Takes

The Minnesota Vikings franchise is the 'Hall of Very Good' of NFL teams

Minnesota Vikings franchise hall of very good 65 seasons. 32 playoff appearances in 65 seasons. They've literally been in the playoffs almost exactly half the time. ... They've never won a Super Bowl. They're the hall of very good franchises.

Pepper jack cheese is white, not yellow

Pepper jack is white dude. It's all white, red and green. You picked a white cheese. If pepper jack's not yellow then no cheese should have been allowed.

The losers of the 2023 Mount Rushmore competition will have to do a 24-hour stream with their partner

This is it. This is a finale of Mount Rushmore season... someone will be in a 24 hour stream with their partner for all of us to watch narrate.

Having kids is a massive money pit

I want to say that I don't see this as a waste, but it is a waste. Having kids is just... it's a money pit. ... If you buy a kid a toy, they play with it for about five minutes. Then they're like, I'm gonna play with your fucking shoes or something that could kill me. ... You should actually just adopt your kids when they're 17 years old. You spend way less money on them.

Hosting the World Cup or Olympics is a massive waste of money for a country

Hosting the World Cup or the Olympics. ... Hosting a massive world event. I think Qatar spent like $2 trillion or some bullshit hosting the World Cup. ... At the end of the day, they're gonna have stadiums all around their country that are never gonna get used again. ... Have you seen the Chinese stadiums? They're like, I think wolves live there now.

LOL is the most used acronym in the world

LOL is pound for pound the number one most used acronym of all. Most notorious. I put notoriety in there... mass appeal. MASS APPEAL.

Without the blues, there would be no rock and roll

Without blues, there'd be no rock and roll. That's a fact. That's a stone cold fact.

I pee in 100% of the pools I have ever been in

I piss in every pool I've ever been in. Yep. A hundred percent. Yep. All the time. ... Every pool I've ever been in, in my entire life. Every pool I've pissed in.

The Nuclear Powered Aircraft Carrier is the ultimate piece of heavy machinery

Nuclear powered aircraft carrier... they can just go forever because they got a nuclear reactor on board... China doesn't have an actual [one]... It's why we're the GOAT.

The losing team of Mount Rushmore season must do a 24-hour solitary confinement stream in a white padded room

The punishment that I am offering up for Mount Rushmore season is the losing team has to do a 24-hour stream in a white padded room. Solitary confinement. Obviously you're not solitary because you're with someone else. 24 hours. Nothing else in the room.

Kicking a field goal down 8 points in the NFC Championship was a terrible idea

Kicking a field goal down eight with two minutes left and the best quarterback of all time on the opposing team in the NFC championship game. Yes. That would be a bad idea. Mathematically and spiritually also just bad vibes from that decision. My goal is to never, ever let that go.

A Twizzler can be used as a straw for drinking Coke

You know, what's the best part about Twizzlers? If you bite both ends, you can use it as straw. That's true... get a large Coke. Yeah. Longs, Twizzlers bite. Both ends use the Twizzler as a straw for the Coke.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

The 2022 North Carolina Tar Heels are the ultimate spoiler team for ruining Coach K's legacy

The North Carolina tar heels? 20, 22 were spoiler. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Spoiled coach K. Yep. Spoiled his entire legacy.

Thai food is prevalent in America because of a soft power directive by the Thai government

Thai food is only prevalent in America because of a directive by the Thai government... in the early nineties [they] wanted to spread Thai culture as a form of soft power. And so there's Thai food all over completely disproportionate to the amount of Thai people in the United States.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

Men digest food 14 hours faster than women because men 'just get shit done'

A Mayo clinic study showed that the digestion process moves faster in men. It takes 33 hours mouth to butt in men and 47 hours for women... men are digesting 14 hours faster than women. And we just get shit done.

The US government stores 1.4 billion pounds of surplus cheese in caves in Missouri

There are just caves in America with cheese in them... 1.4 billion pounds of cheese... Springfield, Missouri... deep and converted Limestone mines caves kept perfectly at 36 degrees Fahrenheit store stockpiles... hundreds of feet below the ground.

The term 'glow up' was created by Chief Keef

The term glow up, came from Chief Keef when he was like 16 [with] Glo Gang and his friends... he created that, but now it's like a very mainstream term.

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

Miami Marlins are the most edible team name in professional sports

I was actually I went through all the teams and I was like, what is just the most edible thing? And I think it's the Miami Marlins. I would take the Marlins. I would eat them Marlyn. And I think that's something people actually eat. I believe so. I, they look delicious.

Zoom happy hours suck and the novelty wore off in two weeks

Zoom happy hours. Remember when people tried to make that a thing? Everyone acted like, oh, we don't see our friends, so let's do a happy hour on Zoom. And then I think people did it for like a week or two... Everyone realized it sucked.

The 'Wood' meme will be remembered as the dominant group chat prank of the 2020 quarantine

Wood memes. When they were just... That was all anyone could text for about a week and a half... Every fucking text you opened. Every link you clicked on.

Jay Glazer 'held the world hostage' with a dud scoop about a player getting COVID

Jay Glazer held the world hostage for 24 hours thinking he was going to break the biggest news ever and then just told us a guy [Brian Allen] got coronavirus. But he was fine. Hundreds of thousands of, I think millions, yeah, millions of people have had coronavirus and he was like, big news coming tomorrow.

I'm genuinely happy that Chase Stokes and Madelyn Cline from 'Outer Banks' are dating in real life

John B and Sarah Cameron dating in real life. Yes. Fuck. Yes. That is so hot. That's awesome. Oh fuck. Yes. All right. I need all the Deets on that... Chase Stokes and Maddie in real life. According to—get stoked—Ria's already—Ria's where's my heart is about to burst.

All dogs die

All dogs die. ... It's a hard pill to swallow. ... The human death is, yes, it's obviously worse, but you don't deal with it in the amount that, like, if you live to 80, you're going to have probably eight dogs, nine dogs.

Guy Fieri would be a Hall of Fame guest for this show

I'm going to go with Guy Fieri. I think that guy would be a great guy to have on the show. He would be a guy's guy. Football guy. A guy's guy's guy guy. A guy's guy. We could talk to him about the Raiders. We could talk to him about Donkey Sauce.

Daisuke Matsuzaka's gyroball was the biggest lie in sports

Daisuke Matsuzaka... I was promised the gyro ball. I was promised the gyroball. Okay, and I never got the Gyro Bowl. I was told that he had like 500 different pitches that he could throw that he was going to come over and do things that no human arm had ever done before... then he came over and he threw like 93 on the black.

Age 25 is the peak for physical strength in the human body

I'll go with 25. Peak strength. That is the human body's at your peak strength. [...] It's scientific fact. When you're 24 or 25, that's why BYU always wins games. [...] 25 is your peak strength.

Bees are the most important farm animals because they sustain the ecosystem

I'm going with bees. They're actually the most important animal that you can have. And when they're dying at an alarming rate, then all the other plants and animals in the ecosystem, they face a rapid decline in population once the bees are gone.

NC State is the most average college football team in history

North Carolina State football... they are five-ten overall for their entire history. Five hundred and ten winning percentage. They have twenty-three of the last 40 years they've gone to a bowl game. All the bowl games are like the exact same... the Gator Bowl, the Sun Bowl, the Independence Bowl... Every year is basically 7, 8, 9 [wins].

If you have a stubborn fart, you should get on all fours like a dog to release it

You know when you've got to really fart bad and you can't and you get on all fours? That's a good position... Someday my son's going to come out and be like, well, dad, why are you on the floor? I got to fart. Son, this is how we fart.

The Odell Beckham Jr. hair trend is officially over because Zac Efron has it now

How do we feel about Odell Beckham hair? Is that going to be around two years? No way. That's over. Zac Efron has it now.

The incidence of play on pinball machines is much higher when they are placed near dartboards

If you're going to have dartboards, you've got to have at least one pinball machine, and here's why. When people are waiting to play darts, they'll play pinball. And the incidence of play on pinball games is much higher when there's dartboards nearby for that reason.

The Herschel Walker trade is the worst in NFL history

I'll go with the worst trade in NFL history, Herschel Walker to the Vikings that basically started the entire dynasty for the Cowboys in the 90s... and then the Cowboys won three Super Bowls.

Ralphie the Buffalo is actually a female

People forget Ralphie's actually a woman. I knew I was right. Ralphie has been called one of the best live mascots in sports, and she is often erroneously labeled male.

Brock Osweiler has no idea what he is looking at on the field despite his physical advantages

Brock Osweiler is beautiful because he's like a deer in the pocket where he's just falling over himself. And he's got all that height to see everything, but he has no idea what he's looking at. So he just ends up throwing the ball at defenders all day.

Rugby is the fastest growing sport in America

I can't say rugby because rugby is definitely not obscure. It's very mainstream. In fact, fastest growing sport in America.

An overcrowded bar actually makes less money than one with 20% fewer people

You know what's funny is that bar with 20% less people in it would actually make more money that night. And that's the sign of a rookie owner. Because when a bar gets that crowded, I can't get waitresses to you. Bartenders can't serve everyone. Half the people in the room don't have drinks.

Phoenix is a sleeper NBA city with huge potential

Number two, kind of a sleeper city for me, is Phoenix. Young. It's a good time. Great weather always. I like to get in there a little early. Just take my claim, put them on the Mount Rushmore, and then when they do blow up, it's like, hey, I was here from the beginning.

LeBron James is still fighting his inevitable baldness but will eventually have to give in

See, [LeBron] is fighting it. He's really still fighting it. Eventually, he'll come home, but he's putting up the good fight.

Josh McCown is the perfect backup quarterback

Josh McCown is the perfect backup quarterback. Because he doesn't rock the boat. He's just good enough to maybe show a little flash here and there. But then if you have to have him play more than a couple games, you're like, okay. He looks good in a set of front pleated khakis.

LaRon Landry is the number one steroid user because he is 'half Hulk.'

Number one [steroid user], I got LaRon Landry. Oh, you're going outside of baseball. Okay. There were a couple pictures of LaRon where it was like, this dude is half Hulk.

'Out of pocket' is the worst office buzzword because nobody knows what it actually means

Number one, I cannot stand when people say out of pocket. I don't even know what that means... See, this is the worst buzzword because no one even knows what it means. So when you say out of pocket, you're an asshole for this. It could also go on the Mount Rushmore of excuses. I'm out of pocket. And then when someone says, I thought you were out of pocket, you had your phone on you, said, no, I'm out of pocket. I don't have my phone. I don't have anything. I'm out of pocket.