Takes

Don't bet against Russia in the World Cup because FIFA always lets host dictators win for propaganda

I wouldn't bet against Russia. ... FIFA... they've got a history of dropping [the World Cup] into the hornet's nest of dictators looking for an easy propaganda win.

Iceland has a genuine chance to win the World Cup because of their Viking belief

The only other team that expects to win every game is Iceland. ... They can do anything because when you interview them, they'll say to you, Viking blood flows through our veins. And you'll be like, I'm not kidding. So they believe it.

Big Cat is one of the worst owners in sports for what happened to Swansea City

I do believe Big Cat is one of the worst owners in sport. ... Swansea is an incredible community club that has just brought joy to the lives of thousands of Welsh humans over generations. And then in strolls, Big Cat... it's a tragedy what's happened to Swansea Football Club.

Spain will win the 2018 World Cup

America will love the circus. So who's going to win? Spain will win. Spain's going to win.

The US will win the 2018 World Cup

I'm going with the U.S... They could still come back. You never count the U.S. out until they're totally out.

Russia will win the 2018 World Cup

I got Russia.

Uruguay will win the 2018 World Cup

I'll take Uruguay. Luis Suarez. I actually put a little money on that, so we'll see how that goes.

Any EPL team that allows an 'American stink' on them deserves to be relegated

If you get an American stink on your EPL team, you deserve to be relegated. [referencing Bob Bradley at Swansea City]

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is the future of American soccer at age 34

Zlatan is going to save soccer in America. He is. He's the future of American soccer. He's 34. And he's the future.

Sweden is my World Cup team for 2018

I think Sweden is my World Cup team. Dude, I'm Swedish. I would know. I'm like one 16th... I got all the shitty parts of being Swedish.

The first game of the World Cup is the only one everyone genuinely gets up for

That's the one soccer game that everybody gets up for is the first one. And then after that, the novelty kind of dies off. I would say that the championship game is a little bit more fatigue. So, like, everyone's had a month of soccer already. If they're not one of your two teams in the finals, you're like, eh, I can take it or leave it.

Freddie Adu is back and American soccer is officially saved

Freddie Adu is back, and therefore U.S. soccer is back... News soon. Oh. Yeah. So he's back. He's the future. He is the future of American soccer. Yeah. He is American soccer.

USA Soccer is off the hook for missing the World Cup because Italy missed it too

USA Soccer is officially on the cool throne because Italy did not make the World Cup either. And that's like a big deal... we're off the hook, though. Because this is like the hottest chick who didn't make the ball... we can laugh and be like, no, those guys actually try, and they suck. It's not us.

Austin, Texas is a bad sports town for trying to steal the Columbus Crew

Austin, Texas. Bad sports town... they are currently in the midst of cucking the Columbus Crew. They're trying to steal the Crew, which is a Talking Soccer. They're trying to steal an MLS team and bring them down to Austin, Texas.

LeBron James should play for the US Men's Soccer team

LeBron actually should play for us. If you were to take the best NFL athletes... could the Chiefs qualify for the World Cup under the instruction of Andy Reid?

Bruce Arena and the US Soccer front office need to be fired immediately

I'm going to say Bruce Arena. That guy's been around forever. Get the fuck out of here, man. ... GM, clean house.

Panama might beat the US Men's National Team on Friday

It would be funny if Panama, if just... God forbid. Panama wins on Friday. God forbid the U.S. men's team didn't make it into the Yogo Benito Championships next year in Russia.

The US Men's National Team should barely qualify for the World Cup so they have to play an extra elimination game against New Zealand

I hope that they barely qualify and that they have to play an extra elimination game. I am really looking forward to that extra elimination game. [I] just want to see them play New Zealand so I can do an accent.

It would be hilarious if the US Men's Soccer team failed to qualify for the World Cup

It would be hilarious if the US didn't make the World Cup. It would be very, very funny. It would be so fucking funny. We could make jokes all summer long and be like, when does the US play?

The Sounders and Timbers only play each other in MLS

I feel like the Sounders and Timbers only play each other. I'm convinced that MLS was like, hey, you guys in the Pacific Northwest, you tend to enjoy your scarves and your soccer. Just play each other all the time. We'll pretend like it's an MLS game, but it's not real.

The World Cup trophy is great because it uses actual gold instead of fake materials

I actually like the World Cup ball. Anytime you can incorporate just actual gold into a trophy instead of this fake stuff that we see. I'm a gold standard guy.

Celebrating a tie in soccer is un-American and makes me want to puke

The amount of celebration over a tie makes me want to puke... Very un-American. We play to win the game. That's why we've won every war we've ever been in. That's America.

Christian Pulisic will make soccer the biggest sport in America

This guy, he is going to make soccer the biggest sport in America. This is the guy. It actually already happened with Freddy Adu, and then John Harkes, and then DeMarcus Beasley, but it's happening again before our eyes.

Morton Andersen is the best soccer player of all time

Morton Andersen, best soccer player of all time. [Because Ronaldo's goals are only worth one point].

Lacrosse teams should just shoot the puck/ball more

I feel like they need to shoot more. I'm just going to say it. As a coach, if I was a coach of a lax team, I'd say just shoot. Shoot the puck a little bit more... Just put pucks on net.

Cristiano Ronaldo's goals are easy and anyone could do them

I could fucking do that. Left footed. He's a finisher. Who isn't? We all finish.

Leicester City winning the Premier League was crazier than the Cubs or Cavs championships

[Leicester winning] was by far of those four. That's like kind of what we want people to compare... Leicester City, that was freaking weird, especially given how they're not very good this year either.

Soccer needs scandals like the Kardashians or star players fighting fans to blow up in America

I really do think, though, that soccer, if soccer wants to blow up in America, they need to start just doing the things that are classic American sports. Someone needs to date a Kardashian. Someone needs to maybe tweet a picture of their penis by accident. Go into the stands and fight a guy.

FIFA is a dependable and trustworthy organization

FIFA? Yeah. FIFA is very clear on [shady betting]. They don't like people making money via shady means at all. Exactly. That's an organization that you can depend on.

I own a piece of Swansea City AFC

You and I are both owners of Swansea... I own like 0.08% of 1%. I'm part of one of the groups that bought Swansea.

The USWNT coach is terrified of Hope Solo and is too scared to bench her

I've got a working theory that everybody's just terrified. The coach is terrified to put [Hope Solo] on the bench.

The U.S. will win a World Cup in the next 10 years

First question for you, Landon, will the U.S. win a World Cup in the next 10 years? [Landon]: Yes.

Jurgen Klinsmann will still be the U.S. coach in 2018

I do believe [Jurgen Klinsmann] will be the coach in 2018. I think there's been a lot of ups and downs during his tenure, but I think recently the team has looked better.

College is still a great option for many aspiring professional soccer players in the U.S.

Not only staying in Major League Soccer, but for a lot of people, college is still a great option to play college soccer and get a scholarship. I mean, very few people, as you know, go from a high school star to being a professional player. It's a very small percentage.

LeBron James would be the best soccer goalie of all time, but he is too tall to be an elite field player

If LeBron James decided to play soccer instead of basketball, would he be the best soccer player of all time? [Landon]: I mean, he's still a little tall to be able to move the way – he'd probably be the best goalie of all time.

If I were offered $15 million to play next year, I would come out of retirement

If someone were to offer you $15 million to play next year, would you play? [Landon]: Yes.

USA Rugby Sevens will go 3-0 in their Olympic group

I think we're optimistic and we're going for three and oh... Fiji, we're number one team in the world this year. Um, so they'd have to be favorites, but we've shown we can beat them.

Lionel Messi is bleaching his hair to hide from tax fraud investigators

So, well, he did have brown hair, and now he just bleached it totally blonde. This adds to my theory that maybe he's a relative of Nazi... that's how you get away from tax fraud or whatever he was doing with his dad.

Portugal was a better soccer team without Cristiano Ronaldo in the Euro 2016 Final

I'm going to go with hurt because he actually made the team better. I think the question has to be asked now, like, was Cristiano Ronaldo actually holding Portugal back? So better team without him. Kind of like the whole Steph Curry situation where the boys, the lads on the pitch just really opened up the game and the spacing was better.

People in Portugal speak 'Brazilian' which is why they are good at soccer

People forget that they speak Brazilian in Portugal... The two best soccer teams in the world, Brazil and Portugal, both speak Brazilian. So it makes you wonder, like, maybe more countries should start speaking Brazilian if they want to master the beautiful game.

The German soccer team's aggression always comes too late in major matches

And once again, the German subs were a little bit too late. A little too late. And I noticed that their aggression didn't come until a little bit later, too. Usually the Germans are a little bit more aggressive early on.

Lionel Messi is afraid of killing everyone in Argentina because he chokes so much

Messi's afraid of killing everybody in Argentina because he chokes so much. So he's doing the right thing and dropping out. And I'd like to see players in the U.S. start to drop out for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones.

Lionel Messi lacks the clutch gene and is likely a relative of Nazi Josef Mengele

I think that Messi might be a relative of a Nazi because a lot of them went to Argentina after the war to try to escape. Now, there was a doctor [Josef Mengele]... He was unable to uncover the clutch gene and isolate it. And that's why, you know, like Hitler, if he had had the clutch gene, he probably wouldn't have choked... Mingel moved to South America, had sex with an Argentinian. A few years later you get [Messi].

Lionel Messi should go to Cleveland and win a championship to repair his legacy

When the whole world thinks you're a quitter and is down on you, you go to Cleveland and you win a championship.

Under Armour signed Lionel Messi because they specialize in signing the biggest chokers in sports

Congratulations to Under Armour for apparently signing Lionel Messi to round out their stable of Spieth, Cam Newton, and Steph Curry, the biggest chokers in the world.

You can't fart during a soccer game because it's a 'beautiful' and 'classy' game

I don't want, I mean, that's, you can't fart during a soccer game. Everyone knows that. ... It's a beautiful game. ... We, you don't do that shit. It's a classy game.

The US Men's National Soccer Team could make some noise in the next two World Cups

I'd say that [soccer is] better than ever. I would say not this World Cup and next World Cup. The U.S. could really make some noise.

A statement loss to Mexico is what the US soccer team needs to announce its global presence

What you really want – now, I want to see the United States – barely lose to Mexico in a statement loss. And that could be what really announces our presence on the global scale.

The United States soccer team is the Indiana Pacers of the global scale

The thing about Klinsmann is the United States in soccer is the Indiana Pacers. We've never done anything great, really. We've had a couple good players every now and again. But we think that we're entitled to be a really good team.

The summer of 2016 is when soccer officially catches on in the US, especially if they can get a 'big tie' against Brazil

This is the summer it catches on. You watch. Some people have called it the summer of soccer. I think so. If they could get a big tie against like a Brazil or something, that's the launching point for soccer being the biggest sport in America.