Takes

Playing mini-golf more than 10 times a year makes you a psychopath

If you play mini golf more than 10 times a year, you're probably a psychopath. Mini golf is fun on vacation, but you realize after 10 holes, you're like, I've had enough mini golf.

Loneliness is healthier if you smoke 15 cigarettes a day to make friends

loneliness has the same effect on morality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day... so if you're lonely, just smoke a bunch of cigarettes and you'll actually be healthier [because you'll make friends outside].

Jesus is the greatest comeback in history

My first one is going to be Jesus... Jesus got crossed up, came back three days later. Pretty impressive. Saved all of humanity. So a little disrespectful on your guys' account, not picking Jesus, number one.

Blogging is just as hard of a sport as playing in the NFL

I think blogging is just as hard of a sport as football. My brain is mush. I will actually give you that. You guys are in your working stage... We're business people.

You could walk onto an Amtrak train with a bomb and no one would stop you

I hate to say this because I imagine some people are going to hear this... You could walk onto this train with a bomb... I'm talking about a sign that says, I have a bomb, and nobody would ask any questions.

Bike sharing programs are an eyesore and will block sidewalks

In my town, you're done with it, you leave it. Doesn't matter where... Just throw it on the side of the road... You can't even walk on the sidewalk... You will eventually have to jump over these.

NFL players miss out on all the fun parts of the fall because of the schedule

All the cool shit happens on a fall Saturday night. All my buddies hit me up and I get the worst FOMO sitting in the hotel... I could have been having a drink with Kenny Powers [Danny McBride] and I'm in a hotel [in Buffalo].

Sitting on a winning bet ticket is one of the best feelings in the world

My number four will be when you're sitting on a winning bet ticket. So like when you bet the Capitals and win the Stanley Cup and you know that it's our year and you're just like, I have $1,500 free money.

I will never race Darren Rovell in a marathon

Darren Rovell has challenged me to a marathon. It is the dumbest challenge ever... You could triple dog, quadruple dog, infinity dog dare me to run a marathon, and I'll just sit there and be like, no, because it looks awful.

Short people are being weeded out by natural selection

[Speaker 3] (1:21:17-1:21:25) No, if you look back in history, the human species has gotten taller as time has gone on, so the short people have been weeded out.

Baggy clothes will eventually come back into fashion

Everything is going to come full circle. The baggy clothes... I still have my Coogee sweaters. And they're starting to slowly come back. It's going to all come back, bro.

Real dinosaurs will be recreated within five years

A famed paleontologist, Dr. Jack Horner... came out and said that we're only five years from actually recreating real dinosaurs. Using chickens.

Learn how to dunk before you turn 30, because you won't be able to after

Learn how to dunk. Like, you're not going to be able to dunk when you're over 30. Because, I mean, if I had tried to dunk, I never tried to dunk under 30. So I don't even know if I could have dunked. I probably could have. Now it's too late.

There is no one in the world who can beat me in a combined competition of every single sport

It also helps my longstanding theory that there is no one in the world who can beat me in every single sport. I'm talking every single sport, like darts, skiing... [Justify] can't beat me in basketball... I'll cross him up.

A cup becomes a bowl once it is wider than it is long

I think it's when it's wider than it is long. When it becomes a chode. When it's a chode, it's a bowl.

Getting an honorary doctorate makes JJ Watt think he's an actual medical doctor

JJ Watt thinks that getting an honorary doctorate makes him an MD. He's actually a doctor now... He literally thinks that he can go and operate on someone. When he's next on a plane and someone has a stroke or a heart attack, 'Is there a doctor on this plane?' JJ's like, 'Yes, that's me.'

I use Grindr to find guys with good haircuts to ask where they get groomed

I signed up for a Grindr account on my phone and then I found the guys that I thought had the best looking haircuts and I messaged them to ask them all where they got their haircuts... It's foolproof.

Grit is defined by being relentless and having maniacal work habits

For me it's it's very simple and we talk to our players about all time it's about being relentless. We talk about intensity. We talk about maniacal work habits and going about it, determination, teamwork, all those things, toughness, hardness about ourselves. Those are the things that we describe grit to.

You should never hand someone your phone to show them a picture

You have to be an absolute psycho to hand someone else your phone. You've got to do the holding your phone and scrolling for them. You never give anyone anyone your phone.

Wisconsin cities are the Mount Rushmore of drunks

USA Today ranked the top 10 drunkest cities in America... seven [were from Wisconsin]. Green Bay is number one, Eau Claire, Appleton, Madison. They have all four of the top four. They are the Mount Rushmore of drunks.

Diet is more important than working out for weight loss

It's no secret when people say it's actually not about working out, it's about the diet, because what happens is... because I went to the gym, I was like, I can eat anything I want. And then I ate way worse than I normally would have.

Grit Week 2018 will be the best one of all time

Grit Week starts this weekend. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but it's the best Grit Week of all time. A lot of people are saying it's the most attractive, the best. It's tremendous. It's a tremendous, tremendous great week.

Swallowing shit in a capsule is much worse than just eating it normally.

That honestly sounds worse than eating shit. You've gone so far to just something that could be over in two seconds, but okay. Are you going to put it in yourself? You have to... putting the shit in the capsule yourself.

Every woman past the age of 22 adds one pillow to her bed every year

I think it's just every woman who gets past the age of 22 decides that every year they're alive, they need to add one pillow to their bed. And then just eventually they end up with an entire house of pillows. And you're not allowed to sleep on them.

Brooklyn bourbon is a superior product and better than Kentucky bourbon

Brooklyn bourbon... it's actually been rated as being better than Kentucky bourbon, and it's a superior product. And people from Kentucky are too dumb to realize it.

Filling up your gas tank more often for $20 saves you $60 compared to an $80 full tank

You're saving yourself 60 bucks because you're only paying 20. So I think Shaq's right. Yeah. Okay. All right.

'I had diarrhea' and 'Our country's national debt' are the two best excuses of all time

Listen, as far as I'm concerned, the two best excuses of all time are, I had diarrhea. Nobody asks you any more details. ... and, hey, do you know how much money we owe to China? What the fuck does it matter?

We should nuke aliens immediately if we find them

If we find a planet with aliens on them, we just nuke the planet immediately. Can't take that chance. They definitely have better weapons than us. We should become the aliens that we're afraid of coming to us.

Swallowing gum is completely normal and no different than eating candy

I'm trying to educate the world that it's not, you can swallow [gum]. It's the same thing as candy. It's the same thing as a Tootsie Roll. It's the same thing as a piece of licorice. Once the flavor goes away, you swallow it.

Dating a man named Tristan, Tyler, or Travis is asking to get cheated on

This is what happens when you date a guy named Tristan. You're kind of asking for it. Double T. Tristan, Tyler, or Travis, if you date any one of those three, and Tyler can be a boy or a girl, you're asking to get cheated on. Trev and Trav are definitely guys who are just guys being dudes. And what do guys being dudes do? They get horny.

Rocks are squishy until someone touches them

What if rocks are squishy until someone touches it? ... Whoa. It took you a second but now whoa that's crazy that's like they're all just a bunch of squishy starfish and then you touch it and it's hard it gets real hard.

We should harness the power of tectonic plates using 'Groundmills' for energy

Groundmills. We harness the power of the Earth's tectonic plates... We just put a windmill that moves. It's a giant blade. And so whenever the fault lines shift, it pushes this huge blade that makes electricity for everybody.

If you want bigger arms, you should focus on your triceps instead of your biceps

If you want bigger arms first, I would focus on triceps because they're a bigger, meatier muscle. And you probably will do, like, more pressing movement, so you'll get bigger everything kind of.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.

DNA is just the human body's way of cloning itself

It's [DNA] a human body's way of just cloning itself. [On genes being passed down]

A child's athleticism depends on how 'athletic' the sex was at conception

I think it has more to do with how athletic the sex was when you actually were conceived. So if you're in a weird position, if you got like a leg up on a table, you're both sweating a lot, then you're going to have a really, really fast baby.

Banks should show you your recurring monthly charges so you can see where you're wasting money

How come when I log into my Bank of America account... all I really want to see is what my recurring monthly charges are? Because I'm sure I'm probably spending $200 a month on stuff that I don't use anymore. How come banks just haven't figured out a way to be like, hey, here's what you're wasting money.

Stress makes your neck wider

I read a quote that you [Buzz] said you think stress makes your neck wider. Is that true? [Buzz:] Yeah. I got the widest neck possible then.

There is too much sugar in the world and not enough salt (truth-tellers)

There's not a lot of truth tellers in the world anymore. And so sometimes instead of saying the entire truth, people say a portion of the truth and then try to say something maybe that's kind of sweet so it's not offensive... There's a little too much sugar, and sometimes it doesn't have to be sugar. We just need to tell the truth.

I could kill a man with a football from 10 yards away

If a guy's standing right there and I threw a football at his head, I think I could kill him. ... Deadly within probably 10 yards, I'd imagine.

It is an honor to be invited to the White House regardless of political views

If we win the World Series, am I going to the White House? I think it's an honor to be invited to the White House. No matter your political view or whatnot, there's a lot of history there.

Millennials drink craft beer that sucks just because they think it's cool

Millennials are very relevancy-driven. Millennials will drink a craft beer that sucks because it's cool. ... Millennials don't react to logical things. They react to what is cool.

Peeing in the sink is the most environmentally friendly bathroom habit

Peeing in the sink is actually the greenest way to go, so you're welcome. Instead of wasting 1.6 gallons of water on a flush, you pee in the sink. You then wash your hands in the very same sink, simultaneously washing down the urine and preserving nature's most precious resource.

Pooping with the door open is an alpha move

I love pooping with the door open. That's a real man thing. Because you have a master of your domain kind of thing. I'm watching over everything while I take a shit.

Morning sex is the best kind of sex, especially in a hotel

I'm going to go on the record. Morning sex is the best sex there is. Hotel sex. In the morning. Ooh. Double threat.

Men and women should never stop grooming their pubic hair

What is the age where it is normal that you stop shaving or waxing your pubes? ... Never is the answer. ... I think you always ... Guys and girls. You got to keep it together down there. I mean, would you let your lawn just go unkempt?

October is the best sports month, but March is a close second

I think October is probably my favorite month in terms of sports because you have football and baseball playoffs. But March is pretty close because there is nothing like wall-to-wall college basketball and championship week.

Las Vegas hotels should build CamelBak hoses into the walls next to beds for hungover guests

Everyone's been so drunk that the next morning... you realize that you are so thirsty that you could basically drink the entire ocean... so this is more of an idea for Vegas... they need to build those camelback hoses into the wall and just so they pop out right underneath your bed. So you can just wake up, open your mouth, and then you just squeeze it.

A signature on an item technically turns it into an open-ended contract worth infinity

I have the answer for you. It's because whatever you sign, that technically becomes a contract at that point. So if I hand you a piece of paper with my signature on it, you could, after the fact, go and fill in a contract above my signature. So it's actually worth infinity.