Takes

Mouth tape leads to more restful sleep

I'm a mouth tape guy now. I do feel more rested with mouth tape. It just forces you to breathe out your nose.

You should always take the deal to have all your teams win championships in one year, even if they never win again

I think you gotta take the year. Because, alright, I'm thinking about my college teams too. And I don't think that my college teams are ever gonna win a title. So I'm basically getting a guaranteed one that I would never get. Sweeping the entire board for an entire year—you just have that for the rest of your life.

I am betting on a one-two finish for Scotty Scheffler and Rory McIlroy at the PGA Championship

One two Scheffler McElroy and then one two McElroy [then] Scotty. I, that might be the move.

'Bad winter' starts on January 2nd and lasts until March Madness begins

I think winter starts the day after January 1st... Winter is like when it sucks... When I think winter, I think January 2nd to March Madness. That's like when it sucks.

Jersey Shore is the most iconic reality TV show ever

If the debate is Jersey Shore versus Vanderpump Rules... Jersey Shore was like guys and girls liked Jersey Shore parties. There is no Vanderpump without Jersey Shore.

The Masters is the ultimate 'dad weekend' of all time

The Masters is the most dad weekend of all time.

Car time is for listening to podcasts, not for talking

Not for talking. Car time is for listening. When is he supposed to make these business calls in the car? On the golf course? Yeah.

Stan Musial invented the fist bump

I learned something the other day. I don't know if you guys heard this. Do you guys know who invented the fist bump? Stan Musial invented the fist bump. How crazy is that?

Never name a dog after a sports figure who hasn't already secured a Hall of Fame legacy

Never name your dogs after sports figures that aren't Hall of Famers... maybe don't name him after a player unless he's been at least two or three All-Star games. That's a good little rule of thumb.

The person who wakes up earliest should sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door

The answer should always be that the person that has to wake up first in the morning, they sleep closer to the door. So you don't have to like walk around the other person.

You should never order the most expensive steak on the menu when someone else is treating you to dinner

If you go out to dinner... my rule is you go one level beneath what her dad would [order]... Third or fourth most expensive steak is where you have to [be]. There's just always that feel. You have to judge who you're with. If you're out with someone who maybe can't afford a super expensive steak, just don't be that guy.

Alcohol is a diuretic because it flushes liquid out of your body faster than you can hydrate

Al calls a diuretic. And why it dehydrates you is because it flushes all the liquid in your body, out through your piss. So even though it may seem like it's hydrated... It gets all your liquid out faster.

I absolutely think you should share funny memes and things you find on the internet with your partner

I absolutely think you share funny things you find on the internet with your partner. All day. It's just having a funny banter back and forth.

You cannot know if a relationship is a 'rebound' until it actually ends

I think you don't know that it's a rebound until afterwards. In the middle of a rebound, it just feels cool... so a rebound could always be just a put-back dunk until you hit the ground. So you haven't hit the ground just yet, so it's impossible to know how to score it.

British soldiers are mandated to sit down to pee in tanks

The British have to sit down when using the toilets in their tanks the piss because they can't stand up in the tank. I believe they like mandate it... I checked myself. That's a good fact check.

You should never go through your partner's phone because you will never find anything good

I'd say just never go through the phone. Yeah, correct. You're not going to find anything don't do it. No woman has ever picked up a man's phone spent a good 15 minutes on it and been like 'this kicks ass'. I'm really glad that I do know what everything's out of context to that's true.

Crushing oyster shells and putting them in a chicken coop is good for their eggshells.

If you crush up oyster shells and put them in your chicken coop, it's actually really good for the eggshells.

I am officially an ex-NFL kicker because I was once offered an NFL-adjacent tryout.

I'm going to claim that because I was offered a tryout, I'm now an ex-NFL kicker.

Mrs. McNabb is the greatest Campbell's Chunky Soup mom of all time.

Who was the best Campbell's Chunky Soup Mom? Mrs. McNabb or Mrs. Davis? Oh, I think it's Mrs. McNabb all the way. I don't even know... it's gotta be Mrs. McNabb. The great part about Mrs. McNabb was that when she was doing the commercials, that was like right when all the drama with [Donovan] McNabb and T.O. was going down.

No one is in a committed relationship at the Jersey Shore during summer

Here's the thing about the Jersey Shore is you fall in love with clubs. You don't fall in love with other people... No one's in a relationship at the Jersey Shore, or inside of a Real World house.

If you don't have a good cry every now and then, you're crazy

Listen, if you don't have a good cry every now and then... you're crazy. You gotta cry every now and then... Have I cried when I've been drunk? Hell yeah. I think probably the majority of times that I've cried in the last 10 years, I'd say like 50 to 60% have been while I'm drunk.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

No one in history has ever regretted getting a dog

No one regrets a dog. No, no ever that's facts.

Vacation activities are overrated; a perfect honeymoon is just hanging out at a beach or pool and getting hammered

This is why activities on vacations are overrated in general. Really, a guy's perfect honeymoon or vacation is just go somewhere, hang out at a beach, a pool, and then get hammered. He only does the activities because you want to do the activities.

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

I am officially down 10 pounds in the 'Year of the Core'.

I actually am down 10 pounds. I'm still about 10 pounds away from anyone being like, 'hey, you actually look good' because I was that overweight. But I am down 10 pounds. So what up now, haters?

New Year's resolutions only work because everyone agrees to be collectively annoying at the same time.

It's annoying in general to hear people talking about any change they're making... But if you preface it by saying it's a New Year's resolution, it's slightly less annoying. It's all everyone decides to be annoying together. We're in like group therapy.

Adults should only want cash for Christmas

If you want to get your significant other something very nice for Christmas, it is C-A-S-H, cash. You become an adult and you realize cash is king... I want the cash so I can pay my bookie.

A girl who can throw a perfect football spiral is a major turn-on

A little secret for all the chicks out there, a chick who can throw a sick spiral, that's a turn-on... When you see a girl just throw one just deep in a perfect spot, you're like, oof.

You should never hand someone your phone to show them a picture

You have to be an absolute psycho to hand someone else your phone. You've got to do the holding your phone and scrolling for them. You never give anyone anyone your phone.

Diet is more important than working out for weight loss

It's no secret when people say it's actually not about working out, it's about the diet, because what happens is... because I went to the gym, I was like, I can eat anything I want. And then I ate way worse than I normally would have.

Every woman past the age of 22 adds one pillow to her bed every year

I think it's just every woman who gets past the age of 22 decides that every year they're alive, they need to add one pillow to their bed. And then just eventually they end up with an entire house of pillows. And you're not allowed to sleep on them.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

Morning sex is the best kind of sex, especially in a hotel

I'm going to go on the record. Morning sex is the best sex there is. Hotel sex. In the morning. Ooh. Double threat.

Men and women should never stop grooming their pubic hair

What is the age where it is normal that you stop shaving or waxing your pubes? ... Never is the answer. ... I think you always ... Guys and girls. You got to keep it together down there. I mean, would you let your lawn just go unkempt?

Cash is the greatest Christmas gift you can ever give

So the real answer here is cash. All boyfriends want cash. They want cold, hard cash... Cash is the greatest gift you could ever give... When you open up a card, you're expecting cash in there. Put the fucking cash in there.

Every man in the world farts when they pee in the morning

Every time he pees in the morning, he farts and then laughs to himself. ... Do all guys do this? Yes. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. ... That's how every guy ever wakes up.

Old Coldplay is great, but new Coldplay sucks

Old Coldplay, not new Coldplay. New Coldplay sucks. Old Coldplay fucking [is great].

Facial hair is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows you can hunt and gather

Facial hair on a man, that is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows that you can provide for a family, you can hunt, you can gather, you can do it all.

Women carry up to two liters of extra blood during their periods

It's actually a fact. Women during their periods are carrying up to two liters more blood than the average human.

Getting a cold is the worst thing on earth

Because getting a cold is the worst thing on earth. Because every time I get sick, I'm like, I'm never going to be healthy again. A little dramatic, I admit, but what happens if you actually don't ever get healthy again?