Takes

Billionaires who don't own a professional sports team are losers

I've said it a million times, I think it's a very strong take. If you are a billionaire and you don't own a professional sports team, you're a loser. ... The only reason you get that much money is to go buy a team.

Planet Earth could use an alien invasion to unite everyone.

I've said that about wars and aliens. I think Planet Earth could use a good alien invasion because we're sick of beating each other up. It would unite us. We're sick of hitting each other. We wanna take out [aliens].

Lamar Jackson is a dream rotation choice to smoke weed with

You gotta put Lamar [Jackson] in the top tier, right? For sure. Lamar is absolutely the top tier of that. A hundred percent.

Installing a soft serve ice cream machine in the office is a life-changing move

I reassessed my life and I realized that a life without constant access to soft serve ice cream is not a life I want to live anymore... I trade [shooting a diamond out of my dick] in a heartbeat. I mean a soft serve machine. It's like a, it's a gold mine. It's a dream of mine. It's the best. I love soft serve ice cream. It's so good. And it's good for you.

You can change an entire nation's perception of you just by knowing ball

Timothy Chalamet's proof that you can change an entire nation's perception of you by knowing Ball. If Osama Bin Laden would've declared his love for Miami Ohio's football program, we would've been like, you know, we can always just rebuild those towers.

The era of working from home is over

Working from home's done. I'm gonna say he's right. ... I fundamentally, I understand working from home is awesome for a lot of people, but I do think that you lose... the younger generation is gonna lose out. ... Not working with other people and having the coalescence of ideas... you will lose out.

Sports should normalize a 24-hour window for sore losers to act out

I think we need to normalize more like bad losers. Like let 'em, let 'em be sore losers for a minute... I think we should have like a 24-hour hour shock clock for big games fans and, and players alike that anything they, they should be able to say whatever they want and it shouldn't count long term.

The speed of Google's new quantum chip suggests we are likely living in a computer simulation

Google says that one of the world's current fastest supercomputers would take 10 septillion years to complete that same challenge that Google's chip did in less than five minutes... it actually lends credence to the, the theory that we are living in one of an infinite number of computer simulations right now.

Wedding guests should give a minimum of $100 — paying for your meal and drinks is the baseline

A hundred bucks is the minimum you give at a wedding. You gotta pay for your meal and the drinks. That's kind of what you do. $10 is — I would fucking send that back to the person.

Minnesota has the coolest collection of athletes of the last 20 years

Minnesota Sports because they recreated the old Randy Moss KG picture with Anthony Edwards and Justin Jefferson. And I know Minnesota sports are sad state, don't win things, but they might have like the coolest collection of athletes in the last 20 years, like compared to anyone else. They had KG, they had Randy Moss, they have Anthony Edwards, they have Justin Jefferson. They had Joe Mauer.

The first few weeks of college are the best time of your life and you should embrace it

Every year, no matter what, it's these last two weeks of August when I see kids going back to college, I'm like, fuck. That was, that's it. It is the fastest four years of your life. So just embrace it and like close your eyes and live in the moment. September is such a joke in college. You don't go to any of your classes. You don't have to worry about anything.

Human beings just become worms after they die

I think what happens after you die is you get eaten by worms. We all just become worms.

The July 4th holiday is ruined by Joey Chestnut's absence from the Nathan's hot dog contest

America's on the Hot Seat because it just dawned on me again that Joey Chestnut's not competing. That fucking sucks. One of the things that makes it the best holidays is just not gonna be there. And I think we all just need to be like ready for it because it's gonna suck beyond belief.

Never have Bryce Harper help you with a promposal because he is too attractive

You don't wanna stand next to somebody way more attractive than you when asking such an important question... mission accomplished, but now did she say yes just because she wanted to give Bryce Harper a hug?

Snake is the greatest video game ever created

Snake was the greatest game ever created. Brick Breaker, probably a year of my career. My former career was Brick Breaker, just trying to beat it.

The solar eclipse was overrated

So my Hot Seat is us. We're still in the third dimension. I was kind of looking forward to it. So that was, it was gonna be cool throne, but I kind of was hoping we were in the hot fourth dimension. So, well, eclipse sucked, overrated eclipse.

I am not scared of Chicago winters after my first year living there

I just, I don't know. It, it's been incredible. There's been four bad days and two of them had playoff football on. I lived in Massachusetts, New Hampshire. Those are way worse. I'm not scared of the winter here. That's my point.

Grown men getting ice cream by themselves is actually great

Do you know grown men who go get ice cream by themselves? I don't. It's very strange. [Big Cat responding to Clay Travis quote] Literally all the time I get ice cream. I'm gonna do that as a protest tonight. I'm gonna get ice cream by myself... Ice cream by yourself is actually great.

The day you stop liking tits is the day you die

Sydney Sweeney's boobs... Which I was getting shamed for like, come on guys. The day you stop liking tits, kill me. I think and I die. I'm a red-blooded American male.

Romantically, things are not going to happen with Tiffany Gomas

I would like to, you know, set the record straight that we're not [dating]. ... we just kind of said, let's, let's just, you know, call a spade a spade and go our separate ways. ... I just think romantically it's not, it's not not gonna happen.

I will work twice as hard in the winter so I can work half as much in the summer for golf

All I said is that I'm gonna work twice as hard as the winter so that I don't have to work. I can work twice as less and all in the summer. In the summer. Right. And then it all evens out. ... Europe, Europeans do it. Right. They take midday naps, siestas.

Marijuana needs to be exactly half as strong as it is right now

The nerfing of the weed is going around right now... Which I actually think is wonderful. Yeah. I think it's, that's what weed needs to be. It needs to be exactly half as strong as it is right now. So you can still smoke it and do stuff.

Anyone who says 'I turned out fine' regarding their childhood trauma actually didn't turn out fine

Anyone who says I turned out fine, there you are. Not fine. About anything, anything. It could be like X Y, Z happened to me when I was a kid. I turned out fine. 'I smoked, my father made me smoke cigarettes when I was five years old. Look how I turned out.' I'm fine. Yeah, I'm great.

Attempting to drink all 21 cocktails on a menu during a vacation is a legendary way to die

My cool throne is travel because there's a headline in the New York Post today. Man dies after trying to drink all 21 cocktails on menu during family vacation in Jamaica. That rocks... Dude's rock. That guy traveled his balls off... I mean that's, that's an all time way to go out.

People who work office jobs and don't shower in the morning are weird

My hot seat is I guess how I shower because I shower in the morning... People working like a nine to five in an office, not showering in the morning. That's fucking weird. It wakes you up. It makes you feel clean. It makes you feel fresh.

Breakfast is unnecessary and takes up too much time

Intermittent fasting. Breakfast takes up too much time in the morning. Just like eating when you just wake up, do you do that? I think it would fall right with showers.

Anything done during the pandemic should be forgiven (Pandemic Amnesty)

My cool throne is pandemic amnesty. Turns out anything you do during the pandemic, we're all gonna forget about and forgive each other. I think anything should be forgiven. Like anything. No, but whatever it was, forgive me for it.

The rats run New York City, not the humans

I think the rats run the city. If you have to say that [the rats don't run the city], I think the rats run the city.

War should be replaced by a 'Space Olympics' where countries compete to blow up asteroids for mining rights

We drop so many bombs on Earth every day. Why don't we just throw all those bombs and blow something up and develop a point system and compete. Make it like a Space Olympics. And we like compete with like other countries and space programs. And the winner gets like, I don't know, mining rights to certain natural resources.

Magnus Carlsen is a 'baby back bitch' for quitting the chess tournament

And then they, they, they finally have another matchup yesterday and Magnus quits after one move. He retires. And he disconnects his entire computer. I might not be this goat thing might not be working out. He might, he might be baby back bitch.

Climbing Mount Everest is now effectively 'glamping'

Everest is also kind of glamping nowadays. No, I mean, but that actually makes it worse for him because Everest is not even cool anymore. Everyone climbs Everest. I remember when Everest was like, oh, don't climb Everest. You'll fucking die. Now everyone fucking climbs Everest. There's like huge lines. Yep.

Neon is officially back this summer

I feel like this summer neon is back. The eighties are coming back. Like for real, it's going to be crazy... I do think that this is the summer where everyone's like, man, finally COVID is over. We're going to do neon now. And look, it's been enough time where you can look at us. Neon looks good if you have a tan, it just does.

Getting hit in the nuts is worse than childbirth

Women don't realize that childbirth is not that hard when you've gotten hit in the nuts. Your balls feel like they're going to explode and your stomach feels like it's going to cave inside of itself. It's like having all of your periods at once.

Every pro athlete should be allowed to beat up one fan per year

If we just had my rule of every single player in every sport gets to pick out one fan a year and peat every living shit out of him, sports would be more fun.

I want to invent soundproof 'fart pants' for airplanes

My idea was to get fart pants, to invent fart pants. And it would just consist of pants that were soundproof. So you could wear them... when I fart on an airplane, it's never smelly. It doesn't stink. It's just air. And it's just super loud.

Never mess with a family from the former Yugoslavia

As a general rule of thumb, don't fuck with any family from the former Yugoslavia. It's great just because it's taking this... Yeah, they're like if the Ryan twins were in the movie Taken.

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet. They're not trustworthy... A monkey is just, it's basically you buy a monkey, it sits in your house, and it's just you set the timer for when it decides it wants to rip your face off. That's all it is.

You cannot be a diehard fan of two rival teams from the same city

I agree with this premise, by the way. If you are a diehard fan of one team from your hometown, you can't be a diehard fan of the equal and opposite team from that hometown... if you're John Cusack and you grew up in Chicago... he's a guy that should only be able to pick one of those two teams.

You need at least $50 million in the bank to successfully use your parents' wealth to get out of jail

He was screaming like, my parents have $2 million. That's a lot of money, but it's also not like... I feel like if you're trying to get out of jail for free, your parents have to have like $50 million.

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

Replacing snow days with remote learning is a terrible decision for the youth

The New York City public schools will have remote learning instead of snow days next year... that's just terrible. I feel bad for the youth.

I can beat up any 10-year-old in the entire world

I think that I could beat up any 10-year-old in the country. Probably the world. I don't think that there's a 10-year-old in the world whose ass I couldn't kill... Pre-puberty, I could defeat any 10-year-old in the world.

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just bad decision making regardless of COVID protocols

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just in general, not a smart idea. Sunday's not a good strip club day... a smart quarterback in my book would either go Monday for $5 buckets or you go on Thursday for the lunch steak and shrimp combo.

Outside beer season is the best beer season

Outdoor beers. It's outdoor beer season. When it's snowing outside, when it's cold, you don't have to take up space in your refrigerator, you leave the beers outside. It's God's refrigerator. You crack open a beer directly from your porch and it tastes colder than it does on the fridge. It's the best season of all.

Fraser Fir is the only acceptable Christmas tree; do not buy Douglas Fir or Spruce

Bottom line is get yourself a Fraser fir. Don't go for Douglas fir. Don't let them talk you into a fucking spruce. Worst of all, go with a Fraser fir as a former Christmas tree salesman, I can tell you. Actually, no one's ever a former Christmas tree salesman. For life.

Crutches are useless because they hurt your armpits more than your foot

I'm putting a man named... Emil Schlick in 1917. He invented the crutch and I'm saying the crutch is useless. It is my armpits are more sore than my foot.

The sighting of a white spirit bear in Canada is a sign of good things to come

Cool throne all of us because there was a white spirit bear spotted in Canada, which is a sign of good things to come. Yeah, so cool throne all of us. White bears are here. Yeah, like it's a phenotype of a Grizzly where it has white fur. Hell yeah.

If you don't believe aliens exist, you are an idiot

if you don't think that aliens exist your fucking moron. What does it like that seems like such an obvious thing. I guess. He's more passionate about it, but I would say the people who are like, oh, yeah, there's no aliens there there the idiots.

Digging up old draft prospect tweets is the lamest thing you can do

I actually think there's nothing lamer than plotting ahead and trying to fuck up the biggest night of somebody's life because they had some weird tweets... if you're 13 and you're not tweeting out crazy stuff, you're not taking enough chances.

There is a Blake of the Year curse

So it's time to ask, is there a Blake of the Year curse? You've got Griffin [surgery]. Bortles got traded. He moved teams... and went bald.