Takes

The 'You're not that guy, pal' clip will be the clip of the summer

Pretty much, it's a great clip, but I think that's going to be the clip of the summer. Everything you do with your friends, your coworkers, pretty much anything... you're going to see comments about you're not that guy.

Jeffrey Toobin should own his scandal and become 'the jack off guy'

He should have been like, 'Hey guys, listen, I'm a guy. I jerk off.' You know what? You should trust me more because I'm just a regular guy who jerks off and guess what? This is my pledge to you. I will not do it in front of any more cameras. Lean into it. You have to own it at this point. Just become the jack off guy.

Guy Fieri should be America's mascot

[Guy Fieri] is everything that we thought the bald eagle would be. I just think if you're cheering against whatever team Guy Fieri's cheering for, then you're essentially rooting against Flavor. He's Drake's Wario. He's the good version of a bandwagon fan.

The ironic resurgence of Harambe is due for a comeback

I think we actually are getting close to having it [Harambe] be funny again. The resurgence. Because it was very funny for that summer. Then it was like very lame. But now enough time has passed where if you just drop a Harambe, it's like, oh, that's actually kind of funny. The ironic resurgence of Harambe is due.

Ben Affleck was 'tampering' with J-Lo while she was engaged to A-Rod

Ben Affleck was tampering. Ben Affleck, it was reported, was texting J-Lo in February when J-Lo and A-Rod were still engaged. That is illegal. That is tampering.

Elon Musk should announce he bought the Yankees and immediately dissolve the team on SNL

You know, it'd be very funny if [Elon Musk] just straight up announced that he bought the Yankees and then dissolve the Yankees immediately, or the Yankees are no more.

Steve Carell is the greatest improviser in the history of entertainment

Steve Carell, I believe, is the greatest improviser maybe in the history of entertainment. Anytime he improvises, it's always on topic. It's always super smart, in character, to the point... never veers in a weird direction.

Citizen Kane is no longer the best movie of all time according to Rotten Tomatoes

Someone that works at Rotten Tomatoes found an 80-year-old review... talking a negative review about Citizen Kane. So they put it in the Rotten Tomatoes whatever system, and now it's 99 on Rotten Tomatoes, not 100. Paddington 2 is 100. So Citizen Kane, by Rotten Tomatoes metrics, no longer the best movie of all time.

The Disney 'wokeness' critic is a compelling weirdo

I actually think this guy might rule. I think he might rule. I think I might be a fan of his... the fact that he spends this much time thinking about Disney is weird, but also kind of cool because it's just cool to be that excited about anything.

WWE's X-Pac would have anyone's back in a bar fight.

I feel like X-Pac would have anyone's back in a bucket. He just wants some action, yeah. He just wants the fight, yeah.

I will start watching the show 'Dave' by next Wednesday

By the time I speak to you on next Wednesday's show, within the next week, I will have started Dave. That's my resolution... I'm going to be able to fulfill on two out of those three [goals] already and three out of three by next week.

Criticizing the cartoon 'Bluey' for a lack of human diversity is stupid

Kids cartoon Bluey criticized for not having disabled, queer, poor, gender diverse or dogs of color. It's dogs. It's a show about cartoon dogs... none of us were [represented] because we're not dogs. It's a show about dogs. Cartoon fake dogs.

A-Rod is breaking up with J-Lo just for the clout

I feel like A-Rod is breaking up just for the clout these days.

If you don't listen to Coldplay, you're a loser

I'm going to say this right now. People bash Coldplay. I guarantee you. Like, if you don't listen to Coldplay, you're a loser.

Miley Cyrus is the greatest entertainer of all time

I went to the one [concert] where she did the tour, and she had a bunch of... It was almost like a mini circus that she brought out onto the... She's the greatest entertainer of all time. It was awesome.

Michael Strahan sold out by getting the gap in his teeth fixed

My hot seat's Michael Strahan... He got rid of the gap in his teeth... His approval rating will probably, I mean, people are used to seeing the gap, and it's like, you know, embrace your imperfections, dude.

Drake's Scary Hours 2 tracks are currently holding the top three spots on the Billboard charts

Drake released three new songs last week, and they're now one, two, and three on the Billboard [Hot 100].

Cocaine Bear is already a 'must-see' movie

Elizabeth Banks is to direct a bear-centric thriller, Cocaine Bear, for Universal... Just a movie, a must-see. I'm already slapping a must-see on it.

The new Space Jam movie isn't worth seeing because Lola Bunny is no longer 'thick.'

Lola Bunny is no longer thick. It sucks... I don't think I'm going to go see the new Space Jam. If I can't get aroused to a cartoon character in a movie about basketball, then I don't think it's worth my money buying a ticket.

Ted Lasso could coach the Jets to a 10-6 record

You can't convince me that Ted Lasso couldn't take the Jets to 10-6.

Rebranding Mr. Potato Head to 'Potato Head' is neutering the toy

They changed him today. They massacred my boy. Hasbro is... they neutered him. Yeah, they're giving him a spud, a gender-neutral new name. Just Potato Head.

Alex Rodriguez is a piece of shit and a liar

A-Rod, you know what I'm talking about, you piece of shit. ... He's a scumbag. I don't like that. He was cheating on Jennifer Lopez. ... I was there when it happened.

OJ Simpson's son committed the murders, not OJ

I don't think OJ did it. ... I think it was his son. ... I saw a TikTok.

Analysis cannot ruin comedy

I am of the belief that you can't ruin it by analyzing it... W.C. Fields, he's the one that said, he goes, I can't tell you what's funny. I can't tell you why. And my thing is part of my fascination with comedy has always been trying to figure out the why.

The first recorded joke in history was a fart joke

The first recorded joke... was from the 19th century BC, 1900 BC. And it's a Sumerian joke... about a young bride who farts as she sits on her husband's lap.

Jackass is the most universal and primal form of comedy

I honestly think that you could show Jackass to anybody that's ever lived in any society, in any civilization, and they would laugh at it... From the Sumerians to today... it's just primal.

Aaron Rodgers will eventually become the full-time host of Jeopardy!

I actually think that Aaron Rodgers is going to eventually be the full-time host of Jeopardy. I think he's going to be, after he retires, I think he will. I think Aaron Rodgers is going to like doing it too much, and it combines all his favorite things: mustaches, being smarter than everybody, and letting everybody know that you're smarter than them.

Saved By The Bell wouldn't stand up as a new show today

I have to be honest, it didn't pique [my daughter's] interest. I mean, she laughed because she saw me at her kind of like a little bit older than her, but I don't think it's the TV that they would want to watch right now. That show would not stand up today.

The 'Jessie's Song' caffeine pill episode of Saved By The Bell is a top 3 TV episode of all time

I think the episode with Jessie would still stand up. That to me is that the episode where she got hooked on trucker pills. That's one of the top three television episodes... 'I'm so excited, I'm so scared.' I mean goosebumps.

The 'Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?' debate is the worst thing ever

My who's back of the week is people asking, is Die Hard a Christmas movie? I saw it start to happen. Fuck. This is the hot dog is a sandwich debate. If anybody asks you this question, they are a police officer. Do not answer them... Please don't do it. I will lose respect for you.

The best movies must tickle your funny bone, tug on your heartstrings, and blow your mind

In my opinion the best movies do three things: tickle your funny bone, tug on your heartstrings, blow your mind... any time a movie kind of leaves you laughing and crying and kind of makes you think too – I mean, I don't know how you beat that.

Johnny V (Artie Bucco) was the funniest person on the set of The Sopranos

For me it was probably Johnny V who played Artie Bucco. He is he's hilarious... he would just go into an impression of somebody and just stay that guy, you know, like he would be walking around the hotel pretending to be somebody else.

I am one of the best in the world at predicting Dave Portnoy's pizza review scores

I feel like I'm one of the best in the world at predicting what Dave is going to rate a pizza... I'm nasty like it's just it's crazy. Like I picked this so many times... I would put money up if we want to do that one day.

LeBron James calling DK Metcalf 'Baby Bron' is the lamest thing ever

How come we didn't talk about this earlier? DK? LeBron James posting a story on his Instagram referring to DK Metcalf as baby Bron. Lamest thing ever. This guy's really good. He's baby Bron? I would be so pissed off if I was DK Metcalf.

The 'Doggface' Fleetwood Mac cranberry juice video was a corporate plant

I think that he is Probably a plant. I think that this is mostly done... a combo stunt done by Fleetwood Mac and Gary Graham berry juice—big cranberry—and the fact that he has not been canceled that tells me that tattoo on the Subspace. Probably not real. He's probably an actor.

Zendaya's Emmy win was not a 'biggest upset' because fans were happy about it

She won the Emmy for best actress and the New York Post wrote an article and it said biggest upset in Emmys 2020 over Jennifer Aniston and more... Zendaya stands were all very upset because they're like no one's upset about this like this. No one's upset. Like this is a great thing.

Bronny James Jr. is better at smoking weed than I am

I would say I would say something like that. Yeah, smoking the nuggets pack. He's better at smoking weed than I am. Oh, he's what, 16 years old? He's great at smoking.

Always Sunny at its peak goes toe-to-toe with any show ever

I would say it's definitely top three funniest shows of the last 15 years always sunny at his Peak goes toe-to-toe with any show or greed ever.

Workaholics will be 12 times funnier when we are all 50

We have always been very adamant in saying that Workaholics gets 12 times more funnier when we're all 50 and or like even older and still living together, and I'm just bald on the top of my head. It's just storylines for days.

Every generation of SNL fans thinks the current cast sucks compared to the original stars

I also remember think everybody saying we suck, right guys? You're not as good as the First cast and I was like, I know... but I said, I think we're okay. I think you know for our generation of kids growing up watching us, we're going to be their Chevy Chase and Bill Murray.

You only need 20 minutes of great comedy material to become a star in Los Angeles

Jay Leno said many years ago to me, all you need is 20 minutes to become a star in LA. Everybody says how much time you got, everybody says I got two hours. Who wants to listen to two hours of comedy material? If you have 20 minutes and if you have five minutes that kills every time, you can be a star.

If you don't like Nickelback, you are a sheeple

Cool throne Nickelback. If you don't like Nickelback your sheeple.

Jackass 4 will be a hit because the first week of production was explosive

We were one week into production where when she got shut down, but that's actually a good thing because that week was so barking explosive... in that one week we proved ourselves... now Paramount sees it like they're behind it... I'm like there's full confidence for me that it's going to be a hit.

The genius of Jackass is its wholesomeness and lack of mean-spiritedness toward third parties

There's also finally something I believe actually pretty wholesome about the fact that and there's nothing mean-spirited and what we're doing... we're Reckless or we do terrible things to ourselves and to each other, but we're never cruel to third parties or to anybody else. So, you know, It's weird to say Jackass is wholesome but I think it does apply.

I didn't need drugs or alcohol to do stunts because I am just a sober attention whore

I just learned that you take away the drugs and the alcohol from the waste an attention whore and then you get a sober attention whore and that's like really that's all there is to it. I never took painkillers for pain and I never did stunts because I was loaded. I just am an attention whore.

Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with dating famous people

Shailene Woodley. Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with just dating famous people. He just dates... I think maybe... you'd probably want to date a non-famous person to convince them to move to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Mark Zuckerberg definitely has ass implants

Mark Zuckerberg surfing has hit the internet... I noticed right away. The dude's got a fucking donk. He has got cheeks. Big-time cheeks... I think it's an ass implant. Mark Zuckerberg is a nerd though... he can't just do something that's so obvious. What he can do is get a fake fat ass.

The text exchange between 50 Cent and Will Smith about Jada's 'entanglement' was real

I would bet money that it was real... Because it's 50 Cent and he's absolutely reckless. He's reckless.

The entire world might be made of cake

There was a video titled, 'These are all cakes.' It's like a three minute video... it blew my mind. Then everyone convinced themselves that you know, maybe the world is just a giant cake. Like the Matrix.

Naming songs after simple objects like 'trucks' or 'margaritas' is a work of genius

You are kind of a genius when it comes to the naming of your songs... My favorite is 'We Rode In Trucks' like, you know what that song's about. The simplicity of it is kind of genius... One Margarita, drink a beer. That one's about beer.