Takes

The NCAA is a 'supervillain' organization for fining players who aren't allowed to earn money.

I applaud the NCAA for figuring out a way to find your players who aren't allowed to be making money and expect them to pay you to come back and play. It's next-level supervillainry, so congratulations for innovation.

Zion Williamson shooting 80% in the preseason is incredibly impressive

Last three preseason games, 77 points in 81 minutes and 29 for 36 field goals, shooting 80%... 80% is pretty damn good, I would say.

Joe Maddon will not return as the manager of the Chicago Cubs.

Joe Maddon out as Cubs manager... Joe Maddon will not return as manager of the Cubs. What's your Source? My brain.

Urban Meyer will definitely coach football again

My who's back is Urban Meyer because Urban Meyer said he misses football. Oh, you think? That actually could just be that because he's definitely going to coach. So shout out all the people who said that he actually was retiring for real this time. You're an idiot.

Novak Djokovic's shoulder injury at the US Open was real and only worsened as the match progressed

Because it [Djokovic's injury] got worse and worse as he lost the first two sets, idiot. You lose the first two sets, and then it's like, ow, my fucking arm really hurts.

The Derek Carr media hype machine is funny because we know he isn't a superstar

The Derek Carr media hype machine that's trying to get behind a guy who we really know who he is, and that's not a terrible quarterback, but he's not a superstar quarterback, is very, very funny to me. Because they're basically trying to wheel themselves into Derek Carr as our starter.

Dana White should put Greg Hardy in a ring with Francis Ngannou or Stipe Miocic

I don't understand why Dana White... There are so many guys that can kick [Greg Hardy's] ass, and he keeps fighting tomato kids. Have Francis Ngannou just beat the fuck out of him. Stipe Miocic, he'd kick his ass.

NASA t-shirts are going to be the next major fashion trend in the United States

I've spotted the next one, the next Levi's. NASA shirts. NASA shirts are fucking everywhere in Europe... I don't pretend to know why these things happen. But as a fashionista, I was cursed with an eye for noticing these details. NASA is back in a big fucking way.

I will eat PFT Commenter's ass if Christian Yelich wins the Home Run Derby

We're screwed because Christian Yelich is in the Home Run Derby. We said we'd eat each other's asses if he wins the Home Run Derby.

Adam Gase is the most paranoid person in the world and hiring him is a massive mistake

One other high-level evaluator with a different team said that this is the biggest mistake anyone in the NFL has made in years. Gase is crazy. He's the most paranoid person in the world. This will be like Todd Haley on crack.

James Harden definitively lacks the clutch gene

Now we finally have a guy who we can say lacks the clutch gene. Definitively. He and Chris Paul. No clutch gene between the two of them.

Paul Pierce is making himself look overrated by actively claiming he's better than Dwyane Wade

Paul Pierce made the ultimate error where Paul Pierce is the perfect guy that if he just kind of stays under the radar, everyone will say, hey, you know who's better than people give him credit for? Paul Pierce. But when he says he's like actively says he's better than someone, people will roast him... now you've done the reverse. And everyone's like, Paul Pierce was overrated.

Country Trap is back and here to stay

Country Trap is back and it's going to stay around for a while... All I'm saying is we talked about it on the show and now [Lil Nas X] is number one and number three on the charts.

Isaiah Thomas deserves a tribute video from the Boston Celtics

My Who's Back of the Week is Isaiah Thomas... He's playing the Celtics tonight. I think they have to play the video. He deserves a tribute video. He was a great Celtics player, and he's back tonight. I hope he gets it.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is the perfect Dolphins QB and will definitely beat the Patriots once during the season

I don't think there's been a more perfect move in the history of the NFL than Ryan Fitzpatrick going to the Dolphins... Ryan Fitzpatrick is like the perfect, we can rebuild, but he'll give us four or five wins... if you don't think that Ryan Fitzpatrick is beating the Patriots once this year, you don't know football.

Tiger Woods will win the Masters this year

Tiger will win the Masters this year. [If he doesn't] I'll get Hank two years of tuna fish for his cat.

Tom Brady is a prisoner of his own success because of his extreme superstitions

Tom Brady's success is so successful and won so many Super Bowls, how many little things like this do you think he does in a day-to-day basis where he's like, well, it's helped me get to where I'm at? He's basically stuck in the most superstitious life of all time... He's permanently stuck upside down because he keeps winning Super Bowls... He's a prisoner of his own success.

Saints fans are justified in being salty for months because the Rams only scored three points

If you're a Saints fan... that is the worst possible outcome to get over the loss... you have to sit there and say Drew Brees would not score three points in the Super Bowl. You have permission for me to continue all your salty behavior for another three months.

LeBron James wants to reunion with Kyrie Irving on the Lakers

LeBron Instagram storied a song called Rewind and said, 'this is that shit, Kyrie Irving.' ... LeBron James wanted to go back in time, press that rewind button, and have Kyrie on his team.

Oklahoma will make the College Football Playoff over Ohio State

Oklahoma will go in over Ohio State. Especially because you have... if they beat Texas in the Big 12 championship game, their loss to Texas basically doesn't count anymore.

Clemson is the one team that can actually beat Alabama.

I am getting back on my take from earlier that I think that Clemson could beat Alabama. I really think they could. I think Dabo... Dabo is as close to Nick Saban as this next generation of coaches is going to get.

Kyler Murray should win the Heisman Trophy over Tua Tagovailoa because his efficiency metrics are better.

If you want another take that you want to throw out there... Kyler Murray for Heisman. And then everyone says, but Tua didn't play fourth quarters. And you say, well, if you take away Kyler Murray's fourth quarters, he still has better numbers than Tua. Boom.

Jimmer Fredette will get another shot in the NBA

The Mormon Megalodon dropped 75 in China... He'll get another shot. I don't know about that. We'll see.

Floyd Mayweather is a certified idiot if he agrees to anything other than a boxing match against Tenshin Nasukawa

If it's anything but a boxing match, Floyd Mayweather is a certified idiot. ... That's why I think he's going to get kicked in the face. Yeah, this is all fake.

LeBron James' vote of confidence for Luke Walton is a kiss of death

LeBron getting coaches fired... So he gave Luke Walton a vote of confidence. So you know what that means... Suspect kiss of death. ... You know what that means when LeBron says, no, I like Luke Walton. Yeah, you're done.

The Bears will be in first place in the NFC North (for now)

The Bears are back. They're number one. NFC North. Just saying. I don't know if we'll hold on to it for very long, but you have to enjoy the small steps, okay?

Urban Meyer can't get his team ready for inferior opponents

Urban Meyer's sad faces on the sideline because Ohio State lost a game that they should have won... people are saying, not me, people are saying, Urban Meyer, can he get his team ready for the inferior opponents? I don't know... but this is now becoming a trend for Urban Meyer.

Conor McGregor will lose to Khabib Nurmagomedov

My Who's Back of the Week is Conor McGregor... maybe because he's going to lose. He is going against Khabib... who wrestled bears as a child.

Aaron Rodgers is surly, malcontent, and uncoachable

They hate each other. They always have hated each other. It's great to watch. Aaron Rodgers, surly, malcontent, uncoachable.

Tiger Woods is all the way back

Tiger Woods is all the way back. He won the Tour Championship... Tiger Woods still was able to break through to anyone who's even watching football who doesn't even care about golf.

Wisconsin is out of the national title race after losing to BYU

The one redeeming quality about Wisconsin Badger football fans is we are realists to a fault. I never, we're not, we're out of the national, you know. It's not going to happen. We could win every game and it still wouldn't happen. You can't lose as 23 and a half point favorites.

DC Sports is back following Elena Delle Donne's performance and the Nationals' .500 record

My Who's Back of the Week is DC Sports. DC Sports is back. The Nats are 69-69. ... And the Mystics are still in the playoffs. Elena Delle Donne... basically broke her leg in half. ... But she came back, put the team on her goddamn back.

I will not believe Texas football is 'back' until they win a meaningful bowl game

I am firmly in the camp of I will not listen to any Texas who's back until they actually play in a meaningful bowl game... I feel like Texas every year, they're back, and they're going to go 7-5.

Little League sound bites will soon become fake and self-aware, ruining the magic

Do you think there will be a point where these kids become a little self-aware and start doing this? Because Big Al is, like, so beautiful because he's genuine. But we're going to get to that point where they're going to try to start making sound bites and stuff, and it's going to ruin it.

Urban Meyer's defense in the Zach Smith scandal is just 'passing the buck' to Gene Smith

Urban Meyer has figured out his defense, and it is kind of what we all expected. He released a statement... and he basically went with the, I have always followed proper reporting protocols... Gene Smith, you are pretty much fucked and Urban Meyer's just gonna say yeah he told everyone and it's your fault for not doing anything.

I finally have a football game to watch every single week from now until the second week of February

We have finally gotten to the point where we will have a football game every single week until the second week of February. We have the Hall of Fame game on Thursday night. There will be a football game every single week.

The Cleveland Browns will win seven games this year

I have something very brave to say. I think the Cleveland Browns are going to win seven games this year.

Loneliness has the same effect on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day

Loneliness has the same effect on [mortality] as smoking 15 cigarettes a day... so if you're lonely, just smoke a bunch of cigarettes and you'll actually be healthier [because you'll make friends].

History will remember Carmelo Anthony as someone who sucked, forgetting how good he actually was

Here's what's going to happen to Melo, which kind of sucks. Because Melo, I mean, all-time scorer... He's definitely going to play for a couple more years, and everyone's going to look back and be like, Melo sucked. They will not remember that Melo was very, very good.

Drake's Degrassi reunion video was a calculated response to Pusha T's diss track

Drake decided that his response for the diss track basically coming at his entire livelihood... was to just do a video from his childhood acting days. Big Degrassi reunion.

Pusha T killed Drake in their rap beef

So Pusha T killed Drake. Yes. Drake cannot stop. He's still going to come out with an album. We'll probably have some subtle shots, but I don't think he's going to come out with a full-on diss track.

Millennials are saving the frozen food industry

Frozen food is also back. So a lot of people bash us millennials and say we're only good for avocados and things of that nature. But it turns out that millennials are saving the frozen food industry.

I will eat one bite of horse shit if the Capitals beat the Penguins

I think you should have to eat shit if they beat the Penguins. Agreed. Just one bite. I'm not saying... Just one bite. Everyone knows the rules. ... Caps beat the Penguins. We're going to Central Park, and PFT's going to eat some shit. Just one bite.

Derek Jeter will not last five years as Marlins owner

I'm being told by some other people I know in baseball... We don't think Jeter lasts the five years. We think that the owners and investors have a pressure on him.

Oscar De La Hoya's alleged sex tape is one of the wildest ever

The sex tape features one blonde and one brunette... in one scene, the women are seen performing sex acts on him with kitchen utensils. [A source] said it's one of the wildest sex tapes he's ever watched.

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.

Sergio Garcia will choke in the big moments of The Masters

Sergio, I think this ship has sailed for him. He chokes every time he's in a big moment. It's Tiger. You know, it's a mental thing at this point. The second he hears Tiger sneaking up on him... he's going to melt down.

Scouts will reasonably drop Shaquem Griffin in the draft because he only has one hand

I can't wait for people to get mad when he falls in the draft a little bit. Look, I think he's a good player, and he did well at the Combine, but he does not have one hand. So, like, I think... That's a fair criticism to throw out there. That doesn't mean that he's not going to be a good NFL player, but I think most scouts would probably say, I'd prefer two hands than one.

John Beilein is one of the best coaches in college basketball

John Beilein's an unbelievable coach. I do not root for Michigan, but John Beilein is one of the best coaches in college basketball. I'm comfortable saying that.

The Philadelphia sports winning streak will end when baseball season starts

I mean, I don't know when this run is going to cease. Probably baseball season. Hopefully. Definitely baseball season.