PFT Commenter

The NFL should bring back O.J. Simpson to fix their ratings

Just let O.J. Simpson back in the league. If you let O.J. play at running back for one game and just get destroyed... In the past year, what have we learned? We don't give a shit as Americans what it is. If it's about O.J. Simpson and it's on TV, we will watch it. So bring O.J. back. Yes, let him run. Bring the juice back.

Sports teams should stop using bird-related nicknames

Can we just call it a day with all the fucking bird team nicknames? I think we've hit our limit. They're not intimidating. It's like somebody asked them for a name and they look up and see the Blue Jays, the Orioles. Just knock it off with the bird team names.

There was a second ball in the pile during the Browns-Redskins Duke Johnson fumble play

I would also like to say that I'm a truther. I think that there were two balls on the play. I think that there was a second ball that was in the pile that we don't see, and then Duke Johnson had the other one.

A soup and half-sandwich combo is a 'power move' lunch order

My first one is soup and a half sandwich combo. That's actually a power move. It's a really good lunch. Not enough people order it.

The 2016 creepy clown sightings are a viral marketing stunt for the movie 'It'

What's behind all of this is that Stephen King's movie It is coming out in a couple months. They're doing a remake of it. That's it then.

Europe is on the hot seat for being off its game across all sports

My hot seat, I've got the entire country of Europe. Europe has been off its game. They can't win at the Olympics. They can't win at the Ryder Cup. They lost England.

Germany is the Russell Westbrook of countries: talented, scary, and prone to freak-outs

Russell Westbrook is the Germany. Germany is the Russell Westbrook of players. Cyborg, super talented, kind of scary. Yeah, they just freak out every now and again. Then you have to do a rebuilding process. Dress weirdly.

Odell Beckham Jr. should quit football and play soccer because he's basically European

Thoughts and prayers to [Odell Beckham's] happiness... Maybe cheat, go cheat on football with soccer... You're basically European, dude. Hey, I know you like to not use one of your hands. I'll do you one better. Use none of them and go play soccer.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

ESPN First Take's ratings would improve if they made it an R-rated adult program

How can we solve First Take?... Or make it porn. People love porn. Just make it porn. Everybody's naked. First Take, porn... Replace them with Ron Jeremy, Peter North, and Madison Ivy.

Jesus only had twelve real followers and none of them were fake

Just want a PSA out there for everybody. Jesus only had 12 followers. None of them fake. No, they were all real.

Tennessee is a lucky team that will eventually run out of luck.

Tennessee has been the Les Miles team this year. Les was good for a really long time, but then he would have four or five games that he had no business winning, that he would luck into. And then, like, you get off to a hot start, and then your luck runs out, and when it runs out, it runs out hard. Real hard.

Wikipedia is officially back and is better than books.

Wikipedia is back in a big way. It ain't stupid. You had the head-to-head matchup, so nobody can possibly say that Wikipedia is stupid anymore. Wikipedia is back... I've always distrusted books, and now it just kind of backed me up.

Trevor Siemian was 'Wally Pipped' by Paxton Lynch.

Also, did Trevor Siemian just get Wally Pipped? Ooh. I think he did. He got Wally Pipped by Bill Paxton Lynch. Put him in a twister.

Jeff Fisher will lose his next two games because the Rams are in L.A.

Jeff Fisher is losing his next two games now that the Rams are in L.A. Hollywood Jeff is going to be reading the dailies. He's going to see his name and variety. And he's like 3-1, 3-1. I know another team from Golden State that was 3-1 not too long ago.

Coach Orgeron is a cult leader whose novelty will wear off because he is not smart enough to sustain success.

The thing with Coach O is he's basically a cult leader, right? He gets in, and he gets these kids really, really fired up because he's got a huge personality... But he's too dumb to be a good cult leader. So, like, the novelty of being in a cult and really enjoying your cult status, like, it's going to wear off pretty quickly.

Skyline Chili is a prank the city of Cincinnati pulled on the rest of the world.

What do you think about my theory that the city of Cincinnati basically was like, we're going to pull a prank on the rest of the world and tell them that when they come here, they've got to try the diarrhea chili?

The U.S. won the Ryder Cup because they wore hats and visors while the European team didn't.

Could not help but notice that pretty much nobody on the European team wore a hat or a visor. And the entire U.S. team... They were wearing hats, and the U.S. won... It's also probably my favorite part about golf, which is when they take their hats off... and you see the insane forehead tan.

England shouldn't be allowed to compete for Europe in the Ryder Cup after Brexit.

What a crock of shit that England's allowed to compete with Europe even though they Brexited. Give me a break. You can't have it both ways, man.

David Ortiz definitely used steroids in his final MLB season.

David Ortiz... obviously did steroids in his last year. It's not even a witch hunt, really. I'm rubber stamping it. Witch hunt confirmed. He hit .317. That's the third highest average he's ever had. Connect the dots, Hank. You can't get suspended for steroids if you retire.

Vince Scully's 'retirement' is the coward's way out for an announcer.

I'm glad that Vin Scully's done. I'm just sick of hearing about the farewell tour. It's like, dude, you're just an announcer. I want my announcers like Harry Caray and Jack Buck, they need to stick around to the bitter end. Get a little senile. Vince Scully, you took the coward's way out. What real announcer retires?

Next year will finally be the year Ryan Tannehill makes the leap

I think next year is the year that Ryan Tannehill is really going to make that leap. Yep. They need to give him a couple more extensions, really show they have faith in him, and then eventually he'll blossom.

Bobby Petrino will stay at Louisville for the long term because he is a man of faith

Love Petrino. I feel like Petrino's a good guy. He's got the whole faith of the program behind him. He's not going anywhere. Oh, man, after they go undefeated and they beat Houston too, Petrino's sticking around for the long term. He's not going to Texas or LSU next year.

You should only celebrate if you win a World Series, otherwise the game is just a chore.

Only celebrate when you win a World Series. Other than that, the game is a chore.

Tim Tebow is a viral marketing stunt hired by Jimmy Kimmel

I think Tim Tebow is just a viral ad. I think he's just a viral person. He's a Kimmel stunt. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel has hired Tim Tebow from the time Tim Tebow was in ninth grade just to do pranks.

Bet heavily against Butler because their bulldog mascot tore its ACL

Butler University's bulldog mascot... he tore his ACL. So he's only out for two weeks... so bet against Butler heavily.

A Mike Greenberg solo show would be a four-hour suicide note of unathletic stories

Can you just imagine four hours of Greeny? ... It actually just might be really depressing to have a guy just making fun of how unathletic he is for four hours. You need that Golic balance. ... Now it's just going to be one long suicide note. It's just going to be him being like, I was not good at sports in high school.

A sprain is worse than a break

Sprains worse than a break. People forget that.

My J.J. Watt shoes caused my broken foot and J.J. Watt's back injury

My big takeaway, and I'm just connecting dots here, I was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. J.J. Watt was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

J.J. Watt needs to wear a surgery cone so he doesn't re-injure himself working too hard

The bottom line is J.J. Watt needs a cone around his head like you give to a dog after surgery because he's so anxious to prove what a hard work he is. This is what it's all about. He rushed back from a back surgery so he could be like, oh, I'm a big, tough guy.

There should be a 'Walking Awareness Month' in the NFL

Why isn't there a walking awareness month in the NFL? Walking injures more people statistically. People die all the time walking in front of cars. Drunk walking. Yeah, but they die walking. There should be walking awareness month if Roger Goodell truly cares about his fans.

Drinking a Budweiser (Bud Heavy) bottle at a bar is a badass move

Budweiser. Bottle. It's actually America. That's just a badass move. If you see a guy drinking a Budweiser, you're like, okay, this guy fucks.

Penn State should have a fluid process for reevaluating Joe Paterno's wins based on current public sentiment

I think Penn State should just have a fluid process of always constantly reevaluating whether or not Joe Paterno's wins stand. So like as more evidence comes out, you can take his wins away. And then once you forget about all the bad stuff he did, you give him his wins back.

Greg Hardy strikes me more as a meth and PCP guy than a cocaine guy

[Greg Hardy] never struck me as a coke guy, to be honest. He struck me as a meth guy, a heavy, heavy meth guy. Maybe some angel dust? Yeah, PCP and meth.

The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine

I think if you're a Dallas Cowboy, you should be allowed to do cocaine. I think that's one of the rules. The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine.

Coach O would be an awesome cult leader

I don't know, but it sounds like Coach O would be an awesome cult leader.

Bryce Harper's thumb injury and Daniel Murphy's buttocks injury are definitely connected

Bryce Harper with a thumb injury and Daniel Murphy with a buttocks injury... got to connect those. I'm not a conspiracy guy. The butt goes in the thumb. There are a lot of dots out there. This seems like it's a nice fit.

I'm still holding out hope for the Jaguars to turn their season around

I don't want to say the Jaguars [are the worst team] because I'm still jagging off. I'm still holding out hope for the Jags to turn things around.

Sam Bradford will eventually trip over his own sleeves and dislocate his shoulder

[Sam Bradford] is going to trip over his sleeves at some point and dislocate his shoulder, and then that'll be all she wrote.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially 'back'

The U is back. Of Miami. Okay. The U is back. They have three huge wins against Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, and Appalachian State. So 3-0 to start the season. I think they're definitely back.

Racism is officially over because FIFA disbanded their task force

Racism's over. FIFA, they disbanded their racism task force ahead of the World Cup in Russia because they said the mission was completely fulfilled. So FIFA, of all people, ended racism.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback and Jacoby Brissett is better than him

Tom Brady, system quarterback. That's obvious right now. I have not seen Tom Brady—did you see how fast [Jacoby] Brissett was? That's a whole other dimension. I think he's a better quarterback than Tom Brady.

Terrelle Pryor is the Cleveland Browns' best quarterback option because everyone else will get injured

So they asked him if he was going to be willing to play quarterback because obviously if you're a Cleveland Browns quarterback, it's like being in the movie Final Destination. They've already lost two. They've got [Cody] Kessler. So Kessler is going to get hurt this weekend, too. And they said, Terrell, would you play? And he goes, I cut my finger off for the team.

The US should invade Canada for their hockey players

Just invade Canada already... I'm sick of America being nice. Where's that gotten us? We haven't won a Hockey World Cup ever... Just do it just for the sports. Or just be a really bad neighbor... Let's shade all of Canada and then we own it.

Mike McCarthy cycles play-calling duties annually just to avoid being held accountable for failure

Every year I feel like Mike McCarthy either gives up play calling or gets play calling back. If you move the play calling stick around, then nobody's really at fault.

Carson Wentz will look like a deflated Ben Roethlisberger in two years

Carson Wentz strikes me as the kind of guy that's going to get fat later, though... Two years from now, Carson Wentz is going to look like a slightly deflated and less aggressive Ben Roethlisberger.

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack is the ultimate football guy move

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack... That is the most football guy move of all time because there are like a million other things. I agree with Urban Meyer. Don't spend more time with your family. Don't maybe knock out fast food, but take it down from 2% to 1%.

It's a good sign when a football coach sleeps in the office because it shows they are working nonstop

I do love it when football coaches sleep in the office. It's the only job in America where I think if you just work nonstop at it, people assume that you're getting better at your job. But not the case for football coaches. They need to keep working. Not enough hours in the day.

Andy Reid is a mediocre coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Andy Reid is just kind of there all the time... He's not threatening. He's not going to win a Super Bowl, but he's going to make your team okay.

Seeing Jack Del Rio go for two will lead to a wave of unnecessary two-point conversions across the NFL

The NFL is a copycat league. A lot of people don't talk about that. But seeing Jack Del Rio go for it and seeing all the media coverage that he had... All the other football coaches out there are going to be like, I want that. I want the media to be talking about my nuts on Monday morning. And so you're going to see a lot of unnecessary two point conversions.