Takes

Dentists are a scam

Dentists are a scam. You don't have a cavity until somebody tells you you have a cavity. People don't go to the dentist when their teeth are feeling great.

Fried lobster is the most delicious thing I have ever eaten

I had fried lobster for the first time in my life. That's all I've been thinking about. It was the most delicious thing I've ever ate.

I am officially refusing to wear flip flops in gym showers or steam rooms

I've been going in the gym's shower and the steam room with no flip flops and I'm disgusted by myself... [but] I'm never getting flip flops. Fuck it. I'm never getting flip flops.

I need to become less fun than my son's toys so he stops waking me up in the middle of the night

Last night [my son] got up at one in the morning... he was just sitting next to my bed, wasn't saying anything, just sitting there. I caught him the other day doing this at three in the morning... slowly opening the door with his hands like a ninja. I need to become less fun than his toys. He has toys in there and he's like, 'I'd rather hang out with dad' at 1:00 in the morning.

The NBA Western Conference is trash while the Eastern Conference is stacked

I watched the Nuggets, absolutely smoked the Clippers... damn, the Nuggets are good. The Western conference isn't that great this year. ... The Western conference is trash. The Eastern conference is stacked. Stacked.

Modern truck auto-stop engine technology is dangerous and poorly designed

Every time you stop, it'll go to a full stop, the engine turns off... The thing is the car has to turn off and start back up again. And if people know, like the more miles you get on a truck, the more times you start a truck, the engine's gotta turn over... It happened to me in a busy ass intersection and I couldn't get the truck back started... putting people like myself in danger.

I am officially in my annual 'betting unders' phase

I'm starting to like betting unders and it's a phase I don't like and I do it every year. I win one under and I'm like, that was easy. I'm deep in it right now. I only look at the board and I'm like, 'Oh, I love all these unders.' It's gross. I'll phase out of it and get back to betting on the over for games that I like the under.

Ime Udoka's suspension from the Celtics is a messy, public drama nightmare

My Fyre Fest besides the Celtics coach getting suspended for a year... for what? Disgustingly messy public drama. Yeah, that sucks. The only crime he did was his dick was too hard.

Fans who return historic baseballs for little reward are likely getting paid secretly

I have a take. I think that [MLB teams] are paying these guys a lot, but they don't make it public how much they're giving them because they don't wanna raise the price for future type memorabilia. All those times you're like, oh, this person's stupid for just taking that much... I think they're getting paid off behind the scenes.

Hangovers at age 37 are a traumatic experience that ruins your entire week

I'm pre upset at myself for how shitty I'm going to feel on Saturday and Sunday... I know I can reach my peak. It's just the, when I reached my peak, the aftermath is very, very difficult to bounce back with. So I'm, I probably won't feel good again until mid next week. So yeah, pre fire-festing the hangover and the regret that I have from going on a bachelor party at 37.

It is cringeworthy for one adult to use the word 'potty' when talking to another adult

The person who was working the like little cafe... was like, I gotta, I'm putting up this sign. I gotta go to the potty. And it's been in my head since, and I don't like another adult telling another adult I have to go use the potty is the most cringeworthy. Like I can't get outta my head.

We are getting ripped off because guests aren't paying us $50,000 to appear on the podcast

We're getting ripped off as a podcast because that came out yesterday saying that people are paying up to $50,000 to appear on podcast. No one's ever even approached us and asked us to pay for coming on our podcast. In fact, it's only been the other way around... We should start billing people that have already been on the show.

I genetically cannot get a six-pack

I'll also never promise a six pack during the summer ever again. I am [getting there] but no. I don't think you genetically can get a six pack. Absolutely. I'm kidding. It's not everyone can get one. No, I am. I'm on the road there.

Wednesday is the worst night of the week for an adult to get drunk

I learned when I was like 34 years old to never, ever drink on a Wednesday. Wednesday is the worst night of the week to get drunk on by far... Thursday is a wash, Friday you're stricken with panic. You can't even enjoy your Friday cause you're trying to catch up on everything that you missed on Thursday.

Monday is the worst night of the week to drink

Doing anything bad to your body on a Monday is just like a killer way to start off a week. Like it will just completely bare... I still think Monday would be the worst. I think if you start, if you really drunk on Monday night, your whole week is fucked. You're just fucked.

Blogging was easier in the early 2010s because there were fewer bloggers and more unique topics

I think you blogged a different era. I will say... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics to blog she could get... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics.

Sneezing in public is one of the most taboo and awkward things you can do

Sneezing in public has gotta be like the most awkward... oh it's so taboo now. And it always was taboo with it's really when you're driving, I think it's super dangerous... But there's nothing you can do. Like you can try to hold it in. But when you have allergies... there's nothing.

I have harder and tougher hands than Billy Football

I honestly I'll I'll like disavow my own title. I have stronger and tougher hands than [Billy Football]. I don't want the title. I don't want the belt. Admitting I have soft hands... they're soft. But you don't have hard hands. You are not as tough as you think you are.

The 'no phone case' lifestyle is a gamble that makes every day more thrilling

A lot of people would be like, 'oh, you don't have a case because you have money.' I wrote that blog in like 2013 when I had just, I was smashing phones left and right. And it costs me a lot of money. I so I've been no case for a very long time. It is not a money thing. It's just a thrill thing. It's a gamble. Every day when you wake up knowing this could be the last day of your phone.

It is okay to be a 'casual' fan who hops between sports during busy seasons

I'm okay with this. I think we as sports fans in a sports podcast, we need to normalize the fact that there's a lot of sports on and the experts in each field trying to shame the true sports guys like ourselves. I'm sick of it... I'm a casual. It's okay for us to hop from sport to sport.

Losing to UNC in Coach K's final game will haunt me for the rest of my life

Whenever I'm happy, whenever anything goes in my life, whenever I'm feeling good or like something Patriots, Celtics, whatever it may be. I just know that Daniel Katz is gonna just at any chance he gets be like, 'Hey, remember when we killed coach K and the final four and UNC beat Duke in their last two games.' And it's just going to bring me down.

Ordering a steak 'Medium Rare Plus' is a 'Karen' move

I officially accept that medium rare plus is a thing. Okay. At the same time, just kind of a Karen move to order... I acknowledge its existence as well. I personally prefer [to not be an asshole].

I am steadfastly committed to Carson Wentz conversion therapy

I'm still I'm, I'm steadfast. I'm committed to the Carson Wentz conversion therapy. I'm moving forward with it. Very happy with him as my quarterback.

Moana is a legitimately incredible movie

That movie is awesome. I don't know if anyone's seen Moana with the Rock. It's a legitimately incredible movie. I'm at the point now where I'm like 'How about Moana?' and [my son's] like 'Nah, Mickey Mouse.'

Interacting with other parents is the absolute worst part of parenting

My son's school closed because of construction permanently and I got stuck in a WhatsApp thread with a bunch of parents who wanted to sue. This is not what I like—being a parent is awesome of your children. Having to interact with other parents is the worst.

I could easily run a 5k in under 30 minutes if I actually trained

If I trained, which I won't, I could be under 30 easy. No problem. My pace was already 4:30... 34 minutes, I didn't stop. I just fucking powered through.

Fresh Skyline Chili is absolute gas and tastes like Mediterranean food

Skyline is actually fire... Didn't have Skyline from Cincinnati before. I had it from the cans and I didn't really like it. Got some fresh Skyline. It's absolute gas. It kind of tastes like Mediterranean food. Literally. Like the chili gives off like – hero [gyro] vibes.

I don't believe the United States will ever be good at soccer

I just don't believe that we will win. It's that simple... I wish we were good at soccer. We're not. And I'm not gonna pretend like soccer matters in this country when it doesn't.

Putting milk in eggs makes them better and more like pancakes

What you do is you put like, I have put milk in my eggs and then they're like, almost like a pancake when you do them. But apparently the nice browning of the outside of the eggs... it's better than gooey icky eggs.

Sleeping is the most dangerous thing you can do once you hit your mid-30s

I actually think that sleeping is the most dangerous thing that we do once we hit our mid thirties. [In response to dislocating shoulder in sleep] I woke up and my shoulder was literally out of its socket and I had to pull it back into its socket.

The CAA banning James Madison from postseason tournaments is total fraud

The Colonial Athletic Association is a bunch of frauds, and they banned James Madison University from their postseason tournaments because JMU is leaving to go to the Sun Belt... they're taking the monetary thing out on the students that are there. It's bullshit.

Ryen Russillo would beat the Pardon My Take crew in a fight because he holds so much internal anger

I actually have a different take on it. I think Russillo holds so much anger in his shoulders and neck from various people online saying, oh, did you vote for Trump because of the taxes that he would probably kick all of our assets... he would cave my Skullet.

Never plan a Saturday night dinner for a bachelor party

The biggest tip I always give is don't plan a dinner for Saturday night. That's the dumbest thing ever. It's like a tranquilizer dart to your face. You drink all day Saturday, and then you have this... big steak dinner on Saturday night, and then there's just no party afterwards because it's like, holy shit, we drank all day, then we ate a big meal. Who wants to go out after that?

The weekly NFL MVP award has tarnished the importance of the actual MVP

The importance of the MVP award has been tarnished. Now they're doing one weekly. I don't like that.

Experienced fathers develop a 'sixth sense' that allows them to catch vomit in their hands

I finally get after all these years, like why people love the Jersey shore... My son was a little sick this week. I, now I have like dad's sixth sense. I caught my son's puke in my own hand that's because I knew it was coming and I fucking caught the whole goddamn puke in my hands.

F1 is a game where you have to outspend your competitors to win

My fire Fest is I downloaded the F1 game on my phone and I've spent $140 upgrading my car in the last two weeks... you gotta have the most money if you want to win. Right. Exactly. So I think I'm going to outspend the competitors.

Perfectly packing a car with vacation gear and kids is the official mark of a dad

Packing a car with two little kids and like doing the Tetris move to get the whole car full. I've never felt I earned my dad pinstripes like that was the official moment. I was like, yeah, I'm a dad because it was the hardest thing I've ever done. And it was like I wasted not a single inch.

I enjoy watching sports injury videos on the internet

I will stand by that. I like watching injury videos. I don't like watching in real life injuries. Okay. Put me on the other side of a computer and I'll feel okay.

I am angry that NIL wasn't active during my college career

Everyone's, you know, selling merch, being a Twitch streamer and making money off of their likeness... I was in college [in 2017]... kind of pissed that this happened so many years later and not when I was in college.

Anyone over the age of 25 must hire a mover

Over the age of 25, you should hire a mover. I agree. I am that mover in this case. Yeah. Well, are you hired? No. Okay. You need to get hired.

I am officially bringing back the phrase 'Now that's paper'

I gotta start thinking about another phrase. I'm thinking now that's paper. I tried to bring back now that's paper while ago, but it feels, I feel like the times right now. Bet. I like bet.

Sarcasm is the best way to prepare a child for life

I'm going to weaponize [my son] with sarcasm. That will hopefully get him through life.

Losing your debit card is a good way to replenish your finances by clearing out forgotten subscriptions.

That's how I look at losing my debit card sometimes because you get the monthly charges for things that you forget that you're subscribed to. And so then those charges stop and then you have to re-sign up for them again. You can look at this in a positive light, Bubba.

It is a 'big sunglasses on the back of the head guy' move to rip a ball away from a 5-year-old at a park

[Speaker 2]: his son was way older than mine, and he just stole the ball from our ball. And I was like, you can't take that. [PFT Commenter]: You know what that is? That's a big sunglasses on the back of the head upside down guy move.

Being a dad is the coolest thing ever

Being a dad is, like, the coolest thing ever. I'm just going to say that. Not to be sappy. But I fucking, like, me and my son, like, we bro out hard all the time... vibes to the moon.

I am officially retiring from giving pregame speeches

I gave them [Tony Scheffler's team] a pump up speech before state quarterfinals. And then they lost by like 40. I'm retiring from the pregame speech. We'll stop doing speeches.

Unpaid internships shouldn't be abolished because there are government grants available for them.

What I was trying to say is that there's you can't get we can't get rid of unpaid internships... There's plenty of search engines to find funding and scholarships for unpaid internships that you can qualify for, especially underrepresented... You don't get paid from the employer, but you can get grants so you can take those.

Rebranding Mr. Potato Head to 'Potato Head' is neutering the toy

They changed him today. They massacred my boy. Hasbro is... they neutered him. Yeah, they're giving him a spud, a gender-neutral new name. Just Potato Head.

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.