Takes

FIFA is not a corrupt organization

Anyone that was pointing a finger at Sep Blatter and saying that FIFA is corrupt... Guess what? You're wrong. He's been officially cleared. Fifa. It turns out plot twist, not corrupt. Everything's above board in FIFA.

You do not want to mess with the United States Women's National Soccer Team

You do not want to fuck with the United States Women's National Soccer team. They're going for three straight women's world cups right now. And you don't wanna screw with them. They're dominant.

The World Cup final will end in a 4-4 draw and France will win on penalty kicks

Four four penalty kicks... I think we'll go one each and extra time... And then France wins one gold to nothing in penalty case.

Lionel Messi will choke in the 2022 World Cup

My sit is Lionel Messi. This is the time of the year... he's due for a choke in the fucking World Cup. He's not my goat. He's gonna put up a big fat goose egg in there going down.

Lionel Messi is the Chris Paul of soccer if he doesn't win the World Cup

My hot seat is Lionel Messi in Argentina because Argentina just lost 2-1 against the kingdom of Saudi Arabia... maybe the biggest defeat in the World Cup, some are asking is Messi a bust? Some are asking is Messi the Chris Paul of soccer? I think it's a fair comparison at this point.

Brazil is the favorite to win the World Cup

This is Brazil's World Cup to lose boys. Yeah, it's Brazil's to lose. Yep... I just think they're more balanced than they ever have... they have more talent than anyone. There's more professional players in the world than from Brazil. They, they, they just manufacture players. It's their pastime.

The 2022 World Cup will not be finished in Qatar

I don't think the World Cup's gonna finish. I think it's gonna get canceled for some reason... I don't think it's gonna be finished in Qatar... it sounds like the literal Fire Fest. I'm getting Fire Fest vibes.

Italy will win the World Cup this year

I like Italy this year... America's my second team behind. Behind Italy. I'm gonna root for Italy. I think Italy. I think this is Italy's year... Italy's just too good.

Harry Kane is not a threat to score if he is outside the six-yard line

Harry Kane? If he has the ball outside the six-yard line, he's not going to score, not a threat... outside of the six, not a danger.

It would be 'fucking hilarious' if the US Men's National Soccer Team loses by 6 goals and misses the World Cup

If the U.S. team loses by six goals tonight then they don't automatically qualify... I as a giant U.S. men's national team soccer fan, I can admit that if they lose by six goals tonight and don't qualify, that is fucking hilarious. I hope either they win or they lose by six or more goals tonight.

Federico Chiesa is the next GOAT of soccer

That dude Chiesa, my guy Chiesa, he's the next GOAT. Like, we might be seeing a torch event happen in the next year, two years, where Messi passes that torch.

England will dominate Denmark and win Euro 2020

I think England's going to win. I think they're going to dominate Denmark. And I think that Italy versus England on [Sunday]... that's up in the air.

Harry Kane will miss a penalty kick for England in the Euro semi-finals

I like England. The problem with England is right now they, they looked convincing and they're winning against Germany... that is prime like Harry Kane's gonna miss a penalty kick in the semi-finals he's going to sky it. Like Baggio hit the moon with it.

The USA is officially the best soccer country in the world because Christian Pulisic won the Champions League

The best player in the world played on the best team in the world... the best player on the best club team is American. Therefore, the USA is the best soccer country in the entire world.

The Premier League should rebrand as the English Super League to prevent future breakaways

If the Premier League is smart, they'll just rebrand as the English Super League. And then nobody can ever cuck them out of that again.

European billionaires will try to create a Super League again in two years

When this was all put to bed so quickly, they're going to try this again in two years. They're going to learn from what happened this time, and they're going to do it in the dead of night.

The European Super League will happen because money makes the world go round

I think this could happen, blood, because when you check the levels, Arsenal are owned by an American, Stan Kroenke... Liverpool, John Henry, American... the Glazers... JP Morgan saying he's going to put $6 billion into this team... And money makes the world go round, bro. You understand? Money. If you have money, you have the power.

Mikel Arteta should be fired as Arsenal manager

I am Arteta out... He needs to fuck off. If [Kroenke] doesn't spend enough money, then he needs to fuck off... This is the lowest we've ever been [as a club].

The MLS is a Ponzi scheme

I don't understand how they can keep adding teams. It is a Ponzi scheme. Because you just pay the existing owners and the talent isn't there to keep up.

Christian Pulisic is wasting his talent overseas and should play in the MLS to grow the game

I'm squatting on a take right now and that is getting mad at Christian Pulisic for not playing in the MLS. If he truly cared about American soccer, he would be over here... more people are becoming Chelsea fans than they are Charlotte FC.

Freddy Adu was going to save American soccer

I'm going to have to go with the goat Freddy Adu and we still don't know. He still could be great true... he was the first one I went to his very first game. DC United. I was there he got in after like I don't know 70 minutes. I was like if he's really good. He's probably be starting. That was my first clue. Yeah, but maybe he wouldn't be great.

Christian Pulisic stunk in his Chelsea debut and might not be ready for the bright lights

I watched the whole game. He stunk. Is he not ready for the bright lights?... I'm just going to say, as someone who was ready to declare this the biggest moment in USA soccer history, yeesh, maybe we have to start getting the narrative that he's not from America.

I honestly thought I could be a Premier League goalie with one year of training

I swore I could be a Premier League goalie. And she's [my girlfriend, Kealia Ohai] a soccer player. So I was like, give me one year to train. I think I can do it. So she goes, okay, come to the field... She smoked a ball past my face so fucking fast. And I was like, no chance. You can give me five years to train. No chance.

Croatia will win the 2018 World Cup because of the 'presence of smoke'

Taking Croatia because their presence of smoke.

Neymar's flopping is actually a profile in courage and bravery

I think it's so harsh on Neymar. I mean, I see him as a profiling courage and bravery. I just see the pain, the agony, I mean, just the savage damage that is done to his body... he loses limbs in the game... Neymar gets up when he's broken, had his leg broken, and he says, don't worry, lads, I'm going to brush this off.

The World Cup moment might be too big for this young French team

France is actually... They're talking about possible dynasty. Well, so France... They haven't won anything. It might be too soon for these kids. The moment might be too big for them. They don't have the experience.

Germany will score a million goals against South Korea and advance in the World Cup

[Speaker 3] (4:45-4:47) And Germany, of course, is going to advance. [Speaker 3] (4:47-4:50) They're going to score a billion goals against whichever team they're playing. [Speaker 3] (4:50-4:52) I don't even know who they're playing. [Speaker 3] (4:52-4:52) South Korea? [Speaker 3] (4:57-4:58) They'll score a million goals. [Speaker 3] (4:58-4:59) Germany will advance.

Harry Kane is a bust because he only scores from point-blank range

Harry Kane, still a bust in my mind [because] he just only scores from like two feet out. He basically didn't even have to [try for the hat trick]. He just showed up, and I could have gotten that hat trick.

Lionel Messi is dead

Messi's dead. Messi is dead. Dunzo. Listen, it's a team sport. Go back to Argentina, Messi. Okay? It's a team sport. Argentina stinks. Messi's great. Yeah.

Argentina might be better at the World Cup without Lionel Messi

I think that Argentina might be better without Messi now. The whole team, they're in the win-win-for-Messi mode. And it weighs on their shoulders. Too much pressure.

Mo Salah is not elite yet because he needs to perform at a high level for more than one year

[Mo Salah] is a remarkable human being... But you look at your American sports. You look at gentlemen who have an explosive year... Brady Anderson... you've got to bring it for more than one year to pass the Brady Andersonometer.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the Mike Tolbert of soccer because he just poaches goals from one yard out

He just runs it in from one yard out. The team gets all the way down, and they're like, all right, go ahead. Give it to the fat guy. He'll run it in. That's Ronaldo.

France and Belgium are fantasy football teams with too much talent and questionable coaching

[Belgium and France] are remarkable talent-wise. You look at that roster, it's like a murderer's row. ... what neither of them have is a true idea of how they want to play football. It's a Premier League kind of Pro Bowl team.

Spain will win the 2018 World Cup

America will love the circus. So who's going to win? Spain will win. Spain's going to win.

The US will win the 2018 World Cup

I'm going with the U.S... They could still come back. You never count the U.S. out until they're totally out.

Uruguay will win the 2018 World Cup

I'll take Uruguay. Luis Suarez. I actually put a little money on that, so we'll see how that goes.

Freddie Adu is back and American soccer is saved

Freddie Adu is back, and therefore U.S. soccer is back... News soon. Oh. Yeah. So he's back. He's the future. He is the future of American soccer.

The Sounders and Timbers only play each other in MLS

I feel like the Sounders and Timbers only play each other. I'm convinced that MLS was like, hey, you guys in the Pacific Northwest, you tend to enjoy your scarves and your soccer. Just play each other all the time. We'll pretend like it's an MLS game, but it's not real.

Christian Pulisic will make soccer the biggest sport in America

This guy, he is going to make soccer the biggest sport in America. This is the guy. It actually already happened with Freddy Adu, and then John Harkes, and then DeMarcus Beasley, but it's happening again before our eyes.

Morton Andersen is the best soccer player of all time

Morton Andersen, best soccer player of all time. [Because Ronaldo's goals are only worth one point].

Cristiano Ronaldo's goals are easy and anyone could do them

I could fucking do that. Left footed. He's a finisher. Who isn't? We all finish.

Jurgen Klinsmann will still be the U.S. coach in 2018

I do believe [Jurgen Klinsmann] will be the coach in 2018. I think there's been a lot of ups and downs during his tenure, but I think recently the team has looked better.

USA Rugby Sevens will go 3-0 in their Olympic group

I think we're optimistic and we're going for three and oh... Fiji, we're number one team in the world this year. Um, so they'd have to be favorites, but we've shown we can beat them.

Lionel Messi is bleaching his hair to hide from tax fraud investigators

So, well, he did have brown hair, and now he just bleached it totally blonde. This adds to my theory that maybe he's a relative of Nazi... that's how you get away from tax fraud or whatever he was doing with his dad.

People in Portugal speak 'Brazilian' which is why they are good at soccer

People forget that they speak Brazilian in Portugal... The two best soccer teams in the world, Brazil and Portugal, both speak Brazilian. So it makes you wonder, like, maybe more countries should start speaking Brazilian if they want to master the beautiful game.

Lionel Messi lacks the clutch gene and is likely a relative of Nazi Josef Mengele

I think that Messi might be a relative of a Nazi because a lot of them went to Argentina after the war to try to escape. Now, there was a doctor [Josef Mengele]... He was unable to uncover the clutch gene and isolate it. And that's why, you know, like Hitler, if he had had the clutch gene, he probably wouldn't have choked... Mingel moved to South America, had sex with an Argentinian. A few years later you get [Messi].

Lionel Messi should go to Cleveland and win a championship to repair his legacy

When the whole world thinks you're a quitter and is down on you, you go to Cleveland and you win a championship.

Under Armour signed Lionel Messi because they specialize in signing the biggest chokers in sports

Congratulations to Under Armour for apparently signing Lionel Messi to round out their stable of Spieth, Cam Newton, and Steph Curry, the biggest chokers in the world.

The US Men's National Soccer Team could make some noise in the next two World Cups

I'd say that [soccer is] better than ever. I would say not this World Cup and next World Cup. The U.S. could really make some noise.

Soccer will officially catch on in the US during the summer of 2016

I'll tell you what, man. This is the summer it catches on. You watch. Some people have called it the summer of soccer. I think so. If they could get a big tie against like a Brazil or something, that's the launching point for soccer being the biggest sport in America.