Takes

NFL players putting 'Senior' on their jerseys is a 'sex brag'

I've been seeing way too many players out there that are putting senior on the back of their jerseys for one season after they have a kid... It's just blatant sex brags rubbing in your face. I think the NFL should blur it out.

I blame college football for the poor quality of NFL play

I put the blame squarely on college football. That's how big of a pro football guy I am. It's like they're not ready when they get here. The kids are younger, so they grew up in [Roger] Goodell's head injury-less system. And so now they get into the NFL, and they don't know how to – they can't get tackled.

NFL parity is just a myth for everyone being bad

They have convinced us that the NFL has extreme parity when in reality it's just everyone sucks. So you can make the playoffs because everyone sucks except for maybe five teams, four teams.

Roger Goodell allowing custom shoes is just a 'cool boss' trick to distract from bad leadership

The NFL is putting week 13... they're going to let the players wear whatever shoes they want. It's basically the purge for shoes. Or it's like if you have the world's worst boss, what they like to do is like a little treat... you're going to get to wear jeans on Friday.

Robert Griffin III looks hilarious when he gets injured

I'm just going to say it... Robert Griffin looks hilarious when he gets injured. The dude is like, he's all arms and legs. He looks like Stretch Armstrong. Even when he's not getting injured, he looks like he's about to get injured. His body is shaped like an asterisk.

Cam Newton and Ron Rivera had the worst clock management of the 2016 season so far

Cam Newton and analytical Ron, probably the worst clock management that we've seen in the 2016 NFL season so far. They burned every single timeout within the first five minutes of the first half.

Trevor Siemian is the perfect Northwestern quarterback because he is bad but okay

Trevor Siemian, not that bad, but also not that good. Kind of like perfect Northwestern quarterback. He reminded you that he's Trevor Siemian, but then he made a couple of throws that were okay... He was bad, but he was also good.

Jay Cutler has a true gunslinger mentality that leads to extreme volatility

Jay would come out in the first half and sometimes throw four or five touchdowns, and then something would happen, and he'd throw four or five picks in the second half. So whatever that switch is that gets flipped, man, once it goes, he just starts firing the ball all over the place. But that's what makes him great. He's the true gunslinger mentality.

Chad Kelly's decision to not send Mia Khalifa a dick picture shows maturity

The fact that he did not send her a dick picture tells me that he gets it. He's grown up a little bit. So just like emphasize that fact. If I were him, I would have owned it.

Sam Bradford is a 'bunk credit score loan' that keeps getting repackaged despite being bad

Sam Bradford is basically like one of these bunk credit score loans that get repackaged and repackaged and repackaged and sold for normal money... Sam Bradford has sucked, will always suck, and will continue to suck. And for some reason, he just gets more and more valuable with age.

Sam Bradford isn't tough because he wears long sleeves

One thing I know about Minnesota, if you play there, you've got to show toughness by not wearing any sleeves, right? His sleeves go down to the end of his arm. He looks like a 7-year-old in his dad's football jersey.

Preseason Game 4 is a nightmare for punters because everyone is selling out to block a kick to make the team

Game four is what we like to call a nightmare... Because it's a lot easier to block a punt than it is to block for a punt. And the big selling point in all NFL camps is if you block a kick, you're going to make this team... You got guys selling out to block kicks.

Roger Goodell is basically a piss vampire

I just happen to have a cannon attached to my hip. Roger Goodell just can't fathom it. He needs my piss... my leg's gonna fall off soon... but I'm on no drugs so Roger Goodell is basically just a vampire sustained by piss and he just has to keep going back and drinking it from you.

Joey Bosa needs to shave his goatee to win over public support during his contract holdout

Number one is, dude, you got to shave the goatee. No one's going to be lining up behind you to support you if you're wearing the goatee. Right now, Joey Bosa, he looks like the evil dimension version of Joey Bosa. You're not doing yourself any favors with the facial hair.

Joe Flacco is definitely an elite quarterback

Is Joe Flacco elite? Duh. Obviously. He won the Super Bowl. Hello.

Usain Bolt would be a scary NFL wide receiver

Tony Dungy actually did come out and said that Usain Bolt would be a scary wide receiver. So it's good to see that. Good to see someone else is thinking along our lines. Guys really fast. Put some pads on them.

Les Miles eating grass makes him a true 'Football Guy'

My first one was Les Miles. Any guy who actually wants to eat the grass of a football field, that's a football guy.

Andy Reid's fupa belt is the worst look for anyone but a football coach

He puts that like right in the middle of his waist. And it's just an awful, awful look for anyone but a football coach.

Football pants should actually be called 'football shorts'

I think football pants are shorts. I think they should be called football shorts.

Christian Ponder has the perfect look of a really good backup quarterback.

I would say that Christian Ponder has the look of a really good backup quarterback. Every good starting quarterback has a little something weird about him. But Ponder is just like, he's a good looking guy. He's just kind of, he's neutral. He's got some muscles. Like you said, he looks good in shorts and a t-shirt. Absolutely. He looks good.

Kyle Orton belongs on the Mount Rushmore of backup quarterbacks.

Kyle Orton, come on. Of course.

Jared Lorenzen is a Mount Rushmore backup quarterback

Friend of the program, Jared Lorenzen. Yes. Has a Super Bowl ring. People forget that.

Jeff Garcia is the quintessential emergency backup quarterback

Jeff Garcia. Oh, man. Dude, he was one of those guys where if your quarterback got injured in the preseason – It could be like five years after Garcia retired. You're going to make a call to Garcia's agent. He's a name that should get thrown around a lot more.

Peyton Manning was using inferior steroids compared to James Harrison

I think what we can clearly tell is that if James Harrison was doing steroids and if Peyton Manning was doing steroids, Peyton Manning was doing way shittier steroids than James Harrison. Those were not from the same steroid guy.

NFL catch rules should be based on common sense rather than slow-motion replay

If common sense dictates that it's a catch, it ought to be a catch. I think one of the issues that has come up in this is that it doesn't belong in replay. This whole judgment area... That's judgment. It's 100% judgment. And replay ought to be based on facts, not judgment.

The uncatchable ball rule should be determined by the receiver; if it is Ted Ginn, 90% of passes should be considered uncatchable

Shouldn't an uncatchable ball, shouldn't that rule be determined on who the wide receiver is in question? If it's Ted Ginn, shouldn't 90% of them be uncatchable?

NFL technology, such as chips in the football to measure field goals, is going too far

I think this technology, in my opinion, is going too far. I mean, I'm watching the San Francisco 49ers and they're playing Houston... there's a chip in the football that's measuring field goal attempts and how far inside the upright each kick is good by... I don't know where we're going in this.

The importance of NFL officials being in peak physical shape is overhyped compared to their experience and mental processing

I think that the notion of the being in shape thing is a little bit overhyped a little bit... an official only has to cover seven yards for the most part. I mean, how fast does he have to move? And I'd rather have a guy that can process a thought and, you know, with experience and make some decisions versus... some, you know, guy that's 35 that can run like a deer but doesn't know, you know, delay a game from offside.

NFL officials love officiating at Lambeau Field and Soldier Field but dislike the Oakland Coliseum

Officials, the one thing they get caught up a little bit in is history, which is why they like the Lambeau fields and they like the soldier fields and why they don't like the Oakland Coliseum.

The New England Patriots have pulled shenanigans that have to be considered cheating

Based on the Spygate thing, which they did, and what I at least perceive to be enough evidence on the Spygate thing, to me, they pull shenanigans that are certainly have to be considered cheating.

Jon Gruden was the worst coach in the NFL to deal with on the sidelines

Who was the worst coach on the sideline? Him [Gruden]. I don't think there's any question. And officials used to call me when I was in charge of the league and say, you know, Gruden was out of line.

The NFL needs to officially suspend Aaron Hernandez immediately

Aaron Hernandez, now convicted of the murder of Odin Lloyd, he's been charged with double homicide. He's being investigated for another shooting. Still not officially suspended by the NFL... We are the Woodward and Bernstein [of this story].

Jay Cutler is the only professional athlete who is treated like a woman

I love how Jay Cutler is the only professional athlete that's treated like a woman, really. Like, honey, you'd be so much better if you'd just smile, babe.

Robert Griffin III driving a 1992 Volkswagen to practice is a major try-hard move

Robert Griffin III rolled up to practice in a 1992 Volkswagen today... I thought it would be someone who actually still owned an old car, not someone that went out and borrowed a friend's old car just so that people would write stories about him driving to practice. It makes Robert Griffin seem like a real try-hard.

Russell Wilson is almost too short to be on a sports poster

We were a little bit worried about Russell because, you know, people said you should do a poster. I thought, you know, he might be too short. You know, he's kind of a little short to be on a poster.

Being shot is preferable to watching Mike Mularkey coach the Jaguars

I would get shot 10 times again instead of going through 2011 Jaguars again.

In 100 years, everyone will have a voice that sounds exactly like Bruce Arians

If you look at Evolution – you know, 100 years from now, we're all going to be talking like Bruce Arians. It's just going to be a melting pot. And everybody's going to be really good at football.

Tom Brady is a bad guy

Number four on my Mount Rushmore of bad guys. Tom Brady. [Belichick] never got suspended. True. He only got fined.

Bruce Arians has a unique 'locker room' accent because he gets fired so often

Arians' accent, like he's never lived in a place long enough to develop a real accent because he gets fired all the time. So his accent is just locker room. It's just like a mix of like southern good old boy, like inner city, and then a little bit of Midwestern.

Miko Grimes should use a foundation Twitter account to blame future controversial tweets on interns

This is a longstanding PR 101 piece. Just start a Twitter account in the foundation's name, the Miko Grimes Foundation account. Then you can say an intern was tweeting and dropping [the hard J] on everyone's face.

J.J. Watt is sexist for only posting photos with his female relatives

J.J. Watt tweeted a picture of himself, his mom, and his grandmother... hashtag squad. Way to brag in all of our faces. Hey, J.J., what about your dad and your grandfather and your great-grandfather? Do you not like men? Are you being sexist?

Tom Brady is the greatest American to ever live

Name the greatest American to ever live. Tom Brady.

Johnny Manziel's NFL suspension is a PR victory because it keeps him relevant

He got suspended by the NFL for four games. And you know what? That's a great thing for him to have happen because Johnny Manziel, for the first time in a few months, is being talked about in the same sentence as the NFL... It's all good news when the NFL is suspending you because that means you still have a little bit of relevancy.

Buddy Ryan was a good soul with a good heart despite his angry appearance

As angry as he appeared to many people, he really had a very good heart, a good soul. And he was a doer. He was a doer, an accomplisher. Whatever he put his mind and heart to do, he did and accomplished.

Tarvaris Jackson's wife is a Hall of Famer for mocking his on-field accuracy while he was holding a gun

Jax and his wife said to him [while he pointed a gun at her], you better be accurate because you ain't accurate on the field. That's so quick... she actually is facing death and she's still not afraid to go there. Not afraid to go there Hall of Fame.

Tarvaris Jackson was a D-grade draft pick for the Vikings

Can we retroactively go back and grade Brad Childress' draft when he selected Tarvaris in the second round? Because in light of yesterday's events, I'd like to change my grade to a D. I think Tarvaris was a D-grade draft.

Brad Childress and Joe Philbin don't look like real football coaches

Brad Childress is definitely in that camp where it's like that guy is not really a football coach, right? Mark Trestman is the same way. You look at him and you're like, come on, bad idea... Joe Philbin just because he's a classic case of looking like a loser.

The viral Jaguars 'lady' fan should be given sideline passes and locker room access

I mean, she needs to be, like, sideline pass minimum, possibly in the locker room. [Big Cat: If you want to win some nice internet PR, go viral, let's get Jacksonville Jaguars lady some season tickets on Blake Bortles.]

A college team like Alabama could potentially beat a professional NFL team

Doesn't that say that maybe after all, like an Alabama football team could beat some professional football teams? [Blake Bortles: Yeah, I mean, I guess it's kind of like the miracle on ice back in the day. You know, I guess there's always a possibility.]

The team's kicker would be the best choice for a coxswain role

Personality-wise, a long snapper would be perfect for [coxswain], but... long snappers usually aren't that small, so I'd probably say it'd have to be our kicker.