Takes

Men should never cry after losing a football game

I just don't think you should ever cry after losing a football game. If there was a death in the family or something that week, I apologize, but if there was not, you were crying over the football game... bad luck. There's no way you cry after a loss.

Tyler Owens is pretending to not believe in space to get a free rocket ride from NASA

I actually think it, it's not a bad thing to say that you don't believe in space. You don't believe in, in the round earth theory, if you want to get a free ride on a Rocket ship, because there's always one guy where NASA's like, yeah, fuck you. We'll show you. Yeah. We'll take you up to space and you can get a look at it. Like, yeah, you know what, I, I also believe that space is fake. NASA prove help, help me prove myself wrong.

Engagement parties for men are 'a joke' and 'bullshit'

Engagement Party's a joke guy for guys. For guys. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fucking joke. Engagement party is the most optional thing in the world. Engagement party is a fucking bullshit thing that no one should even have or be invited to.

I am going to pimp out Vanny Woodhead and bring the van back to life in Chicago

We are going to get Vanny to Chicago. We have, we're in a different financial situation than we were six years ago. So I'm gonna probably put some money into this Vanny, pimp it out, figure out how to make it technically exist again. And now we'll have Vanny back in our lives. Like this trip to Indy would've been a perfect, let's just hop in Vanny. Yeah. So we're I Vanny is back.

Technically Vanny Woodhead does not exist and is legally destroyed

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of, I couldn't, I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it. No, one [owns it]. The, it's technically like scrap. It's a ghost car. It just hasn't been scrapped.

Grown men getting ice cream by themselves is actually great

Do you know grown men who go get ice cream by themselves? I don't. It's very strange. [Big Cat responding to Clay Travis quote] Literally all the time I get ice cream. I'm gonna do that as a protest tonight. I'm gonna get ice cream by myself... Ice cream by yourself is actually great.

Flaco the Owl was likely murdered and didn't just die from a building collision

It says he didn't break any bones, but he sustained massive hemorrhaging inside his body. This seems like somebody else had a hand in it. We need to check the flight logs. Was Flaco on the list? This Owl probably had information that would've led to the arrest and subsequent conviction of Hillary Clinton.

The 'pregnant' stingray Charlotte isn't actually pregnant and is just fat

Charlotte, the pregnant Stingray has still not given birth, which makes me think this might be a publicity stunt... if a shark had relations with a female Stingray who is pregnant even though she hasn't seen a male stingray in eight years... we need a conclusion to this. Otherwise she's just fat.

I will be able to dunk a basketball and hit twenty three-pointers within the next ten months

I'm going hard to dunk... summer, that's exactly my plan. I'm already over leveraged. What if I do both and hit 20 threes? I just have to basically change my entire lifestyle way of thinking and everything.

The day you stop liking tits is the day you die

Sydney Sweeney's boobs... Which I was getting shamed for like, come on guys. The day you stop liking tits, kill me. I think and I die. I'm a red-blooded American male.

The Waterdogs are doomed for the regular season if they win the PLL preseason tournament

I don't wanna win that. I don't wanna win the pre-season tournament. I think if we win the pre-season tournament, we're screwed for the regular season.

I hate expanded playoffs in any sport and prefer leaving teams out

I don't like that there's this many NFL teams in the playoffs. I think it's stupid. I'm big on—I know it's gonna shock you—I like leaving people out of things. I hate expanded anything.

Amphibians have ears that connect directly to their brains

One thing I know about lizards and amphibians, they've got ears that connect directly to their brain. Could I sing a note so high that the vibration of it kills everyone's tadpole?

Mind-controlling teammates in Dungeons & Dragons is acceptable because it isn't the real world

This is d and d. It's different than the real world. I don't feel bad... Scre it. This is fake. This is fantasy life... I actually controlled your mind and brought you to the promise land.

If you are a streaker and you aren't nude, you're not a streaker

If you're a streaker and you're not nude, you're not a streaker. You are an enemy combatant... If you just interrupt the game and you're wearing pants, you're not a streaker. That's stolen valor.

The Larry the Goldfish tattoo looks bad because I used a frozen dead corpse as the reference

I never told you guys. 'cause I knew I would've never heard the end of it... [The tattoo artist] asked for a reference picture. And I was like, whoa, I can get a reference picture. He's in the freezer so let me go take a picture... he had already done the full dead tattoo on my body where I was like, oh my God, this is a dead goldfish. I could've just Googled goldfish and it wouldn't have mattered.

The Enhanced Games (steroid Olympics) will be better than the actual Olympics

I'm going to watch hard. ... That sounds way better than the regular Olympics. ... They're starting the Olympic games where every contestant's gonna be allowed to dope, which means we're gonna get all kinds of crazy records. We have a bunch of freaks running around out there.

US elite athletes and quarterbacks would dominate Olympic Handball with minimal training

I believe it even more [that we would win gold]. Josh Allen could be the best handball player in the world right now... Imagine trying to stop Lamar. You could just take quarterbacks and they would win a gold medal. I think like two weeks of training.

Planes are having a moment right now

I think planes are having a moment. They are. You had Top Gun Maverick. You've got [Masters of the Air]. You've got Boeing. You've got that lady that got kicked off for farting on the plane. So a lot of stuff about planes recently.

Lifting weights is significantly more effective for getting in shape than cardio

It's crazy how don don't know when we learned this as like kids what point we're like, oh yeah, to get in shape you gotta run. That's so wrong. Like cardio. Okay, fine... Dude. Lifting weights is the best way to get in shape. 'cause you just feel stronger and you start, your metabolism goes, it feels good.

My second son will have to play quarterback because he is too natural of a thrower

My second son for sure is going to have to play quarterback. I think he, he's just too natural a thrower. So I'm, oh man, that's great. Another line of Flacco would be awesome.

I am returning to a private lifestyle because the internet ruined the Tiffany Gomas content

I will definitely be going back to, to zero dark private life mode... because it's fun. I enjoy it and, and you know, 99% of the people are fun. They play along... But then there's the 1% of people, people that will DMM and, and, and, and just go way over the top.

Romantically, things are not going to happen with Tiffany Gomas

I would like to, you know, set the record straight that we're not [dating]. ... we just kind of said, let's, let's just, you know, call a spade a spade and go our separate ways. ... I just think romantically it's not, it's not not gonna happen.

I'm out on Boeing airplanes until the safety issues are addressed

Boeing airplanes... had an explosive decompressor at 16,000 feet... So if it's, I don't know what kind of flights we have planned soon. But if it's Boeing, I ain't going. I'm out. I'm out on Boeing anytime soon.

Having a clear vision is the most important tool for success in life

I put this number one in my book, be useful because I think that vision is the most important thing. If you don't have a very clear vision of what you want to accomplish in life, and if you don't have a very clear vision where you want to go, you don't have anything, you're just kind of like drifting around.

Admitting your mistakes is the only way to learn and improve

You learn, you know, sometimes even more from the failures than we do from the successes. And so we have to be very honest, when you fail, you have to be very, very honest... You've gotta go and just look in the mirror and say, you fucked up and here's what you did wrong. And then analyze it, and they take the blame for it.

The world is heading toward the AI future depicted in the Terminator movies

As we went on with time, decade after decade, all of a sudden I realized, oh my God, we are actually going in that direction. And what Jim Cameron wrote about is going to happen, you know, that the machines are now so sophisticated, so far ahead of human way of thinking that they are so far ahead.

I will be in the best shape of my life when I turn 40

I have the double whammy of our birthday month is coming up and it's our last birthday in our thirties. And I am trying to tell myself that when I turn 40, I have to turn 40 in good shape in the best shape of my life... I'm going to put in a very concerted effort starting on Tuesday.

I will eat 50 Dairy Queen blizzards as my New Year's resolution

My New Year's resolution is I'm gonna eat more blizzards, Dairy Queen blizzards... New Year's resolutions are, to me, less about changing yourself for the better and more about just doing the things you like more... I'm thinking like 50.

Birds stand facing into the wind because they like 'adversity'

Did you know that? You can tell which way the wind is blowing by how birds are standing. Birds always stand facing into the wind. Oh, they like the adversity. They don't wanna get blown away too. Because if they, if the wind kind of gusts, then they just take off and fly away.

The NFL should allow players to wear either zero, one, or three-plus mouthpieces

Anthony Evans... was wearing not one, not two, but three mouthpieces at once on his person. He's got a red one in his mouth, yellow one hanging down, and then he has a third mouthpiece that's jammed into his left ear hole on his helmet. I kind of love three mouthpiece. Congress needs to step in. You can't do two. You can do three or more. You can do one, zero, or three or more. That's my ruling.

Max is a crybaby loser for accusing me of cheating at the Lottery Ball

What Max is displaying right now is everything that's wrong with this country... Max is an excuse guy. Max is a loser. If he loses a game, instead of saying, I lost the game, he says, oh, well they cheated... It's pathetic. It's cowardly and it's disgusting... I will take away the, the, the winning 71... I will win it without looking at it before Max does.

LSU is a more difficult school to graduate from in four years than Harvard.

LSU, four years would be Tough. Man's a lot. I mean, you got two years of being incoherent... you're not worried about Fred's and Bogey and Tiger Land [at Harvard]... LSU [is harder].

NFL fans should wear diapers during seven-hour football Sundays

I actually, I don't hate the idea. I all cards on the table. I have worn a diaper during a game before... I might start wearing diapers when we're watching NFL streams on Sunday. You got seven hours of football.

You cannot have a backup plan if you want to make it in a creative field

If you do anything, you have to be obsessed with it. And if you're not obsessed with it and willing to like, basically just be like, no, I'll do the, there is no backup plan. You, you really are probably not gonna make it 'cause it's, you just can't have a backup plan.

Every game for the rest of my life is a must-win

Every game ever. For the rest of my life is a must win.

Players should be allowed to open-hand slap any fan who talks shit to them immediately after a loss

I really do think that Caleb Williams, like every player, if a fan goes up to you and talks shit after a devastating loss, you have like a ten second period where you can just open hand slap 'em. Yeah. Not punch. We're civilized. But I think that that would actually, if that just became a law and a rule, 'cause then fans would start acting accordingly.

I will work twice as hard in the winter so I can work half as much in the summer for golf

All I said is that I'm gonna work twice as hard as the winter so that I don't have to work. I can work twice as less and all in the summer. In the summer. Right. And then it all evens out. ... Europe, Europeans do it. Right. They take midday naps, siestas.

Silent walking is a ridiculous Gen Z trend that just describes thinking

My who's back the week is a new trend. It's called Silent Walking... walking without your phone... this person has never had an inner dialogue. I have an inner dialogue every day. I'm doing a lot of thinking. I got multiple dialogues.

Making the playoffs and losing every game is the worst fate for a sports fan

I actually think that making the playoffs and losing every single game is the worst fate of any fan base. Like I would rather be the worst team and just be like, I can just erase it from my memory. Draft Picks, whatever you wanna sell yourself on getting, being good enough to get to the playoffs and then not winning a game For more than almost two decades. That is the worst.

Soap doesn't actually work on your armpits

How come when you use soap, soap doesn't work on your armpits? Isn't that an interesting question? Take soap out of the equation. You're thinking about the soap. Take the soap out of the equation.

It would take a Super Bowl win for people to start hating Lions fans

I don't think people will hate Lions fans unless they win a Super Bowl and then they would start to hate them. It's kind of like the Cubs or the Red Sox, where after they won theirs, people started to hate it. But the first one, I think people would all be about because it is a tortured fan base.

You can't appreciate a lighthouse if you don't go out to sea

It's good to get away from the lighthouse. It makes it that much better when you see it on the way back. You know, as any sailor knows, you can't appreciate a lighthouse if you don't go out to sea.

The Patriots' lighthouse is not a 'real' lighthouse because it's not visible from a federal body of water

It's not a lighthouse if it's not visible from a federal body of water... It's a fucked up stupid lighthouse. They call it a non-traditional lighthouse. A.k.a. not a lighthouse.

If the Commanders win the Super Bowl, I will eat a steak

If we win the Super Bowl, I'll have a steak... Y'all have to take me to the best steak in the world.

The torch on the Statue of Liberty makes it the biggest lighthouse in America

It's actually the second biggest lighthouse in America. The Statue of Liberty is the biggest lighthouse. It was used as a lighthouse. You fucking moron. It's not a lighthouse American history. It was used as a lighthouse. There's a light at the top of that thing. It's the torch. The torch. It's the most famous torch in America.

Jerry Jones only made a hologram of himself because he is about to die

I also feel I, you know, I'm not like a huge Jerry Jones fan, but good for him because I think Jerry Jones is about to die. ... In at and t stadium, Jerry Jones unveiled a hologram Jerry Jones that's interactive. ... AI hologram. You don't make that unless you're about to die.

Howie Long Jr. is the best athlete in the Long family

People ask why I waited to name our third child Howie. And I said, well, you know, it's easy because he's our favorite. You know, he's the best athlete in the family. He's, he's really just our favorite.

Kyle Long would win a wrestling match against Chris and Howie in their primes

Kyle is frightening. When he puts hands on you, it's a different kind. It's like, some people are, I'm heavy handed, he's heavy handed on a bigger... I would take Kyle [in a wrestling match].

Breeding Maine Coon cats is a viable post-NFL business strategy

We got this new cat. They call it a Maine coon... Marlin's Man has fun looking to breed some cats. Are you serious? Yeah. 10 years out... 10 years outta the league. It's time to move on and make some money... 3,504 grand a piece.