Takes

The Minnesota Vikings franchise is the 'Hall of Very Good' of NFL teams

Minnesota Vikings franchise hall of very good 65 seasons. 32 playoff appearances in 65 seasons. They've literally been in the playoffs almost exactly half the time. ... They've never won a Super Bowl. They're the hall of very good franchises.

Manny Ramirez is a Mt. Rushmore steroid user for getting caught with female fertility drugs

I'll take Manny Ramirez. The way he got caught was very funny... he was taking like a female fertility drug. They had a system to kind of get by the testing that was foolproof. Manny Ramirez just forgot and like took it on the wrong day. Came in, got tested, got busted.

Caitlin Clark is on the 'can't win the big one' list because she never won a title at Iowa

Caitlin Clark can't win the big one. She has not been able to win the big one. She lost... she literally college cannot win the big one and like, I don't know what else you could say about it.

Having kids is a massive money pit

I want to say that I don't see this as a waste, but it is a waste. Having kids is just... it's a money pit. ... If you buy a kid a toy, they play with it for about five minutes. Then they're like, I'm gonna play with your fucking shoes or something that could kill me. ... You should actually just adopt your kids when they're 17 years old. You spend way less money on them.

Hosting the World Cup or Olympics is a massive waste of money for a country

Hosting the World Cup or the Olympics. ... Hosting a massive world event. I think Qatar spent like $2 trillion or some bullshit hosting the World Cup. ... At the end of the day, they're gonna have stadiums all around their country that are never gonna get used again. ... Have you seen the Chinese stadiums? They're like, I think wolves live there now.

I pee in 100% of the pools I have ever been in

I piss in every pool I've ever been in. Yep. A hundred percent. Yep. All the time. ... Every pool I've ever been in, in my entire life. Every pool I've pissed in.

The Nuclear Powered Aircraft Carrier is the ultimate piece of heavy machinery

Nuclear powered aircraft carrier... they can just go forever because they got a nuclear reactor on board... China doesn't have an actual [one]... It's why we're the GOAT.

Kicking a field goal down 8 points in the NFC Championship was a terrible idea

Kicking a field goal down eight with two minutes left and the best quarterback of all time on the opposing team in the NFC championship game. Yes. That would be a bad idea. Mathematically and spiritually also just bad vibes from that decision. My goal is to never, ever let that go.

Not pulling out is a bad idea

Not pulling out. He's saying not pulling out when you were supposed to pull out. [Big Cat: You're against cream pies?] Billy Football, anti-cream pie.

A Twizzler can be used as a straw for drinking Coke

You know, what's the best part about Twizzlers? If you bite both ends, you can use it as straw. That's true... get a large Coke. Yeah. Longs, Twizzlers bite. Both ends use the Twizzler as a straw for the Coke.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

Corn is a fruit

Corn. Corn is a fruit. Can you guys believe that? An ear of corn is not technically a fruit. Instead, each kernel is a fruit. Exactly.

Thai food is prevalent in America because of a soft power directive by the Thai government

Thai food is only prevalent in America because of a directive by the Thai government... in the early nineties [they] wanted to spread Thai culture as a form of soft power. And so there's Thai food all over completely disproportionate to the amount of Thai people in the United States.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

The US government stores 1.4 billion pounds of surplus cheese in caves in Missouri

There are just caves in America with cheese in them... 1.4 billion pounds of cheese... Springfield, Missouri... deep and converted Limestone mines caves kept perfectly at 36 degrees Fahrenheit store stockpiles... hundreds of feet below the ground.

The term 'glow up' was created by Chief Keef

The term glow up, came from Chief Keef when he was like 16 [with] Glo Gang and his friends... he created that, but now it's like a very mainstream term.

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

Miami Marlins are the most edible team name in professional sports

I was actually I went through all the teams and I was like, what is just the most edible thing? And I think it's the Miami Marlins. I would take the Marlins. I would eat them Marlyn. And I think that's something people actually eat. I believe so. I, they look delicious.

Zoom happy hours suck and the novelty wore off in two weeks

Zoom happy hours. Remember when people tried to make that a thing? Everyone acted like, oh, we don't see our friends, so let's do a happy hour on Zoom. And then I think people did it for like a week or two... Everyone realized it sucked.

Jay Glazer 'held the world hostage' with a dud scoop about a player getting COVID

Jay Glazer held the world hostage for 24 hours thinking he was going to break the biggest news ever and then just told us a guy [Brian Allen] got coronavirus. But he was fine. Hundreds of thousands of, I think millions, yeah, millions of people have had coronavirus and he was like, big news coming tomorrow.

I'm genuinely happy that Chase Stokes and Madelyn Cline from 'Outer Banks' are dating in real life

John B and Sarah Cameron dating in real life. Yes. Fuck. Yes. That is so hot. That's awesome. Oh fuck. Yes. All right. I need all the Deets on that... Chase Stokes and Maddie in real life. According to—get stoked—Ria's already—Ria's where's my heart is about to burst.

Daisuke Matsuzaka's gyroball was the biggest lie in sports

Daisuke Matsuzaka... I was promised the gyro ball. I was promised the gyroball. Okay, and I never got the Gyro Bowl. I was told that he had like 500 different pitches that he could throw that he was going to come over and do things that no human arm had ever done before... then he came over and he threw like 93 on the black.

Age 25 is the peak for physical strength in the human body

I'll go with 25. Peak strength. That is the human body's at your peak strength. [...] It's scientific fact. When you're 24 or 25, that's why BYU always wins games. [...] 25 is your peak strength.

Bees are the most important farm animals because they sustain the ecosystem

I'm going with bees. They're actually the most important animal that you can have. And when they're dying at an alarming rate, then all the other plants and animals in the ecosystem, they face a rapid decline in population once the bees are gone.

NC State is the most average college football team in history

North Carolina State football... they are five-ten overall for their entire history. Five hundred and ten winning percentage. They have twenty-three of the last 40 years they've gone to a bowl game. All the bowl games are like the exact same... the Gator Bowl, the Sun Bowl, the Independence Bowl... Every year is basically 7, 8, 9 [wins].

If you have a stubborn fart, you should get on all fours like a dog to release it

You know when you've got to really fart bad and you can't and you get on all fours? That's a good position... Someday my son's going to come out and be like, well, dad, why are you on the floor? I got to fart. Son, this is how we fart.

The Odell Beckham Jr. hair trend is already over

How do we feel about Odell Beckham hair? Is that going to be around two years? No way. That's over. Zac Efron has it now.

The Herschel Walker trade is the worst in NFL history

I'll go with the worst trade in NFL history, Herschel Walker to the Vikings that basically started the entire dynasty for the Cowboys in the 90s... and then the Cowboys won three Super Bowls.

Ralphie the Buffalo is actually a female

People forget Ralphie's actually a woman. I knew I was right. Ralphie has been called one of the best live mascots in sports, and she is often erroneously labeled male.

An overcrowded bar actually makes less money than one with 20% fewer people

You know what's funny is that bar with 20% less people in it would actually make more money that night. And that's the sign of a rookie owner. Because when a bar gets that crowded, I can't get waitresses to you. Bartenders can't serve everyone. Half the people in the room don't have drinks.

Phoenix is a sleeper NBA city with huge potential

Number two, kind of a sleeper city for me, is Phoenix. Young. It's a good time. Great weather always. I like to get in there a little early. Just take my claim, put them on the Mount Rushmore, and then when they do blow up, it's like, hey, I was here from the beginning.

LeBron James is still fighting his inevitable baldness but will eventually have to give in

See, [LeBron] is fighting it. He's really still fighting it. Eventually, he'll come home, but he's putting up the good fight.

Josh McCown is the perfect backup quarterback

Josh McCown is the perfect backup quarterback. Because he doesn't rock the boat. He's just good enough to maybe show a little flash here and there. But then if you have to have him play more than a couple games, you're like, okay. He looks good in a set of front pleated khakis.