Takes

There are wooly mammoth bones and ivory worth millions in the East River

There's a bunch of treasure in the East River... wooly mammoth bones, tusks, ivory. It's treasure. Millions. Billions. The treasure is on East 65th Street next to the FDR Drive in the water... we're gonna try to go get it.

I am losing 25 pounds in 2023 for my 'hard body' year

2023 is a hard body year. I'm gonna get a hard body... I'm losing 25 pounds in 2023. Losing 25 pounds in 2023... January 1st, new me.

I may be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life due to a lone star tick bite

Turns out I must have stepped on a lone star tick nest... and I got bitten by a bunch of lone star tick larva... which the good news is the larva don't transmit Lyme's... but they can give you an Alpha-gal allergy. That means that Alpha-gal is in all red meat and dairy and I, I might be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life. I had to go vegan for a month before I get the test... I contracted veganism.

I take PEDs, but PEDs stands for 'Prioritize, Execute, and Dominate'

I take PEDs. Yeah. I prioritize, execute and dominate every, every fucking morning. Every morning... I'm completely fucking around guys.

The Denver airport was likely built by Nazis or the New World Order

Denver international airport airport built by Nazis, right? Well, it was built by the same person that or the same company that built the underground layer... There's a lot of, a lot of conspiracies about this place. There's miles of underground bunker... Something going on that doesn't add up.

The earth is 'rounded' like a vert ramp, not flat or circular

Everyone's been wrong cuz it's it's it's not flat or circular. It's rounded. Slightly angled. Yeah. It's like a, a tent that catches a little bit of wind underneath it.

2023 will be the 'year of normality' and a return to normalcy

I'm gonna say that it's gonna be the year of just normality. A return to normalcy.

60% of bank robberies go unsolved

My theory about bank robbers is I think you get away with robbing banks way more than we're told... I think like 60% of bank robberies go unsolved. It's a great business model.

The James Webb telescope images are fake and look like a lava lamp

Those images... are freaking me out... but that could also just be some fucking scientists lava lamp and they just send it out and they're like, check this out guys... I did see this picture and I just said that's fake.

Gundren Rockseeker and Sildar are likely drug mules

We should check on the supplies. Should we look at them? Like we might be drug mules in this situation. You know how they say, like in an airport, don't take anybody else's bag for them. Right.

Jake Marsh's character Cake feels like a narc/cop

I'm just going to, [Big Cat] is or what's his name? Jake, you got a little problem with your beer there. What happened? I don't know what's going on... He's a cop like you on the basketball court check to see if he's a cop... Cause he feels like a cop.

If I eat vegan for a month, soy will give me tits

Do you think there's a chance that the soil will make your hands even softer? No. They're going to give me tits. Like you— [inaudible].

Caucasians have only been on the planet for 6,000 years and were originally cave dwellers

Black people have been on the planet for 16,000 years. They say the Caucasian has only been on the planet for 6,000 years... light hair, light color, skin, light eyes, obviously a cave dweller. And it's because you had to come from you couldn't deal with the sun, your nose was elongated because it was cold.

A bone bruise stings at first but then you are fine because bones don't move

Yeah, no, like a bone bruise. Just like stings at first. ... And then it's like, it's a bone, so it doesn't really move. So it's like not really sore. So just to go with it. ... bones move, but muscles are moving the bone, the bone doesn't actually move

Bigfoot is currently in the state of Ohio

My last who's back is big foot. There's been pictures of a big foot sighting... I've tracked it down to Ohio. There was some Bama people claiming that they found them in Bama... but I just want to correct it and let you know that Bigfoot is currently in Ohio.

The object in the Alaska sky was a UFO shot out of the sky by the government

Many are saying that it might've been a UFO that was shot out of the street that they don't want us to know about. But the government is saying it was just a contrail. I think it has a lot to do with it. Something's going on.

The Liver King is shorter because he didn't go through the agricultural revolution

He's come for short too... Well, you see, he didn't go through the agricultural revolution. So he was, he's still the size of the early ancestor, tall for his era. You didn't go to the agricultural revolution yet.

COVID-19 causes the human spine to compress and makes you lose height

I used to be five nine, but then I got COVID now I'm five eight. Does it to your spine or does it compresses it... stay safe, I hope that you're vaccinated.

I will get a Warzone win before the new season or I'll get duct-taped to a wall

A month and a half ago I was playing War Zone... I was like I'll get a win before the new season comes out, which is next Monday or Tuesday... if I don't you'll get duct tape to wall. I was like absolutely. There's no doubt in my mind I'll get that win. No problem at all.

Weather should never be factored into betting over/unders

The weather's not going to—like, that's not going to be. I obviously have a lot of numbers and a lot of data points checking over in the rain. One of those data points is not weather. Not on over unders ever. No.

If you haven't been to the dentist in over three years, just never go again

Anyone who has not been there for more than three years, just never go again ever... she was the dental hygienist was just ripping up my mouth, blood everywhere. And she was like, if you did, if you came in every six months, none of this would have happened. And I was like, well, what if I just never came in again? None of this would've happened... I would recommend it to all of you... It is absolutely the worst.

Mickey Sudo might beat Joey Chestnut in the next Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Mickey Sudo only ate 45 hot dogs for the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. So she was able to eat way more bratwurst, even though they're bigger... if these trends are correct, Joey Chestnut might get knocked off this next hot dog eating contest. I'm just saying by a woman.

A silverback gorilla could defeat an elephant by choking it out

I'm going to go elephant versus silverback gorilla. If the elephant can fucking get on his back and get him in a chokehold... [A] gorilla can tap out an elephant.

The Pyramids of Giza were probably built by aliens

I'm going to go with the real pyramids, Pyramids of Giza... the greatest structural engineering ever done, probably done by aliens.

I can turn Ben Mintz into a 'lab rat turned muscle hamster' by controlling his diet and supplements

I now have the perfect opportunity [to] control all the variables and turn Ben Mintz into a lab rat turned muscle hamster... Basically I control all the variables. Like literally he's not going to be able to eat a meal without me. I'm going to pump this guy full of creatine, get him squatting heavy and see what happens.

Elephants think humans are cute in the same way we think puppies are cute

Elephants look at humans like humans look at puppies. Elephants think that humans are cute the same way we think puppies are cute because we're like small creatures to them.

I will have a visible six-pack by the end of the summer

I'll have a six pack. You will never have a six pack. Yes, I will. All right. Great. How much time? Give me a month. By the end of the summer. Six pack summer. You're going to have a visible six pack? Yes. No chance.

Jeff Bezos will disable his companies while in outer space to prank Earth

I think the Earth's actually in the hot seat for all that because it's bad news whenever the richest person on Earth decides to leave for a little bit. what better there will never be a better time for jeff bezos to disable all of his companies that we depend on for everything than when he's in outer space with his brother pissed off at his ex-wife.

Healthy workplaces should allow fighting to increase productivity

I think that healthy workplaces should allow fighting. Like if you get into a fight, if you know that fisticuffs are on the table and you can fight in the first 30 minutes of your Workday, you'll probably end up having more productive day after that, you're going to get all your frustration out.

I am officially bringing back the phrase 'Now that's paper'

I gotta start thinking about another phrase. I'm thinking now that's paper. I tried to bring back now that's paper while ago, but it feels, I feel like the times right now. Bet. I like bet.

Swimming is not a real sport, it is just a hobby to stay alive

I'll just say it. Swimming is not a real sport... It's a really good hobby. If you do it really fast, I'm not saying Michael Phelps isn't impressive. I'm saying swimming is not a sport... It's just a means of staying alive that you can be more efficient at.

I could break the underwater bench press record

The underwater bench press record was broken... repped it out 77 times, beating the previous record of 62 times. Only 110 pounds... it's more of just a holding your breath thing. So I'm kind of, you know, in the back of my head, I'm like, I could do that. I could break that record.

I am officially retiring from giving pregame speeches

I gave them [Tony Scheffler's team] a pump up speech before state quarterfinals. And then they lost by like 40. I'm retiring from the pregame speech. We'll stop doing speeches.

You are statistically less likely to have shrimp in your next box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Statistically, you're more less likely to have shrimp in your next box. [Big Cat: No, but it was zero] ... No, it's like once in a blue moon.

A rival cereal company planted shrimp in Jensen Karp's cereal to change the narrative

This could be a case of, I don't know, maybe a rival cereal company seeing that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was getting all that shine last week. They go into Costco in the dead of night with a box cutter and some tape and a couple of shrimp tails, and they just try to get the story out there to change the narrative.

If I get into a fight, I would be charged with murder because my hands are registered weapons

I got legal hands, I can't fight anybody. No seriously, like legally I'd get murder not manslaughter if I get into a fight with someone... because I was registered in a professional boxing match.

The United States is ending Daylight Savings Time permanently

The United States Senate is passing a bill saying that we're not going to do daylight savings time ever again. So your clocks stay where they are... It looks like we're not going to be changing our clocks this summer. Ever again. Ever again.

Zebras run toward grass fires because they can't outrun them

Zebras run towards grass fires because they know they can run through them and get to the other side that's burnt out because they can't outrun the fire.

The hosts are starting a strict 'no carbs' diet for February

Tomorrow, we're starting our diets. ... No carbs for the month of February. ... If you see a carb in my mouth, slap it out. Serious. Except for Saturdays. Those are cheat days.

I am going to buy an albino cobra

Bro, I went down to Florida, and I'm about to buy an albino cobra. ... Dude, they can ship it. ... [I'm] not going to bring COVID back [to the office].

I will never wrestle another match in my life

I'll never wrestle another match in my life... I'll say it. I'm done. Never's a long time [but] no, it ain't worth it... I got the wrestling bug out of my system.

2021 will be the year of hard bodies

Hard bodies in 2021. What does that mean? We're just going to get hard. Hell yeah. By the end of 2021, you will be able to bounce a quarter off my abs and ass. We're the next generation of being hard.

World Chase Tag is a superior concept to Parkour and should be an Olympic sport

I want a sport where if you tag a guy, there you go. Where there's a winner and there's a loser... It's basically parkour, but with an element of tag. That's an Olympic sport... This sport, this tag sport, is ten times the sport of handball.

Empty stadiums make games windier because there are fewer bodies to block it

I think no fans makes the stadiums windier. Okay, because there's fewer bodies to intercept and block off the wind. I feel like wind has been happening more, and this game was very windy and weird. I think the amount of people, yeah, I think no fans, more wind.

Platypuses are the only venomous mammals

Fun fact platypuses are the only mammal that are venomous... they are the only mammal that are venomous. How about that?

The seeds from China are 'murder gourds' designed to destroy American pumpkins and cancel Halloween

He planted him seeds and a gourd pops out. Personally I think that the gourd was... going to try to harm American gourds with some sort of disease or murder gourds. And guess what's a very American gourd? Pumpkin... trying to cancel Halloween exactly. Wow, and guess what? That's Because no pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. Oh my gosh trickle down. Christmas gets ruined.

Gardner Minshew is effectively the vaccine for COVID-19

My hot seat is the coronavirus. That's right. It's back on the hot seat because we've discovered a vaccine. And that's just being Gardner Minshew. Yeah. So Gardner Minshew tested positive and he said that the virus took one look at him and turn the other way.

You should definitely plant mystery seeds sent from China even if the government says not to

I saw the story over the weekend and I get the US government was saying do not plant seeds that come ship to you from China. Fuck that. If I get mystery seeds. The first thing I'm going to do is plant those.

I can no longer be a Navy SEAL because I am too famous from the podcast

I can't be in the special forces because too many people know my taste nowadays. And I wanted to be... it's actually really disappointing. Every time more people recognize me, it gets me really freaked out. I can't be a Navy SEAL.

If a bear can use nunchucks, a gorilla can fly a Black Hawk helicopter

It turns out that bears actually can use weapons... If a bear can pick up a nunchuck, a gorilla can pick up a fucking rocket launcher. A gorilla would be able to fly like a Black Hawk helicopter if a bear is able to use these martial art weapons.