PFT Commenter

The Cleveland Indians will win the World Series and celebrate at Wrigley Field

Man, how heartbreaking would that be if the Indians won in Wrigley Field, huh? And you guys had to watch him celebrate there? God, I hope that doesn't happen. No Cubs, no.

I'm pro-bandwagon; the more the merrier for the Chicago Cubs fan base

The more the merrier. Let them all on. As spokesperson for the Chicago Cubs, Big Cat has just opened up the bandwagon for everybody. Hop on.

The best way to treat a concussion is 'hair of the dog'—getting another minor brain injury to help you get back out there

It goes along my theory. It's kind of the hair of the dog theory. You know how if you're hungover, best thing you can do, have another drink when you wake up. If you get a concussion, best thing to do is give yourself another small minor brain injury to help you just get back out there.

Ryan Fitzpatrick's best PR move is having Geno Smith as his backup

I think he has the best PR 101 built in already, and his backup is Geno Smith. So the second they see the alternative, they're like, okay, Ryan, we forgive you for everything.

The 2016 WNBA season was destined to be Candace Parker's year

If you follow the WNBA, you knew this was Candace Parker's season. The Los Angeles Sparks are your WNBA champions.

The Cubs bats woke up because they started playing 'small ball' like Mike Scioscia

I think that the Cubs won because they finally listened to me and started playing some small ball. It's called foreplay, and Joe Maddon finally figured out you've got to get to first before you get to home plate. And instead of hitting home runs, they finally learned to build a rally with some bunts, some stolen bases. I call it socialism for Mike Scioscia.

There will definitely be a Game 7 in the Cubs-Dodgers NLCS

There's going to be game seven. That's all I'm saying. I want the Cubs to win. I'm on record, but there's going to be game seven.

Russell Wilson becoming a father will ruin the Seahawks' season

I feel like the pressure of becoming a new father might turn the Seahawks season around for the worse. [Russell Wilson] was firing off... firing on all cylinders.

Mixing together every color of paint will result in the color white.

If we got a bunch of paints of every color and we put it together... It'd probably come out as white. No, it'd be absolutely white.

Dez Bryant did not actually cut his finger making soup

I have a feeling he wasn't making soup. I have a feeling he cut his finger doing something else. Are we staying woke on this one? This seems a little sus, as Hank would say.

The sun is on the Hot Seat because its glare could cause the Bills to lose

Miami Dolphins to beat the Bills this weekend because she [USA Today podcast host's mom] doesn't think that the Bills are going to be able to handle the glare of the Miami sun. It's a fair point. Developing situation. Let's keep an eye on it... The sun is on the hot seat right now, so this could really be it.

JJ Watt is actually dead and has been replaced by a clone to cover up his social media absence.

I think J.J. Watt's dead... I think when he comes back, that's not J.J. Watt. That's going to be a clone that they've replaced him with. J.J. Watt... could not stay off social media for this long.

Joe Maddon belongs in the American League

Two things about Joe Maddon. Number one, he's obviously an American League manager... he clearly belongs in the AL.

Joe Maddon needs to get rid of his thick-framed glasses because players won't play hard for a nerd

Number two, I think it might be time to change the glasses. You can't... You've never seen a champion with thick frames like that before. It was cute at first, Joe. We get it. Get rid of the glasses, and then I think... Players won't play hard if their manager's a nerd.

Small ball wins in the playoffs

Cubs were a tremendous – they are a tremendous power-hitting team. Are they not? Small ball wins in the playoffs. Bunt, steal bases. Bunt, repeat. Contact, repent, repeat.

The Cleveland Indians can play with 'house money' for the next decade because they won a title in 2016

The [Indians] are in the championship series. So as far as Cleveland goes, the whole city could just go to shit even more for the next six to 12 years, and they're still playing with house money at this point. They've had as much success this year as they could expect to have for the next decade.

Bill Belichick will be fined or suspended for bashing the NFL's Microsoft Surface tablets

So could this be like another tablet? Could this be hashtag tablet gate to could Roger Goodell suspend Bill Belichick? I'm calling it right now. Belichick will be fined, possibly suspended.

The Falcons will finish the season with a record no better than 9-7

Matt Ryan, I think he's okay. I think he's a career okay guy. I think that he's going to find his level soon. Falcons are going to go no better than 9-7.

Jeff Fisher intentionally loses games once he gets above .500 because he is a try-hard for mediocrity

Jeff Fisher... He lost, but he's back at .500. So that's the classic Jeff Fisher. It just felt like such a try-hard move by him. And you know that the second he goes 3-1, he takes his foot off the pedal so hard. He's like, 'hey, guys, we need to get back to even here.'

Fat people messing up in sports is the funniest thing in the world

Counterpoint: Pablo Sandoval swinging, busting his belt open. That was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. Buffalo's definitely a judgment-free zone. It's like we're just having fun.

I want the Cubs to keep winning just to keep Big Cat in a state of 'happiness edging' without winning the World Series

I want the Cubs to keep winning. I don't want the Cubs to win the World Series, but it's not because I want to see you in pain. I like it when you're this happy. I just want it to keep extending and extending. But I just don't want to see you ever reach that goal. You need to edge for about nine more months until spring training.

Mike McCoy is the most generic-looking white dude who probably goes to Jimmy Buffett concerts

Mike McCoy is the most generic-ass looking white dude. He's a guy that your dad plays golf with... McCoy just looks like a guy that spends too much time in the sun and has eight Salt Life shirts and goes to a Jimmy Buffett concert every fall, and that's his one vacation for the kids.

'Big Fawcett' started the myth about washing apples to sell more water

I think this is where the whole myth of why you need to wash your apples got started... [poisoned candy myths]. I think this is where Big Fawcett really sunk their teeth into the situation, tried to convince people to wash them.

Ken Bone should immediately cash in and do a 'Prego porn' video

Ken is definitely going to get some propositions from a porn company to be like, hey... do you want to do some Prego porn? And you got to do it. Cash in. Just got to cash in.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook kind of deserved each other, and it's sad to see them separated

I think Westbrook and Durant kind of deserved each other. And I'm sad that they're going to be separated because those two together, it was great TV.

Wi-Fi and data signals will give us all weird diseases and cancer in 30 years

One thing I do know about Wi-Fi is that all of us are going to get really weird forms of diseases and cancer in about 30 years from just hanging out next to all this data just passing through our systems.

You don't actually have to pay campus parking tickets if you don't plan on graduating from that college

I know one thing about colleges and tickets on cars... You don't have to pay those tickets. It doesn't matter. If you don't plan on graduating from that college, you don't have to pay.

Even-year bullshit is dead now that the Giants have been eliminated

Welcome to Pardon My Take. It is Wednesday, October 12th. And even-year bullshit is dead... Let me tell you something about even-year bullshit. It's bullshit.

Arizona Green Tea is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

My power rank for, number one, Arizona, the Great Buy Green Tea. The 99 cent, the big tall boy.

Tonic water is straight garbage

The number one worst non-alcoholic drink. It's tonic water. Tonic water is straight garbage. If I see anybody drinking that in my presence, it makes me want to hurl.

Buccaneers GM Jason Licht is on the hot seat for drafting a kicker in the second round

I guess now my hot seat is going to be Jason Licht, the GM for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, for drafting a kicker in the second round. Kind of a tough move on his part.

Tim Tebow is causing seizures in order to 'save' people

Maybe Tim's got some metal in him... He's either causing the seizure... He's basically a human Pokemon. He is a Pokemon, and he's giving people seizures. He's causing the seizures and he's treating them, which is... a good position for business.

Every new iteration of Jesus is better than the last

Every time that Jesus shows up, he's better than his old Jesus. He makes his old Jesus look like a chump. Jesus 2 never hit a dinger. That's a facts only right in everyone's face.

The Phoenix Suns are going to suck during the 2016-17 season

I don't think they're going to be good this year. No, the Suns are going to suck this year. We're going to have to continually update this.

Ken Bone is a government plant to distract us from the election

I think that Ken Bone is either a plant for the Red Sweater Company... or he might be just a guy that's inserted in there to make us just stop freaking out about the election. I think that Ken Bone might actually be like a Jason Bourne type situation where he's an assassin.

The U.S. government should sell sponsorships for wars to pay for them

The U.S. should sell sponsorships for wars. The Iraq War, sponsored by the Susan Komen Foundation. Why not? I think it's a great idea. It pays for itself.

Sam Bradford will eventually suck and prove me right for criticizing the trade

I'll be right in the long term on that one. Okay. How about that? ... But what I will say is that one day Sam Bradford's going to suck, and then I will be sure to let you know about it then.

The NFL's ratings are down because players' backs aren't falling off enough

The NFL's ratings are down. Maybe it's because your players' backs aren't falling off enough.

Losing an election should result in an immediate prison sentence

That should actually be the rule in this country. If you lose the election, you should have to go to prison.

I'm picking the Red Sox in five because I haven't heard anyone from Cleveland sound confident about anything

I haven't heard anybody from Cleveland sound confident about anything. So I've got to go with [the Red Sox] because I haven't heard anybody from Cleveland sound confident... Red Sox in five.

Jim Harbaugh and Nick Saban are the same person because they are so committed to the process they don't know the score

I think [Harbaugh] and Saban are the same dude... they are so committed to the process. I would be shocked if Nick Saban knew what the score was in the middle of the game.

Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they were good

The University of Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they got good.

The Cubs will not win the World Series this year

Spoiler, the Cubs aren't going to win the World Series this year.

It is impossible that Dwight Howard doesn't know the names of the players on the Golden State Warriors

This comes to us from Dwight Howard, who said that he couldn't name the players on the Golden State Warriors. [Big Cat/PFT]: Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Okay, Dwight... I had no idea. I don't even care about other teams. Yeah.

The Red Sox regret getting rid of Terry Francona

Hank, do you think that the Red Sox are regretting getting rid of Terry Francona? No. I'm going to be the first to say that they are. That's definitely a conversation that needs to happen in America starting now.

Chip Kelly's current strategy is to suck for three years before getting fired with a massive payout

Chip Kelly, he's in phase one. He does the football producers everywhere he goes. Phase one is tank. Phase two is draft good players. Phase three is trade those good players away and then suck again. And then you get fired after three years and then you have a lot of money.

The Browns will cover the spread against the Patriots in Week 5

So I did not take the Cardinals. So you're a Larry Fitzgerald this week? I am a big-time Larry Fitzgerald. I'm swimming with the Fitzgerald. But you didn't take the Cardinals. I didn't take the Cardinals. So instead of that, I'm going to take the Browns against the Patriots. I'm going to have them covering.

The Patriots are idiots for betting on themselves against the Browns

I knew that everybody in America was going to be taking the Patriots, so that's why I went with the Browns. I wanted to take the Patriots, so I'll give you that. It's not because you're a Pats fan. It's because you're an idiot that you're betting on the Patriots.

A basketball team's quality is directly correlated to how many high fives they give

Earl Watson, the head coach... Earl the Pearl says that they're going to start tracking players' high fives... Naturally, the more high fives you give, the better you are.

The NFL is done and finished due to tanking ratings

I think the NFL might be done. So their ratings are just tanking... why am I even tuning in if I'm not seeing a person dressed up like a superhero?