Takes

Anne Hathaway has a fixation for scouting gritty athletes like OG Anunoby and Danny Woodhead

Anne Hathaway is back. And if you look at the stats. A guy Riggs posted about this OG Anunoby ran into Anne Hathaway Courtside. He was jumping outta bounds to save a ball. Since that moment he's been, he's had 24.3 points per game. Now Anne Hathaway is leaning into it. So she's like posting pictures of OG Anunoby on her Instagram. The one other obscure ish athlete that she's developed a fixation for over her career was Danny Woodhead. She's a massive Danny Woodhead fan.

Bronny James is not an NBA-caliber player

Bronny James... he's not an NBA player. It's not going well... everything he was doing was bad. Really, really bad.

John Gruden is secretly advising the Chiefs and is effectively on their coaching staff

John Gruden was at Chiefs practice today... he was wearing a Chiefs uniform and he was advising Chiefs coaches. Whoa. So I think John Gruden might be secretly on the Chiefs' coaching staff now. He's like Mid-hat right now with the Chiefs.

The NBA is back to being irrelevant

Who's back? NBA being Irrelevant.

Tyson Fury was embarrassingly out of shape for the Ngannou fight

Tyson Fury always looks a little bit outta shape, but he looked so outta shape next to Ngannou. Just like they look like different species... he was the heaviest he's ever been was he? That's what they said. Which bullshit for the announcers to say that.

The East River is full of prehistoric bison bones dumped by a developer

Dirty Water Don... he's found a bone. He found a jawbone of a steppe bison, which is just a prehistoric, gigantic bison. He found the jawbone in the East River. So that means that it is true. There were tons of bones dump there. It means that they're sniffing in the right place.

The James Harden to Houston rumors are true

Harden says quote, 'I don't know where you found that report.' ... He was being so wishy-washy, but it was like, 'I don't know where you found that report.' And then it's like, yep, that's it. [The rumors are true].

The Denver Nuggets will beat the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals

Finals predictions... Nuggets and the Celtics. [Nuggets win]

Texas is 'back' following their performance against Alabama

I'm counting Texas's back because their defense played better than they played... And if Quinn Ewers doesn't get hurt, they win that game. I'm convinced of it.

The Choco Taco discontinuing was a genius marketing move and it's coming back

My other who's back is the Choco Taco. They said they're bringing it back. Stay woke. That was a genius movie. Choco Taco's going Morbin time. They just reminded everyone the Choco Taco rules and then everyone like pull it away.

Deshaun Watson will be suspended indefinitely for at least one year

Sean was suspended for, for a year, for a year, but also indefinitely. They're going to drop that one on, on Friday. Yup. Yup. Right before 4th of July.

The 'Sampson Effect' causes players to perform worse when they join the Yankees and have to shave

If you have to cut your hair or shave to change your personal appearance, I bet it throws you off Sampson effect. I bet you it's almost every player that goes there... Randy Johnson shave his beard when he sucked, when he was in the eighties.

Desmond Ridder has 'fuckable spirals'

Desmond Ridder has nice spiral, Cincinnati guy. He gives me Justin Herbert type vibes... fuckable spirals for fuckable spirals. If you see a spiral, you're like, damn that spiral sexy.

James Harden is the perfect piece to pair with Joel Embiid

I do think the Sixers are very good now. James Harden's perfect piece to pair with [Embiid], but it's going to piss people off, especially that James Harden has now done it twice where he's skinny all of a sudden again, he feels great and he just duped everyone.

The NFC is wide open for the next few years

Tom Brady just retired. Aaron Rodgers may go to the AFC who the fuck knows where he's going to end up. Like the NFC is going to be wide open for a little bit.

Brian Kelly's tenure at LSU will probably blow up due to the bad culture fit

I'm super excited for Brian Kelly in Baton Rouge because it's such a bad culture fit, obviously. So it's going to probably blow up. Now. He can either win really quickly and he should, because if he doesn't, it's going to get bad and it's going to get bad really fast. And it can be very funny to watch like Brian Kelly pretending to be a southerner.

Tiger Woods is back

I was backs tiger woods. And so on. The golf club is deep. People went crazy... He swung a golf club. I've won one crazy.

The Braves vs. Astros World Series will not interest a national audience

I feel bad the sport of the MLB. Cause like, let's be honest, Braves Astros. Doesn't really get the needle moving for a national audience.

Brooks Koepka will dominate The Masters

My who's back is Brooks Koepka. Yeah Brooks Koepka is back. It's a major. He's gonna dominate I'm certain of it... Masters are here. He's locked in and for the first time in a long time, it looks like he has an actual rival.

Bill Belichick has always wanted a mobile quarterback to experiment with new offensive schemes

Belichick's always talking about how he wants a mobile quarterback... belch I was like, I want to get rid of you [Brady] and get a cool new toy that can run around. So like the football like porn that's going to come out of this like the X's and O's and blocking schemes... Bellatrix brain with like a mobile quarterback.

Roger Goodell will use a technicality to prevent Dave Portnoy from documenting the auction-won MNF game

I think they're going to figure out a technicality, right?... if he [Goodell] just had to sit with Goodell with no content being made. That's actually the ultimate own back on Dave. You just have to sit with this miserable person for an entire night and listen to him talk... and you can't make content out of it. That would kill Dave.

Rick Pitino will be coaching at a Power 5 school within three years

I own a fancy. Yeah, damn Rick and so he is ready to get mean he's going to be in a power 5 school in within three years too.

Antarctica is always freezing, regardless of whether it is 'summer' there

I was always taught that Antarctica was just always freezing. No one lives there. It's a continent that no one lives on because it's all ice... I've never probably my life got ratio so hard but people being like you fucking idiot like it's the summer in Antarctica... it's still cold, but it's colder than here.

Gerrit Cole is going to 'shove' in the World Series

Gerrit Cole is about to show you... he's gonna shove. I'm saying it's gonna shove.

The Jimmy Butler experiment with the 76ers will be a success

Jimmy Butler hit another game winner from the same exact spot. Yes, he did. So it turns out maybe that experiment is going to turn out good for this.

I'm withholding all judgment on Josh Rosen for his rookie year

I'm officially saying this whole year, too early to judge. I learned my lesson from Jared Goff. I like that. What about Sam Darnold? Too early to judge.

The 1990s were the last era where professional athletes could be out of shape and still succeed

The 90s were kind of the last era where guys were basically able to just be fat pieces of shit and go to the whole thing... There's some guy who in every single sport we can trace to. Like, who is the guy who's like, I'm actually going to train in the offseason? I'm going to lift weights.

The Colts are favorites to finish second in the AFC South behind the Jaguars

the Colts, just in general, are back this year. I think you've got to pencil them in as favorites to come in second in that division behind the Jaguars.

Zion Williamson is basically LeBron Jr.

They landed Zion Williamson, who's basically LeBron Jr., has the craziest mixtapes of him ever.

The Celtics will win five championships after LeBron James leaves for the Lakers

[Gordon Hayward] is going to beat LeBron, then LeBron's going to leave, go to L.A., and Celtics are going to win, like, five championships.

Wisconsin is only in the playoff hunt to eventually lose to Ohio State by 40

There's just a fat, slow lineman up north that's just like, hey, guys, can I come in? That's Wisconsin just waiting to get in. Waiting to lose to Ohio State by 40 with me in attendance.

The Miami Hurricanes are back big time

My Who's Back of the Week, first of all, is a no-brainer. It's the U. The U's back big time.

The Aaron Judge slump is caused by participating in the Home Run Derby

The Aaron Judge, did he fuck up his swing, is fully back. He's like one for 14 right now. I think we called that before the home run derby even started, right?

High school football is officially back in June because grad parties are over

High school football is back. Grad parties are over. Coaches are distributing helmets and shoulder pads. It's June. Mini camps in full effect.

Donald Trump will legalize sports gambling to improve his approval ratings

I could see Trump legalizing sports gambling. I could, too. He's a casino guy... He could flip that approval rating up to, like, the 60s if he just said, okay, we're going to be sports gaming.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially 'back'

The U is back. Of Miami. Okay. The U is back. They have three huge wins against Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, and Appalachian State. So 3-0 to start the season. I think they're definitely back.

Wisconsin is the mediocre pushover neighbor of college football

Wisconsin's never back. They're never gone. They're just there. We literally are just like the neighbor who you can be like, hey, can I borrow your lawnmower and just not give it back for three months? And you know he's never going to come ask. It's a total pushover.