PFT Commenter

Theo Epstein needs to chill out for following people home to observe them while wearing a hat

Theo Epstein... said on a few nights when things felt bleak, Theo would wander the internet, linger on macabre things like air traffic controller recordings from plane crashes. He went on to say... 'I just like being anonymous so much that I would follow people home because they didn't know who I was and I could watch them... I could put on a hat and follow them.' Just chill out, man.

NFL Media should prioritize getting the All-22 film and Game Rewind up on time for 'film grinders'

Can we please get the All-22 and the Game Rewind up on time? There are a lot of people out there that like to sit and grind film on a Monday morning or a Monday afternoon.

Von Miller is the best defensive player in NFL history

Best defensive player in the league ever. It's not even close. There's no one even who can touch him, not in the same stratosphere, not any Houston Texans, no one. It's Von Miller and then a bunch of random guys. Bunch of losers.

Kirk Cousins is still a really good quarterback

My biggest takeaway is that Kirk Cousins is still really good. Oh, yeah. He is not afraid to sling it. That guy, he'll stare down a receiver on a slant route and not even look at the middle of the field.

JJ Watt's fast recovery from surgery is a result of using steroids

Steroids are back. JJ Watt had two huge sacks, not implying anything. I'm just saying. He had a really serious surgery a couple weeks ago, right? ... Jesus and steroids, shout out.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

I'd like to say congratulations to the 2016, um, world series champion Chicago Cubs. All right, well, congrats to the future World Series champions.

Bill Belichick would actually sign Jeff Garcia off the street

Realistically, you guys are thinking I'm joking about this. Jeff Garcia. If you don't think that Belichick would actually sign Jeff Garcia, you're an idiot because he would. He has been looking at Garcia's number in his phone and just staring at it almost pressing call for the last two hours.

Executive platinum members should be allowed to board planes before everyone else, including the troops

As courtesy to your legion of exec platinum members, please let them board after first class instead of with the herd. ... If it's a journalist, fire off a few tweets, start that new column... While you're in that seat, you can make use of that time.

Arian Foster's groin injury is a result of kneeling for the national anthem

Couldn't help but notice that Arian Foster kneeled for the national anthem... and he injured his groin severely today. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Just saying. It's kind of interesting. Little God. I mean, God is American.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is a top three NFL quarterback if given infinite time against a bad defense

I still think Ryan Fitzpatrick is – I think he's a top three quarterback in the NFL if you give him a lot of time and if you play against a bad defense.

Jeff Fisher's blueprint for job security is to ingrain yourself in every small facet of the company

Jeff Fisher gives everybody in corporate America a great blueprint for how to keep your job. You just – you ingrain yourself into every small facet of your company. It doesn't matter if you're doing your job well... If you just spread yourself out far enough into an organization, you're never going to get fired.

The Rams will beat the Seahawks this week

I think [Jeff Fisher] is going to beat the Seahawks this week.

I'm picking the Browns to cover this week because Hugh Jackson made them throw paper in the trash

I'm going to officially change my 49ers pick. I'm going to switch that to the Browns. [Hugh Jackson] having everybody throw their paper in the trash... to me, that's a bro sweet moment.

I prefer non-alcoholic apple cider to the alcoholic versions

I would prefer, actually, a non-alcoholic cider to an alcoholic cider. I don't like alcoholic ciders... I don't like cider like Red's Apple.

Philip Rivers is a homeschool guy who doesn't trust the government to educate his children

Phil Rivers... that's a guy that does not trust the government to educate his children. No. His 15 children.

Concussions aren't real

But actually concussions aren't real. So I don't know what Tebow is trying to get out there. Little Tebow is not the kind of guy who pretends to believe in stuff that doesn't actually exist.

NFL players putting 'Senior' on their jerseys is a 'sex brag'

I've been seeing way too many players out there that are putting senior on the back of their jerseys for one season after they have a kid... It's just blatant sex brags rubbing in your face. I think the NFL should blur it out.

Rams-49ers was the worst NFL game of the year

It was probably the shittiest game. I'm just going to say it. It was the worst game I've ever seen in the NFL in the last year.

I blame college football for the poor quality of NFL play

I put the blame squarely on college football. That's how big of a pro football guy I am. It's like they're not ready when they get here. The kids are younger, so they grew up in [Roger] Goodell's head injury-less system. And so now they get into the NFL, and they don't know how to – they can't get tackled.

Jeff Fisher is on the hot seat because Hollywood demands style and points

I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna say Jeff Fisher... You live in Hollywood. You got to score some points. Flash. They've canceled series out in Hollywood for less than just a week one dud... If you don't get the results, I think that he's going to be on the hot seat.

The sun is officially beatable after Ben McAdoo's week one plan

So the Giants are 1-0 against the Sun. And the Cowboys are 0-1 against the Sun. So Sun's taking a lot of L's this year. It sounds like the Sun is very beatable. Between Tebow and McAdoo, it's a down year for the Sun.

Roger Goodell allowing custom shoes is just a 'cool boss' trick to distract from bad leadership

The NFL is putting week 13... they're going to let the players wear whatever shoes they want. It's basically the purge for shoes. Or it's like if you have the world's worst boss, what they like to do is like a little treat... you're going to get to wear jeans on Friday.

The Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater

I think the Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater. They have a guy now that can get the job done. Sean Hill, he's a gamer... he's a guy that can win a game for you.

The Lions are better without Calvin Johnson because Matthew Stafford can spread the ball around

Is this the year that Matt Stafford finally makes the leap? I'm going to say yes. Calvin Johnson was holding him back. Better without Calvin Johnson. He can spread the ball around.

Retired the Flacco meter after Donald Trump addressed Flacco's eliteness — where else can it go from there?

I did retire the Flacco meter last year because once Donald Trump addressed [Joe] Flacco's eliteness, it's like, where else can it go from here? But every now and again, you need to kind of check in on it.

Robert Griffin III looks hilarious when he gets injured

I'm just going to say it... Robert Griffin looks hilarious when he gets injured. The dude is like, he's all arms and legs. He looks like Stretch Armstrong. Even when he's not getting injured, he looks like he's about to get injured. His body is shaped like an asterisk.

The NFL books terrible pregame bands like OneRepublic on purpose to show power over the audience

I think the NFL does that on purpose. They always have the world's shittiest band opening up for the season... They do it on purpose just to say, like, fuck you, you're going to watch. We could wheel out Ozzy Osbourne while he's in a coma, and you would still tune in and watch.

My Week 1 NFL Lock is the Jaguars +5.5 at home against the Packers

This is my stone cold lock of the week. I've got the Jaguars at home, jagging off big time, plus five and a half against the Packers.

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl. But when he doesn't win, that would actually — I would demand a raise here at Barstool if Joe Flacco made it. That would give me so much content.

Roger Goodell should suspend himself for two games following the Mike Pereira door-pushing revelation

Roger Goodell was protecting the shield before protecting the shield was cool. Here's what Roger Goodell should do. So it doesn't look good, right? ... Roger Goodell should suspend himself... for two games... And then he'll hear the appeal... reduce it to one game and boom, I think the problem solved.

Chip Kelly is on the Ice Throne because he intentionally stocks his roster with bad players to buy more time

I think Chip Kelly's on the ice throne, too... Because he's got blame gap. One thing that Chip Kelly is really great at is stockpiling his rosters with the shittiest quarterbacks... He's stocking his roster up with bad, bad players. And then he can be like, well, I didn't have the personnel this year. I'm still implementing my system.

Tim Tebow has been on a fatal dose of Adderall for the last 10 years

I think Tim Tebow has just been on almost a fatal dose of Adderall for the last 10 years. He is so obsessed with these really strange goals that he has and keeps changing jobs and doing weird stuff. This is the action of a man that is just tweaking out of his mind nonstop. 'You know what? I'm going to be a baseball player.'

Trevor Siemian is the Tim Tebow of the 2016 Denver Broncos

I don't even care that Trevor Siemian is the starting quarterback. Every game he's been in, they've won. Absolutely. So he's the Tim Tebow of the Denver Broncos this year.

Texas is back

I'm going to ask the question right now. Is Texas back? Texas is back. I think Texas is back. I mean, it was a statement win. Charlie Strong, he needed a statement win, right? Now he's back.

Real Big Fish's 'Sell Out' is the ultimate summer song

Number one. This is a song that we were singing the other day... Real Big Fish 'Sell Out' play. Love it... Anytime you have a track that's just a guy going [ska sounds], you're going to have a hit. That's a summer song.

The Arizona Cardinals will win the NFC West

NFC picks out west. I've got the Cardinals. I like Bruce Arians. I feel like everyone's played with Bruce Arians at some point.

Chad Kelly's decision to not send Mia Khalifa a dick picture shows maturity

The fact that he did not send her a dick picture tells me that he gets it. He's grown up a little bit. So just like emphasize that fact. If I were him, I would have owned it.

College football overtime should be replaced by a coaching fist fight or Oklahoma drill

I think that if we actually just had the coaches have a fist fight, like a boxing thing. Or maybe the coaches do the Oklahoma drill in the middle [of the field]. Who wouldn't watch that?

Skip Bayless was essentially on welfare because his fandom paid Troy Aikman's salary

Back when you were a quarterback in the NFL, Skip Bayless was a fan and he paid your salary. So without him, you probably would be poor right now because you were basically on welfare and he was giving you money.

Russell Wilson will have a kid by February 2017

My new pick is Russell Wilson. Russell Wilson is deaf[initely]—now that I think about it, Russell Wilson is absolutely—he's going to have a kid. He for sure is having a kid. I'm going to call it February of next year.

Marlins Man belongs in the Hall of Fame asterisk wing

Do you think Marlins Man has a chance of making the Hall of Fame? I think that he's got to be in the conversation. Put him in the asterisk wing.

Sam Bradford is a 'bunk credit score loan' that keeps getting repackaged despite being bad

Sam Bradford is basically like one of these bunk credit score loans that get repackaged and repackaged and repackaged and sold for normal money... Sam Bradford has sucked, will always suck, and will continue to suck. And for some reason, he just gets more and more valuable with age.

Sam Bradford isn't tough because he wears long sleeves

One thing I know about Minnesota, if you play there, you've got to show toughness by not wearing any sleeves, right? His sleeves go down to the end of his arm. He looks like a 7-year-old in his dad's football jersey.

Nick Saban doesn't have sex, he just 'soaks' and watches film

I don't think that Saban has sex. I think that Saban just soaks. You know what soaking is? Yeah, it's the Mormon thing. He just soaks it for a while. And then he's watching film, grading players at the same time.

Christian McCaffrey should have won the Heisman Trophy

Last year, Christian McCaffrey, the best football player on planet Earth, he should have won the Heisman, but he didn't get it because he's a Christian and maybe a white male, but mostly because he's Christian.

The SEC is 'bad' this year (2016)

RIP to the SEC, who's bad this year.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen might be getting a divorce

Like, maybe things aren't going so well in paradise? Maybe the big D word coming down the pike? Like, maybe he doesn't have such close ties with Brazil anymore?

The mosquito is the state bird of Minnesota

State bird here is the mosquito, too. That's the only place you could say that.

If a fantasy league member dies after the draft but before the season starts, their players should go to waivers

I would say if the guy passes away after the draft and before the year starts, his whole team goes on waivers. Yeah, I'd say you do that.

The ozone layer is the most overrated thing in the world; without it, everyone would just be tan and good looking

The ozone is the most overrated thing in the world. Yeah, oh, without the ozone, everybody will get really tan and good looking. Oh, man, wouldn't want that.