Takes

Angela Duckworth is just monetizing the fact that untalented people are too dumb to quit

I saw who wrote the study and it was Angela Duckworth Who is the lady that wrote the grit book. She is grit exploitation. She is the big grit industrial complex. Most of us out there learn to appreciate grit because we had to because we lack talent and sports... we're also dumb enough to not quit. So therefore that's a good quality and I'm going to call it grit and she comes along and she's trying to make money off it.

If you ever have to publicly state 'I am not an idiot,' there is a high probability that you are actually an idiot

[Matt Nagy] also said in his press conference, 'I know we need to run the ball. I'm not an idiot.' If you have to say 'I'm not an idiot,' you might be an idiot at any point in life. Really. If at any point you have to just beg and plead to inform people that you're not [an idiot], you probably are.

Humanity is on the hot seat because Boston Dynamics is creating robot super soldiers to replace us

My hot seat is humanity. Humanity officially on the hot seat because Boston Dynamics just released a video of another robot. This one's doing like parkour he's doing 360 degree spins jumps Landings. It just they're essentially creating super soldiers.

Jeff Bezos remains bald to keep the 'fire within' to destroy the world

Bald guys are angrier... I think he keeps himself bald to keep that Fire Within. If he had his hair he be like everything's perfect. Why would I build a bunch of robot drones that could kill the world?

Short, bald men are perpetually angry because the world has given them nothing

Bald guys are angrier. It's like bald and short they're just angry at the world because the like the world the world has not given them anything... Walden short guys are just angry all the time.

Complaining on Twitter about your food being stolen is a dickhead move

I'm blaming her [Lizzo] for complaining online about it because that's a dickhead thing to do. As a fellow curvy person, you never want to tweet about your food not being there... I feel like you're just setting yourself up to get dunked on.

Vaping is about to see a spike in use because it has become 'rebellious' again

My cool throw is vaping because there's been a real spike... in vaping deaths. So now vaping has kind of turned the corner. It's like it's a bad boy thing... well now vaping has entered that realm because it's killing people... I think it's going to see a spike in use.

People in Australia greet each other by eating ass as casually as a handshake

In Australia you eat ass like you're shaking hands. That's a classic hello.

Larry the Goldfish will finish higher in the Las Vegas Supercontest than thousands of humans

Larry... will do better than thousands of people in the Las Vegas [Supercontest]. He makes five picks a week... you can say that you own a gambling goldfish that will do better than thousands of people.

Dentists are scams

As far as I'm concerned, dentists are scams.

If you are over 13 years old and you complain about anything in a scrimmage, you are soft

Good rule of thumb is if you're playing in any sort of game and he sort of scrimmage that isn't an actual regular season game for a professional League just don't complain about shit. Stop complaining about stuff in practice.

Home Depot is the ultimate masculine experience if you don't ask for help

I successfully went to Home Depot and got what I needed without asking anyone. And there's no better feeling in the world. You feel like the manliest man that's ever walked Earth. It took me about 25 minutes to find the wood glue, but I did it.

Feral hogs are a legitimate national problem that needs to be addressed

Someone brought up a very actually the the like the most fair point that's ever been brought up he was like what about the 30 to 50 feral hogs that run in my backyard and terrorize my children... apparently they're a real problem they just run and just they will kill you they're mad they're insane so we need to do something about the feral hogs.

Fans building cup snakes at Wrigley Field are actually doing a favor to the recycling staff

We're talking about cup snakes where people are actually recycling. They're doing a favor to the Wrigley Field staff. They're collecting all the cups for them so they don't have to go around and get them after the game.

Next summer will be even hotter than this year's record-breaking summer

It's the hottest summer ever. That's a fact. Again, it'll be even hotter next year. Next summer.

I am in favor of the 'footballization' of every other sport

I'm in support of the footballization of any other sport. I want there to be a [challenge] flag. I want there to be the footballization of any other sport.

Cam Newton needs to offer $50,000 for a first-class seat upgrade, not $1,500

Cam Newton offering $1,500 cash to someone sitting in first class on a flight to France. No one ever would do that deal. You have to offer twenty thousand dollars, thirty thousand dollars. Cam Newton is going to make $140 million currently. He has to offer $50,000.

The 'Dad Bod' trend is a total lie

Dad bod is such a lie... You love Seth Rogen because he's so funny and he gets high and he makes funny movies. That's not what every other dad bod [is]. We're dad bods because we're lazy and we're grumpy and we suck. At everything.

Human civilization is highly likely to end by the year 2050

So good old science came out with a report today, and it said that it's highly likely that human civilization will end in 2050.

Humanity is fundamentally 'fucked' and there is no saving us

We are a staunchly we are fucked podcast because we are fucked. We want to fuck humanity. Recycle all of humanity.

Rich people smell better than everyone else

Rich people just smell better. They look better. They smell better. They have everything that's better.

Rich people don't have locks on their bathroom doors because they are too wealthy to care if someone walks in

One thing I noticed from those experiences, rich people don't have locks on their bathroom. Oh, because you don't have to have a lock. It's like, oh, you walked in on me shitting? I don't care. I can buy and sell you.

The 'failed son' phenomenon is a real thing when you are a famous celebrity's child.

Yeah. What's the saying? It's like the first one builds it. The second one maintains it. The third one destroys it.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

All porn history will be public knowledge within 10 years

I'm very long woke on the fact that eventually all of our porn history is going to come out. Within 10 years, you're going to know what kind of porn your president watches.

The world will be completely over in 150 years

I am 100% one of those people now that thinks the world's going to be done in 150 years. ... People who are saying we'll figure it out, it's too late. We have not figured it out.

The world will be over in 15 years

I think take away the zero [from 150 years]. Oh, 15. ... [The world's] done.

El Chapo will escape from prison because no jail in the world can actually contain him

If [El Chapo] is not already escaped, you think that there's a jail in the world that can contain El Chapo?

FaceTiming is terrible and no one over the age of 22 wants to do it

If you're over the age of 22, you never want to take the FaceTime. FaceTiming is terrible.

"Fuck it, let's just do it and be legends" is an awesome model for life.

We can pretend like we are scrupulous, but I would say that 'fuck it, let's just do it and be legends' is a pretty awesome model for life.

It is never against the law to eat food that you found on the road

They're just trying to scare you. Don't listen to them. It's never against the law to eat food that you found on the road. Actually, as a taxpayer in Alabama, that's your food.

You should be allowed to walk your dog in just boxers and slippers before 9 AM

If you have a dog and it's before 9 a.m., you should be able to walk on the street in just boxers... boxers and slippers. And people can't say anything. It's the dog walking rule.

If you don't believe in witchcraft and its protective powers, you're crazy

The cool throne is witchcraft. If you don't believe in this stuff, you're crazy. Because Jack Dorsey... sent in his beard hair to get himself protection against ISIS. Seems like it worked.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.

2019 will officially be the Year of the Core

2019 year of the core. The core helps, sets up everything else. So it's going to be back. My core wasn't ready for the workload that I put on it. [In] 2019, the core is going to be back.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

The holiday season officially starts right now (November 14th)

My cool throne is actually for everyone who wants to get drunk all the time, because I think we can officially say it's holiday season. Starting right now.

Football season is a legitimate legal excuse to postpone jury duty

[The jury duty official] asked me, he's like, so what's your excuse? I was like, well, it's football season and I got a lot of travel and football season. And he's like, okay... so come back after the Super Bowl. Shout out to that guy for taking 'it's football season' as a legitimate excuse for not wanting to be on jury.

An indoor full-court basketball court is the best amenity a sports fan can have in their home

Basically full court indoor basketball trumps all. [I'd take that over] a putting green in your backyard or a half court in your house. [It's better than] two lanes of a bowling alley in your house.

If you get arrested, you should drop the name of a mid-level officer rather than the President

If you get arrested, you want to drop a name. It's kind of the inverse of what you think it should be. You want to drop the smallest name possible that the guy would recognize. Like you want to drop the name of his slightly superior officer. You don't want to go straight to the top with the president.

Tom Brady is allowed to have a dad bod because he is a father of three with multiple rings

he does have a dad bod. He is like 44 or something. Yeah, he's allowed to have a dad bod. I think once you get three Super Bowl rings. And you're married to the world's most successful supermodel. It's okay to have a dad bod.

French kissing animals is completely fucked up.

Slipping your dog some tongue, that's fucked up. That's an issue, yes.

Real dinosaurs will be recreated within five years

A famed paleontologist, Dr. Jack Horner... came out and said that we're only five years from actually recreating real dinosaurs. Using chickens.

IPAs give you man boobs because they are full of estrogen

It feels like the weirdest things have estrogen in them, right? Like IPAs now give you tits. [PFT: Yeah, well, that's been true for a while.]

You should only pay cash at Chili's to keep your meal untraceable

Chili's is a cash establishment. You don't bring plastic into this equation. Cold, hard cash is the name of the game. You want to have your meal at Chili's be untraceable. That's on you if you paid with a card.

Wisconsin cities are the Mount Rushmore of drunks

USA Today ranked the top 10 drunkest cities in America... seven [were from Wisconsin]. Green Bay is number one, Eau Claire, Appleton, Madison. They have all four of the top four. They are the Mount Rushmore of drunks.

The Egyptian pyramids were built just to keep the Jewish people busy

The Egyptian pyramids were just a way to keep Jewish people busy. So Pharaoh was just like, I need something to do to keep these guys busy and build these fucking rock piles.

Peeing in the sink is the most environmentally friendly bathroom habit

Peeing in the sink is actually the greenest way to go, so you're welcome. Instead of wasting 1.6 gallons of water on a flush, you pee in the sink. You then wash your hands in the very same sink, simultaneously washing down the urine and preserving nature's most precious resource.

Cloning your dog is a 'spooky' mistake because the environment and soul will be different

I don't think I would clone my dog. ... You'd raise it in a different environment, so it'd be a little bit different. And then you'd look at it when it wasn't acting like your old dog and be like, 'Who are you? You aren't my dog.' There's something spooky going on here.

Mutts have stronger genes than purebred dogs because they possess the best traits of all other breeds

Mutts get no respect. Come on. Here's a fun fact about mutts. Their genes are so much stronger because they've got all the best traits of all the other dogs, so they don't ever get sick.