Takes

I had no intention of hurting Ruben Tejada during the 2015 NLDS slide

There was zero intention to fuck anybody up on that play... Obviously the outcome was different than other slides that I've had. I didn't anticipate actually hitting him nearly as hard as I did... I had no intention of hurting him whatsoever.

Every baseball game should be decided by a swing-off

I like the swing off. The end of game is great. I want everything decided by swing offs now. Regular season baseball games swing off... child custody hearings swing off.

I am officially the best bunter in Major League Baseball history

I do say this though. I do say I'm the best bunter in major league history... I had one bunt attempt got it down. So. Anytime big situations, I always say I'm the best bunner in major league history. You ready to, can't take that away from me. I'm one for one.

The Detroit Tigers will win the American League

I'll say this right now. I think the Detroit Tigers are gonna win The AL. I don't know if they can win the World Series. There's some good teams in the NL... in the last month, it's like [Javi Baez] recaptured something and, and, and come back to the world as, as what the electrifying Javi Baez was.

Beards are causing baseball injuries because the face is connected to the elbow

My who's back is baseball injuries 'cause Garrett Cole's out for the year... Bad Tommy John. They should never change the rules about shaving your face. Like this, this would not have happened if he was clean shaven. That's true. That's your, your face. Your face is connected to your shoulder, to your elbow.

The MLB should allow players suspended for steroids back early if they win the Home Run Derby

Our idea that we had last year was one of the best, which is if you test positive for steroids, you can get out of your suspension by winning the Home Run Derby.

I wish I had used steroids during my MLB career

I look back now, I go, fuck, I wish I would've done 'em. Yeah. To be honest with you. I wish I would've because I, I don't think I would've, I I think I would've gained velocity. You know, I, I, I think in that aspect, so with my ability to throw strikes, I think it would've made me a lot better.

Major League Baseball should get rid of all stats from the pre-integration era

I actually think you should just get rid of all old stats pre-integration because that was ma the major league stats are also tainted. You kept out because you kept out some of the best players. You've deliberately kept them out. You shouldn't be able to count those as those the like the number one stats.

I will pay for John Fisher's hair restoration if he appears on the podcast

John Fisher because you're a bald fuck. Big Cat will pay for your hair restoration for one appearance on Pardon My Take. Because he is bald. Take it. You bald bitch.

Shohei Ohtani took the coward's way out by staying with the Angels

After the pressure of the trade deadline gets lifted, he decided to stay with the Angels. A team that has no expectations on it. That's interesting. He took the coward's way out. Is he afraid of the bright lights? If I was Shohei Ohtani, I would be demanding a trade to the New York Yankees or the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The Astros should start cheating again to beat the Yankees in the ALCS

If I'm the Astros, I start cheating again. Like I want, I want them to just beat the fuck outta the Yankees and then to have the Yankees just looking around like what the, what the hell just happened to us? I want spin rates to be off the chart this series.

Albert Pujols' late-career home run surge is suspicious and 'not normal'

Albert Pujols, 42 years old. July 4th he was hitting .189. And since then he leads the league in batting average and has like 11 homers. That's totally normal... Why does Sam Querrey not do fucking drugs before he retires? He should have done some fucking Winstrol.

MLB should cover up steroid use for players who are great for the game

David Ortiz was like, they, they just shouldn't suspend him because he's so good at baseball. And he is a face of the game... That's actually that's that makes more sense than what his own dad is doing. David Ortiz is right. It's like, if you're awesome at baseball, they should just cover it up.

O'Neil Cruz has a chance to be the best baseball player of all time

Someone told me that I trust who has good baseball knowledge said that there's a 5.5% chance he could end up being the best baseball player of all time... think about it, you're like, oh fuck, I gotta pay attention. He's six foot seven... is it true that he runs like Tyreek Hill? He's so fast. And then he threw from shortstop to first base... 97 [mph].

I bet $40,000 on the Orioles to win the AL

I made a bet on the Orioles to win the AL at 400 to one... I just got caught up in the buzz and I was like, fuck, I think I want a ride. I want, I want to ride with these guys.

Reds fans should defecate in the Toyota Tundra at the stadium to protest the owner

A Reds fan posted yesterday saying... 'I will be scaling the wall to defecate in the bed of the Toyota Tundra.' I just liked that Reds fans are fighting back. This is how you fight... maybe it will make people go shit in their trucks.

Babe Ruth would not even be a Double-A player in today's game

I saw a video, someone found a video of like 19-whatever the fuck he was born, he had a shitty swing. He looked slow and fat. If he was in today's day and age, he wouldn't even fucking be in AA. Who the fuck out of him put down field stands that I'm taking away his pinstripes. I'd probably strike him out.

The Houston Astros weren't just banging on garbage cans—they were using NASA technology

If the Astros got this technology from NASA that was going to steal these signs and relay them to the dugout on internet wifi... believe me guys, they wouldn't be banging on a garbage drum and give the hitter signal. It had to be very high-tech guys.

More than 80% of Major League pitchers doctor the baseball in some way

What percentage of non-athletics pitchers in general do you think are doctoring the ball in some way, shape, or form? I would say probably somewhere in the north of 80%... In terms of guys that just like that would use pine tar or something of that nature.

The Chicago Cubs prospect Jesus Camargo was likely a front for a drug cartel

Jesus Camargo was arrested after police found 21 pounds of meth in his team equipment bag... Is this something that's an organizational thing where he was assigned to do that? I wouldn't put it past Ricketts to make money any which way. It would not shock me. It'd actually be good for baseball if the Chicago Cubs were just straight up like the Juarez cartel.

Clayton Kershaw is the greatest postseason pitcher of all time

Clayton Kershaw has the most wins in my book of any starter in the last 25 years since the wild card came around. So yeah, he's he might be the best postseason pitcher out there of all time.

Theo Epstein is a genius for not trading Kyle Schwarber because he knew a pandemic and 60-game season were coming

Theo Epstein is a fucking genius. He knew that we were gonna have a pandemic and then a 60-game season and that's why I didn't trade Kyle Schwarber in 2016.

Jose Altuve's 'unfinished tattoo' excuse for not wanting his jersey ripped off is a cover for steroid-induced back acne.

No, it wasn't a tattoo. I was just embarrassed because I had a ton of bacne from all the steroids I was taking. Reframe the conversation. Type of cheating... the cheating that's allowed.

Clayton Kershaw should embrace Satan to fix his playoff struggles

There's only one more thing for [Clayton Kershaw] to do to try to turn this around and that's go completely satanic. Flip the script. Embrace Satan. Become goth Clayton Kershaw. Cornrows... mascara... black lipstick. Just like flip the script on God entirely. See if Satan will give you a hand.

MLB should have its pros pitch to kids during the Little League World Series game

I wish they played on an actual Little League dimension field... Kids pitching, Paxton Lynch just went deep... Major League Baseball players hit it. Yes. And just have it be.

Christian Yelich is not a true home run hitter because he's too skinny

Yellich sucks. He's not good enough to win a home run derby. I still, even a year later, even though he's, like, got 31 home runs or whatever. He doesn't have a home run swing. No, he does not. He's too skinny.

The 'ass-eating' bet with Christian Yelich is a lifetime commitment

I think it only should count for the one time. Like, you can't do the home run derby every year. I think it should be a home run derby. The next one you do, when you have to enter it and play in it, and that will be the bet.

Baseball players should start smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey in the dugout to prevent modern muscle injuries

Yeah, I think that baseball players should start smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey in the dugout again because you never heard of guys back in the 20s tearing their ACL. They just limped around like fools for the last 40 years of their life if they were lucky.

I will eat PFT Commenter's ass if Christian Yelich wins the Home Run Derby.

They were talking about the Home Run Derby and if Christian Yelich ever got in it and won, that [Big Cat] would eat PFT Commenter's ass. Yes. And so when I saw that tweet, it just reminded me... I'll fucking eat PFT's ass, whatever.

Baseball managers should be required to manage shirtless

If you're a manager, it should be mandatory that you're shirtless. Just the pants and the belt. We should do bodies of baseball, and it's just all the managers.

The Detroit Tigers will win the AL Central

The Tigers are in the Central, right? Oh, wow. Tigers... Is Vegas always right? [Vegas win total 68]

Tommy Lasorda will die if the Red Sox win the World Series

I'm still going with Tommy [Lasorda]. He's going to die if the Red Sox win.

PMT is 99% responsible for my second half performance

[What percentage of credit for my performance in the second half?] Like 99% probably.

Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in Major League Baseball

What it basically amounts to is Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in Major League Baseball, possibly sports... Trevor Bauer got spooked by a fake tweet in 2011 that Obama was going to take his fighting necklaces and confiscate them.

Mike Trout should get a mural of LeBron James' 'Welcome to LA' mural tattooed on his neck to improve his fame.

He should put, like, the LeBron James Welcome to L.A. mural on his neck. Yes, and then people will finally be like, oh, Anaheim is also in the L.A. market. And then he'll get swarmed by people trying to deface the mural on his neck. Yes. And so everybody will know what he looks like.

Baseball should remove the catcher position for the first two strikes with no one on base

My idea was to just remove the catcher and put the catcher in the infield or the outfield against a batter when there's nobody on base for the first two strikes. Yeah, the umpire gets hit a few times with some fastballs or whatever, but you don't need a catcher. Like who cares if the game's delayed a little bit?

A winning pitcher hugging a batter after a strikeout is a disgusting display of pity

This is disgusting. I would put one in that pitcher's ear hole next time he got up... That's a more disgusting move than pimping a home run. That's showing up your opponent more. Go up to him and be like, 'Hey, I'm going to give you a big hug because you can't handle this big loss.'

Astros pitchers have higher spin rates because Houston is closer to the equator

There's a reason why all the NASA sites in the United States are closer to the equator because the Earth spins faster the closer you get to the equator. So it's cheaper to fly a rocket there. So I think the fact that it's in Houston and further south means the ball spins faster.

Aaron Boone is the best manager in the history of baseball

Aaron Boone, best manager in the history of baseball.

MLB doesn't need a catcher for the first two strikes if no one is on base

Why for like the first two strikes of a batter, if there's nobody on base, do you really need a catcher back there? ... It would fuck the batter up, and it would also throw off the timing because the pitcher would just throw the ball, and then he'd have to walk and go get the ball that he just threw.

Derek Jeter is unqualified to run a baseball team

What has Jeter done ever to run a team as a success? What has he done ever, period? What businesses has he ever run? ... Bernie Williams carried him when he was on the Yankees. So what makes him qualified to run this team other than he was a ball player? None. Nothing.

Supporting the Chief Wahoo logo is actually anti-military because it represents stolen valor

Take a good look at Chief Wahoo because Chief Wahoo has one feather in his cap, right? And he's going around by Chief. This is stolen valor... that I word, is stealing valor from proper Chiefs. So if you support Chief Wahoo, then in reality, you're actually anti-military.

Umpires are more likely to be lenient with Trevor Bauer because he supports Donald Trump

I think he would be more likely to be a successful pitcher as a Trump supporter because I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most umpires are probably Trump supporters. Blue Lives Matter. That's what they call umpires... I feel like Country Joe [West] might be pulling the lever for Trump... umpires would be more likely to be lenient with a Trump-supporting pitcher.

StatCast is a complete hoax and is likely just one guy making up numbers

StatCast is the fakest, fraudest thing ever... Every fucking time, it's just like a ball's hit hard. Oh, it was 119 exit velocity with an angle of 47... It's literally a guy—sitting somewhere probably in like Arizona it's Nate Silver... he's just watching games he's like okay that looked like a hard hit ball 108 miles an hour.

Major League Baseball should arm umpires with tasers to defend themselves against players.

What if we just gave tasers to umps? Oh my god. Yes, let's arm umpires. Yes. I'm 100% on board with arming umpires. ... We need to start arming them so they can defend themselves.

Cody Bellinger is definitely on steroids

Cody Bellinger, Los Angeles Dodgers phenom. He just hit his 21st home run of the season... I think if he stays on this pace, he's going to hit like 58 home runs or something, huh? ... That's kind of what Cody's doing with steroids. Because you're not allowed to use them at all. They test you all the time.

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex to fix his baseball issues

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex. It's gotten to that point, Tim. That's too much aggression. I mean, a bat going into the first five rows, that happens. A bat going into the second deck. That's a guy who needs to have some sex. Just come once.

Modern starting pitchers are soft for only throwing 180 innings

Today it's going to be harder [for pitchers to get in the Hall] because they're doing less. You've got starters who go out and have a full season and have 180 innings. I mean, that's the equivalent of having a vagina... As a starter, your job is innings.

Tim Tebow's lifetime of competition will help him hit a curveball

He was actually competing before he was even born because he was supposed to be aborted... He beat an abortion doctor. Yes. He's been winning for so long... And again, that will help him hit a curveball.

Kyle Schwarber used steroids to recover from his ACL injury in six months

Kyle Schwarber... Been doing a little literature research... I was reading an interview with a doctor from April. He said there's very, very, very, very little chance he comes back. He would need a superhuman recovery to make it back for the World Series... Literature research says Kyle Schwarber's on steroids.