Takes

The moon controls both the oceans and human periods

The moon controls all the earth's oceans and periods so it's just kind of it just controls all the liquids in everyone's bodies that's why sometimes when guys look at the moon they start coming. It's just gravity pulling it out of her balls.

The sun is scientifically cold because space is cold

Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.

Space is cold, therefore the sun is actually cold

Why is space cold if the sun is hot? We think the sun is cold. Outer space is black, but it's cold. So shouldn't outer space be really, really hot? [The sun] is not [hot]. Have you ever looked the sun directly in the eyes? Never have. Right. So does it even exist?

Michael Jordan would amputate his own leg just to win a game against LaVar Ball

Michael Jordan is also so competitive that if LaVar responds to him, he might get his leg amputated just to play one game of basketball and beat him.

I would bet on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James

I would put money on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James.

Mitchell Trubisky will win at least five Super Bowls

Kian, tell me, as a Bears fan, that Mitch Trubisky is going to be a franchise quarterback and probably win no less than five Super Bowls.

Mike Vick's dog training experience will help him as an NFL coaching intern

There are actually probably some lessons from [Mike Vick's] dog training days that he could directly apply to training athletes. He's going to keep his young quarterbacks on a short leash until they're trustworthy.

Watching football is more dangerous than playing football because of binge drinking

I would even submit that watching football is more dangerous than playing football because when you're watching football, you're binge drinking. You're around buddies. You're more likely to get into a fight. You're more likely to puke, pee on yourself. You get all sorts of diseases from that.

The sun is actually cold and is a big fraud

2017 is the year that we found out that the sun was a big fucking phony. The sun is not hot, and if you want any more proof, space is cold. How come it gets cold at the top of Mount Everest? ... Because there's hot magma underneath the earth as far away from the sun as possible.

Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods in golf right now

The real question is it sounds like Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods now.

Pregnancy is controlled by a woman's mind and Plan B is usually a placebo

Plan B, to my understanding, is actually more often than not a placebo... it tricks the woman's body into thinking that actually she's not pregnant because pregnancy is controlled ultimately by your mind. Only mentally weak women will get pregnant.

Salmonella is like the chicken pox; once you get it once, you can never get it again

If you get salmonella, then you don't have to worry about getting it again so you can eat cookie dough and stuff. No, because if you get salmonella, then you don't have to worry about getting it again.

The Sun is not actually hot because space is cold

There's a big conspiracy theory out there that the sun is not actually hot. ... If the sun is hot, why is space cold? ... The sun is probably the biggest fraud of all time if it's cold. ... If you're on the surface of the sun, you'd be fine. You could have a picnic on the surface of the sun.

Wearing a dry-fit jockstrap while golfing will change your life

I'm going to give you three things that will change your life. Number one, jockstrap while golfing. ... Number two, Gold Bond powder. ... Number three, baby wipes. If you do those three things, I guarantee your life will be better. Calvin Klein makes these dry-fit jock straps that are like silk. It's like sleeping naked in silk sheets.

Serena Williams isn't the best athlete ever if she won't play Wimbledon while 9 months pregnant

I am upset, though, that Serena's not playing because she's pregnant. So I guess she can play when she's just like three months pregnant, but she can't play when she's nine. Fully pregnant. Not the best athlete of all time. With child. I can think of 700 male tennis players that would be fine playing when their wives were pregnant.

Thomas Jefferson forged signatures on the Declaration of Independence to look cool

I'm a big 7-4 truther because I don't think that all these guys actually signed the Declaration of Independence because only a few people could actually write back then. And all the handwriting looks very similar to me. I'm thinking that a lot of the signatures were actually forged by Thomas Jefferson just so that it would look like he had a bunch of people that supported his cause so he'd look cool.

Serena Williams could beat Roger Federer

I'm going to say it. I think Serena could beat Roger Federer. Ooh, okay. I'm actually going to be the first person to say that, so come at me.

I have better shooting range than Steph Curry

My confidence is in the all-time high, so I'm always going to think I have a better range, even though I don't. ... [I've] got better [range]. Period.

Brooklyn artisanal craft bourbon is better than Kentucky bourbon

Your bourbon is second best in America to Brooklyn artisanal craft bourbon. ... Brooklyn is where you find the best bourbon in America. ... Japanese whiskey, however, is better than both Brooklyn and Kentucky.

Diversify your investment by buying scratch tickets in multiple states to become a millionaire

On a road trip, little pro tip, you buy scratch tickets or lotto tickets at every single stop in multiple different states. It's called diversifying your investment. And you will then become a millionaire.

Taking acid is dangerous; freshmen should stick to binge drinking

But I'm just going to say, for the record, taking acid is very dangerous. Stick to safe things, like binge drinking your freshman year.

Cody Bellinger is definitely on steroids

Cody Bellinger, Los Angeles Dodgers phenom. He just hit his 21st home run of the season... I think if he stays on this pace, he's going to hit like 58 home runs or something, huh? ... That's kind of what Cody's doing with steroids. Because you're not allowed to use them at all. They test you all the time.

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex to fix his baseball issues

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex. It's gotten to that point, Tim. That's too much aggression. I mean, a bat going into the first five rows, that happens. A bat going into the second deck. That's a guy who needs to have some sex. Just come once.

We should bring back shoplifting until credit card machines are streamlined

I'm going to bring back shoplifting. Just stealing from gas stations. Until they figure themselves out. I don't want to wait in line to pay for something. Martial law.

Every season is ass-eating season

It never goes out of season. Well, maybe like the dog days or something. August is not for asses. Asses are like Europe. They just take August off.

The Warriors would have been a better team if they never added Kevin Durant

The concern I had with the Warriors... they kept their top three players, but other than that, they made major moves. They got rid of rim protection... for a guy that I thought was redundant... throughout the regular season, it was looking correct. Now, in the playoffs, it looks idiotic, and I got to own that.

Jeff Van Gundy is white-knighting for Khloe Kardashian because he has a thing for her

But what it sounded like, it sounded like Jeff has a little thing for Khloe... So he's white knighting, really. He's trying to fuck Khloe.

The NHL needs another Sidney Crosby concussion to get back into the limelight

I'll tell you what we need. We need a Sidney Crosby concussion. That always gets the NHL into the limelight. Just another one of those. Even if he's not concussed, just say, yeah, he's concussed and he's actually going to skate tomorrow.

Morton Andersen is the best soccer player of all time

Morton Andersen, best soccer player of all time. [Because Ronaldo's goals are only worth one point].

The Cavaliers will win the 2017 NBA Finals in five games

That was not best player in the world night for LeBron James. He had an off night. That's okay. Because he passed the torch. I still think Cavs... Well, you know what? Cavs in five now. How about that?

The Jacksonville Jaguars are the funniest long con in professional sports history

The Jacksonville Jaguars might be the funniest thing to ever occur in professional sports. This has been a long con. We've all been owned... It's like a Wes Anderson movie. It's like you don't really appreciate a Wes Anderson movie. That's what the Jaguars are saying to everyone. You don't look at it the right way.

In every pair of twins, there is an alpha and a beta pre-cum twin

You know how when you see twins and you're like, okay, that's the pre-cum twin and that's the real cum twin. You can tell. There's one twin that's always a little bit stronger, better looking, more gregarious. The other one's the pre-cum twin.

Small schools should pay recruits in Bitcoin because it is untraceable and 'theoretically legal'

We just pay recruits in Bitcoin. Untraceable... Is there an NCAA law that you cannot pay your recruits in Bitcoin?... Bitcoin isn't tangible. It's theoretical. So, theoretically, we didn't do anything wrong.

The Bengals will go 16-0 in 2017

We're going to win every game. [16-0 guaranteed].

Vegans don't know what they're talking about and organic food is a sham

Here's what I learned. That this – Vegans don't know what they're talking about. And two, the people that are – Organic is – that's a sham too... Organic is not more healthy. It is not sustainable. We're going to 9 billion people on the planet. The resources that it takes to make something organic uses twice the month, twice as the resources that it does otherwise. I mean, that's not sustainable.

Roger Goodell is keeping a hit list of players who celebrate to have them killed

I think Goodell is secretly letting the players do this [celebrate], but you know he's keeping a hit list. So if he sees a player go to ground or use the ball as a prop, heaven forbid, he's writing your name down on a sheet of paper and he's going to pay to have you killed.

Hillary Clinton killed Chris Cornell

[Chris Cornell] also just happened to be the guy that sang the theme song for the Benghazi movie. And he was very active in Benghazi awareness that implicated a woman named Hillary Clinton. And then he passes away under mysterious circumstances. I think Hillary Clinton killed Chris Cornell.

The Washington Capitals will be 2018 Stanley Cup champions

I might just go tonight and get a Washington Capitals 2018 Stanley Cup champions tattoo.

LeVar Ball will eventually replace Luke Walton as the Lakers' head coach

In about two years when LeVar Ball gets Luke Walton out as a Lakers coach and takes over as coach. That's going to be great.

The viral photo of a man humping a shark was just 'guys being guys'

It was either him or me situation. For Jim McElwain or his doppelganger on that boat. It's like I either had to fuck that shark. Or the shark was going to die, so it died, so I fucked it... [it's] guys being guys.

If you claim you were hacked on Twitter, you should tweet vile things to make it look real

If you want to say you got hacked... before you do that just start tweeting out the craziest most vile swastikas dick pics own it just get go insane the weird links... It's so easy to actually fake like you got hacked instead of just saying, whoops, I got hacked.

My book 'How to Win a Fist Fight' would just be a hollowed-out book with a knife inside

We are going to sell a book called How to Win a Fist Fight, and it's just inside the book. It's carved out, and it's just a knife... Step one, take this knife out. Step two, stab the guy in the face. Step three, you won your fist fight.

The 'Crosby Theory': A team gets better after losing its best player

I think it's fair to ask now if the Penguins are better without Sidney Crosby... If you lose your best player, but your team gets better, the Crosby theory.

Cristiano Ronaldo's goals are easy and anyone could do them

I could fucking do that. Left footed. He's a finisher. Who isn't? We all finish.

The city of Edmonton does not actually exist

I don't think the town of Edmonton actually exists. I don't know anyone that's ever been there. I'm a big-time Edmonton truther. The whole city is filled with crisis actors.

The Chiefs trading up for Patrick Mahomes was the worst pick in the draft

The worst pick, I think, in the draft was [Patrick] Mahomes at 10 and the Chiefs trading up 17 picks to get him? Do you think they did that because they're like, yo, Ryan Pace is going to get a lot of heat? Now's our time to just go under the radar.

Patrick Mahomes' arm is too strong for the Andy Reid offense

I also think it was a questionable move by Andy Reid. It doesn't really fit his system, which is throw the ball like four yards. His arm is too strong for the Andy Reid offense. He's just going to be overthrowing his receivers all day.

Mike Brown is a better coach for the Warriors than Steve Kerr

Mike Brown is better than Steve Kerr. It's obvious if you watched the first quarter of that game last night. Steve Kerr, as we say on the show, he's a system coach. He only coaches well when he's coaching in his system. So I think that we're going to see him be exposed more and more.

Pat Riley is a time traveler

Here's how I know he's not dead is because you have to have feelings to be alive in the first place. And since he has just shut out all of his feelings, then he can't possibly ever be alive or dead. Therefore, he'll never die. Therefore, he is a time traveler. He's in a constant state of just focus. Of being.

Steve Kerr's back issues were caused by inhaling LeBron James' pre-game chalk dust

I'm pointing the finger again at LeBron James for Steve Kerr's issues. LeBron James gets up before every game and throws some unknown substance into the air. Guess who's closer than anybody else to that situation? That dust that he's thrown. Steve Kerr.