Takes

Telescopes are just an optical illusion and don't actually get you closer

So if you reflect things enough, eventually they get really close. ... It actually gets you closer because that's the only thing that you can see. So it's an optical illusion. So you think that you're closer because it's all that your eye has in its vision.

Breaking news: Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet

I think I'm going to go with the DM rumor and confirm that Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet. I've heard the same rumor... Mike Gundy does not have a mullet anymore.

Dale Jr. is the undisputed face of NASCAR

Dale Jr. is the face of NASCAR. Well, I mean, that would be Dale Jr. Oh, but he's retiring. Yeah, but he's definitely the face of NASCAR.

Metaphysical intention can change the structure of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down. You tell what, it's the emotion attached to that water and it'll be from the same water source just different word association and then it shows under a microscope what it looks like with the word intention associated with it.

Week 2 in the NFL is a must-win for 0-1 teams

So 95% of playoff teams avoid going 0-2. So if you do the math, that makes week two a must win.

Ben Roethlisberger owns Cleveland's stadium as a quarterback

Ben Roethlisberger is now the winningest quarterback in Cleveland Browns Stadium history, which opened in 1999. more wins than any Browns quarterback. So he's got 11, and that officially passes Derek Anderson, who had 10.

I would come out of retirement to play for the Patriots for $10 million

There's not much I wouldn't do for 10 million dollars.

Donald Trump has slept with over 3,000 women

Donald Trump is banging 15 to 20 women a week... in his 20s and 30s, he had as many women as Hugh Hefner... I put the overrun with 3,000 women. He's fucked. No issue about it. And I'd say I'd go over.

Nick Saban smiles for less than two minutes after winning a national championship

Oh, fellas, you said two minutes. I'd take the under. I really would. That's a lock of the decade. Because even after we won the national championship, in the locker room, not kidding, we have the crystal ball in hand... He went into the locker room and said, 'hey, guys, great job... you know that's not how we play in the second half.'

Blake Bortles is the Jaguars' QB1 for the 2017 season

Blake Bortles is back... he is QB1 for the season. All you haters out there. Blake Bortles, QB1, Jacksonville Jaguars. Write it down.

Ice cream is the most efficient way to cool your core down during a hangover

I'm going to go with just ice cream because it's so easy. You don't have to worry about chewing it... it cools your core down when you get that hangover where you're dehydrated and you have that lava core. You're sitting on your couch sweating, but if you have the ice cream, it cools you down more efficiently than anything else could.

Jon Jones is addicted to steroids

I think Jon Jones, it's an understatement to say it, but I think he just really likes drugs. He's addicted to steroids. He's got an addictive [personality]... He's the only person on earth that's addicted to PEDs.

Floyd Mayweather vs. Conor McGregor will have one billion pay-per-view buys

Sal Pal said there's gonna be 1 billion pay-per-view buys... One million [sic - meant billion]. People even said, like, hey, Sal, I think you got your stats wrong. He's like, nope. One billion pay-per-view buys.

The Washington Nationals have a 100% chance of making the NLDS

The Nationals are officially Gucci... The Sabermetrics came out, and they have a 100% chance of making the [NLDS]. I don't know how they can calculate that just yet, but I'm not very smart.

Pumpkin Spice is officially back because stores are already displaying it in August.

My first who's back of the week is Pumpkin Spice. ... Walking to a grocery store, walking to any type of store, you will see ... It's just who's back of the week. And who's back of the week is pumpkin spice.

Aaron Judge's 37-game strikeout streak is linked to the 37 pinstripes on the Yankees uniform.

He struck out 37 consecutive games in a row. ... There are 37 pinstripes on the Yankee uniform. ... Illuminati. So just grab a screen grab of his uniform and then just make a triangle in red.

Steam rooms have been proven to boost your natural human growth hormone

Steam rooms have been proven to boost your natural human growth hormone. It just helps your body repair itself. Anything that shocks your central nervous system causes your body to change.

IPAs are estrogenic and make you grow breasts

It is a proven fact that IPAs are estrogenic and make you grow tits.

Ralphie the Buffalo is actually a female

People forget Ralphie's actually a woman. I knew I was right. Ralphie has been called one of the best live mascots in sports, and she is often erroneously labeled male.

The Chicago Bulls' 'TNT Bulls' home winning streak is still alive because they weren't scheduled for any TNT games

The NBA has run away, cowards. They have not scheduled the Bulls, the Chicago Bulls, on TNT Thursday night this year... the record, the 20 straight home wins on TNT, you can't lose if you don't play.

The 'Who wants to sex Mutombo' story is completely false

I have defended myself. I have splendid myself, and I continue to splendid myself. Nobody don't know where that story come from... That story is not true. And I always even ask Alonzo Mourning, where did you get it? He said, no, somebody told me too.

I am five foot eight

[I am] five foot eight. That is definitely... [I'm] definitely not 5'6".

Masturbation makes you gay

This is a life advice that I've gotten. I don't know if it's true. Okay. But I was once told that masturbation makes you gay.

Texas is the only state that exercises sovereign immunity on contracts

Sovereign immunity is really appealing to third world dictators. ... the only state, the only state that exercises sovereign immunity on contracts is Texas. ... every state in the country eliminated exercising sovereign immunity on contracts, except for Texas does it to this day. ... And North Korea, I mean, sovereign immunity is a big deal with North Korea, Somalia. And that, you know, that's the company that's being kept if you exercise sovereign immunity on contracts.

19% of current MLB players use steroids

I'm going to say... 19% [of MLB players use steroids]. They have a drug testing problem and they have a penalization problem. Chemists are starting to get one step ahead and start maintaining that one step ahead of the drug testing.

Finishing a beer after being arrested for it is protected by double jeopardy

I think if you start the beer and you get arrested for drinking that beer and then you finish it and they try to arrest you again, that's double jeopardy. It is. You can't be charged twice for the same crime. If it's the same beer.

Tobey Maguire is the greatest celebrity poker player in the world

The biggest celebrity winner probably in the world is Tobey Maguire... He's really good. Ben Affleck is an excellent poker player as well, and these guys play in some high-stakes games.

I left the Broncos for the Jaguars primarily to maximize my family's financial security

This game for me is about providing for my family, allowing my daughter to grow with not too many worries. No state income tax down in Florida. Florida, Texas, Tennessee... as a player, you know, we get cut every day... if [fans] had the opportunity to do what I did, they would do the exact same thing.

The Nationals have the most potent offense in baseball

Shout out to future hall of famer Dan Haren because on this same podcast on Wednesday he said the nationals have the most potent offense in baseball boom so next day [they hit 8 home runs].

Clayton Kershaw and Max Scherzer are the best pitchers in baseball

Him [Kershaw] and Scherzer are the best ones. [Kershaw] is the best pitcher in baseball. I'm worried about his back, though. This is the third year in a row he's gone on the DL for his back.

The Seahawks locker room hates Russell Wilson

The Seahawks all hate Russell Wilson. ... It's the worst kept secret in football. If you go back two years ago when they were really, really good and people were saying that the Seahawks' defense doesn't respect him because he's not black enough, at that point you're like, okay, this is a really screwed up locker room.

Bunnies will not chew on power cords if they have an electric current

Bunnies won't chew on a cord if it has electric current going through it. Because they just know. ... Because they're just smart.

There are more wild camels in Australia than in the Middle East

There are more feral camels in Australia than the Middle East. ... In Dubai, they buy their camels from Australia. They import them.

Lonzo Ball's Summer League introduction was the sixth most popular post in NBA Instagram history

The NBA made a press release today saying that of all the posts that the league has ever put on Instagram... that Lonzo being introduced at Summer League, when they put that up on IG... That's the sixth most popular thing they've ever put up.

Marlins Man claims he is the founder of All Lives Matter

Marlins Man claimed that he was the founder of All Lives Matter. He claimed he invented the phrase All Lives Matter.

No one will be put in a position of importance in America if they have weird hair

No one's going to get put into a position of importance in America if they have weird hair. That's a fact.

I've eaten bigger burritos than Ray Rice

I've eaten bigger burritos than him. I mean, obviously, the real one is supposed to say I'm taking it. But that one was thought of ahead of time, but it turned out good.

You can't find a touchdown in a club

You can't find a touchdown in a club. Is that true? Yeah, that's my quote.

Salmonella is like the chicken pox; once you get it once, you can never get it again

If you get salmonella, then you don't have to worry about getting it again so you can eat cookie dough and stuff. No, because if you get salmonella, then you don't have to worry about getting it again.

The Sun is not actually hot because space is cold

There's a big conspiracy theory out there that the sun is not actually hot. ... If the sun is hot, why is space cold? ... The sun is probably the biggest fraud of all time if it's cold. ... If you're on the surface of the sun, you'd be fine. You could have a picnic on the surface of the sun.

The MLB baseballs are wound tighter this season causing more home runs

I think the balls are wound a little tighter this year, no doubt. I think pitchers are throwing harder and guys are stronger, so therefore the ball's just going to go further.

Switch hitters have to re-learn how to hit every single spring training

I was two completely different hitters. I don't exaggerate when I say this... Every year in spring training, I had to learn how to hit again. I literally would come to spring training, the first few games, I would look like I never played baseball.

Swaggy P signing is irrelevant to the Warriors' championship chances

The Warriors' odds to win the NBA championship before Swaggy P signed, minus 163. After he signed, minus 163. So Swaggy P is literally irrelevant to the Warriors' chances to win. His wins above replacement is zero.

70% of people make a right-hand turn when they walk into a mall

i'm just i'm just a fucking nutcase guys i mean i pick apart and study and you know everything like 70 of people that walk into a mall make a right hand turn now that bothers the shit out of me and because it's true

Cold urine smells less than warm urine, which is why bars put ice in urinals

cold piss does not smell as much as warm so is that what it is is it is that why okay because we always just assumed because we're guys we like to pee on snow and ice... I can tell you this. Cold piss does not smell as much as warm.

An overcrowded bar actually makes less money than one with 20% fewer people

You know what's funny is that bar with 20% less people in it would actually make more money that night. And that's the sign of a rookie owner. Because when a bar gets that crowded, I can't get waitresses to you. Bartenders can't serve everyone. Half the people in the room don't have drinks.

Hot dog buns are significantly harder to eat since Wonder Bread went out of business

I did notice when Wonder Bread went out of business years ago, and then the buns changed a little bit. They seemed to get harder, but then eventually they found another company that were similar specs.

I could beat a grizzly bear in a hot dog eating competition

Michael Phelps is racing against a great white shark. Can Joey Chestnut beat a grizzly bear in a hot dog eating competition? [Joey Chestnut]: Yeah, I could do it... I think I have the capacity to do it. I think the bear would start to wonder what's going on.

The Jaguars will never have the #1 overall pick in franchise history because they aren't even good at being bad

They've never, ever been the worst team in the league by record... If they get only two wins, there's a good chance they'll have the number one overall pick, which will be the first time in Jaguars history that they have the number one overall pick.

Chris Paul hated Doc Rivers because of the preferential treatment given to Austin Rivers

Chris Paul hated Doc Rivers ever since he brought Austin Rivers on and basically didn't yell at Austin Rivers and treated him exactly like his child.