Takes

Magnus Carlsen is likely the one using vibrating anal beads to cheat at chess

I think that Magnus... he's recognizing that the guy that he's playing against is stealing his trick, which is also using anal beads. Whoever smelt it, Delta. I think Magnus Carlson is the guy with the anal beads that's accusing our maybe our baby goat, our American goat.

Bill Clinton definitely hooked up with Dr. Ruth at the US Open

Bill Clinton was at the US Open too. And he was best term for it—he was noodling with Dr. Ruth. They were getting very close... bill Clinton was getting real horny with Dr. Ruth. And I think he fucked her. I'm going to say he fucked her.

There is nobody in the world less likely to 'mix in a water' than Dana Beers

I actually think like there's nobody less likely to mix in a water than Dana Beers. Right... he better, he should go on a water strike... he has been for the last 26 years of his life.

Batman and Batgirl are siblings in DC lore and their relationship is incestuous

Batman and Batwoman were depicted as parents and Robin and Batgirl were depicted as their children. But then... Robin and Batgirl are supposed to be siblings and they're fucking, so they're like, oh, they're not gay. They're just incestuous.

The iPod is the greatest Apple product ever invented

I was talking shit about Apple products last week. This is probably the greatest Apple product ever invented, but they announced today that they're discontinuing the iPod.

The upcoming Drake and Taylor Swift collaboration will be played into the ground all summer

My hot seat is the charts, the radio this summer... Drake posted a picture with Taylor Swift, which means go, I'm going to be a song coming, which means it's going to get, it'll probably be a good song, but it will get murdered into the ground and just played in for it everywhere.

The Will Smith slap of Chris Rock was fake because Will Smith taught a kid how to fake slap a month prior

There's a video out of Will Smith a month ago, teaching a kid how to fake slap. I don't know if you guys see this on TMZ... I'm just saying, you know, it looks like a guy who's been practicing slapping.

Will Smith and Chris Rock will eventually do a Pepsi commercial together to cash in on the slap controversy

My prediction is that there will be a Pepsi commercial this summer. Kendall Jenner gives them both a Pepsi and they crack it open. And yeah, everything's copacetic.

Travis Barker is the best songwriting drummer and makes any act he plays with significantly better

Whatever [Travis Barker] does, he's somehow like the best songwriting drummer, where he makes any band or any act that he plays with that much better.

The upcoming Game of Thrones prequel will be disappointing because it reminds fans of the original show's ending

The end of Game of Thrones sucks. And they're never making more Game of Thrones ever again. So even though if this is good, it's still one of those things where if you watch it, you're like, this is the best series ever. Can't wait to see what happens. That person is going to be disappointed. It's going to bring back feelings of just like sadness.

Jackass Forever will be the start of a massive streak of movie hits.

Jackass Forever, the trailer came out... and I feel like it's just going to be hit after hit after hit after hit for the next few months because there's so much of a backlog [from the pandemic].

The Jackass movies are the perfect comedy and it is impossible to make a funnier film.

The jackass movies are the perfect comedy. They really are. I don't think that you can actually get funnier. The only way you can make a funnier movie than jackass is to make another jackass sequel.

Jeff Bezos's space flight was just a midlife crisis to overcompensate for having a small penis.

Jeff Bezos, he built a penis rocket and then played just the tip with space. He couldn't in his wildest dreams insert his big penis rocket into space... you got a tiny dick, bro. That's a big time midlife crisis overcompensating here.

Outer space is currently overrated until humans can visit other planets or find aliens.

Space is kind of overrated at this point. Unless we can start going to see actual other planets... bring an alien to me. I think I'm out on space until Tom DeLonge personally introduces me and aliens.

The 'Sopranos' prequel being a movie is worrisome because it's hard to compact 7 seasons of quality into 2 hours

The trailer for the new movie—it's a movie. I thought it was a TV show and the fact that it's a movie is a little bit worrisome... I just feel like it's going to be hard to—the TV show was so good because you can extend the episodes, make them long, have it played out over seven seasons. And they try and compact it all into two hours, it's worrisome.

The 'You're not that guy, pal' clip will be the clip of the summer

Pretty much, it's a great clip, but I think that's going to be the clip of the summer. Everything you do with your friends, your coworkers, pretty much anything... you're going to see comments about you're not that guy.

Ben Affleck was 'tampering' with J-Lo while she was engaged to A-Rod

Ben Affleck was tampering. Ben Affleck, it was reported, was texting J-Lo in February when J-Lo and A-Rod were still engaged. That is illegal. That is tampering.

Citizen Kane is no longer the best movie of all time according to Rotten Tomatoes

Someone that works at Rotten Tomatoes found an 80-year-old review... talking a negative review about Citizen Kane. So they put it in the Rotten Tomatoes whatever system, and now it's 99 on Rotten Tomatoes, not 100. Paddington 2 is 100. So Citizen Kane, by Rotten Tomatoes metrics, no longer the best movie of all time.

I will start watching the show 'Dave' by next Wednesday

By the time I speak to you on next Wednesday's show, within the next week, I will have started Dave. That's my resolution... I'm going to be able to fulfill on two out of those three [goals] already and three out of three by next week.

Criticizing the cartoon 'Bluey' for a lack of human diversity is stupid

Kids cartoon Bluey criticized for not having disabled, queer, poor, gender diverse or dogs of color. It's dogs. It's a show about cartoon dogs... none of us were [represented] because we're not dogs. It's a show about dogs. Cartoon fake dogs.

Michael Strahan sold out by getting the gap in his teeth fixed

My hot seat's Michael Strahan... He got rid of the gap in his teeth... His approval rating will probably, I mean, people are used to seeing the gap, and it's like, you know, embrace your imperfections, dude.

Drake's Scary Hours 2 tracks are currently holding the top three spots on the Billboard charts

Drake released three new songs last week, and they're now one, two, and three on the Billboard [Hot 100].

'Cocaine Bear' is a 'must-see' movie because it's based on a bear consuming 70 pounds of dropped cocaine

Just a movie, a must-see. I'm already slapping a must-see on it. Elizabeth Banks is to direct a bear-centric thriller, Cocaine Bear... The film is based on true events from 1985. A 175-pound bear accidentally consumed over 70 pounds of cocaine that was dropped from a plane by a smuggler.

Ted Lasso could coach the Jets to a 10-6 record

You can't convince me that Ted Lasso couldn't take the Jets to 10-6.

Mufasa the Lion is the official replacement for Harambe

We've been waiting for somebody to fill the gorilla-sized hole where our hearts used to be ever since 2016 when Harambe was taken from us way too soon. And I think we have it, Hank. It's Mufasa the Lion.

Any non-athlete who appears on the Forbes 30 Under 30 list is likely a 'huge loser.'

Anyone that that is actually truly on a 30 under 30 list that isn't a professional athlete is probably a huge loser.

The 'Doggface' Fleetwood Mac cranberry juice video was a corporate plant

I think that he is probably a plant. I think that this is mostly done... a combo stunt done by Fleetwood Mac and Ocean Spray cranberry juice—big cranberry.

Zendaya's Emmy win was not a 'biggest upset' because fans were happy about it

She won the Emmy for best actress and the New York Post wrote an article and it said biggest upset in Emmys 2020 over Jennifer Aniston and more... Zendaya stands were all very upset because they're like no one's upset about this like this. No one's upset. Like this is a great thing.

If you don't like Nickelback, you are a sheeple

Cool throne Nickelback. If you don't like Nickelback your sheeple.

The text exchange between 50 Cent and Will Smith about Jada's 'entanglement' was real

I would bet money that it was real... Because it's 50 Cent and he's absolutely reckless. He's reckless.

Ghislaine Maxwell will not be safe in prison

Last hot seat is Ghislaine Maxwell. She's being sent to prison... She's not going to be safe there. TRIAL'S not up for a year. Yeah, so she's got a lot of prison time.

Usain Bolt naming his daughter Olympia Lightning Bolt is the greatest name of all time

Olympia lightning bolt. Oh nice, maybe the greatest name of all time.

Larry David navigating the COVID-19 pandemic in Curb Your Enthusiasm will be amazing television.

Curb Your Enthusiasm got greenlit for an 11th season... I think Larry David—Corona is going to be amazing. The corona Larry David, like there's no better wheelhouse for that guy.

Ranking Lisa Ann at #94 on an all-time porn star list is disrespectful to her legacy as a game-changer.

Shyla Stylez at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious... Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong. That's awful. Even if you missed her heyday, you got to know that she meant something to the game, right? She changed the game, a hundred percent. I thought that was a little bit disrespectful.

Stephanie Cmar will win Top Chef Season 17 because of the judge's reaction in the trailer

In the preview for the finale, they have Padma awarding the winner and saying congratulations you are top chef, but people have gone back and rewound it and they can tell by her inflection that she's genuinely surprised to be awarding it to this person. So now the internet is thinking the betting odds have shifted that it's going to be Stephanie... my money is on Stephanie.

Jake Paul is the Forrest Gump of clout chasers and his behavior is disgusting

Jake Paul is the Forrest Gump of clout chasers. He just shows up anytime there's a big event and he's like 'I'm in it too for a vlog.' I think it's disgusting and everyone on the internet thinks it's disgusting.

Outer Banks is essentially 'The OC' meets 'National Treasure'

What the fuck is Outer Banks, man, Hank? I started watching it. It's like how is this show? It's the OC meets National Treasure. How is this show popular?

I would rather see Doja Cat's breasts than Nicki Minaj's because Minaj has had too much plastic surgery

Doja Cat said that she would show her tits if she went number one... I would actually say I'd rather see Doja Cat's than Nicki Minaj after all the plastic surgery she's had. Doja Cat seems like she might have the real ones.

Elon Musk's child naming choice puts teachers on the hot seat regarding attendance sheets

Teachers are on the hot seat because this is going to start a trend amongst the nerd people community. Be like, oh, we don't even have to name our kids real names. We can just do symbols and codes. Imagine being a teacher and getting an attendance sheet and being like, hey, Sam, Joe... X-A-E-12.

Naming a child a mathematical symbol is the 'Boy Named Sue' for the nerd community

It's kind of the 'Boy Named Sue' for nerds. You name your kid this, they're going to be a nerd because everyone's going to just be like, 'What is your fucking name?' It's keeping the nerd community alive because they won't be able to just be regular. It's forcing him into being a nerd.

The Kardashians will purposely look like assholes to go viral because they have no shame.

The Kardashians, no shame if they do something. It's clearly like you'll find out what they're doing two moves later... they release it themselves and even though they look bad, they don't care. They have an entire enterprise built off of a sex tape... they will look like assholes to go viral. They don't care.

Dude Perfect is responsible for the coronavirus because their trick shot gong was made in Wuhan

I'm putting Dude Perfect on the hot seat. I don't know if you've seen them recently, but they were showing off the gong that they have in their Dude Perfect warehouse... and it says proudly made in Wuhan right on the big gong there. So many people are asking is Dude Perfect responsible for the stuff that's going on the world.

Justin Bieber's 'too bad' DM to Ria on Valentine's Day was a 'flirty' response.

He just like it was in one of those Twitter moments... and her tweet was in there... so he said what do you say to her? Too bad. Too bad. That's a little flirty.

All technological innovation starts with porn

The fact that everyone was so horny and trying to access [the Pamela Anderson tape] all over the internet actually made the internet faster... We came up with technological advances to try to acquire a higher quality version... All innovation starts with porn.

Ken Jennings is likely a 'soaker' because he's from Utah

I don't know. I think [Ken Jennings] is from Utah. Yeah, so everyone from Utah. I just assumed he soaked. He seems like a guy who soaks.

The 'OK Boomer' trend is dead because internet users are fighting with straw men

The boomer thing is done. It's too much... there are no baby boomers on Twitter. There's like a few people who write like op-eds in New York Times, but we're really arguing with no one... we have created straw men all around us and we're just whacking at it with a machete.

Jackass is the greatest humor of all time.

Jackass is the greatest humor of all time when they fart baby powder in each other's faces... so fucking funny and I'm not being sarcastic whatsoever. Jackass is a masterpiece.

Imagine Dragons music should be in the public domain

I think if it's Imagine Dragons Imagine Dragons should just be in the public domain there should not be the other attack. They got to protect their art like what those guys make beautiful beautiful art Imagine Dragons The Beatles Mozart and happy birthday.

Green Day is officially an 'oldies' band now

I was thinking that Green Day would you consider them to be classic rock at this point... yeah I guess... when does the 90s become classic rock... I think it's now. Fuck. I think Green Day is an oldies band.

Todd Gurley using his cat to sell ads is disgusting and fraudulent content

Whoever makes ads out of their content. That's fucked up. It's disgusting. Yeah, like can you imagine using one of your pets as like a marketing thing or like Instagram starting a bit and then having it become an ad.