Takes

Flaco the Owl was likely murdered and didn't just die from a building collision

It says he didn't break any bones, but he sustained massive hemorrhaging inside his body. This seems like somebody else had a hand in it. We need to check the flight logs. Was Flaco on the list? This Owl probably had information that would've led to the arrest and subsequent conviction of Hillary Clinton.

I will be able to dunk a basketball and hit twenty three-pointers within the next ten months

I'm going hard to dunk... summer, that's exactly my plan. I'm already over leveraged. What if I do both and hit 20 threes? I just have to basically change my entire lifestyle way of thinking and everything.

I bet $10,000 that I can dunk a men's basketball on a 10-foot rim by the end of 2024

I'll bet you $10,000. You can't do it by the end of the year. Yeah, I'll match... Men's basketball, 10 foot rim... Deal, deal, deal... I'm due to follow up on one of these things and make it happen.

I know how to fly a plane, I just don't know how to take off or land

I just know how to fly. I don't know how to take off and land. Exactly.

I will have abs and be benching 325 pounds by Memorial Day

Memorial Day this year. I say Memorial Day I'm gonna be in such good shape. I'm gonna have abs. I'm gonna be bench pressing 325. It's gonna be sick.

I have a rational confidence that I could pass the multiple-choice portion of the Bar Exam without studying

I have a rational confidence that I could pass the multiple choice part [of the bar exam]. If I studied I could definitely do it... I'm good at reading a test question and figuring out what they're trying to ask me. I've watched enough SVU I think to pass the bar exam.

If the Commanders win the Super Bowl, I will eat a steak

If we win the Super Bowl, I'll have a steak... Y'all have to take me to the best steak in the world.

Jerry Jones only made a hologram of himself because he is about to die

I also feel I, you know, I'm not like a huge Jerry Jones fan, but good for him because I think Jerry Jones is about to die. ... In at and t stadium, Jerry Jones unveiled a hologram Jerry Jones that's interactive. ... AI hologram. You don't make that unless you're about to die.

The female orgasm is a myth created by 'Big Orgasm'

The female orgasm. Not real. Big orgasm has been lying to you guys. Girls don't come. They just do it because they like to make us feel bad for coming too quick. Exactly... let's be honest, let's get real honest here. That shit's not real.

Shark attacks are not real and people just overreact to minor injuries

I don't think shark attacks are real. I just don't think they're real. I think someone hits their leg on like a coral reef or something. I don't believe them. I do not think they're real. I think someone... you're a bad swimmer. You probably stubbed your toe and then overreacted.

The Wright Brothers are technically responsible for every aviation-related tragedy in history

[The Wright Brothers] are also responsible for 9/11. I mean, it was flying. It started there. ... You're also taking responsibility for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Crows are the dumbest animals in the world

My personal big takeaway was that crows are dumb as shit. ... I've been told my whole life that crows are the smartest bird in the world. And it's a miracle that they ever get out of bed in the morning without stabbing themselves in the butthole with their own beak. Because they're so stupid that they just hold onto the back of an eagle and die of not being able to breathe.

I learned how to run before I learned how to walk

I learned to run before I learned to walk.

Men evolved beards as a form of physical armor to protect their throats in combat

I actually read this crazy thing that men developed beards because it prevented them from getting their throat slashed in combat. It was an extra like thing of Armor.

The Times Square Margaritaville should be subsidized by the government and saved from closure

Margaritaville should be too big to fail. It should be subsidized by the government. Should be saved. Yeah.

I can break the hot dog record of 76 if the weather stays dry

That record of 76, it could go down. The weather's looking a little bit iffy. They're, they're calling for thunderstorms and it, it's been a long time since we've had rain... if it's good condition, I I see a record.

Soul patches are making a huge comeback this summer

I think the soul patch is the right move. I think soul patches are making a huge comeback. I think one of you guys should lead the charge on that... it's gonna be Soul patch summer.

AI robots will take over and kill everyone within a month

I'm fully convinced, I figured I should just get it on record that probably within like a month, AI is going to build robots, take over the world and we're all gonna die.

I will join the 1,000 pound club naturally within a year

Challenge myself and I'm gonna get hurt. And that's gonna suck... I'm gonna try to do a thousand pound club, Billy... It's deadlift, squat, bench. A thousand pounds... I'm doing it all natural. No, I'm doing it. It's either all natural or can't do.

The pull-out method is the best and most effective birth control

This is why the pull-out method's just, it's the best. So much more effective. It's the best. Yeah. Works a hundred percent. You know where the semen's going? Yeah. Never have a problem pulling out.

I will get a tattoo of the lottery ball machine if Hank passes me in total wins by the end of the next football season

If Hank, what did you agree to? If you don't get the lottery ball before the end of next football season, I will get a tattoo of the lottery ball machine. But if I pass you in total victories by the end of next football season, you will get a lottery ball machine [tattoo].

Drinking your own piss once a month provides long-term health benefits

I drink my own piss at least once a month. It's supposed to help long-term health benefits. I haven't been sick yet... when you think about it, your lower digestive system gets a lot of piss going through it. But your upper doesn't really get the taste of that.

Drinking your own pee is necessary to recycle supplements and vitamins

You know when you take a lot of vitamins and supplements? They come out in your pee a lot. Well you gotta drink your pee to get the supplements back that you lose. Once a month me and my buddies play piss pong.

Dentists are a scam

Dentists are a scam. You don't have a cavity until somebody tells you you have a cavity. People don't go to the dentist when their teeth are feeling great.

Only two people in the room statistically have cancer

Statistically only like two of us in this room have cancer. [Big Cat: That's a bummer].

I am going to have 'final four abs' by getting cool sculpting done on my stomach

When I went in to get my platelet-rich plasma injections into my scalp, I got upsold into getting cool sculpting done on my stomach. And so now my stomach hurts really bad. The good news is I'm gonna have final four abs.

Tiger Woods is way overdue to shave his head

I did have one moment that took my breath away that I'd forgotten about when Tiger Woods was wrapping up at St. Andrews... he took his hat off... it is bad. It looks like a chia pet in the Sahara Desert. It's not good... It is way, way overdue for [shaving it].

Vacations are for suckers and losers

Full stop. Fucking work hard. Hank vacation. Boy, you're soft bitch. All these vacations you're taking. I didn't even like doing it. I wanted to be working with the boys... vacations for suckers and losers.

Valentine's Day didn't actually happen this year because it was the day after the Super Bowl

Go fuck yourself for putting Valentine's Day the day after the Super Bowl. That snuck up on everyone. Everyone had any idea that so if you got in trouble for forgetting Valentine's Day, just tell your significant other, literally everybody forgot about it. It didn't happen this year, basically.

I am going to run a marathon this year and not tell a single soul about it

I'm gonna run a marathon at some point... but not tell anybody. So you're never gonna know when I do it. I'm gonna be the first person in the history of the world to run a marathon and not tell anyone about it. And not talk about it at all. Except for right now, which I'm doing in advance.

I am going to get back into Olympic weightlifting this off-season

Not this is my big one and I think people are gonna laugh at it. But I'm gonna try to get back into Olympic weightlifting. I did it when I was in my twenties. I'm gonna start doing all the fucking weightlifting... cleans and jerks, snatches. Everything.

Mammoths might be successfully cloned as early as 2024

Mammoths might be cloned as early as 2024.

I can hit 8 out of 10 free throws easily.

Someone said, how many free throws would you make out of 10? I was like, in my day, I was a prolific free throw shooter... I can easily hit 8 outta 10. Might have been a little ambitious. [I went] four out 10 the first time.

I could land a commercial airliner if the pilot became incapacitated

If I got behind the wheel or what the stick of a 737 and I was able to talk to air traffic control, I honestly do believe that I would be able to land a plane. It's pretty simple stuff. It's not rocket science, it's air science.

There are wooly mammoth bones and ivory worth millions in the East River

There's a bunch of treasure in the East River... wooly mammoth bones, tusks, ivory. It's treasure. Millions. Billions. The treasure is on East 65th Street next to the FDR Drive in the water... we're gonna try to go get it.

I will have visible abs and be in peak physical condition by Super Bowl week

You wanna make a bet that you can see abs on us at the Super Bowl. ... A. I really don't wanna see your abs. But B. there's no way 40 days... [Big Cat]: I'm gonna have abs. ... I'm pretty sure I could drink an entire mad dog and probably do twice as many pushups as you.

The PMT podcast will be 'sexy as shit' and have Super Bowl abs by February 2023

This podcast, it's gonna be fucking sexy as shit. Yeah. By the end of January we're getting Super Bowl abs. I'm going Buns of Anarchy... All are welcome to join Buns of Anarchy.

I am losing 25 pounds in 2023 for my 'hard body' year

2023 is a hard body year. I'm gonna get a hard body... I'm losing 25 pounds in 2023. Losing 25 pounds in 2023... January 1st, new me.

I am driving from Massachusetts to Arizona for the Arizona Bowl

I swear to God [I'm driving]... from Massachusetts... possibly [driving with a friend moving out there]... let's do it. Let's drive to Arizona.

The Powerball drawing is rigged because of the delay and lack of a live stream

Powerball rigged. So Powerball rigged. That's very suspect. Biggest Powerball in history... They delayed the drawing because officials need more time to complete protocols and they didn't live stream it.

I may be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life due to a lone star tick bite

Turns out I must have stepped on a lone star tick nest... and I got bitten by a bunch of lone star tick larva... which the good news is the larva don't transmit Lyme's... but they can give you an Alpha-gal allergy. That means that Alpha-gal is in all red meat and dairy and I, I might be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life. I had to go vegan for a month before I get the test... I contracted veganism.

I do not take steroids; I only take 'PEDs' which stands for 'Prioritize, Execute, and Dominate'

I take PEDs. Yeah. I prioritize, execute and dominate every, every fucking morning. Every morning... [I'm] completely fucking around guys [about the acronym].

Wearing synthetic clothes and using deodorant will tank your testosterone

If you wear petrochemical clothing, if you wear xenoestrogen-laden perfumes, the deodorants... you're gonna tank your testosterone. Your estrogen goes up. You have less muscle, more fat.

The Denver airport was likely built by Nazis or the New World Order

Denver international airport airport built by Nazis, right? Well, it was built by the same person that or the same company that built the underground layer... There's a lot of, a lot of conspiracies about this place. There's miles of underground bunker... Something going on that doesn't add up.

The earth is 'rounded' like a vert ramp, not flat or circular

Everyone's been wrong cuz it's it's it's not flat or circular. It's rounded. Slightly angled. Yeah. It's like a, a tent that catches a little bit of wind underneath it.

Earth is spinning faster and it is going to break our technology

Earth is back. There was an article that came out last Friday that said that the earth is now spending faster than it has before. Specifically on June 29th, midnight arrived 1.59 milliseconds sooner than expected. It is gonna fuck up technology.

I am going to win the $1.2 billion Mega Millions drawing

By this time tomorrow, I'm going to be 1.02 billion in debt with a B... I've worked my own way into that sort of situation. Cuz I went out to the store. I bought $500 worth of mega millions tickets... I've fairly confident that I'm going to win the drawing tomorrow night.

2023 will be the 'year of normality' and a return to normalcy

I'm gonna say that it's gonna be the year of just normality. A return to normalcy.

60% of bank robberies go unsolved

My theory about bank robbers is I think you get away with robbing banks way more than we're told... I think like 60% of bank robberies go unsolved. It's a great business model.

The James Webb telescope images are fake and look like a lava lamp

Those images... are freaking me out... but that could also just be some fucking scientists lava lamp and they just send it out and they're like, check this out guys... I did see this picture and I just said that's fake.