Takes

The Mets are spineless pussies who couldn't get it done

The Mets are just a bunch of spineless pussies and they just couldn't get it done. Pete Alonso was out the door before the game ended. They're gonna get their teeth kicked in by the Dodgers.

MLB is intentionally stealing home runs by making baseball seams higher

Rob Man-fraud is back. They're trying to steal dingers from you... the seams on the baseballs this year are higher than they have been in the past and it's stealing dingers away from everybody.

Anne Hathaway has a fixation for scouting gritty athletes like OG Anunoby and Danny Woodhead

Anne Hathaway is back. And if you look at the stats. A guy Riggs posted about this OG Anunoby ran into Anne Hathaway Courtside. He was jumping outta bounds to save a ball. Since that moment he's been, he's had 24.3 points per game. Now Anne Hathaway is leaning into it. So she's like posting pictures of OG Anunoby on her Instagram. The one other obscure ish athlete that she's developed a fixation for over her career was Danny Woodhead. She's a massive Danny Woodhead fan.

Ohio State could either win the national championship or come out completely flat in the playoffs.

I think Ohio State could either win it all or they could come out and just be like a completely dead team. Totally flat against Tennessee.

Bronny James is not an NBA-caliber player

Bronny James... he's not an NBA player. It's not going well... everything he was doing was bad. Really, really bad.

John Gruden is secretly advising the Chiefs and is effectively on their coaching staff

John Gruden was at Chiefs practice today... he was wearing a Chiefs uniform and he was advising Chiefs coaches. Whoa. So I think John Gruden might be secretly on the Chiefs' coaching staff now. He's like Mid-hat right now with the Chiefs.

A Jimmy Carter 'not awake' report is effectively a death notice

Jimmy Carter, who it was reported the other day that Jimmy Carter is no longer awake every day... isn't that just dead? The guy just let him die. He's been in hospice for like a year and a half... grandson, don't wake him up next time he is not awake for a day. Don't wake him up the next day. Just let him sleep forever.

Michigan basketball will return to prominence quickly under Dusty May.

Recurring guest Dusty May is going from FAU to Ann Arbor... I think they're gonna be back quickly.

The NBA is back to being irrelevant

Who's back? NBA being Irrelevant.

Tyson Fury was embarrassingly out of shape for the Ngannou fight

Tyson Fury always looks a little bit outta shape, but he looked so outta shape next to Ngannou. Just like they look like different species... he was the heaviest he's ever been was he? That's what they said. Which bullshit for the announcers to say that.

Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins will be incredible during the 2023 season

Kirk Cousins looks great. Yeah, he does. Have you seen the mustache? He looks awesome... I'm in on 'em.

The East River is full of prehistoric bison bones dumped by a developer

Dirty Water Don... he's found a bone. He found a jawbone of a steppe bison, which is just a prehistoric, gigantic bison. He found the jawbone in the East River. So that means that it is true. There were tons of bones dumped there.

Matt Nagy will win 2-3 Super Bowls with Patrick Mahomes

Matt Nagy... he's gonna be the offensive coordinator now and then gonna be the heir apparent to Andy Reid. So it's just everything that I've already expected and my worst nightmare. He's gonna win two to three Super Bowls with Patrick Mahomes. That's gonna happen.

Adding Kevin Durant to the Phoenix Suns would make them a major threat to win the Western Conference

The Phoenix Suns are prepared to pursue Brooklyn Nets star Kevin Durant... that scares me a little bit because I do think that the Suns with Kevin Durant would probably become a significant threat... the West is crazy. The West has every team could win it right now.

The James Harden to Houston rumors are true

Harden says quote, 'I don't know where you found that report.' ... He was being so wishy-washy, but it was like, 'I don't know where you found that report.' And then it's like, yep, that's it. [The rumors are true].

The Denver Nuggets will beat the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals

Finals predictions... Nuggets and the Celtics. [Nuggets win]

The Heat will face the Warriors in the NBA Finals

I'm going to go Heat Warriors.

Texas is 'back' because their defense is finally legitimate

I'm counting Texas as back because their defense played better than they've played in, I don't know, 15 years. I can't even remember the last time that defense was 100% legit. It was awesome.

Humans can outrun horses in long-distance races

Humans can outrun horses in long distances. Just it's a thing. Trust me. ... The humans were able to run farther distance over time and that's why they became the apex predators.

Jameis Winston and Michael Thomas are going to be a perfect quarterback-receiver duo

I actually think Jameis [Winston] is gonna love Michael Thomas. Yeah, because he is a big dude that kind of fits right in between linebackers that he can hit. It's Jameis' specialty.

The Choco Taco discontinuing was a genius marketing move and it's coming back

My other who's back is the Choco Taco. They said they're bringing it back. Stay woke. That was a genius movie. Choco Taco's going Morbin time. They just reminded everyone the Choco Taco rules and then everyone like pull it away.

Deshaun Watson will be suspended indefinitely for at least one year

Sean was suspended for, for a year, for a year, but also indefinitely. They're going to drop that one on, on Friday. Yup. Yup. Right before 4th of July.

The 'Sampson Effect' causes players to perform worse when they join the Yankees and have to shave

If you have to cut your hair or shave to change your personal appearance, I bet it throws you off Sampson effect. I bet you it's almost every player that goes there... Randy Johnson shave his beard when he sucked, when he was in the eighties.

Desmond Ridder has 'fuckable spirals'

Desmond Ridder has nice spiral, Cincinnati guy. He gives me Justin Herbert type vibes... fuckable spirals for fuckable spirals. If you see a spiral, you're like, damn that spiral sexy.

James Harden is the perfect piece to pair with Joel Embiid

I do think the Sixers are very good now. James Harden's perfect piece to pair with [Embiid], but it's going to piss people off, especially that James Harden has now done it twice where he's skinny all of a sudden again, he feels great and he just duped everyone.

The NFC is wide open for the next few years

Tom Brady just retired. Aaron Rodgers may go to the AFC who the fuck knows where he's going to end up. Like the NFC is going to be wide open for a little bit.

Brian Kelly's tenure at LSU will probably blow up due to the bad culture fit

I'm super excited for Brian Kelly in Baton Rouge because it's such a bad culture fit, obviously. So it's going to probably blow up. Now. He can either win really quickly and he should, because if he doesn't, it's going to get bad and it's going to get bad really fast. And it can be very funny to watch like Brian Kelly pretending to be a southerner.

Tiger Woods is back

I was backs tiger woods. And so on. The golf club is deep. People went crazy... He swung a golf club. I've won one crazy.

The Braves vs. Astros World Series will not interest a national audience

I feel bad the sport of the MLB. Cause like, let's be honest, Braves Astros. Doesn't really get the needle moving for a national audience.

The keto diet is 'neuroprotective' and can help ward off diseases like Alzheimer's.

I read this study that when your brain runs on ketones, it's neuroprotective. So it wards off stuff like Alzheimer's.

Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez will continue to 'break up' and get back together just so Alex can keep getting the engagement photo high

I think A-Rod realized that once you get the engagement photo, that's really the height of any relationship in 2021. When you post the Instagram of the ring, the proposal on the beach, it's all downhill after that... I feel like A-Rod's going to maybe take the ring back, and then he'll re-propose again. That works. In a couple months' time.

Brooks Koepka will dominate The Masters

My who's back is Brooks Koepka. Yeah Brooks Koepka is back. It's a major. He's gonna dominate I'm certain of it... Masters are here. He's locked in and for the first time in a long time, it looks like he has an actual rival.

Rutgers is officially back and will be bowl eligible this season

Rutgers is back. Rutgers got a big win. They are bowl eligible. I kind of told everyone... that was going to happen. I'm a believer in this 'shadow man' [Greg Schiano]... Rutgers will hit the season over.

Bill Belichick has always wanted a mobile quarterback to experiment with new offensive schemes

Belichick's always talking about how he wants a mobile quarterback... belch I was like, I want to get rid of you [Brady] and get a cool new toy that can run around. So like the football like porn that's going to come out of this like the X's and O's and blocking schemes... Bellatrix brain with like a mobile quarterback.

Conor McGregor will be out of retirement by October or November to fight Khabib

But I'm sure he's not coming back. No way. In like October. No chance. Or November. Whenever Khabib's next up to fight him.

Roger Goodell will use a technicality to prevent Dave Portnoy from documenting the auction-won MNF game

I think they're going to figure out a technicality, right?... if he [Goodell] just had to sit with Goodell with no content being made. That's actually the ultimate own back on Dave. You just have to sit with this miserable person for an entire night and listen to him talk... and you can't make content out of it. That would kill Dave.

I am ready for an Andy Dalton and Mitchell Trubisky QB competition

I am very ready for this. I would love for Andy Dalton to get in that room have little QB competition. No, but no wrong answers when your QB competition is Andy Dalton and Mr. Biscuit.

Antarctica is always freezing, and it is weird to suggest they have a 'summer' where it isn't cold

I was always taught that Antarctica was just always freezing. No one lives there. It's a continent that no one lives on because it's all ice... I assume that it was always cold... there's no houses there, people don't go vacationing there.

Gerrit Cole is going to 'shove' in the World Series

Gerrit Cole is about to show you... he's gonna shove. I'm saying it's gonna shove.

Betting the 'over' in baseball is a lock when the weather is extremely hot

I bet every over in baseball this weekend thinking that the heat would help it... the ball just goes out farther when it's hot... the air is thinner.

Joe Flacco has statistically been the worst starting quarterback in the NFL over the last five years

Does John Elway realize that Joe Flacco statistically in the last five years is the worst starting quarterback you could have?

Championship trophies are back in Boston because Jayson Tatum won the Skills Challenge

Championship trophies are back in Boston because Jayson Tatum won the skills competition... it's just good to bring the winning culture back to Boston.

The Jimmy Butler experiment with the 76ers will be a success

Jimmy Butler hit another game winner from the same exact spot. Yes, he did. So it turns out maybe that experiment is going to turn out good for this.

I'm withholding all judgment on Josh Rosen for his rookie year

I'm officially saying this whole year, too early to judge. I learned my lesson from Jared Goff. I like that. What about Sam Darnold? Too early to judge.

The 1990s were the last era where professional athletes could be out of shape and still succeed

The 90s were kind of the last era where guys were basically able to just be fat pieces of shit and go to the whole thing... There's some guy who in every single sport we can trace to. Like, who is the guy who's like, I'm actually going to train in the offseason? I'm going to lift weights.

Tiger Woods basically finished second in the U.S. Open if you don't count the first and second holes

If you had taken out the first and second hole, Tiger [Woods] would have finished second in the U.S. Open. So he's kind of back.

The Colts are favorites to finish second in the AFC South behind the Jaguars

the Colts, just in general, are back this year. I think you've got to pencil them in as favorites to come in second in that division behind the Jaguars.

Zion Williamson is basically LeBron Jr.

They landed Zion Williamson, who's basically LeBron Jr., has the craziest mixtapes of him ever.

The Celtics will win five championships after LeBron James leaves for the Lakers

[Gordon Hayward] is going to beat LeBron, then LeBron's going to leave, go to L.A., and Celtics are going to win, like, five championships.

Wisconsin is only in the playoff hunt to eventually lose to Ohio State by 40

There's just a fat, slow lineman up north that's just like, hey, guys, can I come in? That's Wisconsin just waiting to get in. Waiting to lose to Ohio State by 40 with me in attendance.