Takes

NFL fans should wear diapers during seven-hour football Sundays

I actually, I don't hate the idea. I all cards on the table. I have worn a diaper during a game before... I might start wearing diapers when we're watching NFL streams on Sunday. You got seven hours of football.

I will work twice as hard in the winter so I can work half as much in the summer for golf

All I said is that I'm gonna work twice as hard as the winter so that I don't have to work. I can work twice as less and all in the summer. In the summer. Right. And then it all evens out. ... Europe, Europeans do it. Right. They take midday naps, siestas.

The reason Hank is grumpy is because the current weed supply has been nerfed by a virus

I actually know why Hank's grumpy... weed's on my Hot Seat. There's something called a hop latent viroid going around and it basically nerfs potent weed... the nerfing of the weed is going around right now... [it's] affecting like 90% of marijuana plants in the country.

Marijuana needs to be exactly half as strong as it is right now

The nerfing of the weed is going around right now... Which I actually think is wonderful. Yeah. I think it's, that's what weed needs to be. It needs to be exactly half as strong as it is right now. So you can still smoke it and do stuff.

The Times Square Margaritaville should be subsidized by the government and saved from closure

Margaritaville should be too big to fail. It should be subsidized by the government. Should be saved. Yeah.

Anyone who says 'I turned out fine' regarding their childhood trauma actually didn't turn out fine

Anyone who says I turned out fine, there you are. Not fine. About anything, anything. It could be like X Y, Z happened to me when I was a kid. I turned out fine. 'I smoked, my father made me smoke cigarettes when I was five years old. Look how I turned out.' I'm fine. Yeah, I'm great.

The passengers on the missing Titanic submarine are likely already dead

They're dead. This is one of those situations that it's captivated the internet because they keep being like, they have 50 hours of oxygen... they died. It's probably better that they died almost instantly. I would imagine they did. You don't, something bad happened and the sub broke and they died.

You shouldn't mess with the ocean at all; stay 20 feet from the beach

Just don't fuck with the ocean. ... In general, stay away from more than like 20 feet into the ocean. The beach is fine. Yeah. Beach is good. Everything else bad.

Anything over 60 degrees in England is considered boiling hot.

If you're a British person, you shouldn't be out in the sun to begin with. ... You have to judge it on a slid scale. Come on. Anything above over 60 degrees in England is, is boiling hot.

AI robots will take over and kill everyone within a month

I'm fully convinced, I figured I should just get it on record that probably within like a month, AI is going to build robots, take over the world and we're all gonna die.

Pregnant people need to stop using weeks and start talking in months because nobody knows how far along 22 weeks is

My biggest problem with this was that he said 22 weeks and then I had to sit down and break down how pregnant that was my brain by doing math. That's what pissed me off. Just say months... I'm confused again. Four and a half, five months pregnant. That's so just be normal pregnant people. I'm begging you be just talk to me in months. Yes. I don't get weeks.

I would never tell my son I was on steroids because I'd want to keep dunking on him

If you're LeBron James and hypothetically if you had been taking HGH steroids... do you tell your son that... or does the dad instinct to always be able to beat your son in basketball supersede that? ... I would not tell Chris ever that I was on steroids cuz I'd just love Dunking on [him].

The unidentified aerial objects being shot down are just balloons without propulsion systems, not extraterrestrials

It's not UFOs. They're not UFOs... balloons don't have propulsion systems. Right. You would be aware of this, right? PFT? ... When everyone's going nuts on Twitter because they saw they have to report the object, so they're like, we don't know if this thing has a propulsion system. So that made it sound like it was something extraterrestrial. But really just balloons don't have propulsion systems.

People who work office jobs and don't shower in the morning are weird

My hot seat is I guess how I shower because I shower in the morning... People working like a nine to five in an office, not showering in the morning. That's fucking weird. It wakes you up. It makes you feel clean. It makes you feel fresh.

Breakfast is unnecessary and takes up too much time

Intermittent fasting. Breakfast takes up too much time in the morning. Just like eating when you just wake up, do you do that? I think it would fall right with showers.

If Big Cat and PFT lose their playoff picks bet, they will each eat six hot dogs for Jake's bowling total

If we beat you, Ray Allen tweet. If you beat us, we will both eat six hotdogs on your behalf when you're bowling. That's 60 pins we will take down for you.

I could land a commercial airliner if the pilot became incapacitated

If I got behind the wheel or what the stick of a 737 and I was able to talk to air traffic control, I honestly do believe that I would be able to land a plane. It's pretty simple stuff. It's not rocket science, it's air science.

Short people are crucial for conserving food and resources on our dying planet

Being short is better for the future... Not only do shorter people tend to live longer, but they're also crucial in conserving food and resources on her dying planet. The short are also inherent conservationists, which is more crucial than ever in this world of 8 billion. So basically if we were 10% shorter, we would save 87 millions of tons of food per year.

There are wooly mammoth bones and ivory worth millions in the East River

There's a bunch of treasure in the East River... wooly mammoth bones, tusks, ivory. It's treasure. Millions. Billions. The treasure is on East 65th Street next to the FDR Drive in the water... we're gonna try to go get it.

I will take Liver King back if he admits he used steroids and was just trying to recover from injury

If he just says like, yeah, guys, I'm 50 years old... I needed this stuff to like, you know, come back. Like if he basically does the, I was injured and I wanted to get back with the team real fast. Like, if he does that, I'll take him back. I'll be like, what? Fuck it, dude. Like at least you're honest now.

The Powerball drawing is rigged because of the delay and lack of a live stream

Powerball rigged. So Powerball rigged. That's very suspect. Biggest Powerball in history... They delayed the drawing because officials need more time to complete protocols and they didn't live stream it.

Anything done during the pandemic should be forgiven (Pandemic Amnesty)

My cool throne is pandemic amnesty. Turns out anything you do during the pandemic, we're all gonna forget about and forgive each other. I think anything should be forgiven. Like anything. No, but whatever it was, forgive me for it.

The rats run New York City, not the humans

I think the rats run the city. If you have to say that [the rats don't run the city], I think the rats run the city.

Humans are currently dominating the rivalry with bears following several viral fight videos

My cool throne is humans. Humans have been taking tons of Ws against bears and just dishing out bears Ls. There was a video of a dude fighting a bear and throwing him off a cliff. And then there was another story of two Wyoming wrestlers beating the shit out of a bear and surviving a grizzly attack. We're up on bears.

I am getting hair plugs to combat my balding

I'm gonna go one way or the other. I don't wanna stay where I'm at right now. I'm in no man's land... All right. I'm gonna get hair plugs.

War should be replaced by a 'Space Olympics' where countries compete to blow up asteroids for mining rights

We drop so many bombs on Earth every day. Why don't we just throw all those bombs and blow something up and develop a point system and compete. Make it like a Space Olympics... and the winner gets like, I don't know, mining rights to certain natural resources. So your country is incentivized to get better at the Space Defenders game.

Magnus Carlsen is a 'baby back bitch' for quitting the chess tournament

And then they, they, they finally have another matchup yesterday and Magnus quits after one move. He retires. And he disconnects his entire computer. I might not be this goat thing might not be working out. He might, he might be baby back bitch.

The mob deserves a better reputation because they built Las Vegas

The mob, shout out the mob. Mob gets a bad rep. They built Las Vegas for us. That's a fact. Say what you will about the mob. They built Las Vegas. Okay.

Delaware is essentially just a file cabinet for corporations with nothing else of value in the state

We need to figure out what the fuck is going on in Delaware. It's America's file cabinet. ... Delaware has so much business that runs through it. Everything. And there's absolutely nothing inside that state with the exception of like two decent beach towns.

I would rather fall into a volcano than have to deal with the Apple Store

I would rather fall in a volcano than have to deal with the apple store. That's a fact.

Climbing Mount Everest is now effectively 'glamping'

Everest is also kind of glamping nowadays. No, I mean, but that actually makes it worse for him because Everest is not even cool anymore. Everyone climbs Everest. I remember when Everest was like, oh, don't climb Everest. You'll fucking die. Now everyone fucking climbs Everest. There's like huge lines. Yep.

The James Webb telescope images are fake and look like a lava lamp

Those images... are freaking me out... but that could also just be some fucking scientists lava lamp and they just send it out and they're like, check this out guys... I did see this picture and I just said that's fake.

Always buy the extra bag of chips because the joy far outweighs the cost

Always buy the extra bag of chips. It's bag, not pack, nice job Wall Street Journal... The small pleasures in life, they actually, they far outweigh their value. The amount of joy that you get out of those like two to $5, it's worth hundreds. The small things in life are worth more than the big things sometimes.

Nuclear-powered 'air cruises' are fake and would definitely crash

It's a plane cruise. Yeah. It's like a massive, massive, massive, bigger than whatever name like four aircraft carriers... 20 electric engines powered by nuclear fusion. I'm just going to say this. If this is real, I will absolutely laugh when it crashes and everyone dies. There's no way to test fly this until you actually make the real thing.

Getting hit in the nuts is worse than childbirth

Women don't realize that childbirth is not that hard when you've gotten hit in the nuts. Your balls feel like they're going to explode and your stomach feels like it's going to cave inside of itself. It's like having all of your periods at once.

Most people can get by drinking only 32 ounces of water a day

I think most people can get by drinking like 32 ounces of water a day and getting the rest from their food... I drink a half a gallon of water a day. Get the rest of it from your food and your other parts of your diet.

Every pro athlete should be allowed to beat up one fan per year

If we just had my rule of every single player in every sport gets to pick out one fan a year and peat every living shit out of him, sports would be more fun.

I want to invent soundproof 'fart pants' for airplanes

My idea was to get fart pants, to invent fart pants. And it would just consist of pants that were soundproof. So you could wear them... when I fart on an airplane, it's never smelly. It doesn't stink. It's just air. And it's just super loud.

Hank the Tank the bear cannot be relocated and will die if forced into the wilderness

Hank the tank is a 500 pound black bear... He doesn't know how to hunt because he's so dependent on humans. He cannot be relocated to the wilderness or he would die of starvation because he's completely has zero motivation... Plus he's fat as fuck.

We can drive from New York to Cincinnati through a massive snowstorm in one night because we are road warriors

I think in order to get off to a good start, we have to... We drive into the storm. We're not soft like that. We're going through the storm, and it's going to be sick. I'm saying we gun it first night, not stop in Pittsburgh. Just go straight to Cincinnati. I'll drive it. If you're not ready to be a road warrior, then I don't know. We're in a Chevy Silverado. It's one of the safest trucks.

JNCO jeans are officially back in style

My cool throne is JNCOs. Yeah. And JNCOs are also back... there was a, a trend piece in the Wall Street Journal, you know, something's real cool when it's written about in the Wall Street Journal.

Robots can now reproduce

Cool throne is robots. They lost their virginity. Not much more that we need to explain there. Robots can reproduce now. They just released it. There was a scientific research experiment. There was a scientific green robots that created. It's a thing.

Never mess with a family from the former Yugoslavia

As a general rule of thumb, don't fuck with any family from the former Yugoslavia. It's great just because it's taking this... Yeah, they're like if the Ryan twins were in the movie Taken.

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet. They're not trustworthy... A monkey is just, it's basically you buy a monkey, it sits in your house, and it's just you set the timer for when it decides it wants to rip your face off. That's all it is.

The PMT flags are S-tier man cave/tailgate decor

These Pardon My Take flags... those are real nice. We've got a bunch of different colors so you know, tailgate, man cave... [Hank]: Put it on your car. Hang it in your front yard... [PFT]: You drape the flag over. Especially if you have like, let everyone know. If you got a cabin or a beach house.

You cannot be a diehard fan of two rival teams from the same city

I agree with this premise, by the way. If you are a diehard fan of one team from your hometown, you can't be a diehard fan of the equal and opposite team from that hometown... if you're John Cusack and you grew up in Chicago... he's a guy that should only be able to pick one of those two teams.

If you haven't been to the dentist in over three years, just never go again

Anyone who has not been there for more than three years, just never go again ever... she was the dental hygienist was just ripping up my mouth, blood everywhere. And she was like, if you did, if you came in every six months, none of this would have happened. And I was like, well, what if I just never came in again? None of this would've happened... I would recommend it to all of you... It is absolutely the worst.

Mickey Sudo might beat Joey Chestnut in the next Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Mickey Sudo only ate 45 hot dogs for the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. So she was able to eat way more bratwurst, even though they're bigger... if these trends are correct, Joey Chestnut might get knocked off this next hot dog eating contest. I'm just saying by a woman.

You must heat all Italian deli meats to 165 degrees to avoid the risk of salmonella

CDC just sent out... that you have to heat up all your Italian meats to 165 degrees [for] salmonella. No more like a cold Italian sub right now. Everywhere.

You should always fade Mike Greenberg's gambling advice when he feels strongly about a pick

He was saying that like, he's gonna take the under on not only the lions, but the Texans and they might not win more than like three or four games. This is a major Greenie weeny alert. If Greenie feels that strongly about something, when it comes to gambling, you fade Greenie big time.