Takes

Mouth tape leads to more restful sleep

I'm a mouth tape guy now. I do feel more rested with mouth tape. It just forces you to breathe out your nose.

My Instagram algorithm is 80% golf and 20% tits

It's like 80% golf. No, there's some, there's some, there's some tits mixed in, but mostly golf.

Jersey Shore is the most iconic reality TV show ever

If the debate is Jersey Shore versus Vanderpump Rules... Jersey Shore was like guys and girls liked Jersey Shore parties. There is no Vanderpump without Jersey Shore.

Car time is for listening to podcasts, not for talking

Not for talking. Car time is for listening. When is he supposed to make these business calls in the car? On the golf course? Yeah.

Stan Musial invented the fist bump

I learned something the other day. I don't know if you guys heard this. Do you guys know who invented the fist bump? Stan Musial invented the fist bump. How crazy is that?

Squids have the largest eyeballs in the animal kingdom

Squids had the largest eyeball in the animal kingdom. Bigger than elephants. Oh yeah. I guess that would make sense. Right? There's just giant squid. ... Colossal squid. He's right. Damnit he's right.

Never name a dog after a sports figure who hasn't already secured a Hall of Fame legacy

Never name your dogs after sports figures that aren't Hall of Famers... maybe don't name him after a player unless he's been at least two or three All-Star games. That's a good little rule of thumb.

The person who wakes up earliest should sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door

The answer should always be that the person that has to wake up first in the morning, they sleep closer to the door. So you don't have to like walk around the other person.

Alcohol is a diuretic because it flushes liquid out of your body faster than you can hydrate

Al calls a diuretic. And why it dehydrates you is because it flushes all the liquid in your body, out through your piss. So even though it may seem like it's hydrated... It gets all your liquid out faster.

Madden: 2004 was the best video game of all time

Madden 2004 was probably the best video game of all time.

You cannot know if a relationship is a 'rebound' until it actually ends

I think you don't know that it's a rebound until afterwards. In the middle of a rebound, it just feels cool... so a rebound could always be just a put-back dunk until you hit the ground. So you haven't hit the ground just yet, so it's impossible to know how to score it.

British soldiers are mandated to sit down to pee in tanks

The British have to sit down when using the toilets in their tanks the piss because they can't stand up in the tank. I believe they like mandate it... I checked myself. That's a good fact check.

No one is in a committed relationship at the Jersey Shore during summer

Here's the thing about the Jersey Shore is you fall in love with clubs. You don't fall in love with other people... No one's in a relationship at the Jersey Shore, or inside of a Real World house.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

No one in history has ever regretted getting a dog

No one regrets a dog. No, no ever that's facts.

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

Adults should only want cash for Christmas

If you want to get your significant other something very nice for Christmas, it is C-A-S-H, cash. You become an adult and you realize cash is king... I want the cash so I can pay my bookie.

You should never hand someone your phone to show them a picture

You have to be an absolute psycho to hand someone else your phone. You've got to do the holding your phone and scrolling for them. You never give anyone anyone your phone.

Diet is more important than working out for weight loss

It's no secret when people say it's actually not about working out, it's about the diet, because what happens is... because I went to the gym, I was like, I can eat anything I want. And then I ate way worse than I normally would have.

Every woman past the age of 22 adds one pillow to her bed every year

I think it's just every woman who gets past the age of 22 decides that every year they're alive, they need to add one pillow to their bed. And then just eventually they end up with an entire house of pillows. And you're not allowed to sleep on them.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

Morning sex is the best kind of sex, especially in a hotel

I'm going to go on the record. Morning sex is the best sex there is. Hotel sex. In the morning. Ooh. Double threat.

Men and women should never stop grooming their pubic hair

What is the age where it is normal that you stop shaving or waxing your pubes? ... Never is the answer. ... I think you always ... Guys and girls. You got to keep it together down there. I mean, would you let your lawn just go unkempt?

Cash is the greatest Christmas gift you can ever give

So the real answer here is cash. All boyfriends want cash. They want cold, hard cash... Cash is the greatest gift you could ever give... When you open up a card, you're expecting cash in there. Put the fucking cash in there.

Facial hair is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows you can hunt and gather

Facial hair on a man, that is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows that you can provide for a family, you can hunt, you can gather, you can do it all.

Women carry up to two liters of extra blood during their periods

It's actually a fact. Women during their periods are carrying up to two liters more blood than the average human.