PFT Commenter

The popcorn debate will be featured on Mike and Mike within two weeks

I'm going to call my shot. The popcorn debate is going to be featured on Mike and Mike within the next two weeks. Anytime you can introduce a bracket, it's going to do wonders for water cooler talk.

Penn State will win the Big Ten Championship game

I like Penn State. I know you didn't ask me, but I'm going to go on the record and say Penn State, and then nothing else changes in the Final Four.

Jeff Fisher's next job should be Supreme Court Justice or the Pope

We're trying to figure out a fun game to play is what's Jeff Fisher's next job. How can he up this one? The first one is Supreme Court Justice. He basically is a Supreme Court Justice right now... He could be the Pope. Pope Fisher? Yes, Pope Fisher.

Ezekiel Elliott is eating cereal, not soup, in his 'feed me' celebration

I saw somebody say, look at Ezekiel Elliott eating that cereal... he does his little soup celebration every time he gets some yards. I thought it's soup. Nope. It's cereal.

Steve Kerr is directly financing terror by admitting to using marijuana

By buying that marijuana... Steve Kerr is directly financing terror. So I don't know if there's a case to be like a Rico thing they could investigate, the Warriors, but it's not a good look.

Announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive ratings

I think that announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive up ratings. Because there's one thing that you can't draw when you're doing a telestrator and that's a dick. And they do it every time. Every single time it's a dick.

Tiger Woods intentionally shot over par because a 69 would have triggered his sex addiction

Tiger, as we know, is a sex addict, and we all have triggers when it comes to things. He cannot go out there and shoot a 69. He knew that. He knew that would be a trigger for him. [He would march] right back into a Hooters. It took a lot of mental strength for him to not fall into that trap.

Tiger Woods took a Monster Energy sponsorship because he wants to turn into a 'JV' version of himself

I'd like to see Tiger turn into Cabrera, the guy that smokes on the golf course. I'd like to see Tiger just embrace the new weird, washed up, second rate C plus JV Tiger and just start smoking.

The NFL should have logo-branded eyepatches for coaches like Mike Zimmer

If it was Jack [Del Rio] or if it was like Bruce Arians, Pete Carroll... They would have their team logo put on the eyepatch. Rex Ryan would for sure.

Sam Bradford is officially worth the two draft picks the Vikings traded for him

[Sam Bradford] is probably worth the two picks now, right? Yeah. I think so. Good call. You nailed that one.

Vegas is going to make a huge profit in Week 13 at the expense of home underdogs

This is the week that Vegas really sticks it to people. And I think that it's going to come at the expense of a lot of home dogs.

You shouldn't bet your life savings on any single game this weekend; spread it out

I don't feel comfortable betting all my life savings on one game, I would spread it out.

Attempting to keep Mike Zimmer's blood pressure low is an impossible task

Trying to keep Mike Zimmer's blood pressure low is like Sisyphus pushing that rock up a hill. Because that is a task that it's impossible. The second it lowers, it's going to spike back up again. He can't do it.

The MLB ban on chewing tobacco is an infringement on a player's right to get cancer

I think it's offensive to me. You should have the right to get cancer if you want it. And you're stealing that right from baseball players.

Every person who hasn't chewed tobacco has eventually died

Every person that hasn't chewed tobacco has died in history. A little sabermetrics word. Or will die. Just written facts, dude.

The Patriots will be fine without Rob Gronkowski because Martellus Bennett is a very talented tight end

The good news for the Patriots is they do have [Martellus] Bennett, right? And Bennett is a really good tight end. The Patriots, yeah, they'll take a step back, but it's not the end of the world.

Richie Incognito is the kind of guy you want on your side when the chips are down

He is that dude that you want on your side when the chips are down. Yeah. He's that dude. He really is.

A visible semen stain on your pants is proof that you are in your sexual prime

It means, it's a confirmation that you're sexually, that you're in your sexual prime... Girls, they're biologically tuned to seek out guys that look fertile. What better proof is there than just having your boys dripping out of your fly?

The Cowboys do not have an intimidating fan base.

I've been to a few Cowboys games. That's not a very intimidating fan base.

RGIII is the most gullible person in sports and is the sucker in every room.

RGIII, I mean, he's basically just the sucker in every room. If you're in a room with RGIII, you're good. You're not the sucker... He would play three-card monte until the sun went down. He'd be Instagramming and laughing every time he lost.

Voters are more likely to support political change when their local NFL team is losing

When your football team is good, you're more likely to vote for an incumbent. And when your football team's bad, you're more likely to vote for a new guy. The Jaguars and Dolphins sucked up until Election Day. Wisconsin voted Trump. Steelers sucked at the start of the year, Pennsylvania voted Trump. Carolina Panthers suck, North Carolina voted for Trump too.

The Rams will announce an extension for Jeff Fisher immediately following their next win

Right now, after the Rams' next win, they're going to announce the extension. He's getting out in front of the story right now, laying a nice mattress down so that nobody's shocked. Next win of the Rams, they're going to use that as the premise to announce an extension.

The NFL should award one point for a kickoff that goes through the uprights

John Harbaugh wants to make the kickoff worth one point if his kicker can kick it through the uprights. I like this rule though. We need more kickers. I've been saying for years that if you hit the upright, it should be worth extra.

The Super Bowl will feature some combination of the Patriots, Cowboys, or Seahawks

And it sucks to say this, but it's going to be the Patriots and the Cowboys or the Seahawks. Slash Seahawks, yeah. So some combination of that, that's where we're going to be in Houston.

The punt safety is the best play in football

I love the punch [punt] safety, by the way. Love it. The punch safety is probably my favorite play in football. And Harbaugh used it.

The yellow first down line on TV is not an official line

People forget that the yellow line on the field isn't official. So people actually forgot that this weekend in the Ohio State-Michigan game. What? Great game by the refs forgot it as a matter of fact so they just said oh it looks like across the yellow line first down first down

Roger Goodell's failure to suspend Aaron Hernandez is encouraging other players to mimic him

Players are starting to do the Aaron Hernandez crack the safe money toss touchdown celebration. I have. So stay woke. Roger Goodell in his negligence and failing to suspend Aaron Hernandez despite being convicted of murder... he's emboldened the players to mimic Aaron Hernandez. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some more murders.

The 2016 Detroit Lions are a 'Haley's Comet' team that will likely get their asses kicked on Thanksgiving

Detroit, they're actually leading their division, and they're playing on Thanksgiving. I'm so used to watching shitty Lions teams. This is like Haley's Comet. It happens once every 75 years where you have a good Detroit team playing. You know what that means, though. They're going to get their asses kicked off.

I'm taking the Steelers to beat the Colts on Thanksgiving

I got the Vikings, I got the R-words, and I have the Steelers.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is the most overrated thing in the world

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is the most overrated thing in the entire world. Even more overrated than the show Friends. It is the worst. I hate it.

If the NCAA vacates Notre Dame's wins, they should also vacate Brian Kelly's history of killing a kid

If they vacated all these wins, then Brian Kelly never killed that kid. Goes both ways, right? If you're going to take away the good stuff, you've got to take away the bad stuff. Just be consistent.

I officially called the Browns being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs back in August

I actually broke that news back in August. The second they announced RG3 as their starting quarterback... I said, okay, they've just clinched last place in the AFC. They've clinched the first draft pick, and they're mathematically eliminated right now.

Dak Prescott picking up his Gatorade cup proves he is a classy young man

How about Dak Prescott showing his leadership by picking up the cup of Gatorade that he tried to throw away? It's just a class act, a precocious, classy young man.

Ben McAdoo is a watered-down fraud trying too hard to sound like a real football guy

Ben McAdoo seems like he's trying real hard as a first-year head coach to be a football guy. I think he's overextending himself a little bit. He sounds like a fraud. He's like a watered-down football guy. If this was like Coughlin doing this, then I would absolutely accept this is a football guy.

Bill Belichick 100% pays attention to metrics but acts like he doesn't for his brand

He absolutely pays attention to metrics. 100% he does, but he acts like he doesn't. So he's playing a double mind game... he's like I'm going to make them think that I'm even more of a football guy than I really am when behind the scenes I've got my spreadsheets set out.

It is a breath of fresh air for a Penn State coach like James Franklin to keep things in-house

I think it's a good breath of fresh air for a Penn State coach to keep things in-house. What happens in the locker room stays in the locker room. You don't need to be bringing that home.

Kickers are the most psychologically weak people in the world

The problem is we put the most psychologically weak people in a place to do it. Kickers are the most psychologically weak. So we need to put people with stronger minds to become kickers.

The NFL is encouraging missed kicks to create '69' scorelines for ratings

I also think tying into it, what's more interesting? A game that's 17-10... Or if you casually glance at a scoreboard and see a 16-9 game? If I see 69 and I'm like, what kind of crazy hijinks was going on there? I'm going to tune in... it's going to make me more likely to watch.

NFL teams should just go for two every single time they score a touchdown

Is there any reason why teams shouldn't just go for two every time? No, not at all. Just go for two every time... isn't 50% of two greater than 97% of one?

Jacksonville cannot beat teams that are named after big cats

Jacksonville has lost seven straight games to teams that are named after big cats, just like the Jaguars. So it's one of those situations where Superman can beat anybody, but he can't beat Kryptonite because he's from Kryptonite.

A quarterback's win capacity is like eggs in a woman's body: once you use them, they're gone

Every quarterback has a set number of wins that's in their body by the time they hit the NFL. It's like eggs inside of a woman's [body]. You're born with that number, and then once you lose them all, then guess what? They're gone forever. So Rodgers won too many games too early.

White is the least racist color because it is actually a combination of every other color

White is actually the combination of every color out there. So it's actually really when you get down to it, it's the least racist color. We're not racist because we're every color. We love white.

Donald Trump saved football because Americans will care less about CTE science during his presidency

Under Trump, the country will care less about truth or facts. It'll be more raw and brutal. Football will be more of an outlet. We'll go back to liking our violent sports... So Trump saved football. He saved football. Already made America great again.

Robert Griffin III will lead the Browns to their first win and his free agent stock will soar

That would be the most Robert Griffin triumph of all time is if he led the Browns to their one win. And then, guess what? Stock goes way up in the free agent marketplace.

Start buying new clothes for the night before Thanksgiving because it's the biggest bar night of the year

My stardom is getting a haircut and buying exactly one new pair of jeans and a sweater because next Wednesday night, biggest bar night of the year, you're going to see all your old high school friends. Got to be looking fresh.

The Raiders will beat the Texans in Mexico City as the 'Don Julio Shot of the Week'

And then the Raiders in Mexico City. Hey, what do you say we make that our shot of the week? Don Julio, Mexico tequila. O-Cart Julio. O-Culio. O-Culio shot of the week. Darkheart shot of the week.

Being a father makes LeBron James' workload effectively 72-hour days

LeBron's a father. He's got three kids. Being a father is a 24-hour-a-day job. So really, LeBron James works, what, 72-hour days? He works every, yeah. Doesn't get paid for it? Yep. So I can understand why that would take a little bit out of you.

The website Fantex, which sold stock in athletes, is a total scam

I went to Fantex.com. You'll remember Fantex is the company that allowed you to buy stock in professional athletes. Totally reputable company where you could pay like $10,000 to get like half a percentage of half a percentage of Arian Foster's future earnings. Not a Ponzi scheme. Not a Ponzi scheme at all. Totally legit, above board, and their website's not working.

The Steelers are on the Hot Seat because they are no longer playing 'Steelers football'

My hot seat is Steelers football. Pittsburgh is not playing Steelers football. They're not winning. They're not playing defense... they're not running the ball, they're 25th in the league in running. Pittsburgh needs to get back to running the ball and stopping the run.

Buy New Balance stock now and sell it right before New Year's

I'm going to disagree with you. I think now's the time to buy stock in New Balance because, like we said, the people who are buying New Balance right now aren't going to know that it's racist for a while. So they're going to keep buying, okay? And meanwhile, the neo-Nazis probably weren't buying New Balance already. Now there's going to be a run on New Balance. So it's a short play. You buy New Balance, and then you dump it right before New Year's.