Takes

Gemma in Severance was never a real person and has always been an innie

Gemma is an innie that they released to the real world to like, make Mark fall in love. Like she was, she was never a real person... She's always an innie.

Timothee Chalamet and Kylie Jenner will break up during March Madness because he'll be too focused on basketball.

Kylie's probably gonna break up with him during the tournament. He's gonna be like, sorry babe, I gotta watch, I gotta watch Ball. You understand?

Knowing ball is a powerful enough skill to change a nation's perception of even the world's worst people.

Timothy Chalamet's proof that you can change an entire nation's perception of you by knowing Ball. If Osama Bin Laden would've declared his love for Miami of Ohio's football program, we would've been like, you know, we can always just rebuild those towers. ... If Kim Jong-un got three picks right on college game day, I'm pretty sure we'd all just be like, that's just our culture.

Binging a TV show is much better than watching it week-by-week

This is my big, i I like binging shows. I like just diving right into 'em. I don't know how people can watch a show like I gave up on House of Dragon. Yeah. Because I watched the first season and then it was four years and I was like, I don't remember fucking shit. I'm out.

Timothy Chalamet will be one of the greatest actors ever

He won a SAG award and then I, I just liked, I liked his speech... He kind of was just like, yeah, I wanna be one of the greats. I'm going hard.

Ryan Reynolds looks "scummy" and is the biggest loser in the Blake Lively movie drama

I think Ryan Reynolds is the biggest loser outta the whole thing... he's kind of looking a little scummy this whole thing. I haven't changed my opinion on him. I didn't have an opinion.

Shredder and the Ninja Turtles appear in every episode together but never actually kill each other

If you've ever watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Shredder is in every episode. The Ninja Turtles are in like every episode. They never actually kill each other. They just fight.

Using difficulty 'sliders' in games is for people who want to hide that they are playing on easy mode; you have to play on 'hard mode' to truly win

We love using sliders. We just like to change 'em before people can see. We just don't want people to know that we're doing sliders... I wanna play hard mode. Absolutely. You gotta play hard teams. You gotta play hard teams to win.

AC/DC should be the next Super Bowl halftime show performer.

I'm gonna agree with our good friend Michael Greer. He has a great idea for the next halftime show. AC DC. AC DC at halftime would fucking rock... just banger after banger.

The NFL replacing 'End Racism' stencils in the end zone means racism has been officially defeated

We ended racism. No more 'End Racism' in the end zone. It only took four years. 2021 we decided let's do something... we fucking painted that shit in end zones and we did it and we put it on the backs of helmets and now racism's dead. Done. Choose love is also gone. We're choosing hate... calling time out to hate now so that you can get better at hating when you get back.

Kendrick Lamar vs Drake is the biggest blowout in subjective art history

That the Kendrick Drake thing turned into — obviously art is entirely in the eye of the beholder... but in this one thing where people can interpret it either any way they see fit, like this is as big of a blowout as you'll ever see. Ever.

I am officially anti-biopic; the industry needs to let stories finish before buying the rights.

I've taken a bit of a stance against Biopics. I'm somewhat antibio pic. I just think enough. We've done 'em all and people are starting to get the rights to stories before they're even done happening. Like the Luigi Mangione thing happens... and then it's like someone gets the rights the next day. Let the story at least end before you buy the rights to it and start casting someone.

Taylor Swift would never allow Travis Kelce to propose to her on the field after a Super Bowl.

I was just thinking he wouldn't actually, after I said it, I realized Taylor would never allow it to happen. But I was thinking of like confetti. No, I just that that thought of all that scene disgusted me, but I don't think, I think they would do it in a little more classy way.

Boxing would become the most popular sport if all sports memories were erased

Boxing would be pretty, you'd be like, holy shit, these guys are just beating the fuck out of each other. Yeah. Boxing would be pretty sick.

I will play the role of Chris Farley with such love that I won't let his fans down

I love Chris so much that I'm incapable of letting Chris, and I mean, I, I can't, I'm not incapable of letting his fans down... I love Chris so much that I'm not worried about keeping his memory alive in a, in an authentic and loving way. I know I'm going to do that... some people are just supposed to play certain people.

Paul Walter Hauser will be one of the biggest actors in the world within the next 10 years

I think you will be like one of the biggest actors in the world in the next 10 years. You should be, you should be.

I want to still be doing WrestleMania and getting put through tables when I'm 60 years old

I hope I'm still showing up at WrestleMania and someone's putting me through a table... my hope is that when I'm 60... someone's putting me through a table. I don't think [the competitive spirit] will happen to you [leave you].

I would win an Oscar if I played Teddy Roosevelt

I, I have three roles I really want to inhabit in the next five years. I wanna, I wanna play Teddy Roosevelt. [Big Cat: Oscar! Hauser: Yes.] And that's another one where I just, I know I can play him. I'm not even worried about it.

Marshawn Lynch and the Legion of Boom era was the Golden Age of Seattle sports

You had a pretty good experience growing up then... Marshawn Lynch guy... Huge. Marshawn Lynch Legion of Boom, all that. Pete Carroll. That was in Golden, boom, Golden Age man.

I find myself actually liking LeBron James after watching the 'Starting Five' show on Netflix.

I have been watching, there's a lot episodes, so I'm, I'm not finished with it. But the NBA starting five show on Netflix. ... I do find myself like liking LeBron... He's funny. ... Like he's just, it's just the, he's funny. He's just a big goof.

The alleged celebrity lists associated with the Diddy investigation will never be made public.

The list never come out. They never come out. They tell you that there's a list and it's a distraction so that you can come up with your old, your own like fan fiction like lore universe that you make up... The lists never do [come out].

Diddy killed Biggie Smalls

Diddy's a bad guy. And my take, I don't, this isn't like an a wildly original one. I think Diddy killed Biggie. Think about it. Think about it... when Biggie died, you remember Diddy was like all over tv. He did that. The video. I'll be missing you. Yeah. Like that he made his entire career about Yeah. Biggie. That is something that a psychopath killer would do.

Social media 'hacking' claims are 100% fake; people just mess up and use it as an excuse

Whenever someone says they're hacked, they're not hacked. They just fucked up. I don't still don't really understand how [Shannon Sharpe did that], 'cause it is a couple steps to go live [on Instagram].

Nikocado Avocado's two-year weight loss reveal was a genius strategy

He's been posting videos for the last two years where he's large... then this week he posted a reveal stating that he prerecorded two years worth of mukbangs and has been putting them out periodically and just losing all the weight... this is actually incredible.

Jay-Z picked Kendrick Lamar for the Super Bowl halftime show just to spite Drake

Jay-Z doesn't like Drake. So he basically did the opposite. He took Kendrick. Also, Kendrick Lamar. Yeah. They're just gonna make it to the Drake can never watch a Super Bowl again.

Kristin Cavallari is lying about having the best sex of her life

Kristin Cavallari said that her boyfriend, Mark Estes, Montana boy, who's 13 years younger than her, she's having the best sex she's ever had. It is, but it's also if you have to publicly say you're having the best sex you ever had, you're lying. The minute you say you have the best sex ever, everyone's like, dude, that's a lie.

I am going to eat over 66 hot dogs and smash the world record against Kobayashi

I'm gonna smash [the record]. I'm gonna eat more hot dogs than ever before... Right now the over-under is like 66, and I'm gonna blow that out.

Alex Rodriguez likely has his fingerprints all over the J-Lo and Ben Affleck divorce

J-Lo and Ben Affleck had broken up... divorce. If I know A-Rod, he's not gonna call first. This says A-Rod's soft fingerprints all over it.

Kirk Cousins has surprisingly good taste in music

This guy [Kirk Cousins] has good taste in music now. Or maybe, maybe we're just washed. It's actually 90% of a pop punk playlist. These are actually, this is our set list.

Boobs are officially back in style and the undisputed 1-1 pick for soft things

I'm going boobs. Correct. Boobs are back now. Sydney Sweeney brought boobs back for a while... And I'm glad that they are. Yes. Very soft.

Noah Lyles has every right to brag about being the fastest man on Earth after winning Olympic gold

She had a take, can you really brag about being the fastest person on earth if you win a race by 0.005 seconds?... I think [Noah Lyles] can if you win the gold medal.

Mick Foley (Mankind) is the toughest person ever

I'm gonna go with Mankind, Mick Foley, toughest dude ever fucking going. When he got slammed on a bed of tacks from Undertaker from the top of the Hell in a Cell... he is literally the toughest.

Simone Biles is such a great athlete that she could probably dunk on a regulation 10-foot rim

Our gymnastics team dominated again. Simone Biles is the GOAT... I think KD even said that she thinks, he thinks that Simone Biles could take an Alley-OOP, like she could dunk on a 10 foot rim.

Paul Walter Hauser should play Andy Reid in a movie about the coach's life

One [project] would be him [Paul Walter Hauser] playing Andy Reid in the Andy Reid story. I think he'd crush that.

I would have made more money than any actor in history if I had accepted the lead in 'Avatar'

I had a chance to be in Avatar... I probably would've made more money than any actor in history had I taken the part... It was 10% of the total earnings from the film... All I know is it made over 3 billion.

The Academy Awards should be voted on 20 years after the movies come out to accurately gauge which ones truly lasted

The real best way to do it is to do the awards like 20 years after the movies come out. ... There's no spin, there's no, it's like I still watch that movie. I still love that movie. That was the best movie of 2004. It would be a more accurate gauge of whether a movie really works.

The rat at the end of 'The Departed' symbolizes the main character's past and the social ladder he was trying to climb

The writer had in the script... the idea of me, of me kind of climbing the social ladder. And now I find myself in this old brownstone, but there's still a rat that you, that rat comes across and it's, it's his past. It's the thing... it's meant to symbolize all that stuff.

Bluey is an actual drug for children

I had no idea what a drug Bluey was for kids. Oh yeah. But I had, there was a friend that came into town, their 5-year-old stay with us and the kid was like jumping all over... I turn on Bluey and it's like hypnotized. Bluey is a drug for kids. For sure.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will get engaged followed by a bad album

My preemptive take of the year is that Taylor Swift and Travis [Kelce] are going to get engaged. And then she's going to put out a terrible album. Because she's happy and she doesn't have any boyfriends to complain about. And then all her fans are going to start to hate her because her music sucks because she's happy with her personal life.

Urban Meyer's brewery is putting out a Mexican lager with the laziest name possible

Urban Meyer's back. I just saw that he has an update to his brewhouse... It's called 'El Lager.' I just love it. It's like the laziest name you could come up with. It's like what Budweiser would put on their can of beers during Hispanic Heritage Month.

Seasons three through eight of The Simpsons are the best television ever made.

I think Seasons three through eight on The Simpsons are the best TV ever made.

Swifties are the number one hobby that becomes an entire personality

Obviously my one one or I guess one two Swifties. I mean, they're the cra they're the number one. Yeah. Right now they're the number one. Yeah. That is their hobby. That becomes their entire personality. Swifties If. you If you see a swifty online. That's all they want to talk about is Swifties.

Disney Adults are the weirdest people in the world

Disney adults. They're the weirdest people in the, the world now... There's a lot of people out there that get married at Disney World. Yeah. Get propose at Disney World. Yeah. They dress up as Disney characters. And I actually think... Disney adults, their hobby becomes their personality traits because the rest of the world no longer accepts 'em.

The world needs straight comedy movies that aren't trying to be serious or deep

I see the movies coming out that are kind of comedies and I watch 'em. I feel like they're mid and lacking in comedy... When you put a comedy on, you drop your guard, right? Yeah. When you put on like The Hangover or some shit... And I'm ready to just immerse in this last year.

The French plan to shit in the Seine to protest the Olympics is an awesome move

I stand with the French on [shitting in the river to protest]. I think it rocks to say we're gonna take a shit on our president. Yes. I think that's a very fun thing to do.

There was a 30% chance Taylor Swift would attend the Beer Olympics

I've heard from multiple reports that Will said there was a 30% chance that Taylor Swift was gonna come to the beer Olympics... You never know. I think there's still a chance she might show up... when Dave was really wasn't on board, he was like, you could get me back. If you get Taylor Swift there. Right. Okay. So we're like, okay, there's a shot.

The Las Vegas Sphere is a mind-blowing experience that exceeds all high expectations

Anyone who is thinking about going to the Sphere, do it. It was mind-blowing. The expectations were high and they blew them out of the water. I did have that thought of like, will I ever be able to go back to real life because it was that cool.

The Joker is more dangerous than Batman because he is willing to do whatever it takes

The issue with Batman is like he's not willing to do whatever it takes. Like he has a chance to throw [Joker] off the cliff at the end of the second one and he doesn't do it. He saves his life. And so like the scary thing about Batman is like is he willing to go the extra mile to do what's necessary for the greater good? And that's the danger part of Joker is like he's willing to go the extra mile to get his point across.

Joey Chestnut's ban from the Nathan's contest is a sign of the late stages of the American empire

Joey Chestnut has been banned from the Nathan's hot dog eating competition on July 4th in America is at its knees. It's the end of it. It feels like the late stages of an empire. This is the sign.

Joey Chestnut is the best eater of all time in the history of the world

Everybody eats. Joey Chestnut is the best person, the best eater of all time in the history of the world. He needs to be rich for that fact.