Takes

Every hobby a man has is designed primarily to attract women

It's from Ed Latimore, former professional boxer... All of your hobbies and ambitions are to attract women. Nature doesn't care how much personal fulfillment you get from them. Those things are cool, but they're coincidental positive externality to the Prime objective to keep the species going. Every hobby that you have is designed to attract women.

Gambling is the least attractive hobby a man can have

I mean, my only hobby is gambling... I think gambling has to be the least attractive thing to a woman if you're good at it. Not if you're good... gambling, golfing, flight simulators, helicopter parenting turtles, combos, Call of Duty, going for walks. Max clogging toilets.

Mike Tyson would easily beat LeBron James in a boxing match

If it's in his prime, that's the dumbest argument of all time. Mike Tyson would fucking crush LeBron James. I don't care how tall LeBron is. Hand speed, everything. LeBron can't get hit. He would flop out of the ring.

March Madness makes you want to play basketball more than any other event

I would say my number one would be March Madness always makes me want to go play hoops. Something about March Madness makes basketball more romantic, so you just want to go play it and relive Valpo and all this shit.

Michael Jordan is the absolute definition of a 'winner', despite his flaws as an owner

Michael Jordan is not a loser... he is the definition of the word winner? Yes. Yeah, I would say so in like sees synonymous with winner more probably any athlete.

Women are naturally designed to be football kickers

I think that women actually might have a natural advantage in their bodies when it comes to kicking because they don't have those clumsy testicles that you squish them. Sure when you kick true... They're probably designed to be kickers. I'm all for it. Let her kick Let her kick why not her.

You must have an NBA championship ring to receive a retirement farewell tour

I think the farewell tour, you need to have a ring. I think you need to have a ring to get a farewell tour. I think that's the threshold.

Chris Davis's hitless streak is actually fun to watch

Do you feel bad for Chris Davis, who is now 0 for 53? [PFT]: No, because it's so much fun to watch. And if the Orioles were going to be a threat to do anything this year, then maybe I would be. But he's helping them.

Tennis balls are definitely green

I already know the answer to it. No, they're green... Yeah, they're probably green. They're definitely green.

Tennis balls are yellow

You think they're yellow. Interesting... I don't go with the sheep.

Being hungry is much better than being thirsty

I would rather be hungry than thirsty because I feel like if you are properly hydrated, like you're okay. You can survive for a very long time... I love being hungry because it means I haven't eaten, so I'm feeling kind of skinny.

Mars is officially canceled

I'm over Mars. You know what? Mars is canceled. I'm canceling Mars. I'm so sick of Mars. There's not water there. I'm done with Mars. Don't talk to me about Mars.

Adam Ottavino could strike out Babe Ruth every single time

Adam Ottavino says that he can strike out Babe Ruth every single time. Well, he definitely can right now, Babe Ruth's dead body... [But seriously] Adam Ottavino, I agree. Well, I definitely think so.

Nick Bosa is a quitter for withdrawing from Ohio State before the draft

I'm just saying it's a black stain on the OSU program... I kind of think he's a quitter... if you can't play for an egomaniacal lying psychopath [Urban Meyer], why could you ever play for Dan Snyder?

France is not a golf country

Ryder Cup. What a waste of a tournament. France is not a golf country. I agree. France is not a golf country.

It is way too soon for Baker Mayfield to be doing underwear commercials

I think this is way too soon for Baker Mayfield. ... I actually think he's going to be a good quarterback, but it's still the Browns. You still have to win a couple games. Otherwise, this all is going to look ridiculous.

The Central Time Zone is the undisputed best time zone for sports fans

The Central Time Zone is by far the best. The problem with everyone who's like West Coast is the best because 10 a.m. football... 10 a.m. is too early. Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game... and Monday night football ends at like 11 o'clock. My ranking of time zones goes Central time, mountain time, west coast, east coast.

Michael Jordan is definitively better than LeBron James

I'm exhausted by the debate too, but guess what? I'll still stand here and say MJ's better. I don't care.

Gregg Popovich is an enormous dickhead

I think Greg Popovich is a... Enormous dickhead... He's gotten so much positive reinforcement for being an asshole that now he's just like, it's good if I'm an asshole.

Phillies manager Gabe Kapler is incompetent and trying to get fired

I don't think we've ever seen someone become a baseball manager that doesn't know what the fuck he's doing whatsoever... Everyone's got to follow Gabe Kapler because I think this is the first time ever where someone got a job they didn't want and they're trying to get fired.

Jim Nantz has never been on the internet

Jim Nantz has never been online in any capacity that we're talking about. I don't think he's ever been... unless someone's showing him Instagram on their phone, he's not by himself scrolling on social media.

Jon Gruden is a fun coach and person if you have the right mindset.

If you have a problem with John Gruden, that's about your mindset. You have a post-1999 mindset, and you need a flashback. [To me] he is a fun guy.

A drinking straw only has one hole

I think it's one hole... Straw is the sphere... the hole starts and it just goes on forever. If you go in a tunnel, are you saying there's no hole in a tunnel? No, the entire tunnel is a hole. That's one hole.

Tony Romo is a good announcer but he talks way too much

Let the fucking moments breathe. All he does is talk. He talks the entire broadcast... I hate how much some people think he's the perfect analyst... If he just let it breathe a little bit, he would be everything everyone says that he already is.

Shaq was the 'Robin' and Kobe was the 'Batman' during their championship runs together

Shaq needed Kobe more than Kobe needed Shaq... Shaq needed the wing scorers to be Shaq. He needed Dwyane Wade to be unbelievable Dwyane Wade. Shaq was Superman, and Kobe was Batman. [But] Batman isn't a superhero... he's just a rich guy with a bunch of gadgets.

Russell Wilson is better than Matthew Stafford because Stafford was drafted higher

I actually came up with a couple reasons why I might agree with [Andy Benoit]. Number one, Stafford was drafted first overall. So Russell Wilson was in the third round. This is called the Kevin White law. If you're saying that Russell Wilson is better, then that's a slap in the face to all the people that do mock drafts... Number two, he gets paid more. Matt Stafford gets paid more. So are you saying that capitalism is a flawed system?

Umpires are more likely to be lenient with Trevor Bauer because he supports Donald Trump

I think he would be more likely to be a successful pitcher as a Trump supporter because I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most umpires are probably Trump supporters. Blue Lives Matter. That's what they call umpires... I feel like Country Joe [West] might be pulling the lever for Trump... umpires would be more likely to be lenient with a Trump-supporting pitcher.

Eli Manning has proven that luck exists in life

Eli Manning is so funny. His streak of consecutive games... it's just because he just goes down. He literally goes down every time that someone's even close to him, and that's why he gets to play every game... Eli has proven that luck exists in life. Some people are very, very lucky, and some people aren't. And he's a Manning.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the best wide receiver in the NFL

I'm saying he's the best wide receiver in football. Odell Beckham, is it really the hair that makes him memorable or is it the fact that he's the best wide receiver in football?

LaVar Ball is the greatest character Vince McMahon ever created

LaVar Ball he is the greatest character that Vince McMahon ever created. It's like everything. I mean, he basically went on Colin Cowherd's show and nagged all women. He was like, I'm not selling you. You're not big ballers. And then all the women were like, wait, we want to be big ballers too. All right, fine. I'll sell you some shirts.

MJ is the greatest of all time

As much as I obviously don't want to get in the debate because I obviously everyone knows where I stand. MJ, greatest of all time.

Kobe Bryant is the greatest of all time

But I think to avoid this debate, the stance of this podcast is just going to be Kobe. We're just Kobe guys. Kobe is the greatest of all time. Just so we never have to debate this again.

Lane Kiffin is thinking too hard

Lane's thinking too hard. Let's just say that. He's thinking a little too hard.

Eating dinner with a woman who isn't your wife is a form of cheating

I think that eating is a form of cheating. I think eating is actually worse than sex. Because if you think back to cavemen, cavemen, they wouldn't share a meal, right? But they go around fucking everything. That's guy stuff. Guys like to fuck... But eating, it's like, no, this is my sacred energy source. I'm not going to share it with you.

Ezekiel Elliott is eating cereal, not soup, in his 'feed me' celebration

I saw somebody say, look at Ezekiel Elliott eating that cereal... he does his little soup celebration every time he gets some yards. I thought it's soup. Nope. It's cereal.

Ezekiel Elliott's 'feed me' celebration is problematic because of world hunger

This celebration is kind of problematic. A lot of people out there don't have food. They're hungry. They don't have soup. They don't have cereal. Ezekiel Elliott's just out there wasting it. He's basically saying, look how rich I am. I can eat.