Takes

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday because he has enough people sucking his dick

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday by the way. Fuck, fuck that guy. He's got enough people to suck his dick and wish him a happy birthday. Awful announcing quote that. I hope I do it again next year.

I need to get into a car accident that totals my car so I have an excuse to buy a new one

I need to get in an accident that totals this car so that I have no choice but to get a new car. I want to get a sick car. That way I don't even have a choice.

The 2026 World Cup draw will be rigged in favor of the United States.

The World Cup draw is tomorrow. ... I think this is gonna be the most rigged draw ever for the United States. And I put together my, this is my pick for our group: USA, Iran, South Africa, New Zealand.

Lions defensive coordinator Aaron Glenn should be fired if the defense gets embarrassed by a backup offensive line

I was saying if the defense gets embarrassed by an all backup offensive line... he should probably be [fired]. Must compete. I wanna see a competitive football team against a team that has 2% of their offense.

The Packers getting Micah Parsons for only two first-round picks is an absolute fleece by Green Bay

Packers fleeced... yes this is a cope and then I'm gonna mute the whole thing. This is crazy... will there be a player in the next two drafts in the, let's call it 15 to 25 range, where the packers will most likely be picking that will be better than Micah Parsons? The answer is no.

The Pacific Time Zone is the worst time zone for sports

I hate Pacific Time zone. It sucks. Everything's just two nights in a row. ... I've pulled up like we have long days and I, I like, I'll pull up the Cubs game being like, I'm gonna watch the Cubs game in my hotel room. And they're just like, oh, they're down eight. Nothing. It's the eighth inning.

The job of a male OB-GYN is essentially just to mansplain women's bodies to them

Here's a fun fact though. The job of a male [OB-GYN] is to mansplain that— I mean, how the fuck are you supposed to know that? They didn't put any periods in between the letters or anything.

Jayson Tatum has officially replaced Joel Embiid as the worst playoff superstar in the Eastern Conference

I guess that a super embarrassing that Jason Tatum has now taken the crown of the worst playoff performer in the Eastern Conference... Joel Embiid for a long time was known as the worst Eastern Conference superstar to play in the playoffs. And Jason Tatum simply has worst playoff stats than Joel Embiid. And that's a fact.

Jayson Tatum was carried to his championship and would be a loser on any other organization

Jason Tatum would also be a loser if he wasn't playing for the Celtics... He played horribly in that championship and was carried by the rest of his team.

Having a stomach bug is one of the worst things that can happen to a human

Getting the stomach bug is by far the worst thing that can possibly happen to a human I think. Cancer, I feel like stomach bug's gotta be up there. Just kidding, just kidding... you feel like you're dying though. It's terrible.

I am significantly better than Hank at 16-inch softball

I am definitely so much better than Hank at 16-inch softball... I guarantee you. I can slap singles. I'm faster than Hank.

The card collecting community is mostly comprised of gatekeeping losers

I had the entire card community come after me and they do not like me and they are fucking losers... it's the gatekeepers. And the guys who are like, 'actually'.

A 2032 asteroid will likely hit the Earth and specifically ruin a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl run

My fire fest of the week is that there's an asteroid heading towards Earth. It's scheduled to hit the planet potentially in 2032. This tells me this has like Brown Super Bowl run written all over it. And the asteroid shows up.

I am a better athlete than Hank at everything

I just have to come to the realization, I'm just a better athlete than [Hank] at everything... I'm mad at myself hand up accountability. I'm just better at than Hank at everything Hand up.

I am betting against LSU because they are using a fake Mike the Tiger on the sidelines

It appears that they are now bringing a tiger back onto their sidelines... it seems like it might be a fake mike, the tiger that they're putting on the sidelines, because people took pictures... and they compared the stripes and they think that it's a duplicate Mike. It's a fake Mike the tiger... in which case I am going to be betting against LSU.

Lactose intolerance is a sign of weakness and most people who claim it are 'pussies'

I think lactose intolerant people are just pussies. I just, when people are like, I can't eat that ice cream. I'm lact— shut the fuck up. Eat the ice cream. If you need an EpiPen, I respect you. If you are, if you like, oh, I got a little diarrhea, dude, that's my whole life is eating too much ice cream and getting diarrhea.

The Commanders fleeced the Eagles in the Jahan Dotson trade

We're fleecing the Eagles. Big time. You bunch of bald eagles over there got fleeced so hard. [Dotson] was fighting for the second spot... he was I think losing that competition to Martavis Bryant.

The 'Uncrustable Diet' is the perfect way to get in shape for age 40

I'm trying a new diet that I think I invented, which is strictly Uncrustables. ... My meal plan is, I eat four Uncrustables a day. ... I think that the Uncrustable is probably the perfect snack. The perfect meal, the perfect everything.

Caleb Williams is the Ben Simmons of the NFL

I've been thinking about Caleb Williams. There's, there's a player that he reminds me of. Little bit of a diva off the court. Really big into the fashion life, the pop star life. A can't miss prospect. ... Ben Simmons. Ben Simmons was the next LeBron. ... Ben Simmons was a can't miss prospect. ... Both teams missed the [college] playoffs... Think about Ben Simmons.

Hitchhiking should be brought back because it was generally safe

Bring back hitchhiking. Hitchhiking was safe. I feel like hitchhiking got a bad rap because there were a couple serial killers out there. Almost 100% of hitchhikers ended without a serial killer encounter.

Flacco the Owl was a slut

Even though I don't, I I I'll still stand with my take that Flacco the owl was a slut. Big time slut. I guess the pigeon herpes might've been because he was eating pigeons. ... I'm sticking with full on slut shaming a flacco. You were a slut. That's how you got the herpes.

The Penguins faked the Jaromir Jagr bobblehead truck hijacking because they forgot to order them.

I've got a car filled with Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads that I'm trying to get rid of... I don't think the bobbleheads existed. I think maybe I, I think that maybe there were no bobbleheads and the Penguins were like, 'fuck it's bobblehead night, we forgot to order these things.' It's Jussie Smollett head night. They're like, 'well we don't have—oh yeah, the cops, we called the cops, they're looking into it right now.'

Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson would dominate Olympic Handball with minimal training

I believe it even more [that we would win gold]. Josh Allen could be the best handball player in the world right now... Imagine trying to stop Lamar. You could just take quarterbacks and they would win a gold medal.

Your physical health and fitness decisions do not matter until you turn 40 years old

I've always thought that nothing that you do before you're 40 really matters. So once you're 40, you're an adult... if you turn 40 and you're not in good shape, nobody ever gets in great shape after they're 40... besides that, you don't really clean your life up that much in terms of your physique.

Wisconsin will beat Ohio State in Madison

Luke Fickle is building a monster. I stand by that. We're going to beat Ohio State. You hear that right now? Halloween weekend, night game, Madison. We're going to beat Ohio State.

Snake owners are absolute weirdos and potential serial killers

It's serial killer vibes to be a pro snake... Snakes literally have had the worst rap. Deservedly so in the history of animals... Just get a dog.

Juju Smith-Schuster is a piece of shit and AJ Brown would beat him up

He's a piece of shit. Like, I don't know who he thinks he is... AJ Brown would beat the absolute fucking... AJ Brown would've. AJ Brown basically said, said that he would, he would beat the fuck out of him if he's keep talking about him.

The new PLL Sixes format is the best lacrosse product and will replace regular rules

I think the new, the new PLL championship series six is, is actually I think like the best lacrosse product I've ever seen. Like I think it's gonna replace regular, the regular rules. I think this is how the game is gonna be played in the future. It's the best lacrosse product you can put out.

I could definitely hit the waypoints if given the controls of an F-18 fighter jet

I'm deathly terrified of doing this... [but] I do think that if they gave me the controls, I'd be able to at least like hit the waypoints and shit.

Vacations are for suckers and losers

Full stop. Fucking work hard. Hank vacation. Boy, you're soft bitch. All these vacations you're taking. I didn't even like doing it. I wanted to be working with the boys... vacations for suckers and losers.

Punxsutawney Phil is a fraud and a 'wannabe Greta Thunberg'

My big fire fest is really for America... because you guys are letting a groundhog ruin your day today. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow... be a fucking man... I'm going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me the sky is falling.

I would beat the fuck out of Darren Rovell in a fight, make him cry, and force him to delete his Twitter.

I wanted to wipe [Darren Rovell] off the internet. He'd have to delete his Twitter if I beat him. I would beat the fuck out of Darren Rovell. I would smash his nose in. I would make him cry.

Surviving COVID-19 three times makes my body a dynasty against the virus

I'm a back-to-back two-time Covid survivor. I'm about to make it a dynasty. This would be my third covid survival in two years, which I believe puts my body in a dynasty against the Coronavirus.

Turnovers increase the likelihood of succeeding on a 4th down or 2-pt conversion via 'vibe' multipliers

Basically the percentage of converting a two point conversion or on fourth down basically gets increased depending on what type of turnover happens before that possession... after an interception, a fourth down conversion or a two point conversion increases by let's say 110%.

Eating 14 hot dogs in 12 hours is not a lot of food

When you say 14 hot dogs in 12 hours isn't that much. It's not. That's a fat ass statement. Not that you're a fat ass, but... it's really just dealing with Stu Feiner all the time.

I can survive for three weeks on the streets as a stray dog

How long do you think you could survive on the streets? Like a stray? Three weeks. I'm a warrior. I survived out there.

New York is a bad sports town because Yankees fans celebrate team records too much

This is embarrassing that [Yankees fans] are celebrating this hard when they just went down from four to three in the bottom of the ninth. Are the Yankees a bad sports town? Yes... I just don't get all the hoopla around it... Whatever, it's a team record. He's going for a team record.

Seahawks fans deserved to lose the SuperSonics

The Seahawks take, which was correct... I think what people got really mad about is when you said like you deserve to lose the Sonics. Yeah. That Joe sports... because the Sonics like just straight up, they left, they fucked over the city of Seattle.

Andrew Luck was a 'busted chaw' and is an overrated quarterback

Andrew Luck: busted chaw, bad for town. Okay? Fact. Game over and debate. I've had people fucking bitching and complaining... 'Andrew Luck was great?' Every time they make excuses for him, it disgusts me.

The new lacrosse movie will be as impactful for the sport as Drive to Survive was for F1

The sport was honestly amazing. It was like, I think that it's going to be as huge for lacrosse as DRS [Drive to Survive] is revive was for F1. It was an amazing feature.

The Warriors are dead

My fire Fest is obviously a, the warriors is dead. I truly believe that.

Chris Paul might not care as much about winning as his die-hard fans do

I've been seeing this guy [Chris Paul] and it's, I mean, this is long-term and you know, like in every relationship there's always somebody, the relationship seems to matter a lot more to... It's getting to the point where like, I don't want to say, like, I'm not, I'm not trying to be a victim in this, but like, you can care about somebody for so long. And then you wonder, I don't think this person could care as much as I do.

Small dogs like poodles and Australian Shepherds are terrible domestic house dogs

Little dogs are the worst. All these people, they get these little Australian Shepherds that are not good domestic dogs. They are shepherds. And then they get poodles too and different little poodle mixes and they're hunting dogs and they have them running around as though they're like supposed to be nice house dogs, but they are literal hunting dogs.

John Sterling's botched home run calls are so bad he should consider retiring

Stanton hit a bomb, but not deep enough... 'high, far, gone, but caught' is what the call was. Hilarious. Like just a funny clip on the other end. Yankee fans... not exactly the clip you would put on a hypothetical resume. Right? Some people saying he needs to hang them up... His eyes are shot.

Soccer is a joke because games are decided by penalty kicks with lasers in players' faces

I said that soccer is a joke. Like the fact that, you know, your spot at the world cup is determined by a fucking penalty kick with laser beams getting shot in your face is a joke.

Duncan Robinson is a 'pussy' for not getting involved in the Heat bench fight

Friend of the program, Duncan Robinson, when the Miami Heat were all fighting each other, he like backed off and didn't do anything kind of like a little bit of a pussy... I think like when there's a fight going on, you should probably in some way [help].

The ACC is rigged and the referees are bullshit

Also, my Fyre Fest is the ACC refs are fucking bullshit. ACC's rigged. I'm going to get an investigation. What they did to Louisville on Tuesday night will not stand. So I stand with Louisville and all the people who are angry about that game.

Microwaves are the best invention of all time and better than air fryers

When did we just start disrespecting the mighty microwave? The microwave is the best invention, maybe of all time. You put something in there, it gets so hot... It boils water in 15 seconds and everybody's just sleeping on it... microwaves are coded. They are all right.

My brand of motivation is essentially Gary V with a brain injury.

If we made like an Instagram page of quotes... like a your entire quote page that makes you a true scumbag in life. Yeah. Like the opposite of the success win guys. If you think like Gary V with a brain injury.

I want my mind to get duller as I get older, rather than sharper

I never want to do anything that sharpens my mind. I want it to get duller and duller as days go by... Gary V being like learn something new every day. No, come on. I'm just trying to just get up, wake up and then go to sleep.