Takes

Uncrustables are the perfect meal

It's really the perfect meal, an Uncrustables.

House train a dog by feeding it roast beef while it pees

Get like roast beef or some kind of really good meat from the deli and just give your dog a little piece every time they go to the bathroom outside while they're going to the bathroom. That's how I got [Stella] house trained. She would literally be peeing, eating roast beef out of my hand.

I would rather win one Super Bowl and have fun than win five in a fear-based organization

I think a lot of guys just want to be happy playing football... It's like the Patriots, obviously, they won five Super Bowls. Is that necessarily guideline minds to win the Super Bowl?... I don't want to be serious. I want to be a not serious individual and get the job done.

Ex-Patriot players won't speak the truth about how much they hated playing for Belichick

What do you think they're going to say? I can hate it there. No, I won Super Bowls. We had a great time. They're not going to badmouth their coach. They're not going to say what they really want to say. Do you think that's going to happen? Hell no.

Young adults should be assholes and selfish until they turn 25

I don't trust people who know exactly what they want to do in life when they're 18 and 19 years old because we're all shitheads before we're 25. Until you turn 25, you should be an asshole. You should be selfish. You should not care about anybody else. You should just want to have a good time all the time.

Being a Resident Assistant in college is a terrible job

Don't be an RA. Don't fucking do it. Listen, if you need the free housing... Go work the streets, but don't be an RA. An RA is worse than a mall cop.

Indianapolis is the true 'Barstool America' because it's stereotypical heartland

We Oxford Dictionary-ed what America is. Stereotypically American was the answer, and I said, well, I think that's more like everything I do in my life... I'm all about the heartland here. And even New York City, boy, has grown on me... but when I got here, I really thought I was in foreign land.

Buffalo Wild Wings is making a comeback with larger wings

Their wings got bad there for a little while. They're coming back, though. The wings are good. They got bigger wings.

Having 15 bridesmaids in a wedding is ridiculous and impossible

I think anytime you reach double digits, it's like, holy shit, what's going on here? ... Nobody has that many friends. If you have 12 people in your wedding, that means that either you're just trying way too hard to please people or it just means that you're rich and all your friends are using you for your money.

Swallowing dip spit is significantly worse than drinking pee

I would... I would beer bong three solid urination trips over taking one sip of dip, spit, and swallowing.

You can never be friends with your bookie

[Big Cat: Can you be friends with your bookie?] No. That's the age-old question, and the answer is no.

It is better for your date to get injured on a ski trip than for her to be better at skiing than you

He takes her on a ski trip... She starts skiing, and she does backflips going down. And he [Donald Trump] thought that he was going to take this girl out and teach her how to ski. She was better than him. He immediately picked his skis up and walked inside for the rest of the weekend. He's like, this sucks. I can't deal with that. So I would rather that your date gets devastatingly injured than for her to be better.

Work parties suck and nothing good can come from them

Work parties fucking suck. Can I just say that? Work parties suck. There's nothing good that can come from a work party. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, holiday party. Someone's going to get drunk. Someone's going to puke. Someone's going to be embarrassed. Someone might lose their job.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

Robert Griffin III getting his new girlfriend's name tattooed on his arm is a massive mistake

Robert started dating Greta and immediately got her name tattooed on his arm for the whole world to see. This is one of those Jimbo's that Robert doesn't even know... Bobby doesn't even know that he's Jimbo'd yet, but he's Jimbo'd.

A koala ride is a safer drunk transportation method than a piggyback ride

The koala ride's actually a lot safer than the piggyback. [Big Cat]: Yeah, and then boom, you're having sex.

Never spend more than $50 on sunglasses if you are under 30

Little tip for everyone out there... If you're under 30 years old, never, ever, ever buy a pair of sunglasses that are more than $50. That's on you, okay? $50. I don't buy a pair unless it's under $15.

To win over a girl on a first date, be as dumb and awful as possible

Spin Zone, girls love a challenge. So if you're going on a first date, try to fuck up and be as dumb and awful as you can be. Because then they're going to say, whoa, look at this wild horse. I want to tame him and bring him into the bar. Learn that one from every Judd Apatow rom-com.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.

You can only trust the weather in Chicago between July 4th and Labor Day

It's been classic Chicago because three weeks, two weeks ago, it was 80 degrees and beautiful. Now winter is basically back. And like I said, the only time you can trust Chicago weather is like July 4th to Labor Day.

Buffalo Wild Wings' wings are finally getting good again

Their wings got bad there for a little while. They're coming back, though. The wings are good. They got bigger wings.