Takes

Ben Simmons will hit a three-pointer in his first preseason game tonight

He has his first preseason game tonight, so we'll see if he hits one. Do you guys think he'll hit one in his first game tonight? A three-pointer? ... I think yes.

Mark Titus had a better college basketball career than LeBron James

Last I checked our friend Mark Titus is a better college basketball player than LeBron James. He's played more minutes. He's got more rebounds. He went to a final four. Mark Titus is a better college basketball player than LeBron James.

Jalen Ramsey will definitely play in Thursday night's game against the Titans

He will play in Thursday night's game. I'm going to put a guarantee. If he gets traded? Yeah. Because he'll get traded to the Titans.

Mike Leach will definitely get involved in the political meme wars of 2020

He's just getting into the meme game. He's just getting into it and watch out world. He's going to as soon as he catches up... he definitely will be in the political meme wars of 2020. He's going to throw his hat in that ring. Absolutely.

The Mets' season is officially over after their 7-run ninth-inning collapse

My hot seat is Mets... They blow a 7-run lead in the ninth... it's clearly over.

The addition of Hawaii games streaming on Facebook is the greatest thing for degenerate gamblers

Mountain West announced today that Hawaii football games are going to stream live on Facebook. Thank fucking God. So all you degenerate gamblers... I like that. And so what time are those games? They're usually like midnight? I love that. It's the game that you bet when you've had a terrible Saturday and you're like, let me just try to get one win before Sunday.

Feral hogs are a legitimate national problem that needs to be addressed

Someone brought up a very actually the the like the most fair point that's ever been brought up he was like what about the 30 to 50 feral hogs that run in my backyard and terrorize my children... apparently they're a real problem they just run and just they will kill you they're mad they're insane so we need to do something about the feral hogs.

Having Ryan Fitzpatrick as your quarterback is a bad strategy if you are trying to tank

If you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback... Ryan Fitzpatrick is always good for a few wins out of nowhere. So if you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback. But Brian Flores is going for it.

Brooks Koepka ghosting Tiger Woods shows he cares more about winning the Blake of the Year award than anything else

Tiger texted him [Brooks Koepka] asking to play a round of golf before the British Open. He just ghosted him. So he cares more about the Blake of the Year than he does about Tiger Woods.

The final season of Game of Thrones was actually awesome because it received 32 Emmy nominations

Game of Thrones because they led all TV shows with 32 Emmy nominations. That's actually the most all time. So the final season turns out it was awesome. So critically acclaimed. All you idiots that say that it sucked, you're wrong because Emmys matter more than your stupid opinion.

I love Cameron Payne playing in the NBA Summer League after four years in the NBA

My hot seat is the summer league... except Cameron Payne, who is in the summer league, and he's just finished his fourth year in the NBA. He is competing in the summer league. I fucking love this... I hope he plays past when he retires from the NBA and he keeps showing up for the summer league.

NBC will bring back 'Waiting All Day for Sunday Night' because of a lawsuit

They're being sued for using that song ['Oh, Sunday Night'] because it's too much of a ripoff of another song. I'm thinking they're going to bring back Waiting All Day for Sunday Night. I think they have to go back to the hits, right?

Cam Newton needs to offer $50,000 for a first-class seat upgrade, not $1,500

Cam Newton offering $1,500 cash to someone sitting in first class on a flight to France. No one ever would do that deal. You have to offer twenty thousand dollars, thirty thousand dollars. Cam Newton is going to make $140 million currently. He has to offer $50,000.

The Domino's Pizza Tracker is fake

My hot seat is the Domino's tracker... Some big J journalist, independent journalist, went in, did some research, and was like stalking, would put in an order, and would follow the restaurant, follow the driver, and make sure that the tracker was up to date. And it's not. No. He foiled it. He foiled Domino's.

USA Rugby Sevens will be in striking distance of first place going into the Paris tournament

The point is that this is the penultimate. So it's the second to last tournament. If we're in striking range going into Paris. We already are. We're in first. Which is the last leg. I might pull a Hong Kong and just fly over to Paris. ... I'm going to say it right now. We'll be in fucking striking distance because I have faith in our boys.

Magic Johnson is a master of the media and spinning narratives

Can we just for a second note that Magic Johnson is a master of the media? Like, I know he's been getting dragged for a lot of things... but the guy can spin any spin zone. He went on First Take. He basically gets Stephen A. Smith on his side all like two hours before Rob Pelinka has to announce Frank Vogel as the new head coach and basically bringing up the fact that Frank Vogel was their sixth option. So Magic Johnson, hats off to you.

The Boston accent is the second sexiest accent in America

Boston accents... they just did a study, and the Boston accent was named the number two sexiest accent in America. [Number one was] Texas.

The 2019 Browns have high talent but are destined for heartbreak

In my opinion, they definitely have the most talent inside their entire division, if not one of the top two or three in the AFC. And I hope that they do really well, but I've been watching the NFL for long enough to know that when you're certain of something being good, that's when it's going to be bad.

Larry Fitzgerald is a 100% lock for the first-ballot Hall of Fame

There's never been more of a lock for Hall of Fame than Larry Fitzgerald. He will be 100% first vote.

Daniel Jones will be the second quarterback taken in the 2019 NFL Draft

Daniel Jones from Duke, 6'5", 220, 6'5". John Elway just took off his pants, is rocketing up the mock drafts... But he might be the second guy taken.

Magic Johnson resigned as Lakers president so he could spend more time tampering.

We all thought when he did it, we're like, oh, he is upset because he can't tamper as president. And so he wants to retire to spend more time with his tampering. He was like, I want to be a free bird. Right now I'm a caged bird and I'm not allowed to hit up Russell Westbrook and say, hey, congrats on the 2020.

LeBron is struggling to find co-stars for Space Jam 2 because players don't want to deal with him

He's having a very hard time recruiting co-stars to join the movie... Giannis denied him said he doesn't he doesn't like being Hollywood... they're worried about if they go to the movie then they're gonna have to potentially play with him on his team.

Gar Foreman and John Paxson are the idiots in the room now that Ernie Grunfeld is fired

Gar Foreman and John Paxson because now they are the idiots in the room. So it's like you never want to be the last to leave a party. They are the dum-dums. And you could always say, well, it's not Ernie Grunfeld. Well, guess what? Now Ernie Grunfeld's gone, so you are on the hot seat.

Big Baller Brand is officially coming to an end

Big Baller Brand is in hot water. It might be the end of Big Baller Brand... Lonzo Ball's manager apparently stole like a million and a half dollars from him. So he got fired... yeah, they're just, it's probably, probably the end of Big Baller Brand.

Sean Miller will never get in trouble for the Arizona basketball recruiting scandals

Sean Miller's never going to get in trouble for that [the DeAndre Ayton payment rumors]. Yeah. Next he's going to have an exposé about Reggie Bush's mom's house.

Rob Gronkowski will eventually come back and play football

And [Gronk] is going to come back. No, I was [listening], but Belichick doesn't talk in hypotheticals... I can be a Belichick guy, but also be my own person [and say he's coming back].

I guarantee the Virginia Cavaliers will make the Elite Eight

I have decided that I'm going to take the Virginia Cavaliers for real. I'm guaranteeing an Elite Eight appearance. Because they'll get a one seed... they'll get a one seed, and I think Duke will get a one seed, and the only team that can beat him is Duke.

I would bet the house on Virginia in their first-round game against a 16-seed

Actually, we should hammer [Virginia] against the 16th seed. They will take it so seriously, and that's a game that they will have to win by like 40. They can't ever be losing in that game.

You should fade Wisconsin in the NCAA Tournament this year

Also, PSA to just fade Wisconsin in the NCAA tournament.

The Lakers will miss the NBA playoffs this season

The Los Angeles Lakers, if the playoffs started today, would not be in it. They'll be three games out after tonight's loss to the Hawks... LeBron [James] out of my arm. I don't want to miss the playoffs. Rondo hit the game winner, and it was like, well, problem solved. The Lakers are okay. And then they're out of the playoffs right now.

LeBron James clearly tampered with Anthony Davis

Anthony Davis and LeBron James had dinner together. Wouldn't that seem kind of perfect that they waited about a month after their dinner for Anthony Davis to demand a trade? ... LeBron James probably doesn't have to pay an agent's fee. He probably owns part of Clutch Sports. And guess what? Anthony Davis is going to go to the Los Angeles Lakers... LeBron James completely tampered here.

You have to be a world-class dumbass not to tamper in the NBA

I would say that you'd have to be a world-class dumbass not to tamper in the NBA. If you're not tampering, you are dumber than a pile of rocks.

I successfully recruited Carmelo Anthony to the Chicago Bulls

It took five years, but I have gotten Carmelo Anthony to the Chicago Bulls. Congratulations. Thank you. We're going to wave him, and he's never going to play for the Bulls. But I did recruit him in the summer of 2014... last laugh, me.

5'9" is now 'Heisman height' because of Kyler Murray

We're rebranding 5'9". Now it's Heisman height. That's what we're calling it. I'm 5'9". Perfectly average height for a scat back.

Vikings GM Rick Spielman's game day routine is absolute insanity

Rick Spielman... eats the same breakfast sandwich: fried egg, bacon, and peanut butter on a wheat round. He shaves the left side of his face, then the right. He puts his shoes and socks on before his pants. Leaves his house at the same time so he can arrive at the stadium at 8... uses the same pump, and makes sure always to end his purchase on a zero. Zeros are just good.

Half the internet will hate whatever name the Seattle hockey team chooses

Whatever they're going to name [the Seattle hockey team], prediction, whatever they're going to name it, half the people on the internet are going to be mad. Half the people are going to like it just like their jerseys.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

Les Miles will be the next head coach of the Kansas Jayhawks

As first reported on Pardon My Take, stolen from message boards online. Les Miles will be the next head coach of the Kansas Jayhawks.

Football season is a legitimate legal excuse to postpone jury duty

[The jury duty official] asked me, he's like, so what's your excuse? I was like, well, it's football season and I got a lot of travel and football season. And he's like, okay... so come back after the Super Bowl. Shout out to that guy for taking 'it's football season' as a legitimate excuse for not wanting to be on jury.

Josh Allen's ligaments were too weak to support his rocket arm

His arm was too strong that his ligaments couldn't support all the muscle... the good news is he doesn't need Tommy John surgery.

Khabib Nurmagomedov's dad will punish him more severely than the UFC

His fucking dad is going to kick the shit out of him. And it's so funny that this guy is 30 years old, one of the best UFC fighters of all time, and he's got to go home to Dagestan and get worse sanctions from his father than he will from Dana White.

Joe Maddon gave an Urban Meyer-esque answer regarding Addison Russell's abuse allegations

That's an Urban Meyer-esque answer, basically saying my internet doesn't work and my brain doesn't work and I forgot that I should probably read about my accusations that my players committed domestic abuse. Whether it's true or not, bad answer, Joe Maddon.

The new Sunday Night Football theme 'Game On' is terrible

The Sunday Night Football song... What does NBC think they're fucking doing? I was waiting all day for Sunday night. No, I was waiting all day for waiting all day for Sunday night. And now it's some crappy Carrie Underwood... Game On is the new theme... I don't have room in my brain to learn a new song.

Christian Yelich will win the MLB MVP

It's Christian Yelich since appearing on Pardon My Take in July. He's first in batting average, tied for first in home runs, first in runs, first in RBIs, and first in slugging percentage. Many people are saying he's going to be the MVP.

Paxton Lynch's days in the NFL are numbered

My hot seat is Paxton Lynch. I think I'm just going to put him on my hot seat until he's out of the NFL ... Paxton Lynch, your days are numbered, bucko.

Paxton Lynch is the worst draft pick of all time

Paxton Lynch is going to totally get off the hook here. People will just forget he existed, but I will not let him off the hook because... Paxton Lynch stinks, and he's going to probably end up making whatever it was, $15 million for being a first-round pick. That guy needs to be like – someone needs to write a book. Paxton Lynch stinks.

Dwight Howard's plan to evolve into Kevin Durant and take jumpers will be a disaster

First one is the entire NBA because Dwight Howard, his trainer, has said that Dwight Howard wants to evolve into Anthony Davis, into Kevin Durant, but his own version of that... So Dwight Howard is going to start taking jumpers, which is going to be hilarious. It's going to be fun watching him try to shoot and take shots from John Wall and Bradley Beal.

The Lakers have 14 players other than LeBron James who know how to play basketball

the narrative that LeBron James doesn't have any good teammates... super cool Michael Beasley said... you got 14 guys other than LeBron James that know how to play basketball. Also fact.

Aaron Donald is one of the top five players in the league and the Rams need to pay him

they have not given their best player and one of the top five players in the league, Aaron Donald, a new contract. So I feel like this is not getting – you've got to take care of that guy, right?

LaVar Ball riding coach class on a plane is a terrible look for a brand built on being a 'Big Baller.'

Someone took a picture of [LaVar Ball] riding coach on a plane. It's kind of a tough look if your brand is built on being a big baller. ... You can't be doing that if you're a big baller.