Takes

Tom Brady will uncover a game-winning play in the fourth quarter because of his extra film study

That means that he's going to uncover something that he never saw and it's going to come out in like the fourth quarter and then Peter King's going to fucking masturbate onto a piece of paper being like Tom Brady found this in our, you know, 746 of sitting in his Tampa Derek Jeter's house by himself.

David Cully is just a stopgap hire to get to Josh McCown

My favorite conspiracy is that I'm seeing this report as being a stopgap to get them to Josh McCown as their head coach... They're saying that David Cully is going to be the interim head coach.

Aaron Rodgers clearly wants out of Green Bay

One last Packers note, Aaron Rodgers clearly wants out of Green Bay. I'm pretty sure Aaron Rodgers is going to be back on the Packers next year. I don't know.

The Cleveland Browns will get 'clapped' by the Kansas City Chiefs in the Divisional Round

The Browns are going to get clapped against the Chiefs.

Brian Daboll will be hired as a head coach after this season

He's [Josh Allen] going to get Daboll hired, man. Brian Daboll is going to get it. That dude is a dude's dude, and I know that him and Josh are really tight, and he's absolutely going to get a really good job off this.

The Bills and Chiefs are the biggest threats to the Packers winning a title

I think the teams truly to worry for the Green Bay Packers are in the AFC. I think it's the Chiefs with their ability to score really fast. And I think it's the Buffalo Bills because Josh Allen somehow grew a hose in the last offseason and can throw the ball at any point in time.

The Baltimore Ravens are officially the team that no one wants to play in the playoffs

Starting with the Ravens Bengals the Baltimore Ravens. We said it last week. They are the team officially. No one wants to play. They got their swagger back. Five straight wins, 525 yards, 404 yards rushing.

The Ravens are officially the team that no one wants to play in the playoffs

I think the Ravens officially have become the team no one wants to play. We cast them off and now I think they are officially the team no one wants to play in the playoffs. I really do.

Anthony Lynn is the dumbest coach in football history

Anthony Lynn is the dumbest coach that has ever been created in coaching history. And he fumbled again. He had a bird brain. He has a goddamn bird inside of the skull. Now the bird's dead because even the bird can't stand hanging out with him.

Cody Parkey will miss a big kick in a playoff game and ruin the Browns' season

Cody Parkey will fuck you in the face. If the Browns make the playoffs, there is no sure bet in the entire world, then Cody Parkey doing this to the Browns. Cody Parkey will miss the big kick in a playoff game for the Browns and the Browns we'll have no one to blame, but themselves because everyone has alerted you.

The Bills are going to crush the Steelers

I think the Bills are going to crush them, actually.

Noah Fant will be an awesome tight end for his second NFL team

I have a take on Noah Fant. I think that Noah Fant is going to be an awesome tight end when he goes to his second team. Yes. That dude is, like, he is baby Eric Ebron... He's just waiting for somebody that – or, like, a decent offense that can get him the ball occasionally.

Carson Wentz will be the Colts' quarterback next season and will be good again

No, he's going to be a Colt... Phillip Rivers is not obviously going to be there for more than maybe a year more... And he'll get reunited with Frank Reich and be behind a good offensive line. They've got a couple nice little young weapons. So he will be a Colt. And guess what? Unfortunately for Philly fans, he's going to be good. He will be good again.

The Steelers should lose to the Washington Football Team to reset their season

So that means that they should lose this game against the Washington football team. I actually think that they should try to lose a game just so that everyone can be down on them and then they can come back and be like, fuck you, revenge tour in the playoffs.

The Washington Football Team will win the NFC East and beat the Cardinals in the playoffs

I officially care, and I think that they're going to beat the Steelers on Monday... I think that the football team is going to win the division at 6-10, maybe even 7-9. I think that we're going to win a home playoff game against the Arizona Cardinals.

A smart NFL team should hire Cam Newton as a specialist for two-point conversions only

What a smart team should do is they should just hire Cam Newton to be their all-time two-point conversion quarterback. Go for two guy. Go for two every single time, snap the ball directly to him, and he either runs... or he does a jump pass. Cam Newton is probably the best short yardage football player of all time.

Tom Brady cannot play after 8 p.m. at night

I'm starting to believe the theory that Tom Brady cannot play after 8 p.m. at night. [PFT: I really do think this is true.] And as the game goes on, he gets worse.

The Steelers will kill the Ravens on Thanksgiving

The Ravens got the cocoa. The Steelers don't. The Steelers are going to kill them. We thought the Ravens had a chance, but now it's no.

The Saints' defense has all the components of a Super Bowl-winning unit.

The Saints defense has all of the bones to be a Super Bowl team. They have the bones to win the Super Bowl... they are rounding into form at the perfect time.

Jadeveon Clowney is no longer a good football player

Like Jadeveon Clowney in college, I was like, that guy's not going to be good at the next level because he wears number two. I was right. He's not good anymore.

Michael Thomas is a terrible fit for Jameis Winston's deep-passing skill set

I can't think of a wide receiver that fits Jameis Winston's skill set less than Michael Thomas. Just running slants, just going as close to linebackers as possible. Bad, bad. Yeah, just tell him, I know that your captain slant runs straight downfield. Go deep, go deep.

The 2020 Steelers are a 'fun' offensive team, not just a defensive juggernaut

I'm starting to embrace the fact that the Steelers are fun... the Steelers are a fun offensive football team, and it's taken me probably two and a half years of them actually being electric on offense for me to accept that fact.

The Packers defense is soft and will struggle in the late season

I think that their defense—I know they get a couple corners back, but I think their defense is somewhat soft and finesse a little bit. I think that you can have some success on this defense... they probably will have a little bit of difficulty when it gets late in the season.

The Bears will be chasing the mistake of drafting Mitch Trubisky for a decade

These are the repercussions of missing. When you take a swing for the fences on a quarterback in the first round and you miss, you feel it for a decade going forward. The Bears will be chasing that mistake for a very long time.

Don't take the Chargers moneyline; they always lose by exactly one point

I want to take the Chargers based solely off the fact that they're going to lose this game by exactly one point and I know that... you'd be an idiot to take the money line for the Chargers.

The Chiefs are by far the best team in the NFL

The Chiefs are definitely by far the best team in the NFL and then... they can literally do everything. I don't know like yes, this game was close... but winning these games. I'm never gonna be like, oh man, the chief should have blown them out.

Keeping Adam Gase is the smartest move for the Jets because he is a 'tank' that can't be accused of tanking

Keeping Adam Gase is the smartest thing you can do is GM because... it actually Adam Gase is your tank like he is your tank but not tanking. You can't be accused of tanking, but you are tanking when you have Adam Gase there.

The Cowboys' defense plays better when they have a backup quarterback like Ben DiNucci

It turns out that in a weird way is kind of good having a shitty quarterback playing because your defense gets this mindset of like we have to create turnovers, we have to stop everybody. Whereas before they're like, oh we got Dak, he's gonna throw for a million yards, I can take a couple plays off here.

The Tennessee Titans are a fraudulent football team

I'm going to use the F-word on the Titans. I think the Titans where a fraudulent football... I think they're fun when they were five and oh I was saying I don't think they're real because Ryan Tannehill, we should always stick with our gut on Ryan Tannehill.

The Baltimore Ravens are frauds because Lamar Jackson can't throw consistently against elite teams

As I've thought from day one when I've started the Ravens are frauds and again, it's not that they're bad team. There are very very good team when I say the word fraud I'm doing it because because they have Championship aspirations... until I see it from Lamar Jackson in terms of passing the ball consistently... the NFL like to be in Upper Echelon team, you have to your quarterback has to be able to throw have that type of game.

The Browns are a better team without Odell Beckham Jr.

We are right in the middle of the takes of the Browns better without Odell Beckham. I don't even know if it's not any I think that they kind of are... Baker is a better quarterback without Odell Beckham. Yes. Yes. They try to force the ball to O'Dell and now Baker doesn't have to worry about that and he can spread the ball around.

The Bears will be underdogs every week and I will keep betting on them

The Bears are 5-1. I don't give a fuck how they're winning. They're going to be underdogs every single game. I'm going to keep betting on them... the defense is back... I know that deep down the Bears are destined for a 10 and 6 11 and 5 record and then to lose in a heartbreaking way in the first round and everyone to shit down my throat.

Kyle Shanahan will look for a new quarterback like Kirk Cousins to replace Jimmy Garoppolo after the season

I think the bigger question here is after the season. What do they do? ... I think that Kyle Shanahan is going to look for somebody else after the season. ... it wouldn't surprise me at all if the Vikings decide, 'You know what, we've had enough with this guy' and Shanahan embraces [Kirk] Cousins.

Josh Norman should retire immediately after that Derrick Henry stiff arm

Josh Norman should retire like soon after that. Derrick Henry stiff arms are hilarious... he does like The Kill Bill the Five Finger Death Punch on you like Taps who with his fingertips and then your heart stops immediately and you go limp you go flying.

DK Metcalf is currently a top three wide receiver in the NFL

DK Metcalf where we ranking him top wide receivers because he's awesome. I'd say top top three that's lets you think that's a crazy draft pick for the Seahawks.

Cam Newton is healthy and the Patriots offense looks very promising

Cam Newton looks good. He looks healthy... the Patriots were very promising. Yes, very, very good. I would watch these two teams [Patriots and Seahawks] play every single week.

Tom Brady will have a massive 'get right' game against the Panthers

I think Tom Brady's going to eat this week and everyone's like, oh my God Tom Brady's back. Yeah Bruce Arians did the classic Bruce Arians thing where he just spent the entire week making fun of Tom Brady.

Ryan Tannehill is a fantasy lock for 250 yards and 4 touchdowns

My starting this week is Ryan Tannehill. If one thinks the Titans are running team, he's putting up forties and 250 yards minimum this weekend minimum, bro.

The Cowboys are destined to be the world's best 8-8 team every single year

I think that I'm numb to the Cowboys because they're just destined to be the world's best 8-8 team every single year... sometimes they'll make the playoffs going 8-8 and then they will be like, well, maybe this is the actual time they put it together, but I think that this is classic Cowboys.

The Buccaneers and Patriots Week 1 results will be a referendum on Tom Brady's legacy

What has to happen is we need the Buccaneers to win and the Patriots to lose or the Patriots to win the Buccaneers to lose so we can really hammer into that story. Storylines cannot be taken back. This weekend is a referendum on the life-altering change of course that Tom Brady made.

The Cowboys offense will reach a new ceiling under Mike McCarthy

I think that the new coach Mike McCarthy is going to instill a lot more aggressive nature and a lot more passing to this offense. ... We are going from one of the most conservative run-heavy coaches of Jason Garrett to the most aggressive coach in terms of throwing the football down the field in Mike McCarthy. ... I think we're going to see a higher ceiling because they're going to be willing to pass the ball.

NFL players will lie about having COVID just to keep playing

The one thing that I think the NFL still has going for it is that pretty much every single player is just going to lie when they have coronavirus. I think there will be a whole team that's sick and we just won't know about it.

The Steelers will finish the 2020 season 13-3

I'm going with the Thirteen and three thirteen and three even better.

NFL owners will never force Dan Snyder to sell because they all have similar skeletons in their closets

I think that the other NFL owners, and I think a lot of NFL teams are going to look at this report and be like, well, we can't force [Dan] Snyder to sell because we all have some of the same stuff probably happening under our own roofs.

Paying Patrick Mahomes this much money will inevitably hurt the Chiefs' roster depth

The ultimate question now is will paying Patrick Mahomes this much hurt the team? And of course it will because he's going to be paid a lot of money. And is it going to be worth it in the long run when you have to figure out a way to Cobble together a team by paying Patrick Mahomes as well.

Bill Belichick has always wanted a mobile quarterback to experiment with new offensive schemes

Belichick's always talking about how he wants a mobile quarterback... belch I was like, I want to get rid of you [Brady] and get a cool new toy that can run around. So like the football like porn that's going to come out of this like the X's and O's and blocking schemes... Bellatrix brain with like a mobile quarterback.

Roger Goodell will use a technicality to prevent Dave Portnoy from documenting the auction-won MNF game

I think they're going to figure out a technicality, right?... if he [Goodell] just had to sit with Goodell with no content being made. That's actually the ultimate own back on Dave. You just have to sit with this miserable person for an entire night and listen to him talk... and you can't make content out of it. That would kill Dave.

I will bet on any NFL team that was bad the previous year in Week 1

My week one strategy is just basically bet on the teams that sucked last year.

The Arizona Cardinals are being overlooked heading into the 2020 season

DeAndre Hopkins is on the Cardinals, just a reminder. Everyone's forgetting about the Cardinals.

Jameis Winston's LASIK surgery might turn him into 'Captain Checkdown'

What if [Jameis Winston] is able to see those cornerbacks and he becomes Captain check down and he's like, I can't believe I used to make those throw[s]... his eyes are going to be seeing ghosts and it's going to affect his personality like any wild way.