Takes

Jumping at the last second in a falling elevator will save your life

If you're an elevator and it falls and you jump at the end, you survive... I just looked it up. It's not true. It's not true. You would die.

Chocolate milk comes from brown cows

I thought chocolate milk came from brown cows... I was up north driving past a brown cow and I pointed to my cousin, I said, you know, chocolate milk comes from those things.

Titties are a type of meat

Titties is meat. Great choice. ... They're made out of meat. ... Is it the Mount Rushmore meat that you eat? Fact or fiction. ... I enjoy looking at the meat.

Birds are not real and are actually government surveillance plants

Birds aren't real. They're government plant. Have you ever seen a bunch of birds go onto... Have you ever seen them on telephone wires? That's them charging. You've never seen a baby bird.

The female orgasm is a myth created by 'Big Orgasm'

The female orgasm. Not real. Big orgasm has been lying to you guys. Girls don't come. They just do it because they like to make us feel bad for coming too quick. Exactly... let's be honest, let's get real honest here. That shit's not real.

Shark attacks are not real and people just overreact to minor injuries

I don't think shark attacks are real. I just don't think they're real. I think someone hits their leg on like a coral reef or something. I don't believe them. I do not think they're real. I think someone... you're a bad swimmer. You probably stubbed your toe and then overreacted.

60% of bank robberies go unsolved

My theory about bank robbers is I think you get away with robbing banks way more than we're told... I think like 60% of bank robberies go unsolved. It's a great business model.

A silverback gorilla could defeat an elephant by choking it out

I'm going to go elephant versus silverback gorilla. If the elephant can fucking get on his back and get him in a chokehold... [A] gorilla can tap out an elephant.

The Pyramids of Giza were probably built by aliens

I'm going to go with the real pyramids, Pyramids of Giza... the greatest structural engineering ever done, probably done by aliens.

Animals likely understand everything we say but are collectively choosing to ignore us

What if all the animals actually understood what we were saying but just just ignoring us... like the minute they figure out that we know shit's gonna get crazy and they can't talk back.

I could take a boa constrictor in a wrestling match

I think I could take a boa constrictor. I don't think a boa constrictor could take down like a fucking well... I just punch it in its brain over and over. I would you kick a boa constrictor up doesn't have to take down a boa constrictor our python an anaconda might get you.

I can catch a fish with my bare hands in a river in Alaska

If I had a day on a river in Alaska, I could catch a fish with my hands. ... I've been watching a lot of Planet Earth. Their method is not that crazy. ... Give me enough time in Alaska.

Blue suits will be out of style in two years

I think in two years, everybody's been looking at their closet going, why do I have seven different blue suits? So I would get out of the blue suit game right now.

Masturbation makes you gay

This is a life advice that I've gotten. I don't know if it's true. Okay. But I was once told that masturbation makes you gay.

The sun is scientifically cold because space is cold

Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.

Diversify your investment by buying scratch tickets in multiple states to become a millionaire

On a road trip, little pro tip, you buy scratch tickets or lotto tickets at every single stop in multiple different states. It's called diversifying your investment. And you will then become a millionaire.

Apple purposefully sells iPhone chargers that break so you have to buy more

My number one [minor inconvenience] is buying iPhone chargers from, like, a gas station, and then when you plug them in, they just don't work... [Steve Jobs] basically has made a charger that cannot be duplicated... They have chargers that you can charge your iPhone once and it's just charged forever. They just won't sell them to us.