Takes

Teams that have spring training arguments over who their closer is will lose 90 to 100 games

I have also written down the 'who's the closer' argument. Those are teams that don't have a closer and they're trying a bunch of people out. Those teams usually will lose somewhere between 90 and 100 games.

The Maple Leafs and Islanders will take the final two playoff spots in the East

I like the Leafs and the Islanders out of that [group]. The Leafs are really exciting. I think they'll get in. They got a great coach... and then the Islanders have just kind of turned things around with Doug Weight as their coach.

MLB's extra innings rule changes are a David Stern-style publicity stunt

David Stern used to do this all the time in the middle of the summer when the NBA wasn't getting any headlines. ... I think MLB is trying to do something. Super Bowl just ended. They're trying to get everyone back into baseball season, get some people talking about baseball. So let's just throw a stupid rule out there that's never going to work.

Tom Brady will win one more Super Bowl to finish with six

I think that Brady's going to win one more Super Bowl. I think we'll get two. I think he'll win six.

The Atlanta Falcons might not actually be good

Are the falcons good? I don't know... they had some bad losses. They lost the chiefs, the chargers too, right?... The Falcons might not be good. Actually, if you look at the first half of the Super Bowl, they were good. Second half, not so good. You know what I'm doing? I'm crossing them off my list.

Super Bowl LI Prediction: Patriots 33, Falcons 24

Give us a Super Bowl prediction. 33-24 pass. Sorry, Atlanta.

Tennessee will start the next season 3-0 and then lose every remaining game

Tennessee. They're going to start 3-0 and then lose all the rest of their games. And then pretend to like that stupid color orange. No offense.

Matt Ryan is actually 6'5" and significantly bigger than he appears

Matt would stand next to [my nephew] on the sideline and matt was just thick and wide 6'5 every bit of 6'5. Tremendous quarterback.

White people are technically 'people of colors' because white is a combination of all colors

White is a combination of all the colors. So we are people of colors. We're people of colors. Why y'all always got to have advantages? More privilege. There you go. You got colors.

The Browns will find a way to mess up the draft even if Deshaun Watson is available

Dabo Swinney basically telling the Browns, don't fuck up, even though you're going to fuck up because you're the Browns and you always fuck up.

Ben Roethlisberger is not actually retiring; he just enjoys the attention

Big Ben's not retiring. Come on... A little pre-prediction, though. Big Ben has now reached the point of his career where he's just going to Brett Favre for this every year. Like he'll end up playing for some weird. Big Ben's destiny is to like play one weird season for the Jaguars.

The Patriots are a better team without Rob Gronkowski

The Patriots being a better team without Gronk. Someone's going to write that.

Donald Trump will legalize sports gambling to improve his approval ratings

I could see Trump legalizing sports gambling. I could, too. He's a casino guy... He could flip that approval rating up to, like, the 60s if he just said, okay, we're going to be sports gaming.

The NFL is trying to eliminate kickoffs by moving them up to the 30-yard line

Do you feel in the back of your mind that the NFL one day is going to just eliminate kickoffs entirely? Are you worried about that at all? ... They trying to right now. That's why they took it out of the Pro Bowl. So they're trying to get it out. That's why they moved the kick up to the 30 because kickers can kick. So they want them kicking out the end zone every time.

Michigan football counts national championships they won before black people were allowed to play

Michigan football counts all the national championships they won before they let black people play.

Matt Ryan is the new Joe Flacco and is entering 'clutch gene' territory

Matt Ryan is going to be the new Joe Flacco. Right now, the story on Matt Ryan is he doesn't have the clutch gene. If he wins this game, he might have the clutch gene. He's getting into the clutch gene territory.

The Steelers will cover the +5.5 spread and the Falcons will beat the Packers to advance to the Super Bowl

I'm taking the Steelers and the Falcons. I like the [Steelers] five and a half. I think that's enough. I think this game is going to come down to last possession type of game.

The Packers-Falcons NFC Championship game will be a 38-35 high-scoring affair

It's a historic over-under for any conference championship or a Super Bowl, and I still think it's too low. I tend to think this is going to be like 38-35 type game.

The Green Bay vs. Atlanta NFC Championship will be 'Mickey Mouse football' with no tackling

Green Bay against Atlanta is going to basically just be first one to 50. The Big 12 is going to be playing the NFC Championship game. I could not be more excited. It's Mickey Mouse football. Yeah, no tackling. It's flag football.

Kickers were too good this week, so we are due for a 'correction' (missed kicks) next week

Number one, kickers were too good this week. So we're due for a correction next week.

The Bears will try to trade Jay Cutler this offseason

He's got a very tradable contract, $12.5 million. I think the Bears will try to trade him. Depends on how this coaching deal shakes out. If Kyle Shanahan ends up the head coach somewhere, I could see him being potentially interested in Cutler.

Jim Irsay forgets he owns the Colts and is just doing Twitter giveaways all day

I don't think he is [going to fire anyone]. I think he just forgot he owned the Colts. He's just on Twitter all day. He's just been doing Twitter giveaways every day. He's like, 'hey, Jim, you still own this team? You get to make the decisions.'

Yahoo's name change to Altaba is a brilliant way to hide from the public eye

I have Yahoo on my cool throne because the best way to secretly get out of the public eye is just have a vaguely foreign sounding company by you and change your name. And just claim that your entire company was satire.

The Green Bay Packers are not built for cold weather at Lambeau Field

You know what my favorite take is? The Packers aren't built for Lambeau. They're playing in the wrong stadium. This is a new look. Yeah, they almost wish they were somewhere else. They wish they didn't have a home game.

I'm the reason people like Joe Buck now

two-time Joe Buck, who people like him now because of us, I'm just gonna say it.

My interview with the Vikings players actually built a wing of a children's hospital

The interview that actually built a wing of a children's hospital and saved children's lives.

Adam Morrison has an apocalypse bunker and is fully equipped for the end of the world

The guy is fully equipped if there was an apocalypse. He's got food stashed in the way, everything. So he could survive anything. He's got guns... He's got a bunker, everything. He's a pro.

Wrestling is definitively real

Is wrestling real? Yes. Great answer. Most definitely. And anybody that doesn't think it is should come down for a workout one day.

Matt Moore is the truth

I think Matt Moore is the truth. Did you see him? He was having so much fun out there.

Kyle Shanahan will get a head coaching job and Mike Shanahan will be his consultant

I think what will happen is his son, Kyle Shanahan, will get a coaching job somewhere, and he'll go with Kyle to be a consultant.

Mark Dantonio's approach to fixing Michigan State's problems by 'firing himself' is a great PR move

Mark Dantonio... he fired himself, kind of. He said, to be honest with you, I've taken the approach of, hey, I'm a new coach coming in here. I'm going to fix the things that the other guy did last year... and that's how I'm going to take the approach.

Jeff Bezos is using Alexa to listen to every conversation in your house

Stay woke on this. Jeff Bezos just told everybody that he's listening to every conversation that you have in your house and keeping track of it.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will spend the next ten years as a premier NFL backup

He's got another 10 years in this league as a backup. ... You get your name out there as a starter for four games. Little film. All of a sudden... You're one of the premier backups in the league.

Society needs to invent dual-temperature comfort zones for living rooms and beds

How has human society not reached the point where we have like dual comfort zones for living rooms? We have them in cars. Would it kill you to put one like in a bed? Like have one side of the bed set to a certain temperature, the other at a different?

Tom Flacco has a bright future and will eventually become an elite quarterback

Joe is big, pocket passer. Tom [Flacco] is a little bit smaller, incredibly competitive, and more of a runner. But he's got an incredible arm. He's become very accurate. And the future is bright with Tom Flacco.

Tiger Woods will never again look like his old self for four straight days at the highest level

Show me Tiger Woods four days in a row at the highest level. Not going to happen. Not going to happen. Not going to happen.

This week in the NFL will be a 'wonky' week where crazy things happen

I think there's gonna be a wonky week. It's one of those weeks where it's just like crazy things happen I just have a feeling... I just I feel like this is gonna be a wonky week.

The Super Bowl will feature some combination of the Patriots, Cowboys, or Seahawks

And it sucks to say this, but it's going to be the Patriots and the Cowboys or the Seahawks. Slash Seahawks, yeah. So some combination of that, that's where we're going to be in Houston.

The average lifespan of an NFL player is longer than an average American

The average lifespan of an NFL player is longer than an average American. No, even an average American. Like, it's longer. They live longer, healthier lives than an average American. CTE or not.

I'm jumping on the Cowboys train and betting on them for Thanksgiving, which means they'll probably lose

How long am I going to keep doubting the Dallas Cowboys? They're now nine and one against the spread... I'm going to bet on them Thanksgiving Day. And they're going to get, I don't know if they'll lose, but they're not going to cover the spread.

Robert Griffin III will lead the Browns to their first win and his free agent stock will soar

That would be the most Robert Griffin triumph of all time is if he led the Browns to their one win. And then, guess what? Stock goes way up in the free agent marketplace.

If Brad Stevens became available, Indiana would fire Tom Crean immediately

I don't think it would matter if Indiana was good or not. If Brad Stevens became available... You just fired Tom Crean. Yeah, Tom Crean is gone.

The show should add a new segment where I play the singer of AC/DC in between segments

My third [idea] is that we should do a new segment... where it's just the singer of AC/DC in between songs... how he acts on stage. Oh, so like every time we switch a segment i'll be like how many of you out there like a rock and roll music can i hear all you yell yeah yeah.

NFL ratings will skyrocket now that the election is over

All those people who are watching electric coverage instead of the NFL, welcome back. The league is better than ever. Ratings are going to skyrocket.

Tyron Woodley is a live underdog against Stephen Thompson

Tyron Woodley can do it all, and he's going to have to wrestle... he does have the bigger power shot. So to me, plus 166, plus 170... I think there's a little value there... don't sleep on Tyron Woodley. I think he's a live dog.

Conor McGregor has a great chance to knock out Eddie Alvarez in the first round

I think there's a great chance Conor McGregor gets [Eddie Alvarez] out of there in the first round, to be honest with you. Connor's that specialist striker... Connor's left hand is no joke man and i don't know i think he lands and he finds it

Kanye West has a real shot to win the presidency in 2020

I think Donald Trump winning 2016, Kanye has a shot in 2020. I mean, people like him a lot more than they like Donald Trump and Donald Trump won the landslide.

Barack Obama will admit that aliens exist before he leaves office in 2016

In 2016, as we switch presidents, the current president is going to admit that there are aliens out there which will probably spurn a world government because we'll all have to get together and be like, it's bigger than just us.

The Rams are either crazy/idiots or Jared Goff simply isn't good enough to play yet

There's only two ways that that makes sense. One is they're crazy. They're crazy and idiots and don't know what they're doing. The other way is He's not ready... If Bryce Petty was a better quarterback than Ryan Fitzpatrick, he would be playing.

PFT Commenter effectively built a hospital by giving Kyle Rudolph the nickname 'Big Country.'

They printed up a bunch of t-shirts... and they're using the concept to raise money for the Kyle Rudolph's End Zone campaign, an effort to build a state-of-the-heart... space at Masonic Children's Hospital. So Ipso facto, I kind of built a hospital.