Takes

Space exploration isn't interesting until we actually land a human on Mars.

I kind of just don't care until we go to Mars. Call me when we're at Mars. I wanna see us on the moon again. How is that possible that we went on the moon in the sixties and we just never went back on it? Go to Mars or go back on the moon.

Inhaled 'Protein Hookah' will revolutionize bro culture

A doctor claims that inhaled protein enters the bloodstream faster and absorb more efficiently. It's kinda like weed. All I'm saying is like keep your eye on this technology. Because it has the opportunity to revolutionize bro culture.

Being the designated TV remote guy at a bar is a 10 out of 10 job

Had dinner at a local establishment last night and was informed that someone on staff was the designated TV remote guy to switch between games. No bartending, no waiting tables, just ball. 10 out of 10 job. You don't do this job without immense pride. It's the best job ever.

I am against prenups because marriage should be forever

I'm against prenups. Because if you're getting married, you're never—you're getting married to be together forever. If you really love someone, the money shouldn't matter.

If your relationship is built on the Chili's Triple Dipper, you will make it

If the foundation of your relationship is the Chili's Triple Dipper or bottomless chips and salsa, you're gonna make it. They're not thinking prenups or joint bachelorette parties.

My dream retirement is to hire a pitcher I can hit home runs off of every single day

My dream is to have like a shit load of land and build a baseball field... I wake up on a Tuesday at 9:00 AM, I go down to my baseball field. There's a pitcher down there who's gonna pitch me and I'm just gonna go fucking yard on him over and over and he's gonna be like, 'fuck, I don't have it today.'

Billionaires who don't own a professional sports team are losers

I've said it a million times, I think it's a very strong take. If you are a billionaire and you don't own a professional sports team, you're a loser. ... The only reason you get that much money is to go buy a team.

Lamar Jackson is a dream rotation choice to smoke weed with

You gotta put Lamar [Jackson] in the top tier, right? For sure. Lamar is absolutely the top tier of that. A hundred percent.

The 'Micro Retirement' trend is just Gen Z trying to rebrand regular vacations

There's a new fad for Gen Zers. It is called Micro Retirements. They involve taking a one to two week break from work every 12 to 18 months. They're basically just stealing [vacations]. It's also not enough. No, it's not enough. It's not enough. But that's, but you can't let them steal the word vacation. They're trying to change it to micro retirements. Yeah. That makes no sense. Yeah, it's crazy. They're trying to rebrand it.

Installing a soft serve ice cream machine in the office is a life-changing move

I reassessed my life and I realized that a life without constant access to soft serve ice cream is not a life I want to live anymore... I trade [shooting a diamond out of my dick] in a heartbeat. I mean a soft serve machine. It's like a, it's a gold mine. It's a dream of mine. It's the best. I love soft serve ice cream. It's so good. And it's good for you.

Being in a plane crash where no one dies is an awesome experience

Being in a plane crash where no one dies though. Rocks. ... I think it would've been awesome to be like, 'yeah, I was on a plane that flipped and blew up, but I survived.'

The era of working from home is over

Working from home's done. I'm gonna say he's right. ... I fundamentally, I understand working from home is awesome for a lot of people, but I do think that you lose... the younger generation is gonna lose out. ... Not working with other people and having the coalescence of ideas... you will lose out.

Sports should normalize a 24-hour window for sore losers to act out

I think we need to normalize more like bad losers. Like let 'em, let 'em be sore losers for a minute... I think we should have like a 24-hour hour shock clock for big games fans and, and players alike that anything they, they should be able to say whatever they want and it shouldn't count long term.

The speed of Google's new quantum chip suggests we are likely living in a computer simulation

Google says that one of the world's current fastest supercomputers would take 10 septillion years to complete that same challenge that Google's chip did in less than five minutes... it actually lends credence to the, the theory that we are living in one of an infinite number of computer simulations right now.

Being clean and smelling good is the mark of a loser

Being clean, smelling good is the mark of a loser. Your must should take over. I remember there was a team, I think it was Derek Dooley when he coached at Tennessee... he blamed it on the lack of shower discipline. That's a mark of a loser head coach right there.

Wedding guests should give a minimum of $100 — paying for your meal and drinks is the baseline

A hundred bucks is the minimum you give at a wedding. You gotta pay for your meal and the drinks. That's kind of what you do. $10 is — I would fucking send that back to the person.

Minnesota has the coolest collection of athletes of the last 20 years

Minnesota Sports because they recreated the old Randy Moss KG picture with Anthony Edwards and Justin Jefferson. And I know Minnesota sports are sad state, don't win things, but they might have like the coolest collection of athletes in the last 20 years, like compared to anyone else. They had KG, they had Randy Moss, they have Anthony Edwards, they have Justin Jefferson. They had Joe Mauer.

The first few weeks of college are the best time of your life and you should embrace it

Every year, no matter what, it's these last two weeks of August when I see kids going back to college, I'm like, fuck. That was, that's it. It is the fastest four years of your life. So just embrace it and like close your eyes and live in the moment. September is such a joke in college. You don't go to any of your classes. You don't have to worry about anything.

Following porn stars at 8 AM is way too early to be that horny

[Kyle Kuzma] waking up this morning... Kyle Kuzma is now following Ms. Thick Overload... that's a brutal one though... that's also way too early in the morning to be that horny... 8:00 AM to be following Ms. Thick Overload.

Human beings just become worms after they die

I think what happens after you die is you get eaten by worms. We all just become worms.

The July 4th holiday is ruined by Joey Chestnut's absence from the Nathan's hot dog contest

America's on the Hot Seat because it just dawned on me again that Joey Chestnut's not competing. That fucking sucks. One of the things that makes it the best holidays is just not gonna be there. And I think we all just need to be like ready for it because it's gonna suck beyond belief.

Smoking cigarettes is a valid and respectable strategy to quit vaping

Somebody reported that [Charlie Hull] is smoking cigarettes to help her quit vaping. Which respect? We've all been there. When you vape, you do it more often. The act of having to go outside [to smoke] is a very fair point.

Never have Bryce Harper help you with a promposal because he is too attractive

You don't wanna stand next to somebody way more attractive than you when asking such an important question... mission accomplished, but now did she say yes just because she wanted to give Bryce Harper a hug?

Snake is the greatest video game ever created

Snake was the greatest game ever created. Brick Breaker, probably a year of my career. My former career was Brick Breaker, just trying to beat it.

The solar eclipse was overrated

So my Hot Seat is us. We're still in the third dimension. I was kind of looking forward to it. So that was, it was gonna be cool throne, but I kind of was hoping we were in the hot fourth dimension. So, well, eclipse sucked, overrated eclipse.

I am not scared of Chicago winters after my first year living there

I just, I don't know. It, it's been incredible. There's been four bad days and two of them had playoff football on. I lived in Massachusetts, New Hampshire. Those are way worse. I'm not scared of the winter here. That's my point.

Grown men getting ice cream by themselves is actually great

Do you know grown men who go get ice cream by themselves? I don't. It's very strange. [Big Cat responding to Clay Travis quote] Literally all the time I get ice cream. I'm gonna do that as a protest tonight. I'm gonna get ice cream by myself... Ice cream by yourself is actually great.

Clear and TSA are intentionally making security lines longer and more difficult so they can force people to buy more expensive tiers like 'Clear Plus'

They're rebranding Clear as now Clear Plus. That implies another level coming... They're intentionally making it harder for TSA and Clear so that we are going to buy a new one. It's smart. Savvy by them.

The day you stop liking tits is the day you die

Sydney Sweeney's boobs... Which I was getting shamed for like, come on guys. The day you stop liking tits, kill me. I think and I die. I'm a red-blooded American male.

The return of the bubonic plague is a sign to not get a cat

I'm putting all of humanity on the hot seat because I read an article today that the bubonic plague is back. They found it in Oregon. Somebody caught it from their cat... maybe a reminder: don't get a cat now.

Romantically, things are not going to happen with Tiffany Gomas

I would like to, you know, set the record straight that we're not [dating]. ... we just kind of said, let's, let's just, you know, call a spade a spade and go our separate ways. ... I just think romantically it's not, it's not not gonna happen.

College is a sham where you just have to find the hacks and tricks to get through

College is a sham. It's a big trick. You just gotta get through the tricks. You just find tricks and then you're like, alright, this class is easy... I hit 120 [credits] the last second. It's really, college is like, can you find the, the hacks?

I will work twice as hard in the winter so I can work half as much in the summer for golf

All I said is that I'm gonna work twice as hard as the winter so that I don't have to work. I can work twice as less and all in the summer. In the summer. Right. And then it all evens out. ... Europe, Europeans do it. Right. They take midday naps, siestas.

Marijuana needs to be exactly half as strong as it is right now

The nerfing of the weed is going around right now... Which I actually think is wonderful. Yeah. I think it's, that's what weed needs to be. It needs to be exactly half as strong as it is right now. So you can still smoke it and do stuff.

Anyone who says 'I turned out fine' regarding their childhood trauma actually didn't turn out fine

Anyone who says I turned out fine, there you are. Not fine. About anything, anything. It could be like X Y, Z happened to me when I was a kid. I turned out fine. 'I smoked, my father made me smoke cigarettes when I was five years old. Look how I turned out.' I'm fine. Yeah, I'm great.

You shouldn't mess with the ocean at all; stay 20 feet from the beach

Just don't fuck with the ocean. ... In general, stay away from more than like 20 feet into the ocean. The beach is fine. Yeah. Beach is good. Everything else bad.

Anything over 60 degrees in England is considered boiling hot.

If you're a British person, you shouldn't be out in the sun to begin with. ... You have to judge it on a slid scale. Come on. Anything above over 60 degrees in England is, is boiling hot.

Pregnant people need to stop using weeks and start talking in months because nobody knows how far along 22 weeks is

My biggest problem with this was that he said 22 weeks and then I had to sit down and break down how pregnant that was my brain by doing math. That's what pissed me off. Just say months... I'm confused again. Four and a half, five months pregnant. That's so just be normal pregnant people. I'm begging you be just talk to me in months. Yes. I don't get weeks.

I would never tell my son I was on steroids because I'd want to keep dunking on him

If you're LeBron James and hypothetically if you had been taking HGH steroids... do you tell your son that... or does the dad instinct to always be able to beat your son in basketball supersede that? ... I would not tell Chris ever that I was on steroids cuz I'd just love Dunking on [him].

People who work office jobs and don't shower in the morning are weird

My hot seat is I guess how I shower because I shower in the morning... People working like a nine to five in an office, not showering in the morning. That's fucking weird. It wakes you up. It makes you feel clean. It makes you feel fresh.

Breakfast is unnecessary and takes up too much time

Intermittent fasting. Breakfast takes up too much time in the morning. Just like eating when you just wake up, do you do that? I think it would fall right with showers.

Anything done during the pandemic should be forgiven (Pandemic Amnesty)

My cool throne is pandemic amnesty. Turns out anything you do during the pandemic, we're all gonna forget about and forgive each other. I think anything should be forgiven. Like anything. No, but whatever it was, forgive me for it.

The rats run New York City, not the humans

I think the rats run the city. If you have to say that [the rats don't run the city], I think the rats run the city.

Humans are currently dominating the rivalry with bears following several viral fight videos

My cool throne is humans. Humans have been taking tons of Ws against bears and just dishing out bears Ls. There was a video of a dude fighting a bear and throwing him off a cliff. And then there was another story of two Wyoming wrestlers beating the shit out of a bear and surviving a grizzly attack. We're up on bears.

War should be replaced by a 'Space Olympics' where countries compete to blow up asteroids for mining rights

We drop so many bombs on Earth every day. Why don't we just throw all those bombs and blow something up and develop a point system and compete. Make it like a Space Olympics... and the winner gets like, I don't know, mining rights to certain natural resources. So your country is incentivized to get better at the Space Defenders game.

Magnus Carlsen is a 'baby back bitch' for quitting the chess tournament

And then they, they, they finally have another matchup yesterday and Magnus quits after one move. He retires. And he disconnects his entire computer. I might not be this goat thing might not be working out. He might, he might be baby back bitch.

Delaware is essentially just a file cabinet for corporations with nothing else of value in the state

We need to figure out what the fuck is going on in Delaware. It's America's file cabinet. ... Delaware has so much business that runs through it. Everything. And there's absolutely nothing inside that state with the exception of like two decent beach towns.

I would rather fall into a volcano than have to deal with the Apple Store

I would rather fall in a volcano than have to deal with the apple store. That's a fact.

Climbing Mount Everest is now effectively 'glamping'

Everest is also kind of glamping nowadays. No, I mean, but that actually makes it worse for him because Everest is not even cool anymore. Everyone climbs Everest. I remember when Everest was like, oh, don't climb Everest. You'll fucking die. Now everyone fucking climbs Everest. There's like huge lines. Yep.

Always buy the extra bag of chips because the joy far outweighs the cost

Always buy the extra bag of chips. It's bag, not pack, nice job Wall Street Journal... The small pleasures in life, they actually, they far outweigh their value. The amount of joy that you get out of those like two to $5, it's worth hundreds. The small things in life are worth more than the big things sometimes.