PFT Commenter

The NFL is to blame for security guards masturbating because they put hot cheerleaders on the sidelines

Why do they put the cheerleaders at NFL games if we're not allowed to masturbate to them in the stadium?... It is the NFL's fault because they kind of asked for it. You don't put hot women on the sidelines and expect us not to masturbate. A bunch of alpha males just walking around.

Matt Moore is the truth

I think Matt Moore is the truth. Did you see him? He was having so much fun out there.

NFL coach, beat reporter, and super fan trades should be more common

I love any non-athlete trade, and there needs to be more of them. ... I think it should be expanded to beat reporters. ... I want to see super fans getting traded.

Numbers and analytics are ruining sports

Numbers ruin sports. You made us all robots. Sports was great when it was just men grunting at each other, and there was no number for how much pain you're playing through.

Jeff Fisher will become a VP of Football Operations for the Chargers

I think we called it he's going to be vice president of football operations somewhere. ... For maybe when the Chargers move. ... The Chargers fire McCoy.

Neil deGrasse Tyson's only job is to tweet nerd shit

By the way, you know what Neil's job is? Just to tweet nerd shit. To just look at stars, right? His job is to stand inside a planetarium with a laser pointer.

Rex Ryan will get another head coaching job, possibly in Jacksonville or LA

I think that he's going to get another head coaching job. I think he could go to Jacksonville. Oh, can you imagine Rex in L.A.? Rex on the beach with all those bare feet?

The NCAA is struggling so much that they cannot even afford to pay their labor costs

If you paid attention last week, they announced that I think four bowl games this year didn't have a sponsor. So thoughts and prayers to the NCAA. I don't know how they're going to make any money with all their labor costs being what they are.

Everyone should bet the over on the 2016 Boca Raton Bowl

Also, let's all bet the over for fun. Just together... Yeah, we're going to hammer the over. Hammer it. Big time.

LeBron James is taking money out of kids' pockets by resting for games

It's honestly a little bit disgusting on LeBron's part to take a day off... He's taking money out of kids' pockets. He is.

The Buccaneers might actually be the best team in the NFC South

Are we sure the Bucs are also good? [PFT Commenter]: We're not sure that the Bucs aren't the best team in the NFC South. And then you've got to look at the Falcons.

I accurately predicted Jeff Fisher would get fired during the second week of December

I swear to God, after Sunday night's show... I said, Jeff Fisher's going to get fired this week.

The Washington Capitals will definitely win the Stanley Cup this season

This is definitely the capital season to win the Stanley Cup... No, this is the one. This is the one. This is the one.

Jim Rome is a treasure who has done more for the human race than almost anyone else in media

I think Jim Rome is a treasure. I think that he has done more for the human race than just about anybody outside of Bristol, Connecticut.

The worse Bill Belichick looks, the better the Patriots play

The more I actually review these outfits, it's just the worse he looks, the better they play. It actually makes sense. He's the opposite of look good, play good.

Cats are soul-stealing witches that shouldn't be allowed around babies

This furthers my theory that cats are witches... it is true that cats, when you sneeze, they steal your soul... and they steal baby's breath, too, if you leave a cat in a room with a kid.

Every child born in 2016 is inherently evil

Since 2016 sucks, the futures market for kids is way down right now, because every kid born this year is evil. That's how horoscopes work, by the way.

Jay Mariotti is just a troll looking for attention

It's called a troll that's looking for attention. And I absolutely played right into what he wanted.

Jeff Fisher couldn't even succeed at losing, which is the most losing thing of all

In my opinion, if you're going to do something, be the best at it. He couldn't even succeed at losing, which is really the most losing thing of all.

Carson Palmer's NFL career is dead

[Psychic Laura says 'Palmer'] Carson Palmer's career is dead. That actually makes a lot of sense. I barely even know.

The ban on rookie hazing is killing masculinity in this country

Well, I see where Major League Baseball is coming from, but the fact that they're not letting guys dress up like girls is killing masculinity in this country. It's just sick.

Name your kid 'Coach' so they are respected by peers and have job security

Name your kid coach. Why not just give your son, our daughter, the name coach? That way they're respected by all their peers. If they're playing sports growing up, you're taught to respect your coach, and you also are immune to being fired unless you really, really, really suck at your job.

Derek Carr, Russell Wilson, and Dak Prescott are all 'Cali boys' who cannot handle the cold

I'm keeping a list right now of guys that can't handle the cold because we need to update this as we get into the playoffs. [Derek Carr], [Russell Wilson], and now we've got Dak. You know, they're all Cali boys pretty much.

The punter 'hype bubble' will crash within two weeks

I feel like with those three guys [Hecker, McAfee, King], we're entering a punt bubble. It's unsustainable. Punters can't continue to be cool for the next three weeks. There's got to be a crash in there somewhere. So I'm predicting a punter's going to look really uncool... I'm going to go way out on a limb and say that a punter's going to do something dorky in the next couple weeks.

The Detroit Lions are in trouble because Matthew Stafford's finger injury is a season-killer

The Lions are back because something really good happened to them today, and they're in the catbird seat of the NFC North. But then in a win, they also got really bad news as Matthew Stafford dislocated his middle finger on his throwing hand and severed a bunch of ligaments. So they're kind of fucked.

Mike Zimmer definitely has his play card written on the inside of his eye patch

I thought that [Mike Zimmer] had his play card written on the inside, like crib notes on the inside of his eyepatch. That was probably a really efficient move on his part.

Ben McAdoo is an aspirational, try-hard football guy rather than a real one

I still continue to say [Ben McAdoo] is not a football guy. He's a football guy in disguise. He's trying to be. He's an aspirational football—he's a try-hard football guy. Football guys don't even know that they're trying to be football guys. He knows.

Ryan Tannehill's ACL injury is a 'good thing' because it secures his job for two more years

I'm going to go with actually this is a good thing for him because that means that Tannehill gets another year. You can't judge him at the end of next year because it takes two years to come back from an ACL. And then the year after next, Tannehill is going to take that next step.

Tim Duncan's massive back tattoo is a viral marketing stunt

To me, this screams viral marketing stunt... I would expect him to get such a lame back tattoo. But this is what happens when people retire from things. They end up falling into the first viral trap that their PR person brings in... We're going to get a big back tattoo that's fake. And then a week from now, you'll come out and be like... my tattoo artist has my back. You know who's got your back? It's Fidelity.

Lamar Jackson should write a Players' Tribune article announcing he is 'returning' to college (even though he has to)

Write an article for Players' Tribune saying that you're coming back to college. And say, 'hey, after talking it over with my family, doing a lot of prayer... I've decided that the right move for me at this time is to return to Louisville.' Because [he's] not eligible for the NFL.

Derek Carr is a soft Cali boy who chokes in the cold

Derek Carr, not [a cold-weather quarterback]. No, in fact, he's a cold-weather choker. He played, what, at Fresno State? Cali boy. Soft. Can't trust the soft Cali boys.

Alex Smith is better in the cold because it makes every quarterback equally shitty

Alex Smith, he's better in the cold. Well, I don't want to say he's better in the cold. It's like he's kind of shitty just in general. But when it gets cold outside, it's the great equalizer because everyone's shit.

The NFL should trade coaches between the best and worst teams every year

I'd like to see at the end of every season the worst team trade coaches with the best team and see what happens the next year. Just a quick quirky little rule change.

Heisman winners should be eligible for the NFL Draft regardless of age

Whoever wins the Heisman should be eligible for the draft no matter what. If they're a freshman, it's your golden ticket.

You should never do water bottle flips at Madison Square Garden because it is the Mecca

First of all, I just want to jump in and say this is not behavior you do at the Garden. No. Respect the Garden. You can do this at any other stadium, but you don't do that at MSG. Mecca of basketball.

RG3 will dislocate his pelvis on Sunday

I'm going to go injured. I think he dislocates the pelvis. It's the big one. It's like the San Andreas quake. A lot of tremors the last few years.

The only way to get a minor celebrity to show up to your event is to give them an award

Here's a free trick. If you ever want a minor celebrity to show up at something that you're doing, just give them an award. And be like, hey, we're giving you an award.

Bill Belichick will draft Christian McCaffrey next year

It's reached a point where I'm going to go to Vegas and put $100 on Belichick drafting Christian McCaffrey next year. And it's going to be the easiest money that I ever made.

Bill Belichick signs white receivers just to confuse Chris Collinsworth

I think that he just signs white receivers and running backs just to confuse Chris Collinsworth. So the announcers have to take another 15 seconds after they get a first down or touchdown to just make sure that they get the guy's name right.

The only socially acceptable times for men to cry are at the end of Hoosiers or with a hated coworker to save your job

The only times where it's socially acceptable to cry is at the end of Hoosiers. ... And then with somebody that you hate at work when you're both trying to save your jobs.

Jeff Bezos is using Alexa to listen to every conversation in your house

Stay woke on this. Jeff Bezos just told everybody that he's listening to every conversation that you have in your house and keeping track of it.

Bryce Harper will eventually sign with the New York Yankees

Bryce Harper is going to look great in pinstripes. ... If you look back over the course of history, this is the biggest prediction that everybody will get right.

The first two weeks of bowl season are usually when I make my money in gambling

This is usually the time of year that I do really well in gambling, actually. First two weeks of bowl season. That's when you make your money.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will spend the next ten years as a premier NFL backup

He's got another 10 years in this league as a backup. ... You get your name out there as a starter for four games. Little film. All of a sudden... You're one of the premier backups in the league.

Society needs to invent dual-temperature comfort zones for living rooms and beds

How has human society not reached the point where we have like dual comfort zones for living rooms? We have them in cars. Would it kill you to put one like in a bed? Like have one side of the bed set to a certain temperature, the other at a different?

Pat Maroon is correct that the NHL is a 'man's game' because the league is currently 100% men

Well, technically, the NHL is 100% dudes, right? It's a major sausage fest. Sounds like [Pat Maroon] is right.

Jeff Fisher is lowering the unemployment rate by cutting so many players and creating new jobs for others

Since he's been such a bad coach, he's had to cut a lot of players, which means he's created new jobs for other players. So really, he's out there. He's lowering the unemployment rate.

The Golden State Warriors will eventually hit a low point once the Kevin Durant honeymoon phase ends

They're going to hit their low point. Just wait. Kevin Durant's lurking. Baby back bitch.

News broadcasts should stop reporting on crimes to discourage copycats, similar to how the NFL stops showing streakers

The news should stop showing all the bad stuff that happens so it's work for me they should follow the NFL's lead once again Roger Goodell is a thought leader trying to improve society so hey news big news producers out there maybe stop leading with mass murders cut away from them and have Gruden just talk that's right and then and then there won't be any more murders

The Browns are a dark horse for the College Football Playoff

I think the Browns are a dark horse, too. They can make some noise.