Takes

Massive monuments are the best because they prove you 'really ran shit' while alive

I think the best monuments are the big, giant ones. That's how you know you really ran shit when you were alive. You've got a statue that's three or four times the size of you.

The St. Louis Gateway Arch is the worst monument in the world

I have my nominee for the worst. The Arch in St. Louis. Yes, that one sucks. Like, hey, let's just put like a big piece of metal on your front lawn. It looks like a leftover part from the air conditioner.

The Midwest does not need a 'gateway' monument

It's called, what, the Gateway to the Midwest? Does the Midwest really need a gateway? No. Nobody's out there, like, wondering, am I in the Midwest yet? If you're being served a pizza that has ketchup instead of tomato sauce, you know you're in the Midwest.

The Tuesday after Labor Day is the best day of the year

I'm happy that none of us fell into the trap of saying the Tuesday after Labor Day because that actually is the best day of the year because that means all football is back. You have the Thursday night football, then Saturday college, Sunday, then double Monday night. That's the fucking best. That's like literally my favorite day of the year.

Playing mini-golf more than 10 times a year makes you a psychopath

If you play mini golf more than 10 times a year, you're probably a psychopath. Mini golf is fun on vacation, but you realize after 10 holes, you're like, I've had enough mini golf.

The United States should build an Autobahn with no speed limits

I think we're missing out on an Autobahn, and there's a lot of places that you could put it and just do away with the speed limit.

The national drinking age should be lowered to 18

I'd make the drinking age 18... Because everyone's drinking when they're 18 anyway, so why not just make it legal?

Men should never prioritize dates or partners over spending time with friends on a Saturday

My fourth law is simple. It's just bros before hosts... if we're just trying to chill with the boys, don't be like, 'oh, I'm going on a date with my girlfriend.' Especially if it's a Saturday.

Sitting on a winning bet ticket is one of the best feelings in the world

My number four will be when you're sitting on a winning bet ticket. So like when you bet the Capitals and win the Stanley Cup and you know that it's our year and you're just like, I have $1,500 free money.

Taking a game on the road and ripping the heart out of the opponent's fans is the best feeling in sports

Taking a game on the road and ripping your opponent's heart out in front of their fans, there's nothing like it in all the sports.

Joining MMA classes is a major sign of a midlife crisis

I would say MMA classes are high up there for midlife crisis. And it would happen to me. I was like, you know what? I used to do this a little bit when I was younger... I signed up. I went to the class.

Getting a girlfriend half your age is a telltale sign of a midlife crisis

You got to get the young girlfriend that's like half your age and everyone looks at you like, what the fuck is going on there? Usually happens after a divorce, but that's a telltale sign for a midlife crisis.

Hanging out exclusively with dudes half your age is a sign of a midlife crisis

The last one is you start hanging out with younger dudes so you start hanging out with dudes that are half your age. You look around and no one who you went to college with is around you or any of your friends from your past.

Winning a championship can fundamentally change a fan's entire outlook on life for months

The high of a championship... if your team wins a championship, it honestly can change your whole outlook. You buzz for weeks, months, going into next year. You just feel better, you feel happier.

Men should cover up their legs and never wear shorts

Hot take. The once and future king of Mount Rushmore season, shorts. Cool take. I kind of hate shorts. I think men should cover up their legs.

Time travel is impossible because if it were, people from the future would have already visited us by now

I am [giving up on time travel]. Because if time travel was possible, then people from the past would have already visited us... and people from the future would have come back and visited us.

I have officially given up on the dream of ever being cool

My last one... just being cool... I'm never going to be cool... It's too much work to be cool, so I'm just gonna not be cool.

I am going to win the 50-50 raffle eventually

One dream I'm going to hold on to, winning the 50-50. I'm going to win that. Never let go.

Laughter is a universal language that predates spoken word.

How is how does everyone have laugh and as like the universal, like we're having fun. ... You speak Portuguese, you speak, you know, whatever, Taiwanese or whatever, but you both laugh when you're having fun? ... I think laughter came before language, I believe.

I would give away five to ten years of my life to guarantee Wi-Fi on every plane flight.

Nothing worse in the world than being on a plane with no Wi-Fi and no TVs. I would give away five to ten years of my life to make sure that I had Wi-Fi on a plane all the time.

The 'breaking the seal' phenomenon is real and causes your bladder to refill faster.

What the fuck happens when you break the seal? Why do you then have to piss? When you have all the pee in your balls and then you break the seal and then your balls fill up with pee again really quickly, what's with breaking the seal?

Bird watching is a fraudulent community because sightings are impossible to verify

What's to stop people from saying, yeah, hey, I saw that bird? Like you can lie and say that you're the best birder of all time. ... We're the Rachel Dolezals of the bird community.

A tucked-in t-shirt is the foundational element of 'dad fashion'

One that we missed that I should have said... just tucked in t-shirts. Just getting a t-shirt and tucking it in for no fucking reason.

Break up with your significant other before starting freshman year of college

My first is don't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend your freshman year of college. Good one. That's breakup time. Yep. ... always break up that first year. You can always get back together if you want to. Long distance.

Always Google a question to see if the internet can answer it before asking another person.

Before you ask a question to someone, just Google it first and see if Google can answer that question because that can save you a lot of trouble. It can save a lot of people coming at your neck.

Always bet on home dogs in college sports and never bet the under

Always bet on home dogs in college football and basketball. Also, it goes without saying, but never bet the under. You don't want to be that fucking. I'd rather lose a million bets betting the over than win one betting the under.

Cheap things are cheap for a reason; never buy cheap furniture because it will break immediately.

My last one is cheap things are cheap for a reason. ... Maybe when you get a little money out of college, you're like, oh, I'll just buy these cheap clothes or I'll buy this cheap bed. It's going to break. If you buy the cheap furniture, it will break very quickly. So maybe buy the more expensive stuff. Trust me, cheap things are cheap for a reason.

Never congratulate a woman on being pregnant

Never, ever congratulate a woman on being pregnant. Oh, yeah. Never. And don't touch the belly. I don't care if she's got a bracelet on and she's in the hospital. Never congratulate you. Because you're going to be wrong. You might be right 99 times. You'll be wrong. Guess what? The people that you say, hey, congrats on being pregnant to, they're not going to give a shit. The one person that you mess up on, that's going to haunt you.

Masturbation makes you gay

This is a life advice that I've gotten. I don't know if it's true. Okay. But I was once told that masturbation makes you gay.

The sun is scientifically cold because space is cold

Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.

Stephen Hawking has been dead for years and his public persona is an AI government puppet

Stephen Hawking died a long time ago, but the government has kept up the illusion that he's alive in order to get their space propaganda out there to the nerd community. He's literally dead, and it's artificial intelligence that's talking.

Using an Android phone makes you a huge nerd compared to using an iPhone

He's not an iPhone guy. That's a huge nerd. Huge nerd. Like, well, all of China doesn't use an iPhone. They use Androids. Actually, the Android operating system is superior. It moves faster. I don't care that I make all my friends hate me because they have to text in green bubbles.

We cannot trust the theory of gravity because Isaac Newton was a virgin

The fact that we're trusting gravity with a guy who never had sex seems a little suspicious. Doesn't know how woman on top feels.

I used to think my testicles were made of Play-Doh and eating more would make them bigger

My number one, I used to think that your testicles were Play-Doh. So I thought if you just ate more Play-Doh, you'd have bigger balls. I used to eat Play-Doh. For sure. I mean, it's kind of like the Bruce Arians drinking paint there. You got to try all things if you want to have bigger balls.

If you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you will drown

The old wives' tale, if you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you'll drown. I really, really thought that. I used to think it, for some reason, specifically tuna fish... basically it was mixing, you know. It makes no sense. You consume a fish to get better at swimming.

I genuinely thought I was an elf for two years because of my pointy ears

When I was a kid I actually I thought I was an elf for a while. Because I had pointy ears, right? They're super pointy. It was the pointy ears... this is all inside my own head. And I never told anybody about it. And then like two years later, I was like, oh, thank God, I guess I'm not an elf.

Curling is chess on ice and is a perfect mix of brain and brawn

It's chess on ice. It's a perfect mix of brain and brawn, and yeah, it's fantastic. The sweeping is incredibly taxing.

Owning a dog and having a child are essentially the same thing

Owning a dog and a kid, same thing. Yeah, for example, sometimes my dog, he sleeps in really, really late, and I have to wake him up to take him outside to use the restroom.

Meditating is a top-four way to cool down in the summer

My last one is just meditating. Meditate... when I said meditating, I meant cool down like when you get hot in an argument. Like when you ever get in a really big argument. You need to take a deep breath.

Laying on the bathroom floor is the greatest feeling when you have the spins

This is actually more for when you have the spins, but it still is the greatest thing in the world. Just laying down on the bathroom floor... There's actually no better feeling in the world. It's great. When you're hot, when you're drunk, when you have the spins.

Bar farters are a major societal problem

Number one, I have a longstanding issue with it. Bar farters, anyone who farts in a bar, because they know they have the masses to hide behind. I think it's bullshit when you're walking through a bar and boom, it smells like someone just took a shit on the floor.

The best way to enjoy a boat is to have a close friend who owns one rather than owning it yourself

My number three is having a friend with a boat but not actually owning one yourself. So you never want to be the guy with the boat. You want to be the guy that's got a good friend. They'll take you out, and if you throw them some fuel money, you're good.

The best way to enjoy a lake is to float in the middle with a life jacket and five beers

I like to just put on a life jacket and just sit in the middle of the lake and just drink beers, drink like five beers while I pee and just do nothing else. So you just sit there. It's great. You get all your friends just sitting there doing nothing.

Diversify your investment by buying scratch tickets in multiple states to become a millionaire

On a road trip, little pro tip, you buy scratch tickets or lotto tickets at every single stop in multiple different states. It's called diversifying your investment. And you will then become a millionaire.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.

I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on Spirit or Allegiant Air

Spirit and Allegiant Air, I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on any one of those airlines.

I would rather move across the country to keep my current cable provider than move down the street and have to change it

I'd rather pick up all my stuff and move across country if I could keep my cable providers than move down the street if I had to change them.

Apple purposefully sells iPhone chargers that break so you have to buy more

My number one [minor inconvenience] is buying iPhone chargers from, like, a gas station, and then when you plug them in, they just don't work... [Steve Jobs] basically has made a charger that cannot be duplicated... They have chargers that you can charge your iPhone once and it's just charged forever. They just won't sell them to us.

The 'full sock overhaul' is a life-changing hack where you throw out all socks and buy 60 identical pairs

I did this a couple years ago. It changed my entire life... I called it a full sock overhaul. And I threw out all my socks, and I went and I bought the exact same pair of socks. I bought like 60 of them. So that way you can never actually lose one.

We should bring back shoplifting until credit card machines are streamlined

I'm going to bring back shoplifting. Just stealing from gas stations. Until they figure themselves out. I don't want to wait in line to pay for something. Martial law.