Takes

Major colleges shorten their tracks to fake faster 40-yard dash times during Pro Days

I think that the major programs out there are making a section of their practice fields where the hash marks are slightly closer together. So the place where they have them run the 40-yard dashes at their own pro days, it's actually slightly less than 40 yards, which would make them time out better.

You should never post a picture of cooked meat or your thumb online because they always look bad on camera.

The two [things you should never post] that come to mind is always your meat. Don't post any picture of meat. And then don't post your thumb because your thumbs always look bad... just when people see a thumb on picture, it looks weird no matter whose thumb it is.

Mark Zuckerberg definitely has ass implants

Mark Zuckerberg surfing has hit the internet... I noticed right away. The dude's got a fucking donk. He has got cheeks. Big-time cheeks... I think it's an ass implant. Mark Zuckerberg is a nerd though... he can't just do something that's so obvious. What he can do is get a fake fat ass.

LeBron James intentionally sat out the end of the 2019 season because he was tipped off about COVID early

You remember that picture of LeBron James staying at the end of the bench far away from his teammates... knowing what we know now about LeBron James is financial ties to the Chinese government do you think he got tipped off ahead of time and was like hey I got to stay away from people so much that I'm going to try to send them all to New Orleans?

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people?... Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand. And that's why he does the whole like, oh, I have to pee every 10 minutes to make himself seem un-witch-like.

Kobe Bryant is better than LeBron James

If you're a LeBron stan, take a moment, have a little self-reflection, and realize Kobe's better than LeBron.

Antonio Brown is trying to convince himself he's happy in Oakland, but he will demand a trade within six weeks

I don't think he wants to be an Oakland Raider. And he's trying to convince himself that this is the good move... I wouldn't be shocked if he demands a trade within the first six weeks. That'd be amazing.

Nick Saban paid Bill Belichick to wear an Alabama shirt to help recruit white wide receivers

I think that Saban paid him to wear the shirt because Saban knows they need to do a better job recruiting the Hunter Renfros of the world... What better way to recruit the, like, scrappy little white wide receivers than have Belichick be the new face of your program?

John Dorsey leaked the Kareem Hunt video to drive down his price so the Browns could sign him cheaply

The Stay Woke is John Dorsey is the general manager of the Browns. He was the general manager of the Chiefs. He drafted Kareem Hunt. Kareem Hunt's incident happened in a Cleveland hotel. It didn't come out for a long time. John Dorsey's in Cleveland. It comes out. Then John Dorsey gets Kareem Hunt for a million bucks.

The moon is actually just the Las Vegas area desert

I think the landing actually happened, but I think it happened in... I think the moon is just the Las Vegas area desert. [I am] a little woke on that.

Space Jam 2 is a front for LeBron James to pay free agents extra money outside the salary cap

Couldnt you just offer [a superstar] a role in Space Jam 2 and through your production company pay him, I don't know, $30 million a year? Kevin Durant takes the veteran minimum on the books and... He's got a fake movie. Follow the checks. Follow the money.

George W. Bush was likely on steroids for his 9/11 first pitch

Greatest first pitch of all time... How come nobody's ever asked? Was George Bush on steroids? It was the height of the steroid era. Did W take PED? ... why wouldn't you rub a little bit of cream on your arm? Absolutely. Put some clear underneath your tongue.

Australia does not exist

Australia doesn't exist. Australia is not a real place... Australia was invented by the British because it was like a penal colony... airline pilots are all in on it, too... when you fly people on vacation to Australia, you just take them down to Chile, and they never know the difference.

LeBron James is building the 'All-Blame Team' to ensure no one blames him for the Lakers' 2018-19 season

I think LeBron is now just putting together the all blame team. He has put together the greatest blame team of all time. JaVale McGee, Lance Stevenson, Rondo, and Michael Beasley. LeBron James has no intentions of winning next year. He just has intentions of making sure no one blames him.

Marlins Man is likely joining Donald Trump's legal defense team because top firms are rejecting him.

My theory is that I think that Lawrence Levy, Marlins Man, is joining the Donald Trump dream team because Trump can't get any more lawyers to represent him. He's been rejected by like five or six of the top law firms. Marlins Man's probably number seven or number eight. And if I was in a tough spot and I needed somebody on my side to just like harass my opponent until they got so annoyed... I'm going to Marlins Man probably first.

The WatchESPN app allows the network to spy on you inside your house

Alex Jones thinks that Bill Walton was being 100% serious... It would also be great if Bill Walton accidentally exposed this, and ESPN was trying not to let this out, and he was just off on one of his weird trips, and he unwittingly uncovered the most giant conspiracy in the history of cable television.

Florida State has a 'turtle murdering problem' and a bad culture

I'm guessing the Tallahassee police are somehow involved in this... Knowing that there's been one turtle murder that I know of this year, and it happened at Florida State, that's conclusive. Bad culture.

StatCast is a complete hoax and is likely just one guy making up numbers

StatCast is the fakest, fraudest thing ever... Every fucking time, it's just like a ball's hit hard. Oh, it was 119 exit velocity with an angle of 47... It's literally a guy—sitting somewhere probably in like Arizona it's Nate Silver... he's just watching games he's like okay that looked like a hard hit ball 108 miles an hour.

The Marlins fake their attendance numbers using Wi-Fi logins

I bet the Marlins do their attendance based on how many people log into the Wi-Fi every night. It kept on kicking us out like every 10 minutes, and then it would just come right back on. I bet the Marlins count it as like 50 people... every single person counts for like 15.

Britney Spears' Instagram comments are a clandestine hub for Russian spies

I think we talked about this a couple weeks ago with Britney Spears' Instagram comments being like a meeting place for Russian spies and hackers. ... It's basically like a park bench in St. Petersburg with two guys in trench coats dropping off briefcases to each other.

The Patriots brought in Adrian Peterson specifically to injure him so no one else could sign him

The Patriots specifically just brought Peterson in to try to injure him in a workout so that no other team could get him.

Phil Mickelson intentionally reported Lexi Thompson's rules violation to ensure the PGA Tour was on notice

I think Phil Mickelson called in this rules violation ahead of the Masters to make sure everybody was on their game. ... Also stay woke. Maybe he was just making this quote to get the headlines that he paid $2 million to his bookie last year, pushed down a little bit on the Google search results.

Phil Mickelson will eventually play on the LPGA tour

Phil Mickelson might actually play on the LPGA. He's got the boobs, he's got the tits, he's got a rack. ... I like a guy with a nice rack. Phil Mickelson, he does it for me.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL is just faking his endorsements

I think that John Madden's actually dead. I think that the NFL is just attributing quotes to John Madden when they make changes to the game of football so that everybody would be like, oh, well, John Madden's a football guy. He approves of this change.

Bill Belichick sends his assistants to AFC teams specifically to destroy them from within

Every single Belichick assistant that has spun off into a head coach or front office guy at another team has gone to work in the AFC, and they've systematically destroyed that team that they've gone to and made it an easier schedule for the Patriots. McDaniels just completely destroyed Denver. Pioli and company went to the Chiefs. Bill O'Brien... Texans stink. Saban fucked up the Dolphins too.

News broadcasts should stop reporting on crimes to discourage copycats, similar to how the NFL stops showing streakers

The news should stop showing all the bad stuff that happens so it's work for me they should follow the NFL's lead once again Roger Goodell is a thought leader trying to improve society so hey news big news producers out there maybe stop leading with mass murders cut away from them and have Gruden just talk that's right and then and then there won't be any more murders

Steve Kerr is directly financing terror by admitting to using marijuana

By buying that marijuana... Steve Kerr is directly financing terror. So I don't know if there's a case to be like a Rico thing they could investigate, the Warriors, but it's not a good look.

Announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive ratings

I think that announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive up ratings. Because there's one thing that you can't draw when you're doing a telestrator and that's a dick. And they do it every time. Every single time it's a dick.

Voters are more likely to support political change when their local NFL team is losing

When your football team is good, you're more likely to vote for an incumbent. And when your football team's bad, you're more likely to vote for a new guy. The Jaguars and Dolphins sucked up until Election Day. Wisconsin voted Trump. Steelers sucked at the start of the year, Pennsylvania voted Trump. Carolina Panthers suck, North Carolina voted for Trump too.

Roger Goodell's failure to suspend Aaron Hernandez is encouraging other players to mimic him

Players are starting to do the Aaron Hernandez crack the safe money toss touchdown celebration. I have. So stay woke. Roger Goodell in his negligence and failing to suspend Aaron Hernandez despite being convicted of murder... he's emboldened the players to mimic Aaron Hernandez. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some more murders.

Roger Goodell is making kickers miss to save money on the NFL's Salute to Service donations

The NFL donates $1,000 to the three core nonprofit partners for every point scored [during Salute to Service month]. Roger Goodell... is trying to save a little coin. The NFL ratings are hurting... He probably sat everyone down and said, guess what? We'll get some kickers to miss some extra points. Boom. $11,000 saved today.

The fact that creepy clowns disappeared immediately after the election proves Donald Trump paid them to create chaos during the campaign

What happened to the clowns?... Before the election. Now the clowns just are gone? Chaos is good for Trump. You don't think Trump bought some clowns and had them kind of have some panic around America? Because that's coincidental that the clowns are just not here anymore.

Ken Bone is a government plant to distract us from the election

I think that Ken Bone is either a plant for the Red Sweater Company... or he might be just a guy that's inserted in there to make us just stop freaking out about the election. I think that Ken Bone might actually be like a Jason Bourne type situation where he's an assassin.

Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life

Is there a conspiracy that Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life so they can keep it illegal? ... who else do we know anyone else who's been addicted to weed?

Tim Tebow is a viral marketing stunt hired by Jimmy Kimmel

I think Tim Tebow is just a viral ad. I think he's just a viral person. He's a Kimmel stunt. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel has hired Tim Tebow from the time Tim Tebow was in ninth grade just to do pranks.

The Auburn girl getting hit in the face by a football was a staged video

I think it was planned. Obviously, she still got the ball off her face, but there's a second video of someone videotaping her behind her. That seems too convenient... I said in the text, I was like, I don't know how, but I know.