Takes

The USMNT's tie against Brazil is actually 'bad news' because it keeps Gregg Berhalter around

This was a bad tie because now it's gonna keep a shitty coach around because people are gonna be like, 'Good job Greg. You're coaching for your job and you got a major win when you tied Brazil.' ... It's gonna be bad news if he's the coach of the World Cup team.

The El Camino is the 'mullet' of cars

One word to describe El Camino and it's bitching. This ride is fucking sweet. 1970 SS racing stripe cherry red. I'm actually thinking about getting a mullet as an accessory to my car. I like that because the, the El Camino is a mullet of cars. Yeah. It's business in the front party in the back.

Age 40 is a major cutoff; your fitness level on the day you turn 40 determines your physical trajectory for the rest of your life.

It's time to get back in shape. Gotta get in shape before you're 40. I feel like anything you do before you're 40, that's who you're gonna be after 40. 40 is like a big cutoff. If I'm in shape the day I turn 40, I can get fat and then get back in shape. No problem.

Dots Pretzels are the most addictive snack in existence

I've never been addicted to a snack more than this. And it's dangerous. It is crazy.

I like getting a single bug bite

I like a good bug bite. Just a good, just a good old fashioned bug bite. Like maybe on the top of your shin. Nice little spot. You can scratch it a little... A single bug bite on the top of your shin. Just a little itch. Not so bad.

I have officially transitioned into a 'spill guy' who spills on his clothes once a week

I had a great run as a guy who didn't spill on himself... I am now a spill guy. Happens probably once a week. Chips in queso have become the devil. I just end up with a spill no matter what.

I am a better athlete than Hank, despite being nine years older than him

I honestly don't, like no offense to you, but I don't think it's like a washed up thing. I think just PFT and I are better athletes than you. We're nine years older than you and still better athletes than you. ... I beat you in every combine event.

The Bears are back now that they've extended Jaylon Johnson

Jaylon Johnson extended... Four-year deal. He was franchise tagged and they were saying they were gonna keep working on it. Fucking love it. It's a good move. Oh, bears are back.

I am going to pimp out Vanny Woodhead and bring the van back to life in Chicago

We are going to get Vanny to Chicago. We have, we're in a different financial situation than we were six years ago. So I'm gonna probably put some money into this Vanny, pimp it out, figure out how to make it technically exist again. And now we'll have Vanny back in our lives. Like this trip to Indy would've been a perfect, let's just hop in Vanny. Yeah. So we're I Vanny is back.

I am returning to a private lifestyle because the internet ruined the Tiffany Gomas content

I will definitely be going back to, to zero dark private life mode... because it's fun. I enjoy it and, and you know, 99% of the people are fun. They play along... But then there's the 1% of people, people that will DMM and, and, and, and just go way over the top.

I have a rational confidence that I could pass the multiple-choice portion of the Bar Exam without studying

I have a rational confidence that I could pass the multiple choice part [of the bar exam]. If I studied I could definitely do it... I'm good at reading a test question and figuring out what they're trying to ask me. I've watched enough SVU I think to pass the bar exam.

Albus Dumbledore is a piece of shit for setting Harry Potter up to die

As I'm watching them [the Harry Potter movies], dude, Dumbledore's a piece of shit. He knew that Harry had to sacrifice himself. He set him up. The guy that you think is like the grandpa that's always there to help him... he's a bad sicko.

Books are always better than the movies

Michael Lewis books—always better than the movie. Big Short? Ever heard of it? Moneyball? Ever heard of it? Blindside? Books are always better than the movie.

I only enjoy watching baseball when my team is on offense

What I said was... I like when my team is on offense, and I don't like when my team is on defense. [It's because] in the short series, every [pitch] is so important. You lose one and you're just back that much.

You would always rather give up a solo home run than a walk in the 9th

Top of the ninth, up 3-1. First batter. Would you rather give up a walk or a solo shot? I'd rather give up a solo shot. [Because with a walk] all of a sudden the tying run is on base and it's just all the nerves. Tension. I texted Dan Haren and he said 'no question you'd rather give up a solo shot.'

Justin Fields predicting he will throw for 4,000 yards in 2023 will only lead to more Bears fan misery

Justin Fields said he's gonna throw over 4,000 yards this year. And then it just triggered the reaction online being like, 'Oh my God, the Bears have never had a 4,000 yard passer.' And also if he doesn't throw over 4,000 yards this year, then it's gonna be like, oh, they still don't. So that sucked.

Staying in an ADA-compliant apartment as an able-bodied person is selfish

I'm just uncomfortable staying here [in an ADA-compliant apartment] where someone else who might need it more [could live]... I view it in the perspective like PFT said, I'm taking the space right now of someone who needs it more.

I am definitively the best Mount Rushmore drafter in the history of the show

I think I'm easily, you know, I'm a humble guy, but I'm pretty far and away the best Mount Rushmore drafter on this show over the years.

Billy Football's dog definitely thinks that Billy is a bitch

You know what? Billy's dog definitely thinks that Billy's a bitch. Billy's dog is like, 'Dude, we could have handled [the geese].'

Football is now primarily a TV sport, not an in-person sport

I think we've reached the point where we primarily think of football as a TV sport. Not an in-person sport. We lose track of the fact that people... well in our defense, 99% of the audience is TV. Probably higher.

Having a soul patch makes zero difference to my appearance because my facial hair is already shitty

I have realized that me having a soul patch makes absolutely zero difference because people will just be like, PFT's got shitty facial hair. More news at 11. I've known that I've been face-bald for years.

Age and gender do not matter in pickleball

I'm telling you, if you play pickleball, you know that age, gender doesn't matter. Everyone plays together. Age is not a thing in pickleball. If you're good, you're good, you can hang.

Seasonal aggression is a real phenomenon where people get angrier when it's hot out

Seasonal aggression. Yeah... angry... just gets hyper... no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

No one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate is over 150 BPM

No one should be, no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

I officially hate t-shirt weather because I am not physically ready for it

My fire fest is, it happens every year... it's t-shirt weather again. And I'm not ready. I'm wearing spanks again. I'm back on the spanks. So this is a temporary, like a bandaid over a gaping, gaping wound... I gotta figure out how to lose like 40 pounds.

I won't buy a golf bag until I break 130

I'm building myself up like a video game character in golf where I'm not allowing myself to get a golf bag until I break 130. That means that I'm carrying around a full set of clubs whenever I go to golf anywhere... I've literally taken a belt and I've wrapped it around my golf clubs and tightened it to keep them all together.

Dentists are a scam

Dentists are a scam. You don't have a cavity until somebody tells you you have a cavity. People don't go to the dentist when their teeth are feeling great.

Fried lobster is the most delicious thing I have ever eaten

I had fried lobster for the first time in my life. That's all I've been thinking about. It was the most delicious thing I've ever ate.

I am going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts all next week in the cold just to prove that Punxsutawney Phil isn't the boss of me.

Be a fucking man. I'm gonna put on shorts right in that little rat fuck's [Punxsutawney Phil] face. I'm gonna wear shorts next, all next week... just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me, 'oh, the sky is falling,' that I'm a man and I can make my own decisions.

I am officially refusing to wear flip flops in gym showers or steam rooms

I've been going in the gym's shower and the steam room with no flip flops and I'm disgusted by myself... [but] I'm never getting flip flops. Fuck it. I'm never getting flip flops.

I need to become less fun than my son's toys so he stops waking me up in the middle of the night

Last night [my son] got up at one in the morning... he was just sitting next to my bed, wasn't saying anything, just sitting there. I caught him the other day doing this at three in the morning... slowly opening the door with his hands like a ninja. I need to become less fun than his toys. He has toys in there and he's like, 'I'd rather hang out with dad' at 1:00 in the morning.

The NBA Western Conference is trash while the Eastern Conference is stacked

I watched the Nuggets, absolutely smoked the Clippers... damn, the Nuggets are good. The Western conference isn't that great this year. ... The Western conference is trash. The Eastern conference is stacked. Stacked.

Modern truck auto-stop engine technology is dangerous and poorly designed

Every time you stop, it'll go to a full stop, the engine turns off... The thing is the car has to turn off and start back up again. And if people know, like the more miles you get on a truck, the more times you start a truck, the engine's gotta turn over... It happened to me in a busy ass intersection and I couldn't get the truck back started... putting people like myself in danger.

I am officially in my annual 'betting unders' phase

I'm starting to like betting unders and it's a phase I don't like and I do it every year. I win one under and I'm like, that was easy. I'm deep in it right now. I only look at the board and I'm like, 'Oh, I love all these unders.' It's gross. I'll phase out of it and get back to betting on the over for games that I like the under.

Fans who return historic baseballs for little reward are likely getting paid secretly

I have a take. I think that [MLB teams] are paying these guys a lot, but they don't make it public how much they're giving them because they don't wanna raise the price for future type memorabilia. All those times you're like, oh, this person's stupid for just taking that much... I think they're getting paid off behind the scenes.

Hangovers at age 37 are a traumatic experience that ruins your entire week

I'm pre upset at myself for how shitty I'm going to feel on Saturday and Sunday... I know I can reach my peak. It's just the, when I reached my peak, the aftermath is very, very difficult to bounce back with. So I'm, I probably won't feel good again until mid next week. So yeah, pre fire-festing the hangover and the regret that I have from going on a bachelor party at 37.

Once you reach a certain age, the hangover punishment for having fun is far worse than the fun itself

The punishment for having fun is now way worse than the fun itself. So you'll just never have fun again. I've kind of reached that point as well where you're scared of what you're going to have to deal with in the aftermath.

It is cringeworthy for one adult to use the word 'potty' when talking to another adult

The person who was working the like little cafe... was like, I gotta, I'm putting up this sign. I gotta go to the potty. And it's been in my head since, and I don't like another adult telling another adult I have to go use the potty is the most cringeworthy. Like I can't get outta my head.

We are getting ripped off because guests aren't paying us $50,000 to appear on the podcast

We're getting ripped off as a podcast because that came out yesterday saying that people are paying up to $50,000 to appear on podcast. No one's ever even approached us and asked us to pay for coming on our podcast. In fact, it's only been the other way around... We should start billing people that have already been on the show.

I genetically cannot get a six-pack

I'll also never promise a six pack during the summer ever again. I am [getting there] but no. I don't think you genetically can get a six pack. Absolutely. I'm kidding. It's not everyone can get one. No, I am. I'm on the road there.

Wednesday is the worst night of the week for an adult to get drunk

I learned when I was like 34 years old to never, ever drink on a Wednesday. Wednesday is the worst night of the week to get drunk on by far... Thursday is a wash, Friday you're stricken with panic. You can't even enjoy your Friday cause you're trying to catch up on everything that you missed on Thursday.

Monday is the worst night of the week to drink

Doing anything bad to your body on a Monday is just like a killer way to start off a week. Like it will just completely bare... I still think Monday would be the worst. I think if you start, if you really drunk on Monday night, your whole week is fucked. You're just fucked.

I would be just as good at golf with only three clubs

I don't think that I would be significantly worse at golf if I only had a driver, a seven iron and a putter. I don't think I would shave any strokes off my game by incorporating irons three through six.

Blogging was easier in the early 2010s because there were fewer bloggers and more unique topics to cover

I think you blogged a different era. I will say... there were fewer bloggers and there were more topics to blog [about]... I think you could have, like when you put up 14 blogs, it's 14 blogs that no one else is blogging.

The early 2010s was the hardest era of blogging due to the sheer level of competition

The early 2010s was maybe the hardest era to blog in. You had the most competition, the fiercest competition... he [Billy Football] would've gotten chewed up and spit out in 2013.

Sneezing in public is one of the most taboo and awkward things you can do

Sneezing in public has gotta be like the most awkward... oh it's so taboo now. And it always was taboo with it's really when you're driving, I think it's super dangerous... But there's nothing you can do. Like you can try to hold it in. But when you have allergies... there's nothing.

Clay Travis is a loser for bragging about getting kicked out of his son's Little League game

I don't care who these boys' daddies are... He just sat and bragged about getting kicked out of a little league game and thought that everyone would be like, 'Oh my God, you're right, that umpire sucks.' This is just as basic as it gets. You just sat and bragged about getting kicked out of a little league game.

Apple Watches are the primary tool used for cheating in modern academia

Apple watches in my opinion, ruined academia because literally they're the number one thing used to cheat... It's just rampant uses. I've never had an apple watch, but I wanted to buy one just because like, it would have been so much easier.

The XFL should have a 'fake college' loophole to allow older players to qualify for tryouts

I'm going to find out I've got my agents and representatives reaching out to find out the details... or if maybe there's a fake college that I can enroll in in order to qualify for the XFL.

I have harder and tougher hands than Billy Football

I honestly I'll I'll like disavow my own title. I have stronger and tougher hands than [Billy Football]. I don't want the title. I don't want the belt. Admitting I have soft hands... they're soft. But you don't have hard hands. You are not as tough as you think you are.