Takes

Women prefer 'soccer bodies' over any other male physique

I know you remember the dad bod thing that women pretended, like, oh yeah, we love guys who are kind of fat and don't care. That was so nice of them. But really, when it comes down to it, if you ask a woman, I guarantee you they go soccer bod over any other bod.

Drake doesn't have the bars to keep up with Pusha T in a rap beef

Drake doesn't have the bars... Slash Drake is also very scared. I'm just going to say this. Drake doesn't have the bars.

You can't fire an FBI agent for breakdancing

You can't fire someone for feeling a dance circle. If you've ever been at a wedding, any kind of party, there's nothing more awkward than a dance circle where no one goes in. So this guy had to go in. He did an unbelievable move.

I'm not trading lives with Prince William because his hair is so bad

That guy, William, that is the worst bald guy I've ever seen. You got to pick it. You're a fucking prince, man. His hair is so bad, I wouldn't trade lives with him. I would not trade lives with the Prince William.

A Chrissy Teigen and John Legend divorce would melt down Twitter

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It would be incredible. It's like sometimes I sit up at night being like, if they got divorced, I think I'd stay up for a week straight on a meth binge just looking at Twitter and getting high off that.

Riley Curry is a fraud for not facing the media after a loss

My problem with Riley [Curry] is she's always the first one to show up after a big win, and she never steps to the podium and faces the music after a loss... Like a fucking coward. Like a fraud. Riley Curry's a fraud.

Every crime drama can be successful with just interviews and aerial drone shots

We need to do a crime drama because essentially all you have to do is interview a couple like FBI or ATF guys and then mix in a shitload of drone shots of where, around where it happened. Like, Making a Murderer, it was just half drone shots. Evil genius, half drone shots.

If you sue someone for steroid accusations, it proves you didn't do them

I think Albert Pujols like, if you sue the guy for saying you did steroids, then guess what? You didn't do steroids. That's very... Absolutely true.

Every draft grade list should be required to give at least one F

Mel Kiper's grades are so fucking funny. He won't give anyone an F, which is bullshit. Like, if you do grades, you should have to give at least one F. You should have to.

Mel Kiper Jr. is only 1-for-13 all-time at correctly identifying franchise starting quarterbacks

He's like one in 13 all time [on identifying] starting quarterback[s].

Russell Westbrook is LeBron James's motivation for getting triple-doubles

Skip Bayless is basically saying that LeBron James just started to get triple doubles because he saw all the attention that the media was paying to Westbrook, and not because he's really good at basketball or anything.

Getting called 'Big Dog' by a homeless person means you are losing weight

When we get catcalled by homeless people, usually it's 'big guy.' That's usually when you're at your fattest. 'Big dog' is a step below. And then when you get to it, it's just 'tall guy.' So I'm doing okay.

Shark Week sucks until they show a shark eating a human being

Until they show me a shark eating a human being, I will not watch Shark Week... I still think I saw through the fraud of Shark Week... they told me they found Megalodon and they got me all wet and didn't fuck me.

Bet the favorite in the second half if they are losing at halftime

If a favorite is losing in the first half, you just bet the favorite in the second half. That's it. I invented that last year.

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

Kobe Bryant is the GOAT over LeBron and Jordan because he won an Oscar

Kobe Bryant, our supporter, just won an Oscar. MJ and LeBron trash. He's our GOAT. And this proves it. How many Oscars has LeBron and MJ won? That's right. Zero.

Justin Thomas is a 'pussy' for having a heckler kicked out

Your day's done. Had him kicked out. Had him kicked out. What a fucking dick. Which just means that hecklers are inside Justin Thomas' head, even though he won... What a little pussy that guy is.

Zaza Pachulia is the biggest threat to the NBA's health because he hurts superstars

The NBA is probably the healthiest league overall when you think about growth. Zaza Pachulia is the one thing that could break it all down because he just hurts people left and right... He hurt Kevin Durant, his own player. He hurt Kawhi, the Spurs... The guy is a menace.

Left-handedness is proof that the human body is not meant to be left-handed

I think that just playing golf left-handed, that just goes to show you that the human body is not meant to be left-handed. They don't make left-handed can openers for a reason, folks.

I'm rooting for Tim Tebow because he makes sports more interesting

I root for Tim Tebow because he makes sports more interesting, but holy shit, will that be a circus [if he plays in the majors].

Tiger Woods getting a 'bad boy' warning from Trump is good for his street cred

Tiger Woods' bad boy status, when other men are saying, watch out for him, it's like Costanza putting on the Yankees jacket. It's like, you got to watch out... getting this back into circulation is good for his street cred. It's great.

I am pretending it is summer and tanning on Tuesdays for my mental health because winter is terrible

I am so fucking sick of winter... I've just decided I'm going to pretend that it's summertime. I'm going to get back into wearing Hawaiian shirts. I'm going to go tanning on Tuesdays. I'm going to just be so far in denial of winter... this is a personal decision for my own mental health.

Kim Jong-un's sister is a 'smoke'

So all the war crimes, all the shit that he does that's terrible... not a big deal because his sister's hot. Everyone was flipping out because Kim Jong-un has a hot sister... his sister's kind of a smoke. His sister's stealing the show. His sister's the Pippa Middleton of the Olympics.

Super Bowl commercials are officially overrated

Super Bowl commercials are now, I'm going to throw it in there, overrated. I didn't laugh at a single commercial this year... All the commercials these days are just giant corporations just jerking off talking about the good thing they did.

The NHL is a money laundering operation for Russia

If you were to run the NHL as a money laundering operation, you would not do anything differently than Gary Bettman has done in the last 10 years... I'm guessing it's some sort of a money laundering scheme from Russia. That's the only thing I can come up with.

George W. Bush is the Josh Allen of presidents

George W. Bush... America loves the guy now. He is back in a bit. He's got he's the Josh Allen of presidents. The longer he goes without playing well, the better he becomes. And the more he goes up people's big boards.

Tom Izzo is overrated

Tom Izzo's overrated. Lost at home to Michigan. Can't do that... Tons of talent, and they are wildly underperforming.

Lefty quarterbacks suck at throwing the football

Horny Brook [Alex Hornibrook], there's something about him when he passes. He's terrible. He's got that weird left. He's a lefty. The way that he passes with his left hand just doesn't look natural. Lefties suck at throwing the football.

Robert Kraft is definitely a heavy emoji user in his text messages

Bob Kraft definitely uses emojis. Big time emoji guy. He probably does like the fist pound instead of saying like, you know, good call... He's got, he found poop, the poop emoji like six months ago. But with like 95 print font.

College football is more fun when Notre Dame is good

Notre Dame is back. And it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun to watch Notre Dame get their hopes all the way up. College football is significantly more fun when Notre Dame is back.

Ass-eating season is 100% back

I said that it was toe-sucking season, but I'm retracting that. Ass-eating season is 100% back. Gabby Union said that she eats Dwayne Wade's ass.

Iowa and Wisconsin football programs exist solely to have their hearts ripped out in moments of hope

Iowa and Wisconsin are both very similar in college but they just live to get crushed. It's like there's just moments in between getting your heart ripped out. So there's no real, like, excitement otherwise.

The discussion of Texas being 'back' means the program is officially back

Texas football, just the discussion of it being back, means it's back. Because that's what Texas football has become. It's like Texas, Notre Dame, Michigan... certain programs where if they have one good game [we ask] is Florida back? Tennessee... Miami.

Matthew McConaughey was meant to be a Californian who happened to be born in Texas

The danger in bringing Matthew McConaughey to Los Angeles is at any given time you might lose him. He might just defect... his natural state is like a caliber [Californian]... He was meant to be caliber. He was just he happened to be born on like a lot of land.

Cheating on your wife shouldn't count as cheating if you are under 5'5"

If you're under 5'5", I don't think it's cheating. Yeah, you're fulfilling your natural destiny at that point. You're just shocked that a woman pays attention to you.

It wouldn't be the worst thing if Jared Goff or Blake Bortles got injured after a good Week 1

I love Jared Goff and Blake Bortles. I do not want them to get injured, but it wouldn't be the worst thing if they did get injured after a really good week one. ... [Bortles] just injured his way into another $55 million contract.

Kesha's new album is the greatest album ever created

So I don't know if you guys have listened. Her [Kesha's] album came out last month, but I just caught wind of it. It is probably the greatest album that has ever been created.

I'm a Kesha guy over Taylor Swift or Katy Perry

And I want to officially go on the record when people say, are you Taylor Swift or Katy Perry guy? I'm a Kesha guy through and through.

Florida's passing game has been so bad that Tim Tebow is their best passer of the last decade

The best passing quarterback that Florida has had in the last 10 years is Tim Tebow.

Brawls are necessary for people to care about baseball

Brawling in baseball is good for baseball. It's great for baseball. ... Brawls need to happen in baseball for people to care about baseball more than they do right now.

Millennials aren't less interested in breasts; they just don't need to Google photos of them because they are actually having sex.

It's because millennials aren't Googling boobs. Pictures of boobs. Yeah, because we have sex. We see it. ... Of course it's going to be baby boomers and old people who, when they're looking for porn online, they just type in pictures of boobs.

Telling a woman you've had a vasectomy is the ultimate pickup line

I can't think of a better pickup line, actually, than telling a woman, I'm physically incapable of getting you pregnant. ... That would get the panties dropped immediately. ... I might just lie and say I've got a vasectomy.

Visiting prostitutes should be an accepted and understood part of being a head coach in Mississippi

I'm of the mindset that if you're in Mississippi and you're a head coach, it should be understood that you will visit prostitutes. That should not be a fireable offense.

NBA players shouldn't be allowed to spend their entire contract in Houston because everything is too cheap

The nice thing about [James Harden's] contract is I don't think it's possible to spend this much money in one lifetime in Houston, Texas. Everything there is, like, really cheap.

Aaron Rodgers loves to get angry at other athletes' contracts

This is like the Aaron Rodgers specialty. Aaron Rodgers loves to get pissed off at other quarterbacks' contracts. That's like his thing. I want him to start jumping into other sports too and getting pissed off and be like, hey, I'm a better quarterback than James Harden is a shooting guard. How come I'm not getting paid?

Every great pitcher needs to have a streak of being an asshole

I think every pitcher, if they're going to be a really good pitcher, they need to have a streak of being an asshole.

If you stay in a bar that is uncomfortably hot, you are a crazy person

If you go into a bar that is hot and you don't leave immediately, you're a crazy person. I will absolutely call a night like, alright, night's over if I walk into a bar and it is uncomfortably hot in there.

Michael Vick revolutionized video games by making custom quarterbacks unnecessary

Michael Vick was... basically whenever you would play Madden and you'd create your own video game player for quarterback, then Michael Vick came along and you just didn't have to do that anymore. You just play with Michael Vick.

Millennials are responsible for Applebee's going out of business because they dislike chain restaurants

Millennials are being blamed for Applebee's going out of business because they don't like to eat at chain restaurants. So shout out to us. We are at all actually millennials. ... PFT and I are like on the cusp of millennials. We do like chain restaurants.

Phil Mickelson is skipping the U.S. Open for his daughter's graduation to mock Tiger Woods' lack of a family life

Phil is saying he's not going to play in the U.S. Open because his daughter is giving the commencement speech at her high school graduation. ... Phil's like, oh, I'm not only healthy enough to play in tournaments, I'm just now saying I'm not going to play because I love my family so much. ... [He's] twisting the knife a little bit.