PFT Commenter

The NBA and Kevin Durant should stop exaggerating player heights

When did Kevin Durant become seven feet tall? He's six foot nine, right? They used to call Ben Wallace a seven footer and it's like he was at least six, I don't know, ten or something like that. Kevin Durant's... that's giving him more than a few inches. I often hear this with LeBron... they add 10 pounds and they add at least one inch every time they talk about him. I hope we can pull back from that on Kevin Durant.

Sidney Crosby is a less classy player than Alex Ovechkin because he touched the Prince of Wales Trophy

What I care about is that Sidney Crosby touched the trophy. He touched the trophy. Big no-no. You know who's never touched that trophy? Alexander Ovechkin. That's why he is a classier player than Sidney Crosby. That's why he doesn't have bad luck. That's right.

NFL players should only be allowed to have sex from May to August to ensure offseason births

I've been a long-standing fan of this policy for the NFL... I think that players should only be able to have sex through the months of, what is it, like May through August to time it so that you have an offseason baby. Because I hate it when Joe Flacco has to miss the Pro Bowl or threaten.

J.J. Watt is lazy and failing to pay his 'success rent' by watching TV on his couch

Sounds like he wasn't paying his rent for his success tonight. Sounds like he should have been in the gym instead of sitting on the couch watching TV, taking his athletic ability for granted... Sounds like someone's going to be late on his success rent.

The Arby's in Columbus is the worst fast food restaurant in America

Arby's is a questionable choice to begin with. This one particular Arby's was probably the worst fast food restaurant in America... We knew we had a problem when the guy in front of us was complaining about soggy, moldy bread that he got a week ago, and he wanted a free sandwich, and they were fighting him tooth and nail for a $5 free sandwich.

The Raptors are the Russian Army of the NBA; they defend their home well but get smoked once they travel abroad

The Raptors, they're only good in Canada. They're like the Russian army. They can defend their homeland really well. But the second you send them over like the Kush mountains into Afghanistan, they're getting smoked.

If the Warriors lose in the playoffs and don't sign Kevin Durant, their championship window is closed

No Kevin Durant plus a Warriors exit this year. Windows closed.

The Warriors' season is over

The Warriors are dead. They're in the grave, man. It's done. It's done. Three to one. They're going back to Oakland. They're not looking like the same team.

The Warriors-Thunder series pivoted entirely on Draymond Green kicking Steven Adams in the nuts

This is probably the first series that has ever pivoted entirely based on the kick to the nuts. That lit a spark. That was the spark that sparked the powder keg.

You don't need an MCL to shoot a basketball

Last time I checked, you don't score with your MCL. You score with your hands and your eyes. What did they teach you when you were learning to shoot? Balance, eyes, elbow, follow through. It's not beef and call. There's no MCL in there.

Buffalo is a top-tier vacation destination

I really feel like Buffalo is right up there with any of your great vacation places like Key West, your Acapulcos... Rio, all of the above. The 24 hours we spent there seems like it was the best time of my life.

The Mets should ban the media from reporting Matt Harvey's ERA

The Mets need to send out a release to all the press people saying, you're not allowed to cover our games. You're not getting a credential if you talk about what Matt Harvey's ERA is. So just put a moratorium on bad Matt Harvey talk.

Steph Curry is too fragile for the NBA and needs to add 30 pounds

The scouts were right. He's too fragile to play in the NBA. Needs to add another 20, 30 pounds to his frame this offseason.

I hope Draymond Green doesn't get suspended for the nut kick because playoff basketball is better with fights and retaliation

The question is, is Draymond going to get suspended for that kick? Because it was a crane kick. It was a Karate Kid shot to the balls. And I hope he doesn't get suspended because I'd like to see some retaliation. That's when playoff basketball really takes off is when there's fights and retaliation.

Dying as a champion racehorse is better than living as an old-timer in a pasture

I would say that that's more of a hurt [than an injury] because if you die a legend like that after winning a race, your legacy lives on longer than anybody else... You don't remember him as some old-timer getting jerked off in a pasture somewhere.

Horse racing is actually the most humane and best possible life for a horse

If these horses weren't racing, they would be obese and they would die much earlier of heart conditions and things like that. Or they'd be wild. They'd fight each other and kill each other. So horse racing is probably the best thing for a horse's life. [It is] most humane.

Baseball should crowdsource balls and strikes via Twitter polls during games

You could crowdsource it... A pitch happens and then everybody responds on Twitter. Twitter poll. Strike or no? And then 51% carries the day and you get a strike or ball based on that. And then fans can't get mad at it because they only have themselves to blame.

Drake is a bad musician and generally sucks

Here's a hot take about Drake, but I truly believe this. Drake sucks. Drake is not good... There's nothing good about Drake... Old Drake, before he became a musician, was good [on Degrassi].

People are more lovable when they are fat, and losing weight makes the public hate you

People who are fat are better. When Seth Rogen lost weight, everybody hated him. When Jonah Hill lost weight, everybody hated him. When you eventually lose weight, [Big Cat], you're going to be public enemy number one.

Taking Viagra and going to Niagara Falls ('Viagra Falls') is a classic comedy gag

It seems like the perfect classic joke. You know, Niagara rhymes with Viagra... So we all take Viagra, we get on the boat, and then we see who the first person is to get rid of their boner without touching it, just like through the power of mental concentration and meditation... That is like a classic comedy gag right there.

Youngstown, Ohio is likely the grittiest city in the world

Youngstown is like the grittiest city in the world, probably. Home of Boom Boom Mancini. Little known fact about Youngstown there for you.

Grit Week participants should only pack underwear and laptops, buying all other clothes daily from thrift stores

Since it's Grit Week, we got to go out there. We got to scrap. We got to hustle for everything that we earn. So every morning, we're going to go to a thrift store, buy our clothes for that day, depending on the weather.

We should buy a shotgun for the van to survive the Indy 500 Coca-Cola lot

We need to figure that out because it might be worthwhile buying a shotgun for the van... [to deal with] bands of marauders going through there? Like Vikings?

There is no industry in Indiana important enough to keep people at work on the Friday before the Indy 500

That's like a normal Friday in Indiana, isn't it? Like what industry in Indiana that makes you come to work on Friday [of Carb Day]?

Grit has been co-opted and ruined by Harvard researchers and psychologists

I've seen over the past, like two years, the pussification of grit in America. Like grit has been co-opted by Harvard researchers, by doctors, by psychologists... It's people trying to teach grit. People who have like a silver spoon in their mouths, a doctor in front of their name, trying to tell me what it means to be gritty.

The Cavaliers are Kyrie Irving's team now

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Cavaliers are Kyrie Irving's team now... Kyrie's awesome. He put up more shots, had more points. I think it's safe to say this is Kyrie Irving's team. And he is the missing ingredient that was not there last year in the finals.

The Miami Heat-Toronto Raptors playoff series did not actually happen

This backs up my theory that the Miami Heat-Toronto Raptors series did not actually happen... I cannot imagine this Raptors team beating anybody in a seven-game series right now. I don't think that the last series happened. I think that it was just something that they sent the stats online and people saw what the final score of the game was.

There is a greater chance of America taking over Toronto than the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup

I think that there's a greater chance of America, like slowly encroaching into Canada and taking their land away and taking Toronto, than there is like the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup before that time.

Take the under in the Cavaliers-Raptors series

Word to the wise, take the under in the Cavs Raptors series.

People forget Kyrie Irving was born in Australia

People forget Kyrie Irving was born in Australia. So not a lot of people remember that.

The 'Redskins' name is the only slur that has gotten less offensive over time

That is really the only word then that has gotten less offensive as time goes on. Like name any other slur and it always gets more offensive... I think white people need to kind of pat themselves on the back on this one for making Redskins no longer a racist term.

Steven Adams should use an interpreter to avoid future controversial comments

If I'm Steven Adams, I'm bringing out an interpreter with me for the next interview that I have. Like, I know you speak English in New Zealand. But most people in America don't know that... having that interpreter that you speak through, that explains away a lot of the bad stuff that you're getting caught up in right now.

Carl Malone's 'The Mailman' is one of the worst nicknames because it's redundant

I used to think it was mailman, like man, male, like guy, dude, the mailman, like finally a male for men... I just think it's a little bit redundant. That's all. Plus, like he delivers. Yeah, I get it. That's lame.

The ESPN Undefeated website is essentially 'the KKK for black people'

[The Undefeated] becomes the KKK for black people. Yeah, basically.

Joining the Wikipedia club will help you get at least two correct answers on Jeopardy in the next six months

I guarantee you that by joining our [Blake Bortles] Wikipedia club you're going to get like at least two correct answers in Jeopardy over the next six months. This is going to come in so handy for you, like way more practical than Andrew [Luck's book club].

You should always throw the first punch against a man named Rougned Odor

Rule of thumb. You always throw the first punch against a guy named Rougned. That's a guy that can't go back. That's a guy that's got nothing to lose right there.

Raptors fans treating every sport like soccer is bizarre

Here's the thing about other countries besides the United States. They treat every sporting event like it's a soccer game. Like they get together in the big town square where you're not allowed to have open containers... there's a lot of scarf wearing going on out there. That's always been a very bizarre thing to me.

If Steph Curry loses in the finals, the public will turn on him and call him a fraud

Everybody rooted for him last year because he was the skinny kid... Now he's so confident in his abilities, people are starting to turn on him. If he loses in the playoffs or in the finals, they're going to be like, I guess he couldn't hang with the big boys. Guess he's a fraud.

Steph Curry should get a divorce to become likable again because Americans love a broken person

My advice would be get a divorce. Nobody likes the married guy that's having sex with his hot wife all the time. If you're really good at your job, you get a divorce, you get a lot of sympathy from everybody... get everyone on your side immediately.

Americans do not like perfect people; they prefer athletes who fuck up like normal people

The bottom line is Americans don't like perfect... so just like make yourself more like us, you know, like get caught taking like sending a nude to somebody or sliding into somebody's DMs. Like be just like the rest of us normal Americans, you know, fucking up a little bit.

I would trade four months of being sick with Zika to win a gold medal for my country

Why is it that big of a deal to get the Zika virus if you're going to get a gold medal? I would trade four months of being sick as a dog to win, not win it for myself, but win it for my country. I would shit through a screen door for four months if it meant that my country got a gold medal.

The Warriors-Thunder series will feature Russell Westbrook and Steph Curry flexing on each other and it will be awesome

This is going to be Westbrook flexing on Steph Curry, Steph Curry trying to flex on Westbrook. It's going to be awesome.

Tim Duncan will likely forget to retire and just keep showing up to the gym through inertia

There's a chance that Tim Duncan just forgets to retire and just by like... through inertia, he keeps showing up at the gym. I think that's more likely than him actually retiring.

Steven Adams is a genuine mustache guy, not like the ironic losers who just talk about them

Adams is like a genuine mustache guy. And like half of his tweets are about how much he loves mustaches. Um, so I'm looking forward to seeing him and [Andrew] Bogut going at each other.

The 2017 NBA Finals will be the Wizards vs. the Warriors, with the Wizards winning in six games

I got the Wizards because John Wall and Kevin Durant are going to be tough to defend. So I got the Wizards going up again. I'm going to say the Warriors make it back again. Wizards, Warriors, Wizards in six.

The 2022 World Cup Final will be Argentina vs. Spain

I'm going to go Argentina-Spain [for the 2022 Men's World Cup].

Rache Caldwell is the world's worst criminal

The whole premise of it is like [Rache] Caldwell is the world's worst criminal... he orders five and a half pounds of MDMA from China and it shows up on his doorstep delivered by a federal agent.

LeBron James is the most valuable player in the NBA, regardless of who wins MVP

I would say LeBron should be the MVP this year, though. He is the most valuable player in the NBA. That's a fact. Well, I guess we got to get into a debate over what valuable means.

I'm dreading the Capitals' inevitable playoff exit more than ever

I should schedule a reminder in my phone that goes off this week every year saying, okay, schedule some time with your therapist... this is the gut punch that I get every year and I've gotten it for the last 15 years.

I'm officially done with Riley Curry

I'm hashtag done with Riley Curry. i've i've had it that's riley time riley curry okay yeah it was it was cool last year um it was a nice little like diversion from the normal post game press conference now i feel like i feel like she's reading her press clippings a little bit too much and she thinks that she's really cute and she might be really cute but she she knows that she's really cute now and last year she didn't know it she was just being cute so um i'm done with riley curry don't want to see her again