PFT Commenter

LeBron's leadership and teammates calling Tristan Thompson 'Tris Kardashian' caused his breakup with Khloe

LeBron's leadership... people on the team were calling him Tris Kardashian, and you can't have that sort of fraction in the locker room. [LeBron's] crime syndicate is to blame for this.

Sweating is just your skin having an orgasm

My first take is saying sweating is making your skin cum. So that was funny when I wrote it down at the time.

The show should add a new segment where I play the singer of AC/DC in between segments

My third [idea] is that we should do a new segment... where it's just the singer of AC/DC in between songs... how he acts on stage. Oh, so like every time we switch a segment i'll be like how many of you out there like a rock and roll music can i hear all you yell yeah yeah.

The Houston Texans might actually be better without J.J. Watt

And we're all have to wonder, are the Texans better without J.J. Watt?

The great uniter in America is watching Tony Romo look miserable

America can always get behind watching Tony Romo look miserable. That is the great uniter here in America. And we're used to seeing it after he throws a fourth quarter interception... This time it was when they were winning and he was trying to put on that happy face. And it turns out that Tony Romo putting on a happy face is actually the saddest thing you've ever seen.

We need to bring back the BCS because computers don't have chaos

Computer's fault for ranking these teams too high. We need the BCS back. Is there a bug in the system? You know when there was never chaos? Russians are hacking the BCS system. Never had chaos. I know I agree. Forget that, let's bring it all back.

Home PAs should trick Russell Wilson by pretending to be the voice of God

Russell Wilson is the kind of guy that you could imagine a PA guy getting on the mic and going, 'Russell, this is God. I need you to throw an interception.' And Russell Wilson would at least consider that might be God... He thinks God talks to him. There are ways that you can exploit that.

The Detroit Lions officially beat the bye week after everyone else in the NFC North lost.

The lions beat the bye week because every team lost except the lions. That's right. So that snaps their 30-year consecutive losing streak against the bye week.

Gladiator fights to the death would draw huge ratings

If there were to be actual gladiator fights on television... I'd watch. I think it would draw huge ratings. Like, yeah, fight to the death. Someone's got to die. Someone's got to die... Someone's got to die within 10 minutes. Or else they both die.

Magic Johnson is healthier than LeBron James because he conquered AIDS

I would make the case Magic Johnson might be a little bit more healthy [than LeBron]. Like the guys, he's conquered AIDS. 25 years. But I guess they didn't factor AIDS into this equation. But still.

A unified hatred of being a Browns fan is the only thing that can pull the nation together

The most healing thing might be to sit down and all watch the Browns because we're all experiencing relief that at least we're not Browns fans. That is the one thing that can pull our nation together, our unified hatred of potentially being a Browns fan.

Barack Obama would be an electric Sunday Night Football announcer

I think he [Obama] would make a good Sunday night football announcer. You team him up with Peyton Manning. I think he'd be electric in the booth.

Nick Saban views every election as a threat to his recruiting

Saban's a smart guy... Saban knows that he has to recruit Republicans from Republican and Democratic families. So he sees every election as a threat to his recruiting.

Tim Tebow only quit football because of the NFL's crackdown on Adderall

So the NFL starts suspending players for taking Adderall, and Tim Tebow quits football entirely to go to baseball. I think he's just on Adderall all the time... we think Tim Tebow's thing is he is just straight up on copious amounts of Adderall all the time. Because he keeps changing. I'm going to be a football player... then I'm going to be on ESPN... then I'm going to play baseball.

The Jaguars will have a bounce-back week and beat the Texans

I'm going with the Jaguars, too. I think this is their bounce back week. They're at home. I'm going to be jagging off hard on Sunday.

Collecting football cards is a legitimate hobby, but playing Magic: The Gathering makes you a nerd

I also want to give a shout out to everybody out there that knows that a real hobby isn't playing cards. It's collecting football cards. So if you have a $20,000 football card, you're not a nerd. But if you have a Magic: The Gathering set, you are one.

Owners of sports teams have a 66% election success rate in the new millennium

66% of the time in the new millennium, we've elected owners of sports teams. People forget that George Bush owned part of the Texas Rangers.

Hillary Clinton is the Dan Marino of politics because she lacks the clutch gene

I think we need to start talking to Hillary Clinton in the light of does she have the clutch gene because she's big time loser she's taken a couple big l's on a national stage recently yeah um does she lack it she's the Dan Marino of politics that's a great great analogy

Sylvester Stallone will run for president in 2020

I'm going with Sly. I'm going Sylvester Stallone. I think this country started down a path of celebrities. That path started with Schwarzenegger a long time ago. Jesse Ventura was the original. I think the next step is Sly.

NFL officials have a sweet system where poor performance leads to more pay and training

My cool throne is NFL officials, and the reason why is because everybody's complaining about them, and the NFL officials have such a sweet system set up that the answer to poor NFL officiating is to make them full-time employees. So everyone's saying, hey, what are these guys doing out here just being part-time? Let's pay them more.

Jay Mariotti will be the White House Press Secretary for Donald Trump

Jay Mariotti is going to be White House press secretary, and he's going to make sure that only respectable journalists get a seat in that crowd. It all makes sense to me. He was playing the long game.

NFL coaches wearing windbreakers with flags during Salute to Service month is 'stolen valor.'

I like the windbreakers that the coaches are wearing on the sidelines. They have their name and the American flag on it. It's basically a military uniform that they're wearing. So you could consider it to be stolen valor.

I am celebrating 'Pubesimber' instead of Movember because I can't grow good facial hair.

It's a rough month for me and guys like me that are faceballed that don't have the genetic blessings to be able to grow good facial hair. So since you guys are out there celebrating Movember, I actually celebrate Pubesimber... grow out the winter coat.

A team of all-star white guys would beat an all-star team of black guys because of 'grit' and 'taking charges.'

Who do you guys think would win, a team of all-star white guys or black guys?... Like I said, a lot of grit on our side. Miles and miles of heart. You guys could just take charges every possession.

If Jimmy Butler wins NBA MVP, I will undergo a sex change and become 'Marlins Woman'.

If Jimmy Butler does somehow win an MVP, PFT is going to get a sex change. [PFT]: I'm going to become Marlins woman, officially, yeah. That's how confident I am that this will never happen.

Steve Bartman should decide when he returns to the spotlight, not the media.

The media has a weird fascination with getting Steve Bartman back involved with the Cubs now. It's so stupid... Steve Bartman gets to decide if he wants to come back, not the other way around.

PFT Commenter effectively built a hospital by giving Kyle Rudolph the nickname 'Big Country.'

They printed up a bunch of t-shirts... and they're using the concept to raise money for the Kyle Rudolph's End Zone campaign, an effort to build a state-of-the-heart... space at Masonic Children's Hospital. So Ipso facto, I kind of built a hospital.

The Cubs must name Jason Heyward captain next season for his rain delay speech

Jason Heyward had the greatest pump-up speech. $184 million speech is what Theo [Epstein] paid for. A players-only meeting during a rain delay. That's what you give the guy the big bucks... you've got to make Jason Heyward captain.

The Titans will lose to the Chargers because they spent too much emotion on their Color Rush game

I don't like the Titans. They're coming off an emotional color rush game against the Jaguars, a rivalry match, so I think that there was a lot of emotion spent in that game that they're not going to be able to pull out.

I made a 'boatload' of money betting the over on the Cubs' total and the Cubs money line in Game 7

I made some coin on my bookie last night on the Cubs. Had the over on the Cubs total, and I had the Cubs winning outright money line. So I'm basically bathing in money right now.

Invented 'Baldinger's cat' — a quarterback is both elite and not elite at the same time, with Joe Flacco as the perfect example

I came up with a theory. It's known as Baldinger's cat. It's not Schrodinger, it's Baldinger's cat. It's when a quarterback is both elite and not elite at the same time. Joe Flacco — perfect example. Baldinger's cat.

Game 7 of the 2016 World Series was the most pressurized event in human history

Jason [Whitlock] was coming for the crown... He said, 'Game seven was the most pressurized event, perhaps, in human history.' So thoughts and prayers to the Civil War. D-Day. Maybe if Theo [Epstein] had been working for the South, we'd all be speaking Cajun right now.

The Marlins Man curse has officially moved to the city of Cleveland

The Marlins Man curse on the city of Cleveland just kicked in last night. He called his shot. He said, guess what? If the Indians lose, they are cursed. They're cursed because they were rude to me three years ago... and they don't have seats that you can see on television behind home plate.

Aroldis Chapman's ankle will be swollen and he will feel the injury in Game 7

Tomorrow it's going to swell. [Chapman] is going to feel it. He's probably, I don't know, maybe he's got some recovery water... but tomorrow it's going to swell. He's going to feel it.

The 2016 World Series is engineered for the Cubs to win in seven games

I think that this has all been engineered behind the scenes, and you're going to be the one that reaps all the rewards. So congratulations in advance on tonight's World Series champion, your 2016 Chicago Cubs.

Jeff Fisher will start Jared Goff in the next three to four weeks to avoid being fired

I'm going to call my shot. Within, I'm going to say, three or four weeks, depending on the record, I think Jeff Fisher is going to make the call. He's going to move Jared Goff up. And at that point, you can't fire a coach when he's developing a quarterback. So that's going to buy him two more years.

I will get a sex change if Jimmy Butler wins NBA MVP

I'll put this out. I will go ahead and I'll have a sex change if Jimmy Butler becomes the MVP. I will become Marlon's woman. Done.

NBA teams should replace high-paid stars with soldiers and teachers for 100% win rate

The Oklahoma City Thunder, instead of signing Steven Adams, they could have signed 446 teachers a year to play basketball for them... Can you imagine an NBA team that was just soldiers and teachers? Never lose.

Rugby sold out Soldier Field before lacrosse did

Rugby actually sold out Soldier Field before lacrosse did. So just a little check on your predictions.

The Raiders are officially back as the 'Bad Boy' team of the NFL

I have the Bad Boy Raiders are back. The team of the 70s. Silver and black... They set a record for most penalties in a game... Al Davis bad boys are in town.

LSU will lose to Alabama because Coach O is a 'simple coach' who can't handle a two-week bye

I think LSU's fucked this week. My sabermetrics is you can't give Coach O two weeks to do anything. Coach O has to have a game a week... You don't spend 14 days studying 2 plus 2 equals 4.

The Golden State Warriors would miss the playoffs if the season ended today (Oct 31, 2016)

If the season ended today, the Golden State Warriors would not be in the playoffs.

Making your bed in a hotel is psycho behavior

Nantz gave major props to Marcus Mariota for making his bed. He makes his bed even in the hotels. That's some psycho shit. Real psycho shit. Any other person who makes their bed that has never served in the armed forces is also probably a serial killer.

Coach O is a 'wild dandelion spore' with no relation to any coaching tree

I don't think that Coach O is a member of any tree. Coach O is a wild dandelion spore that just grows in the wild on his own. He has no relation to Pete Carroll.

It's not time to hit the panic button on the Warriors yet

I said that it was going to take some time for chemistry to develop. Only one ball between the whole team. So I'd say that it's not time to hit the panic button yet, but we're getting close.

Arian Foster retired because he is an atheist and quit football on a Monday

My hot seat is atheism... Arian Foster quit last night. He's an atheist. Straight up quit. People don't talk about him being an atheist, but he quit football. Nice of an atheist to give up on a Monday instead of giving up on Sundays for the change.

LeBron James is indestructible because he is using steroids

Well, if they somehow outlaw steroids in the next few months, LeBron... I mean, that's exactly what steroids would do, I think. When everyone's kind of out of gas and you have that extra gear... The hoop looks three times bigger when you're juicing.

The Golden State Warriors will stumble in December before turning it on after the All-Star break

I'm on the record. I think they're going to stumble out of the gate. They're going to have a hard December. And then they're going to turn it on after the All-Star break.

Jimmy Butler is not a top 20 player in the NBA

PFT has a hot take that Jimmy Butler is not a top 20 player in the NBA. [PFT]: No.

Brock Osweiler should donate $25,000 to charity for every interception he throws

My other piece of advice would be... He's got a lot of money. Start a charity where every time he throws an interception, he donates like $25,000 to a charity. And then people can't get mad at him for interceptions. Or else you're basically killing children.