Takes

Josh McDaniels staying in New England is a beta move

Josh McDaniels is back in New England... He brought his wife with him to his interview. Kind of a beta move... Apparently, they went out for lunch at some country club with Haslam... and it was a guys-only place. So his wife had to go out to lunch [elsewhere].

Derrick Henry would rush for 400 yards in an NFL game if given 57 carries

If he played the worst team in the NFL, he could probably get, if he ran him 57 times, he could probably get 400 yards.

Week 17 fantasy football leagues are for psychos

Hank, bring that up on the other side... how stupid people are who do week [17]... people that somehow keep their fantasy season going along until week 17. You're a psycho. You're a psycho if you do it.

Michigan football is a myth that is not on the same level as Ohio State or Alabama.

I'm actually kind of agree just because the Michigan myth is one of the greatest myths going in all of college sports. They have won half a national title in the last 60 years. And they make you think that they matter and that they're on the level of Alabama and USC and Ohio State and Clemson even now. ... realistic Michigan fans probably were like... We aren't going to get better.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis

He [Djokovic] also probably wanted to let Nadal and Federer and Wawrinka can play each other. One of you idiots can win while the GOAT rests up his shoulder.

Breaking Bad is the best show in the history of television

Breaking Bad movie following the season finale... I'm very excited about that. Very excited. Best show in the history of television.

Bill Walton should be the commentator for every sporting event televised

Bill Walton watching a baseball game is just, it's incredible. He should do way more games. I don't know why they haven't thought of this, but he should just do everything. When they do the Ocho on ESPN, it should just be Bill Walton.

Regional Little League World Series games are more exciting than the actual World Series in Williamsport

I don't know if this is a hot take or not, but the regional part of it before the actual Little League World Series is almost more exciting because... the America versus America, like Kentucky, Iowa versus Minnesota, those games are electric.

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning... Dude, who gets salmonella from fucking eggs anyway? That's such bullshit.

The Area 51 meme is the reason people are now bum rushing music festival gates

I blame the organizer of the Area 51 thing for just convincing people everywhere to get a big group and run through a fence. Some of these kids were jumping fences [at Lollapalooza], and I was just shocked by their athleticism.

LeBron James was taking time and attention away from the kids by dunking in the layup line

Seemed pretty dangerous. Seemed like he was taking time away from the kids. Seemed like the rim probably, the next dunk that goes down, the backboard's going to come down.

Joe Flacco has cool hair

We've been inundated with so many pictures of Joe Flacco and his cool hair. Reporters out in Denver can't believe that he actually has decent hair.

Grayson Allen's reputation for dirty play is back

Grayson Allen's back committing flagrant fouls at a rate unprecedented to players not named Grayson Allen. ... It's great to see a player fall back into the old stereotype that you had on him.

Wimbledon is a top-tier sport to take a nap through

Mount Rushmore of sports to take a nap through. I've been napping a lot through Wimbledon because it's the green. It's early to quiet. It's just a little bit of grunts here and there. But other than that, it's a nice little ease into a nap Wimbledon.

Peter King is a hypocrite for criticizing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

It is unbelievable to watch where Peter King draws the line. Putting a serial rapist into the Hall of Fame. Okay. Darren Sharper. Eating too many hot dogs on 4th of July? Nuh-uh. Don't do it. Covering a sport for 30, 40 years... where guys are dying from brain injuries... Okay. Watching Joey Chestnut eat 71 hot dogs on July 4th? Uh-uh. That's Peter King's line.

Being a 'koozie guy' is a sign of a weak drinker

This might be a controversial take, but I think I'm anti-koozie. Because maybe I'm just a guy that likes to drink his beer fast enough where you don't need a koozie. Maybe koozie is a crutch for the week. It's a participation trophy for drinking a beer like Aaron Rodgers.

Lacrosse and baseball should make goals worth more points to make the final score look cooler

You know what they really need to do in lacrosse? They need to make the goals worth more than one point. It's an easy fix for baseball, too, if you want to draw more attention to your sport. Like in football, a touchdown is really one score, but it's worth six, which makes the final score look so much cooler. In lacrosse, if every goal was worth five points and the final score was 100 to 98.

The Vladimir Guerrero Jr. hype will get old by mid-season

MLB, I will say, they're kind of overdoing. Every time he does anything, they're like, Vladimir Guerrero, Vladimir Guerrero... I think halfway through the season, it's going to get a little old.

I would rather be a zombie than be canceled

We're going to all cancel each other until we're the army of the dead. And I'm okay with that. I'm on the record being fine with being a zombie army. You don't have a lot to worry about when you're literally dead.

Paul Pierce's career ceiling was Dwyane Wade with arthritis

I think at the height of Paul Pierce's career, he was still like Dwyane Wade with arthritis. That was his ceiling.

The Motley Crue movie 'The Dirt' is ten times better than Bohemian Rhapsody

Motley Crue is also back... They put out a Netflix movie. I know Queen Bohemian Rhapsody won all the awards. This was like a 10 times better of a biopic movie. All sex, drugs, rock and roll.

I am canceling Orange Vanilla Coke and will never drink it because of the excessive advertising

Orange Vanilla Coke I saw seven million times, and I hate it. I will never drink an orange vanilla Coke. I am canceling orange vanilla Coke.

Adnan Syed is definitely guilty

The one you're talking about [Serial] came out five years ago about Adnan Syed. Who I think is really, really guilty. But for some reason, they just... I don't know. He just seems like it was a show about a guy that was guilty that had very charming murderer.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

Good indication of the sport of the future. I saw that highlight on my feed more than baseball, rugby, basketball, any other sport.

If the US prioritized rugby, we would be the best football country in the world

At this point, if the U.S. took our best rugby players from a young age and taught them football, we would be the best football country in the world. That's how good our rugby team is.

Jason Witten was essentially fired by ESPN

Jason Witten just got fired. Let's just call it what it is. If he was good at his job, he would not have gone back. I think ESPN was essentially like, dude, we're not saying you're fired, but... you're fired.

Eating out of bowls is superior to eating off plates

Bowls are way, way better than plates. Would we all agree? There's nothing that you can eat out of a plate that you can't also eat out of a bowl. Everything's getting put in a bowl these days. America is hung up on bowl culture.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

Soulja Boy had the biggest comeback in the rap industry in 2018

My who's back of the week is... Big Draco, Soulja Boy... he claimed he had the biggest comeback in 2018, which he probably did. He's got a video game console... First rapper with a console. Huge difference. He's back. He's going to have a huge 2019.

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America is the end of civilization

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America... fucking ridiculous... This is the end of our civilization, folks. Everything that we stood on for the longest time, America, what it was founded on, not feeling bad for kickers when they fuck up. Guess what? It's over. You got one job to do.

Middling NBA teams should hire Tom Thibodeau for a short-term boost

If you're any middling NBA team out there, why not hire Tom Thibodeau right now? He's at least good to give you a little bit of juice for a few months. ... He's like steroids. Really good short-term. Bad for your hips.

Louisville is no longer fun without Pitino and Petrino

I wish they didn't fire Pitino and Petrino, because now I feel like Louisville's just not going to be as fun anymore. They went from the horniest campus in America to now just a really boring campus.

Boban Marjanovic is not of this world

My who's back is Boban... His clips of him playing are, I mean, I remember people talking about him last year, but this year it's like surreal. He's not of this world. It's like he's playing on a seven-foot hoop.

LeBron James is the new Steve Jobs

LeBron is the new Steve Jobs. From films and TV shows to educational institutions, A&R-ing via his IG... James is using his magnitude to invade industries and redirect the conversation.

The clutch gene is a real muscle that can be strengthened

Researchers who study the brains of athletes believe more and more that a so-called clutch gene exists. They've seen enough incremental improvement through brain training that they regarded as a muscle capable of being built and likewise atrophying.

Hulk Hogan's reinstatement to the Hall of Fame represents a 'one-in, one-out' policy for racism

But now that Papa John got in trouble for saying the N-word... In America, we have like a one-in, one-out policy for racism. So Papa John's racist now, and because he's in the club, Hulk Hogan is now out of the racism club.

Manny Pacquiao's late-career fights are depressing and sad to watch

He's still fighting. So that's pretty sad. I didn't realize that he was fighting until like a day before. An aging boxer, watching them is one of the saddest things you can do. You know when it's done, and everyone knows, and then they always hang on for a couple extra years, and you're like, let's just try to remember the good times, because this is depressing the fuck out of all of us.

Carmelo Anthony has staying power because he has the coolest basketball name ever

Have you guys heard the theory why he [Carmelo Anthony] has so much staying power? It's just because he has the coolest basketball name of all time. Like if his name was like John Brown, he would have been benched years ago.

You can't fire an FBI agent for breakdancing

You can't fire someone for feeling a dance circle. If you've ever been at a wedding, any kind of party, there's nothing more awkward than a dance circle where no one goes in. So this guy had to go in. He did an unbelievable move.

A Chrissy Teigen and John Legend divorce would melt down Twitter

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It would be incredible. It's like sometimes I sit up at night being like, if they got divorced, I think I'd stay up for a week straight on a meth binge just looking at Twitter and getting high off that.

Riley Curry is a fraud for not facing the media after a loss

My problem with Riley [Curry] is she's always the first one to show up after a big win, and she never steps to the podium and faces the music after a loss... Like a fucking coward. Like a fraud. Riley Curry's a fraud.

Every crime drama can be successful with just interviews and aerial drone shots

We need to do a crime drama because essentially all you have to do is interview a couple like FBI or ATF guys and then mix in a shitload of drone shots of where, around where it happened. Like, Making a Murderer, it was just half drone shots. Evil genius, half drone shots.

Every draft grade list should be required to give at least one F

Mel Kiper's grades are so fucking funny. He won't give anyone an F, which is bullshit. Like, if you do grades, you should have to give at least one F. You should have to.

Russell Westbrook is LeBron James's motivation for getting triple-doubles

Skip Bayless is basically saying that LeBron James just started to get triple doubles because he saw all the attention that the media was paying to Westbrook, and not because he's really good at basketball or anything.

Shark Week sucks until they show a shark eating a human being

Until they show me a shark eating a human being, I will not watch Shark Week... I still think I saw through the fraud of Shark Week... they told me they found Megalodon and they got me all wet and didn't fuck me.

Bet the favorite in the second half if they are losing at halftime

If a favorite is losing in the first half, you just bet the favorite in the second half. That's it. I invented that last year.

Kobe Bryant is the GOAT over LeBron and Jordan because he won an Oscar

Kobe Bryant, our supporter, just won an Oscar. MJ and LeBron trash. He's our GOAT. And this proves it. How many Oscars has LeBron and MJ won? That's right. Zero.

Justin Thomas is a 'pussy' for having a heckler kicked out

Your day's done. Had him kicked out. Had him kicked out. What a fucking dick. Which just means that hecklers are inside Justin Thomas' head, even though he won... What a little pussy that guy is.

Zaza Pachulia is the biggest threat to the NBA's health because he hurts superstars

The NBA is probably the healthiest league overall when you think about growth. Zaza Pachulia is the one thing that could break it all down because he just hurts people left and right... He hurt Kevin Durant, his own player. He hurt Kawhi, the Spurs... The guy is a menace.

Tiger Woods getting a 'bad boy' warning from Trump is good for his street cred

Tiger Woods' bad boy status, when other men are saying, watch out for him, it's like Costanza putting on the Yankees jacket. It's like, you got to watch out... getting this back into circulation is good for his street cred. It's great.