Takes

Every golf course should make the 18th hole a short par five to give casual players hope

Every golf course should have the 18th hole be a short par five for the casual shitty golfer. It gives them the life and hope that they enjoy the round. If they can make it on and two and have an eagle birdie chance. I love this.

Good laser tag exists and it kicks ass

Laser tag kicks ass. There's good laser tag places, there's bad laser tag places. If we set it up right, it would be good. Laser tag done properly kicks ass.

Silver or Bronze in figure skating is more impressive than in a race

I think getting silver or bronze in figure skating is more impressive than silver or bronze in a race. Because silver and bronze in a race is like, yeah, you just weren't the fastest. Like there's only one fastest. But if someone walked in like, I got silver in the 100 meter dash, you're not the fastest. Silver in figure skating? Holy shit, that's impressive.

Patrick Mahomes won't be good for at least a month into next season following his ACL tear

Mahomes tore his ACL on December 14th... I think he'll play week one. I don't think he'll be good. I think he'll, he won't be good for a month.

Michigan State fans should troll Michigan over Sherrone Moore's Instagram activity

Michigan State deserves and is allowed to just go after Michigan right now. I actually think you should fire back... you go Sherrone Moore. Mel Tucker. 'cause that looks like you can hang. And also do not do the Larry Nassar [jokes].

The AFC is wide open this year

This is the most wide open AFC... You're only scary teams are the Chiefs and the Ravens... It is not a gauntlet.

Taking apart a microwave is fatal because it contains an electric bomb

Do never, do not ever take apart a microwave because you'll die. You'll get electrified. They've got like a bomb inside of them. ... You have a nuclear weapon in your kitchen.

Relationship hobbies must be established from the start because you can't add an addiction later

Before you start dating, you have to have all your hobbies set because you can't just add golf. You can add golf, but you can't add golf addict. There's a difference. There's a, you could be a golfer, but if this guy's playing seven days a week and YouTube tutorials and practicing swinging the living room, that's going to, you're gonna need to ease into that one.

I'll die on the hill that sleep talking is not evidence of cheating

Sleep talking is not evidence. I'll die on that hill. Sleep talking is not evidence. No one knows what you're saying in your sleep. No one has any like, people will just sleep talk and they have no recollection of what they were dreaming about or what they were saying.

Brown toilets should be more popular because they hide stains better

Say no Brown's kitchen. Every toilet's brown, brown toilets should be more popular. You hide the stains easy. He, he like, you should be like, listen honey, we'll do every toilet in this house Browns.

You cannot get mad at your partner for what appears in their Instagram algorithm

You can't get mad at technology. Right. Max, what is yours? ... I curate it like if I see if I pass by tits because you gotta click on it that way you get more tits... It's technology. The phones are smarter than we are.

Cash is the only valid Valentine's Day gift

My answer's always cash. No one has ever gotten the gift of cash and been like, 'Ew.' No. Gift card boxes you in; cash is limitless. Cash is king.

Nobody cares about October basketball

Who gives a fuck about October basketball? ... It matters maybe like 1%.

Admiring art in a museum is exactly the same as being a sports fan

Admiring art isn't that different from watching football. You spend all day, you pay like $15. You go to a big building and then you look at a screen on the wall and then that screen makes you feel emotions. A lot of times when you go to the museum, you get the headset and someone's explaining the art to you... You've got like a play-by-play guy for the art.

The NFL season should start in late October and run through April to preserve the summer

I kind of wish football season was in a different part of the year... I find myself trying to wish away the summer, which is the best season in terms of weather... I kind of wish we had summer after football season... if football started in late October and went till April and then it's like summer.

I have completely converted to being a wipes person for bathroom hygiene

I buy them at stores 'cause I'm just like, I I've completely converted to a wipes person. ... You have to finish [with them].

Winter officially begins the day after Thanksgiving

Winner starts the day after Thanksgiving. [Big Cat: You don't think December's winter?] What? No, because you, it's festive... [PFT:] I think that Christmas is a winter holiday. It is. It's a winter wonderland. Yeah.

I would take Bill Belichick as the next head coach of the Commanders

I would take Belichick. I just wanna say that for the record. I, I think Bill Belichick is a good head coach and I would like to see him coaching my team. I, especially if it's instead of Hank's team.

Going to separate weddings as a couple is the dream scenario

This is the easiest question ever. You both go to your weddings and have the best time ever without your girlfriend or boyfriend... once you start going to 'em and you get in your wedding like late twenties, early thirties... they all just blend together, this one will stick out. Might as well have some fun.

Once you break up, you no longer have the right to feel disrespected by your ex's dating life

You don't get to make those rules. You're broken up. You're broken up. You're broken up. If it was before then yeah, you could be upset. But if you're broken up, you're broken up.

Most remote workers only do about five to six hours of actual hard work per week

The working from home is like you only do half the work. You just basically fuck around all day and then... you can get your job done in like five to six hours of really hard work. That's just a fact. That's how America was built. ... You spent four hours on browsers, you played a bunch of SNES and Yeah. You just dicked around and looked at your fantasy team for 50% of the work week.

Most remote workers could finish their entire week's work on a Monday morning

If anyone figured out the fact that I could do my entire week's worth of work on a Monday morning, probably wouldn't be getting paid as much. Probably wouldn't have that job.

Using shampoo on your armpits doesn't work to make them smell good like it does for the hair on your head.

When you wash your hair, it smells nice. When you wash your armpit hair, the smell does not stick. It doesn't do anything... If you use shampoo in your hair, you'll be able to smell the shampoo in your hair later in the day. Use shampoo in your armpits. You will not be able to smell that.

Nathanial Vakos will be the number one kicker in the nation next year

The kicker from Ohio [University] just committed to Wisconsin... Nathanial Vakos. I'm ranking him as the number one kicker in the nation going into the next year.

The modern day alpha male gets away with lies to feel manly

Guys, you know what, the modern day alpha male doesn't have a lot of things that we can do to make us feel manly, but getting away with lies is one of those things.

A joint bachelor party between the groom and bride is a terrible idea

Don't do this. This is a bad idea. One side is not happy about this. Deep down they don't really want to do it. The only way this can work is if you have about a 90% clearance rate on both sides of the groomsmen and the bridesmaids being single... otherwise don't do it. It's never fun.

There is an 85% chance you will end up married to your ex if you go to a concert with them.

I've watched enough romcoms and gotten all my relationship advice from Judd app house, if you go to this concert, there's like a, I'd say 85% chance you guys get married. So that's just, what's gonna happen. You're gonna rekindle in the backdrop of a beautiful concert and boom, you're married. Maybe even have a kid.

The Squatty Potty is the medically superior way to defecate because of human evolution

I got it, bro. I got it. Okay. This is not a plug, but a Squatty potty... We sit regular, right? And that messes up our bowel movements. Right? So if he's leaning for a while... it could be coming out the wrong angle, but the Squatty potty lifts your knees to your chest. And the angles is downward. That's how we evolved to actually defecate.

Tipping a doorman for just doing their job is a high-level power move

What a great power move is too. If you're out with friends, if you have cash on you, you can always like, you can tip someone. That's not usually tipped right in front of other people. And then they're like, wow, that's a, that's a great move. What a class act? What about city money? Yeah, exactly. Like you tip, you tip a doorman just for doing their job.

You are not allowed to switch which side of the bed you sleep on unless you move to a new house

I also think you can't switch until you move. Like you can't switch in the house that you've been sleeping. If you have a side that you've been sleeping on, the opportunity to switch is when you move, correct. You cannot switch like just one day switch. That's crazy.

Boneless wings are slow-twitch muscles and bone-in wings are fast-twitch

Boneless wings are slow Twitch muscles and bone in wings are fast Twitch muscles. In terms of on the chicken... I think it has more higher mineral density.

You cannot pair a stone-cold sober person with a heavy stoner in a relationship

You can't have somebody that's stone cold sober and somebody that's like high. Ben Buddha Ben needs... he needs a Buddha babe that understands him and gets him. But you can't pair up like a stone-cold sober person with that because the personalities just don't align.

If you agree to a bracket-based system for naming your child, you are legally bound to follow through with the winner

My problem with this is, if you agreed to this, you have—it's legally binding. You shouldn't have done this... naming our child off a completely random tournament, but you agreed to it. And now guess what? Your only recourse here is have another kid and then you get to name that kid.

Raising children as fans of losing teams like the Lions or Browns is good for their character development

I think that a healthy amount of adversity—losing, growing up—actually has a good impact on the kid for learning how to deal with all that. Whereas if they... just made them say like a Patriots fan who also rooted for Duke, then they'd turn out to be a real piece of shit.

You can only change a child's name if they are the firstborn and under 18 months old

I think you can change a kid's name up until a year and a half... It also has to be the first kid because you can't, if it's the second kid... my son would be like, what the fuck?

Relationships built entirely on fitness and distance running are not built to last

Relationships built off fitness. I don't think are built to last because at some point, yeah, you're going to be out of shape. Well, and then you both have to be fitness freaks and then make tick talks together about like meal prep and shit.

It's a law of the universe that long-haired quarterbacks don't win Super Bowls

It's not even really long hair curse. It's just a demonstrable fact that long hair quarterbacks have never won a Superbowl... It's a law of the universe.

Madden 2004 was the best video game of all time

But Madden 2004 was probably the best video game of all time.

Odell Beckham Jr. will sign with the Seahawks

I think he's going to be a Seahawk, based on the way that DK answered those questions earlier when he was like, no, we're not claiming off waivers. That tells me that he knows that they're going to sign him as a free agent.

OBJ going to the Bucs would significantly increase their Super Bowl chances

What team would Odell go to that you actually think it increases their chance significantly to win a Super Bowl?... It would be the Bucs because... Antonio Brown, there's something up with him. Plot twist, Antonio Brown is unreliable this season.

Zach Wilson has a 'laser arm' and his high throw velocity is a sign of potential success

Zach Wilson also had the fastest throw this week... laser arm. Yeah. Set it. Keep that in mind. That's good. In the first two weeks he had a 59.99 mile per hour pass.

3D sports broadcasts will be forced back into the mainstream within the next two years.

I do predict that it's about that time for them to start forcing 3D down our throats again. It's like every three years, like 3D sports is coming back and it always sucks. It's never been good, but they're going to try because they feel like they can make money off it now. So I predict in the next, like two years, they'll start forcing that on us.

A man who works out twice a day and can only bench 185 is definitely cheating on his girlfriend

185, there's really no other explanation. You're either dating the biggest soy boy beta bitch or he's cheating on you... Most gyms will actually revoke your membership if you go there every day because you're obviously, you're not getting out of this what you're putting into it.

If you don't look at the internet for four hours, you miss 10 years; if you don't look for a week, you miss nothing

The internet's a weird thing like that. If you don't look at the internet for four hours, you feel like you missed 10 years. But if you don't look at the internet for a week, you feel like you missed absolutely nothing.

There is a conspiracy to prevent Americans from eating turkey eggs

I think that there's a conspiracy theory out there for us to not eat turkey eggs... It sounds to me like the most dangerous game. Like, it probably tastes better because it's so hard to get them. [Big Cat: They're rare.] Now I really want to eat turkey eggs because of everything this website has told me.

Camo Crocs are sick and making a comeback

Camo Crocs are sick. Crocs might be making a comeback.

I will be the first person in line to get the COVID-19 vaccine once it's available

I am going to inject myself when we get the vaccine. I'll be first to get that. I'll take what—acts will lead from the front on this one. Fill me up with whatever you need. Absolutely.

Every man sits down to pee at home when they are tired or it's late at night

In between the hours of 2:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m., if I have to piss, I'll sit down because I'm grubby. I absolutely sit down. There's nothing to be ashamed of in sitting down if you're tired, plus it's like a little mini workout, you do a little squat.

If you have to ask if a guy is serious about a relationship, he's just trying to fuck

I think if you're asking then it's he's just trying to fuck. Like if this is like the old... if you're asking if he's into a relationship or just trying to fuck, he's probably just trying to fuck.

Switching to being a Ravens fan is a heavy lifestyle commitment involving purple cargo shorts and defending Ray Lewis

Switching to becoming a Ravens fan... is a much heavier commitment. ... [You wear] purple gray and black camo cargo shorts like six days [a week]... and just smelling like crab chips all day and mispronouncing your L's. ... Then you have to have all these counter-arguments ready for when people bring up Ray Lewis or Ray Rice. It just becomes exhausting.