Takes

XFL quarterback Landry Jones will be an NFL or college football broadcaster within a year and a half.

I think that he [Landry Jones] wants to get a gig being an analyst or being in the booth next year. I think that's what he's angling for because he's being like super Pro... you will see Landry Jones in some sort of Booth or behind a desk within the next year and a half.

A real American stays inside on Sunday and watches the Pro Bowl

Hey, you know what it means to be a real American? You stay inside on Sunday and you watch the Pro Bowl. Yeah, you watch the Pro Bowl. You bet on the Pro Bowl. That's what an American does.

Aaron Rodgers is having a better year than Deshaun Watson

There's a chance that Aaron Rodgers is having a better year than Deshaun Watson... Sean Watson is very bad.

Adam Schefter will likely leave ESPN in the near future

Schefter... maybe Schefter thinking, you know, I'm going to be leaving ESPN soon. I can start giving a couple back here... Do you think Schefter lets Rappaport break the news that he leaves ESPN?

There is a 94.9% chance Deshaun Watson is traded before the deadline

95 is the kiss of death. I should say 94.9 because I've learned anytime anybody says there's a 95% chance of something happening, it never happens. So 94.9% chance. Miami 75, Carolina 24, 1% some crazy wildcard team.

My 2021 College Football Playoff field is Alabama, Ohio State, Clemson, and Oregon

I am doing the least chalky chalk I can, as far as my official predictions. I've got my playoff being Alabama, Ohio State, Clemson and Oregon.

The Golden State Warriors are going to be even better this season

I think the warriors are gonna be even better. Ooh.

The scented candle incident could be what brings down the Golden State Warriors

A scented candle, $15. I bet they wish that this story never got out. [Kevin Durant] was involved in these hijinks from the start... So he's breaking the team up. That little jokester. Maybe this is what brings down the Warriors. Candlegate.

The Golden State Warriors might have chemistry issues because they have 'too many chiefs'

I don't know if they have enough shots. Everyone's going to want to shoot the ball. I don't know how it's going to work... Too many chiefs, not enough Indians. That's how I think it's going to go, but we'll see.

The Golden State Warriors are now Klay Thompson's team

It's Klay's team now. It has to be his team.

The Golden State Warriors are a worse team with Kevin Durant.

I said that they were going to be worse with [Kevin Durant]. I said that. I was the only one. You called me an idiot. Guess what? The black hole is leaving Oakland, but he's the new black hole.

The Golden State Warriors might be done after losing Game 1 to the Celtics

I actually believe that... the rest, you know, they're done. Yeah. They might be done. I think they might be done when they're done. I think they might be done. I really do think the way they lost this and the fact that the Celtics, like I know that they're their shot-making... what the Celtics can rely on and what they do better than anyone else is, they locked down on defense.

The 2016 Golden State Warriors will win the NBA title and become an all-time team

The Golden State Warriors won their 72nd game last night against the Spurs. So now they are an all-time team. Unless they don't win the title. If they don't win the title, then it really doesn't matter. But we all kind of assume they will win the title. The Spurs will probably give them a great series. They will be an all-time team.

The Golden State Warriors dynasty is on pause, not over

It's not demolition. Dynasty not over, just dynasty on pause... I think if you win another in the next three years, then it still counts. It blends together as the same.

The Golden State Warriors will beat the Los Angeles Lakers in the play-in tournament specifically for the TV ratings

What I think is gonna happen in the West, we're gonna see Lakers-Warriors in a play-in game... Warriors would win that... for the ratings.

The Golden State Warriors are soft 'candy-ass'

If you can put a live cam on Steph Curry and the rest of the soft candy-ass Golden State Warriors watching the finals that they should be in. That would be great.

Gabrielle Union would ruin the Golden State Warriors' chemistry

I hope that [Dwyane Wade] goes to Golden State and then... Ayesha Curry gets tasked with showing Gabby [Union] around Oakland. And she's like, please don't make me hang out with this crazy bitch. And Gabby just ruins the chemistry of the entire team. That would be wonderful.

The Golden State Warriors are better off without Steph Curry

I've seen enough and I know enough that if you take Steph out of the Warriors, they're just as good, if not better. [They haven't said his name] all series because he's been on the bench all series.

The Golden State Warriors will win the NBA Finals in six games

I'll say Warriors in six. Yeah, I'll say, like, something, you know, a couple of a game there. The Warriors are an incredibly, like, arrogant team, for good reason, but... They will screw around. They will screw around in a game and lose it.

The Golden State Warriors will win the 2019 NBA Finals.

Well, I have to say the Warriors. But, you know, as a fan, I'm rooting against it. But, you know, they're obviously the best team, so boring answer, but there you go.

Tom Brady has trained his brain to be anti-concussion

He's got an anti-concussion brain because of the thoughts he has. Yes, he's trained his brain not to get hurt... Imagine if he drank some of Russell Wilson's concussion water. He'd be unstoppable.

The Game of Thrones series finale will end with everyone turning into happy zombies

Everything else is fine. All right. That's the M. Night Shyamalan twist... Everybody just turns into a zombie and they're happy forever. They can't go in water, so you at least have that.

The NFL will use false positive COVID tests as cover to let star players like Patrick Mahomes play on Sundays

The NFL has muddied the waters enough that we can now safely go into the NFL season just assuming every test that is positive is not actually positive until it's negative. Patrick Mahomes test positive on a Sunday morning... they'll be like, it's a false positive. He's going to play and then two days later be like, well the for positive reading footballs good job NFL

Sidney Crosby is the biggest thug in hockey

Is Sidney Crosby the biggest thug in hockey? He did two things tonight... He dribbled P.K. Subban's face off the ice like it was Deron Williams just dribbling out of bounds... And he threw a water bottle onto the ice during play. Wow. Dangerous.

The Jets have officially hit rock bottom and can't possibly sink any lower

My theory is that they will not get any lower than they are right now. Like everyone's shitting on the jets. Everyone is shitting on the jets. Aaron Rodgers is drinking water with cayenne pepper in it. Pretty, I think it's, it's pretty low.

ESPN should hire Bill Belichick for one day specifically to fire all the employees they are cutting

I think they should bring in Bill Belichick, hire him one day contract, have him fire everyone, soften the blow. Because when Bill Belichick fires you, it means you could still be at the peak... He's doing it one year too early. And he's actually doing you a favor by letting you get on the market and test the waters.

The Bears are a team of destiny and I'm not using the word Super Bowl lightly.

It's very weird almost like team of Destiny Vibes. Like I don't use the word Super Bowl lightly... This is team of Destiny stuff for sure and Nick Foles... he's got ice water in his veins.

There are wooly mammoth bones and ivory worth millions in the East River

There's a bunch of treasure in the East River... wooly mammoth bones, tusks, ivory. It's treasure. Millions. Billions. The treasure is on East 65th Street next to the FDR Drive in the water... we're gonna try to go get it.

I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river in one day

I said, hey, coach [Jeff Fisher], do you think that I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river? And he said, absolutely... One day. One Alaskan day. Catch it out of the water, kill it, eat it.

I'm betting the Bills -7 over the Dolphins because Tua Tagovailoa can't play in the cold

I had no idea they went to seven, Tua has played 63 games in college and pro and never started a game that's been under 36 degrees. Yep... He's not a cold weather guy... This is going to be a big time fish outta water studio. Yes. And he also, he started three games with the temperatures under 50 degrees. Oh three straight up and against the spread... Bill's my seven, my pick.

My 'Crisis Fuel' supplement will provide enough energy and mass to survive 40 days in a wildfire or pandemic

I developed a proprietary blend... it's like 2,000 calories a punch. It's protein, carbs, good additive, cornstarch to it... if there's a wildfire approaching your house, screw the food, grab your 10-gallon bucket of Crisis Fuel which is all powder and a bunch of water, throwing your car, you have enough meals for 40 days.

Florida State's week one loss is an easy fix because they just forgot to hydrate

Florida State's excuse is that the boys didn't drink enough water pregame. So they're going to get that fixed. They're going to get that turnaround. It's an easy fix.

The US government should try dropping icebergs or Air Force planes to reverse hurricane wind patterns

Hurricane innovation is fully back... Why don't the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water so it can't get going as fast? Flying the Air Force at the hurricane to reverse the wind patterns... we should solve it.

John Rahm's viral skipping shot at the Masters might be doctored

John Rahm hit a shot that walked on water at Augusta... I think that the Masters needs some more Buzz around it because it's not being held at the traditional time. I think that maybe there might be some monkey business afoot here somebody who's better at the internet than me look at the footage and tell me if you think that it's doctored at all.

Bill Belichick is interested in Andy Dalton to prove he can win with anyone

A lot of people have been saying the reverse that Bill Belichick would be interested in Andy Dalton because if you can win a Super Bowl with Andy Dalton, then everyone will say wow. This guy can do anything he walk on water.

The New Jersey drones are good aliens protecting humans from bad aliens

It's probably alien. I've heard it's aliens protecting from other aliens is what I've heard... Apparently they've been here the whole time, but just in the water. And then when the bad aliens, I guess, are threatening now. So they came out to protect us.

The Rio Olympics tragedies are a marketing strategy by Brazil

The only way to remind people that the Olympics are coming is to continually have tragedies and threats... There are some guys in Brazil right now sitting in a marketing office patting themselves on the back. We really did this. We're making the news. Yeah, we threw out Zika. We threw out terrorists, a guy with a gun. There's sewage. There's poop water. Hey, let's throw some old body parts... Front page news. Oh, yeah. And the Olympics are on NBC. Tune in.

Jamarcus Russell is due for a fake training video 'comeback' soon

I'm going to do a little prediction. I feel like we're due for a Jamarcus Russell comeback soon, too. Jamarcus Russell comebacks are just him making a YouTube video of doing crunches on one of those balls in the gym. Jamarcus Russell actually, he's jumping into the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the winter and then he comes out and his skin's all tight because it's cold water. He's like, comeback, comeback season.

Carson Wentz is statistically the best quarterback in Washington franchise history

Carson Wentz in the last 20 years, Carson Wentz is actually the best quarterback the Washington football team franchise will have. So if you do minimum three games, Carson Wentz has 1.63 TDs per game. The second one on that list is Shane Matthews... [Wentz] is blowing the competition out of the water.

Bet on clear Gatorade for the Super Bowl shower

I go clear. People are showing mercy on their coaches lately, and they're pouring water instead of the sticky stuff. If you can find clear, go for it.

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

The Bengals will always have a redheaded quarterback because it's their brand

I thought that we were going to lose our beautiful redheaded Bengals quarterbacks... and then I saw who his backup [Ryan Finley] was and he's got red hair too. Yeah, it doesn't pop the same way now as Andy's but... it's a watered-down Andy Dalton.