Takes

The seeds from China are 'murder gourds' designed to destroy American pumpkins and cancel Halloween

He planted him seeds and a gourd pops out. Personally I think that the gourd was... going to try to harm American gourds with some sort of disease or murder gourds. And guess what's a very American gourd? Pumpkin... trying to cancel Halloween exactly. Wow, and guess what? That's Because no pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. Oh my gosh trickle down. Christmas gets ruined.

Bill Belichick might opt out of the 2020 season to sabotage Josh McDaniels and tank for Trevor Lawrence

My big-time stay woke on this is that Bill Belichick, he might opt out if coaches can opt out... he's got so many players on defense that are out, right? If Bill Belichick opts out McDaniels probably takes over, right? They go 4-12. All of a sudden no one wants to sign Josh McDaniels to a head coaching contract next year. He keeps the team together maybe gets Trevor Lawrence.

You should definitely plant mystery seeds sent from China even if the government says not to

I saw the story over the weekend and I get the US government was saying do not plant seeds that come ship to you from China. Fuck that. If I get mystery seeds. The first thing I'm going to do is plant those.

I could still play a limited role in the NFL or MLB today

I assume that if you put on the pads or grab the bat you could make a NFL or MLB team today. Do you think that that's true or am I maybe exaggerating your skills? [Deion]: That is true, but I would have to play a limited role... I could play nickel at a free safety and football and baseball I could pinch Runner.

Ben Simmons will hit a three-pointer in his first game back in the NBA bubble

I guarantee in [Ben Simmons'] first game, he'll hit a three... in this environment, he'll shoot it because the anxiety won't be there.

The entire world might be made of cake

There was a video titled, 'These are all cakes.' It's like a three minute video... it blew my mind. Then everyone convinced themselves that you know, maybe the world is just a giant cake. Like the Matrix.

I am better at kicking field goals than 50% of the players on the New York Red Bulls

I think I am better than 50% of New York Red Bulls soccer players at kicking field goals in football. From 35 yards, yes. Then 50% of MLS, yes.

Clay Travis had the worst prediction of the year for saying COVID-19 deaths would not reach the thousands

Clay Travis... said I'd be surprised if we get into the thousands when talking about total coronavirus deaths in the U.S. however turns out he's actually right because there's 20 times more people that have been infected than not [sarcastic delivery].

The Patriots are going to make the Super Bowl with Cam Newton

Cam Newton is going to be the starter. It's going to be electric. The Patriots are going to make the Super Bowl. It's going to be the Patriots and the Bucs and I'm going to be so excited.

I could kitesurf right now by just letting the wind do the work

I don't think windsurfing is at heart I said for those I don't think it's nice I just fucking hang on I said right here I think I could kitesurf yeah just let the wind do all the while I watch it I was like dude all you gotta do is listen up and then bring you down.

I currently consider myself the best quarterback in the NFC South

I think currently I'll go with myself [as the best quarterback in the NFC South].

Jameis Winston will be a Hall of Fame quarterback

Jameis Winston has told himself that he is one of the best quarterbacks... 'I know what I'm worth and I know day in and day out without publicly coming in and saying it that historically I'm one of the best quarterbacks to play the game.' ... Janice Winston has told himself that he is one of the best quarterbacks. According to history, Jamis is a hall-of-fame quarterback... Jameis Winston is going to be a Hall of Famer.

Porn sites are pushing specific genres to collect blackmail dirt on the entire country

I think that the porn sites have been complicit recently... on most major porn sites, they feature heavily the whole stepson-stepdaughter dynamic even if you never click on those videos and watch them, they're pushing those on you. I think that they've been doing that so that now they know that anyone that's been to one of these websites has either accidentally or on purpose clicked on one of those, so they have dirt on everybody in America almost.

Michael Jordan's claim that I was the source for 'The Jordan Rules' is a lie

For MJ to say I wasn't the source of this book, that's a lie. That's a downright lie and he knows that... Sam Smith spent more time with Bill Cartwright, BJ Armstrong, Paxson, Tex Winter, Johnny Bach... I don't know where that comes that I was the source behind the book. It's a straight-up lie.

The NBA will never play again in 2020

I don't think they're going to play again ever. I heard a nasty rumor today... I've canceled sports for 2020 you guys got mad at me for that.

The T-Rex is an absolute fraud of a dinosaur

T-Rex is an absolute fraud. We got Giganotosaurus, that's like the alpha of all the roars. It's just basically T-Rex with functional arms but like four times as big. Looks like a dragon.

Mark Jackson deserves more credit than Steve Kerr for the Warriors dynasty

Mark Jackson built that coach over there. Mark Jackson is on record calling the Splash Brothers the Splash Brothers. He's on record talking noise saying 'I got the best two shooters in the world.' Steve Kerr just happened to see the stroke go right.

Donating blood and platelets frequently is like an oil change for the body

I like the idea of donating my blood more frequently because it's like a car oil change, right? Yeah, like if my body if I'm walking around with old blood then I'm going to act sluggish. It's not going to be as efficient. But if I give a bunch of my blood, the new blood's better.

Rick Pitino is definitely a guy who has nipple rings

I think the two of them probably have a lot in common as you like Cuomo Rick Pitino has probably a nipple ring guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah big time nipple ring guy if he doesn't have them he loves them.

I could take a boa constrictor in a wrestling match

I think I could take a boa constrictor. I don't think a boa constrictor could take down like a fucking well... I just punch it in its brain over and over. I would you kick a boa constrictor up doesn't have to take down a boa constrictor our python an anaconda might get you.

NBA owners should marry their players to circumvent the salary cap

Could an owner theoretically marry a player in order to circumvent the salary cap? It's actually brilliant, isn't it? I don't think any holes in that... Michael Jordan could probably adopt his son or he could just have a son play and just write more and more into the will every year.

If Tom Brady wins with the Chargers, he's officially better than Eli Manning

If he went to the Chargers and then read far back and prove once and for all... if he's able to win with the Chargers [he is better than Eli Manning].

Short guys wearing high heels is an alpha move compared to wearing lifts

If you wore lifts in your in your shoes. That's a clown move if you were heels, that's a I'm so confident in myself. I don't give a fuck. It's an alpha move, right? I will dress up as a woman Checkmate and be six feet tall Checkmate.

Aaron Rodgers is over the hill and not good anymore

Aaron Rodgers is over the hill. He's not good anymore. I don't know your Rodgers... you guys got screwed on that spot.

The DC Defenders could beat the Washington Redskins right now.

I'm actually saying that I think that the Defenders could beat the Redskins, but right now I'm saying like the Redskins roster as it stands. They all had to show off. They just showed up. The stadium fair without practicing.

The Washington Nationals should be awarded the 2017 World Series title

I actually think that [the Nationals] should get the Astros' 2017 World Series because they beat the team that [was cheating]. They acquire the Astros' cheating World Series because they beat them while they're—the only team that has ever beaten the cheating Astros in a World Series is the Washington Nationals.

The Browns might not win a game next year

So the Browns are going to stink next year. ... I'm going to say it's not behind your back like a regional. You guys might not win a game. It's a bold strategy. ... We're going to dunk on everyone. Physically, we're not going to do anything. But you will, and then we will reap all the benefits.

I will get Kevin Durant on the podcast before my 36th birthday

I will say if we don't get Kevin Durant on this podcast in our age of 35, cancel my birthday next year. I'll just stay 35 forever.

I am a better kicker than the kickers at Alabama

Alabama could do a lot worse. Dude, I'm a better kicker than Alabama. Saban would have another chip if he had you as a kicker. That's a fact.

Truth serum would fix the American justice system

Hit him with truth serum for $69.50. You find out everything. So I think that is real justice. And we don't do it enough. Because the lawyers got to make money, the courts have to make money... let's get down to the real nitty gritty. Hit him with that and find out what's really going on.

I could still run for 500 to 600 yards in a season if I played in the NFL today

Maybe I can put up, I don't know, 500, 600 yards, something like that for the season... at 50, I feel like I could run maybe a 4.5, 4.6 [40-yard dash], right?

I can outkick Jay Feeley

Could PFT outkick Jay Feeley now if they were both wearing suits and reporting on the sideline and immediately got called in to start kicking field goals? Definitely. Jay Feeley's a fucking loser. He needs his two little weird gloves to be able to kick. I don't need that shit... I kicked Raw Dog. No glove, no love. I absolutely would [fuck him up]. And consider that a challenge.

I am a better and more accurate kicker than Chad Ochocinco

I'm not scared of you Chad. I'm coming for you Chad. I'm a better Kicker than you. I'm more accurate. They call me mr. 35 yards. Hmm. That's what they call me because I go I go 99 percent from 35 yards so I don't care if I can't kick a 60-yarder but I can hit a 35-yarder twice.

I would take Trevor Lawrence over Joe Burrow right now

I'm getting killed also, too, because I would take Trevor Lawrence over Burrow. What he showed in that Fiesta Bowl, the amount of times he got hit... the Clemson has the goods.

Scoring a high amount of points is a curse that prevents winning championships

Scoring points is bad, and you should actually be bad on offense... The 12 highest scoring teams in NFL history have zero championships. Zero. That's good enough for me. Zero championships. Scoring points is bad. You do not want to score points.

Human hearts have a finite number of beats, so running is bad for you

As far as I'm concerned, your heart only has a finite amount of beats programmed into it at birth. It's like eggs in a woman. So I don't want to raise my heart rate too high because then it's not going to be around to beat when I'm past the age of 70.

Urban Meyer coaching the Cleveland Browns would be assisted suicide

Urban Meyer coaching the Browns would be assisted suicide. He cannot—he is the man who losses kill him. They take away part of his life like the battery life in his body. If he goes to the Browns he will die.

Drew Lock will be a five-time Pro Bowler

I'm going to take your original question say [Drew Lock] will make he will be in five pro/5 Pro Bowl. Damn. Okay. Okay, Drew lock five-time pro bowler.

Jim Boylen is the worst coach in the history of basketball

Yeah, he is the worst coach in the NBA. He might be the worst coach in the history of basketball... He called a timeout with 33 seconds left in the third quarter to stop the run... there is a timeout that's naturally [between quarters]... He's such a fucking idiot.

Skyline Chili is disgusting

I hate that stuff. It's not real chili. It's just sauce... Cincinnati's going to hate me, but I hate that stuff.

The Chicago Bears are definitely going to make the playoffs

The Bears are going to make the playoffs. So Thursday night tune in. If the Bears lose, devastation... my team is still alive, just say fuck it and let's just hope that the best thing possible happens because then at least you get to watch games that feel meaningful. I've convinced myself fully.

Michigan football is a myth that is not on the same level as Ohio State or Alabama.

I'm actually kind of agree just because the Michigan myth is one of the greatest myths going in all of college sports. They have won half a national title in the last 60 years. And they make you think that they matter and that they're on the level of Alabama and USC and Ohio State and Clemson even now. ... realistic Michigan fans probably were like... We aren't going to get better.

Luka Doncic is the best player of all time

Is Luka Doncic the best player of all time? Yes. I think so. I think he's going to be—he's really good. Of all time. He's crazy. 42 point triple double.

Anthony Davis will sign with the Bulls in free agency next year

Anthony Davis was at like a school speaking... and he called Chicago the mecca. And he said they asked about like him coming back to Chicago to play and he said I am a free agent next year, but we will see. Door is wide open. Those are just fans already sick LeBron. Those are just facts.

Tom Izzo is overrated because he hasn't won a title since 2000

Tom Izzo is overrated. That's because he's other... He just hasn't won the big one. This is coasting. He's coasting.

The Jets should draft Tua Tagovailoa and move on from Sam Darnold

If the Jets were somehow to get the first pick, do they take Tua? I think you would. I think you'd take Tua. Sam Darnold doesn't look like a quarterback anymore... You gotta get star power, you gotta get that name that pops in the Big Apple.

The 7th PLL expansion team will be named the Waterdogs

The Waterdogs are going to be the name. I'm excited for it... Go Waterdogs.

Lamar Jackson is poised for a big drop-off in the second half of the season

Lamar Jackson stinks talk about him. He stinks again... I think that this is a team that is poised to take a big drop-off in the second half of season. Lamar Jackson to notice. I notice this take he he looked a step slower than he has the first few weeks.

It is selfish to live past 100 years old

Once the clock strikes 100, at that point, you should just let go. You're being selfish if you live past 100. Yeah, you're kind of trying to show everyone up.

LeBron James only supports NCAA likeness rights to keep elite competition out of the NBA

He wants to players to get paid. So they're more likely to stay in college the elite players so they don't come to the NBA and compete against him. That's what's really happening.