Takes

You should be allowed to walk your dog in just boxers and slippers before 9 AM

If you have a dog and it's before 9 a.m., you should be able to walk on the street in just boxers... boxers and slippers. And people can't say anything. It's the dog walking rule.

I will fight Darren Rovell in Rough N' Rowdy with one hand tied behind my back.

Rovell, if you want to answer Dana White's question, what do you know about fighting? The offer is still out there. I will fight you in rough and rowdy with one hand.

LeBron James is definitely paying LaVar Ball to stop talking to the media.

Can we all agree LeBron [James] definitely pays LaVar Ball to shut up? ... He just hasn't talked. ... We just agree it's a fact.

If you don't believe in witchcraft and its protective powers, you're crazy

The cool throne is witchcraft. If you don't believe in this stuff, you're crazy. Because Jack Dorsey... sent in his beard hair to get himself protection against ISIS. Seems like it worked.

I actually like Carrie Underwood's 'Game On' Sunday Night Football song now

I have maybe been tweeting about that from weeks one through 14, and then week 15... I just started singing it, and I was like, you know what? I give up. I like this song now.

There should be no preseason or first-month polls in college sports

There should be no polls until like two months into the season anyway. There should be no preseason polls. There should be no first-month polls in college basketball or college football. Take the bias out.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.

2019 will officially be the Year of the Core

2019 year of the core. The core helps, sets up everything else. So it's going to be back. My core wasn't ready for the workload that I put on it. [In] 2019, the core is going to be back.

The song 'Mo Bamba' is officially dead now that Big Cat is singing it

My Hot Seat is... Mo Bamba. The song. Because Big Cat finally has become aware of it, has been singing it nonstop for the past couple days. So that's pretty much as clear as day sign that it's over.

Ayahuasca could help fix Markelle Fultz's mental block

That could actually probably help Markelle Fultz because it's all in his mind. [Ayahuasca] will clear you up... his brain is broken.

If a foreign actor plays an American in more than three movies, they are officially American

If you are in more than three movies where you're in America in the movie, you're American. Like Idris Elba, that guy's American. He was in The Wire. When I found out he had an English accent, it blew my fucking mind... Christian Bale? American. 100%. Russell Crowe? American.

The holiday season officially starts right now (November 14th)

My cool throne is actually for everyone who wants to get drunk all the time, because I think we can officially say it's holiday season. Starting right now.

NASA is inventing stories about aliens to secure funding against Space Force

This goes back to my theory that NASA is just inventing cool shit to talk about so they can continue their funding because right now they're going up against Space Force. But I would assume that, like, this would be something that Space Force would really get a lot of money thrown into their coffers for. If you think that there's aliens that are actually checking us out.

Mike Greenberg's take that fans shouldn't criticize Todd Gurley for kneeling at the goal line is the lamest take of all time

My hot seat is your boy, Mike Greenberg, with the fucking lamest take of all time. He tweeted, if you criticize Todd Gurley for what he did at the end of the Rams-Packers game, you should never be allowed to comment on sports ever again. Get the fuck out of here, Greeny. People gambling on the NFL has paid for a shitload of your salary... People watch because they have an investment in fantasy or gambling and they can bitch about it because that's what we do as sports fans.

American cheese on a breakfast taco is the best type of cheese

American cheese on a breakfast taco is the best type of cheese. We need to, here's what we need to do. We need to start eating more breakfast tacos in America.

'Showtime Mahomes' is a terrible nickname that does not work

My other hot seat is Patrick Mahomes' nickname. We've got to find a better nickname for that. Showtime. Showtime Mahomes does not work. That just doesn't work. It just doesn't work.

Kliff Kingsbury never developed a personality because he is too good-looking

Kingsbury, he's all hat, no cattle. He's just a good-looking guy, so he never developed a personality, so he gives out shitty nicknames like Showtime.

I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia doesn't exist in five minutes

I'm convinced that I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia didn't exist if you gave me five to seven minutes in a room with him.

Candy corn is absolutely delicious and should be a year-round candy

Candy corn is absolutely delicious. I think it should be a year-round candy, and I can't wait to eat it for the next month.

Jason Witten might be a robot

So are we sure Jason Witten is still alive? He is a robot, and I do not understand why they overthink these things so much and just not put Booger McFarland in the studio. You could actually hear Booger McFarland getting mad at Jason Witten.

It is better for your career to be a meme than to be in a blockbuster movie

Do you think it is better for your career to be in a blockbuster movie that makes, let's say, $500 million or be in the badass, like the coolest meme of all time? Coolest meme of all time. Easy answer.

The Bengals giving massive contracts to defensive tackles is a smart strategy because it's impossible to tell if a defensive tackle is a bust

The Cincinnati Bengals just gave huge contracts to both their defensive tackles... but it's actually a very smart strategy because everyone always says the Bengals are the cheapest team in football... by making these big contracts to positions that you can never really tell if a defensive tackle is a bust... they're kind of hiding their money there.

Nicki Minaj is rattled and taking a backseat to Cardi B

She's just very rattled. And it's clear that Cardi B's album did better than hers. Cardi B was better at the VMAs. It's just clear that Nicki Minaj is taking a backseat, and she's not happy.

The tires on Post Malone's plane looked fine despite the emergency landing reporting

Are we staying woke on that, guys? ... a lot of people were saying, like, those tires look fine to me when the plane landed. ... those tires – They didn't look bad to me. That's all I'm going to say.

Joe Flacco still has the best-looking spiral in the NFL

I think [Joe Flacco] still has number one most fuckable spiral in the NFL. ... Brady Quinn in college, Joe Flacco in the NFL. ... I threw a spiral on Monday Night Football, and it was like, yup, Joe Flacco.

An indoor full-court basketball court is the best amenity a sports fan can have in their home

Basically full court indoor basketball trumps all. [I'd take that over] a putting green in your backyard or a half court in your house. [It's better than] two lanes of a bowling alley in your house.

If you get arrested, you should drop the name of a mid-level officer rather than the President

If you get arrested, you want to drop a name. It's kind of the inverse of what you think it should be. You want to drop the smallest name possible that the guy would recognize. Like you want to drop the name of his slightly superior officer. You don't want to go straight to the top with the president.

Ohio State fans should have learned not to hold rallies before the facts are out from the Penn State / Joe Paterno situation

I feel like we should have learned our lesson with the Joe Paterno rallies. Maybe wait until we figure everything out before you do like an entire impromptu rally at the stadium being like Free Urban Meyer. I can't really wrap my head around these people because I would assume these are the same people that if you bash Urban Meyer on Twitter, they will reply with, wait till all the facts come out. But then they also held an entire rally with none of the facts out.

Roger Goodell should revoke David Tepper's ownership if he removes the NFL shield from the 50-yard line.

[David Tepper] is thinking about changing the midfield logo to a Panther. This would be the Panthers spitting in the face of Roger Goodell. I think Roger Goodell should think about revoking his charter as an owner.

Tom Brady is allowed to have a dad bod because he is a father of three with multiple rings

he does have a dad bod. He is like 44 or something. Yeah, he's allowed to have a dad bod. I think once you get three Super Bowl rings. And you're married to the world's most successful supermodel. It's okay to have a dad bod.

Kevin Love has the perfect career because he has a ring and now has zero pressure playing for the Cavs

I feel like Kevin Love has finally reached happiness... now he gets to just be on the Cavs and hang out and not make the playoffs and shoot the ball a lot... make a lot of money. Hang out. Put up stats. Live a good life. I kind of love it.

French kissing animals is completely fucked up.

Slipping your dog some tongue, that's fucked up. That's an issue, yes.

Elon Musk is a total fraud.

I'm so here for Elon Musk, like, just having meltdown after meltdown because everyone realizes he's a fraud and, like, promising people to go to Mars. ... Elon Musk... Total fraud.

Russell Wilson is currently 'killing the sexy dance game'

Russell Wilson is absolutely killing the sexy dance game and dancing with Ciara... So he did a video with Ciara doing this little weird dance and he stole the show. So you would think, oh, Ciara, she's a professional performer. She's got moves. False. Russell Wilson was in the background killing it.

I'm starting to get 'football fever' and daydream about the college season

I was sitting on the couch, and I started thinking about Saturday morning and the camera going over college game day... I'm starting to daydream about football a little. I like close my eyes and I think about Illinois playing Purdue at 11 o'clock and Beth Mowins being like, 'there's another punt.'

Shaving your beard during a hitting slump means you're hiding something

Bruce [Bryce] Harper shaved his beard because he's in such a bad slump that he thought, hey, I'm just going to change up my look... Anytime someone's like, hey, I'm going to get a haircut, shaving your beard, you're hiding something.

The Warriors' owner took a direct shot at Kevin Durant by saying Steph Curry 'earned' his deal

[The Warriors owner] said Steph Curry, though, has earned the right to get whatever deal he wants because he's been there since when they were bad and saying that Steph Curry earned it, which is a direct shot at Kevin Durant.

The NFL has a 'charity problem'

I'm going to go as far to say, does the NFL have a charity problem? Might be. Might be. Let's look into that.

Darren Rovell officially killed 69 jokes

Rovell has caught on... He did it on the Browns to win the Super Bowl, $6.90. And get this, the ticket writer laughed no less than three times... This is like when your parents figure out how to text emojis... it just kind of all loses its luster.

The best way to kill a stale joke is to have Darren Rovell use it

The best way to kill a joke... the best way to kill that would be to have Darren Rovell just hop all over, and then everybody just... so it's dead.

Miss America is no longer a beauty pageant if it removes the bikini portion

It's also ridiculous that a beauty pageant is no longer being judged on beauty. That's where we're at.

You should only pay cash at Chili's to keep your meal untraceable

Chili's is a cash establishment. You don't bring plastic into this equation. Cold, hard cash is the name of the game. You want to have your meal at Chili's be untraceable. That's on you if you paid with a card.

Adam Silver is a narc for reporting email threats to the police

Adam Silver, he turns out he's a narc... Everyone thought that Adam Silver was the cool commissioner. But if he's so cool, how come he called the police on the guy that threatened to murder him? And had him arrested.

Tom Brady looked like a 'plastic weird doll' at the Met Gala

My other hot seat is Tom Brady for looking like a plastic weird doll... Take away the clothes. His face looked weird. I definitely don't understand fashion. I don't, but I don't think it was a fashion. Take away the clothes. His face looked weird.

Gary Bettman is an expert at drawing attention to every product except for the NHL

Gary [Bettman] is at it again. He scheduled the second round playoff game between the Penguins and the Capitals for Thursday night, right up against the NFL draft. ... He knows how to draw attention to any product but his own.

Mark Zuckerberg is definitely a robot and failed his attempt to look human in front of Congress

He looked like a robot. Like full... If Mark Zuckerberg's sole attempt was to try to persuade people that he's not a bad guy... he failed terribly. He did because he looked like a robot. He had a terrible suit. He had a bowl cut... He just looked exactly like I would expect a robot to look.

The Oakland A's low attendance signifies that baseball is dwindling away

My hot seat is the Oakland A's and baseball in general. Oakland A's only managed to draw 7,000 people for their game against the Rangers last night. ... I mean, baseball, another sign. Baseball's dwindling away.

If Villanova is a blue blood, one of the existing college basketball blue bloods needs to be shuffled out

Villanova is now getting called a blue blood. So maybe one less seat at the table. You can't only have so many blue bloods. Are we going to shuffle someone out? I don't know.

MLB should have every player miked up for regular season games

They should just have everyone miked at all times. I would love it. I'd watch another feed. ... First five innings. Perfect.

Ed Hochuli's retirement is a major blow to the NFL's masculinity

My hot seat is NFL's masculinity. Ed Hochuli retired. He's gone. There's going to be no more giant arms coming at you every Sunday, so I don't know what NFL's going to do. They need someone to fill the void of just a jacked, jacked ref.