Takes

The Bears will win outright against the Texans in Week 1

Bears are going to win outright. Just a heads up, everyone.

The Packers will beat the Ravens in the 2016 Super Bowl

I got Packers over Panthers in the NFC... Ravens over Patriots in AFC. It is the return of the Ravens in 2016. I got Ravens Packers in the Super Bowl with the Packers winning.

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl

Joe Flacco is going to get himself back into the elite conversation by making it to the Super Bowl. But when he doesn't win, that would actually — I would demand a raise here at Barstool if Joe Flacco made it. That would give me so much content.

The Saints are my 2016 dark horse team because their defense can't get any worse

How about the Saints? ... Their defense can't be any worse than it's been. And, you know, Dennis Allen is now in charge of it. They got rid of Rob Ryan... I think the Saints would be a team that could surprise some people this year.

Roger Goodell should suspend himself for two games following the Mike Pereira door-pushing revelation

Roger Goodell was protecting the shield before protecting the shield was cool. Here's what Roger Goodell should do. So it doesn't look good, right? ... Roger Goodell should suspend himself... for two games... And then he'll hear the appeal... reduce it to one game and boom, I think the problem solved.

Chip Kelly is on the Ice Throne because he intentionally stocks his roster with bad players to buy more time

I think Chip Kelly's on the ice throne, too... Because he's got blame gap. One thing that Chip Kelly is really great at is stockpiling his rosters with the shittiest quarterbacks... He's stocking his roster up with bad, bad players. And then he can be like, well, I didn't have the personnel this year. I'm still implementing my system.

Tim Tebow has been on a fatal dose of Adderall for the last 10 years

I think Tim Tebow has just been on almost a fatal dose of Adderall for the last 10 years. He is so obsessed with these really strange goals that he has and keeps changing jobs and doing weird stuff. This is the action of a man that is just tweaking out of his mind nonstop. 'You know what? I'm going to be a baseball player.'

The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North because Teddy Bridgewater got hurt

I got the Chicago Bears [to win the NFC North]... Teddy Bridgewater got hurt. So, the only team I was worried about was the Vikings and now they're out of the way.

The Arizona Cardinals will win the NFC West

NFC picks out west. I've got the Cardinals. I like Bruce Arians. I feel like everyone's played with Bruce Arians at some point.

Chad Kelly should legally change his name to Swag Kelly

Legally change your name to Swag. No way that will ever backfire when you're out of the NFL selling car insurance in bumfuck Mississippi. You will be Swag Kelly for life and you're good.

The Vikings will make the playoffs with Sam Bradford

I think the Vikings are going to probably go to the playoffs now. [PFT: I think you're insane.] I think that their defense is good enough, and I think more than anything, it's a mental thing. You have to show your team that you're not going to just punt on the year.

A player who suffers a gruesome career-ending injury should have the option to be euthanized on the field

If it's an old fullback, let's say he's like 37, 38 years old, got a lot of miles on the legs. He's about to retire and he lives and breathes for football, breaks his leg gruesomely. I think a player like that would almost rather be euthanized on the field than have to live out the rest of the life.

If Chip Kelly cuts Colin Kaepernick, he will be called a racist for the first time

And now if Chip Kelly cuts [Kaepernick], then for the first time is going to be called a racist. And that's not a look that Chip Kelly wants.

I will play a maximum of three more years of football

The end's in sight, but we'll see. Maximum would be three years. Minimum would be [one].

Dak Prescott is a speedster who will redefine the quarterback position

I've done a little scouting on Dak Prescott... Athletic, mobile. He's going to redefine the quarterback position. He's a speedster. I don't know if we've ever seen an athlete like Dak Prescott back there. He's instinctive. He's not a thinker.

Joey Bosa likely has a gambling problem because he is demanding his signing bonus money immediately

Just knee jerk here. Gambler to gambler. Sounds like Joey Bosa has a gambling problem. Like I need that money now, man. I need it right now. Like that's he thinks that he's being, you know, sly here. But as a gambler, I can see what he's doing. He's clearly got some big debts he needs to pay.

The Seahawks are easily the best team in the NFC for the 2016 season

Well, they're easily the best team in the NFC. Not a problem.

The Seahawks offense will not suffer any drop-off without Marshawn Lynch

I put my money on Russell Wilson, and I don't think that there's any lapse in terms of their offense by having Marshawn Lynch out of it.

I'm staying away from Derek Carr because his brother David was so bad

I actually stay away from Derek Carr because I remember David Carr and how bad he was. I'm like, I'm not touching that guy.

Tom Brady's absence from practice might be linked to a heist or Roger Goodell's death threats

Tom Brady cut his thumb and missed the second preseason game... he then missed practice on Sunday and Monday... Roger Goodell just said that he received some death threats... Did Tom Brady take part in a heist? Something happened.

Tom Brady is injury-prone because he spent 12 years on the injury report

Is Tom Brady injury-prone? That's what it sounds like to me. It sounds like he's a China doll. Yeah, been on the injury report more than any other player. Got bit by the injury bug.

Bruce Arians should win a Super Bowl in Arizona and then return to Pittsburgh to win another with Ben Roethlisberger

I want him [Bruce Arians] to win a Super Bowl. I want him to win three. Actually, I want him to win one with Arizona and then go back to Pittsburgh and win one there with Big Ben.

The Jaguars have a better chance of making the playoffs than the Bears or Bills

[Big Cat]: Which of those three [Bears, Bills, Jaguars] do you think have the best chance of going to the playoffs? [Blake Bortles]: I would have to say us.

The Jaguars will have a better season in 2016 than they did in 2015

You guys [the Jaguars] are going to have a better year than last year. That's just my take.

Colin Kaepernick's dead arm is a blessing in disguise because it will make him a 'touch' passer

Dead arm was the best thing that could have happened to Colin Kaepernick. Now he's a touch guy. Great. Now he's Chad Pennington. It's like a reverse rookie of the year happens. Yes, yes. And he needs to cash in on it.

Usain Bolt could play in the NFL as a Mike Wallace-type deep threat

I'm just saying we have to have the conversation of whether or not Usain Bolt could play in the NFL... I want to know if Usain Bolt, if you put him in pads, put him in a helmet – Can he take a hit? He wouldn't go across the middle. I already know that about him. He would be like a Mike Wallace type on the outside.

The Hall of Fame game cancellation was a conspiracy to force viewers to watch the Olympics.

The Olympics, tonight was supposed to be their big night. They needed the ratings... NBC, their president is a guy named Steve Burke. Steve Burke just happens to be a former Disney executive. Maybe he called in a favor... [the painter] is probably the easiest person in the world to pay off.

I unequivocally believe in Teddy Bridgewater as a franchise quarterback.

I do [believe in Teddy Bridgewater]. Yes, unequivocally... his arm strength is a problem, but it's the same problem that Rivers has had and Rivers is a perfectly fine quarterback... I know he has the arm strength of a dragonfly, but I like him.

The Vikings will win the NFC North this season.

I have the Vikings winning the division, which means they're all going to die in a bus crash or something like that. Something awful will happen. But I really like the team.

Trent Richardson being cut by the Ravens means he can get into the Hall of Fame by 2021

Great news for Richardson. Now the clock can start on his five-year eligibility until he can get into the Hall of Fame. So he can get it in 2021 instead of 2022.

The 2016 Jacksonville Jaguars are going to 'put on a show'

I think we're going to have to bring back the greatest show on turf because this year [the Jaguars] are about to put on a show, a straight-up show.

Bears rookie Daniel Braverman is a deep sleeper fantasy target

Benny Fowler, Daniel Braverman. By the way, he's going to be our new favorite. He's a Bear. And his name is literally he's braver than every other man. [Braverman] and Devontae Adams. All have been catching everything at camp. Catching everything.

Hugh Jackson is a quarterback guru who will get RG3's career back on track

This is how RG3 he's with Hugh Jackson now Jackson's going to get him on the right track he's a guru he's a quarterback guru

The NFL conspiracy to take down Tom Brady is a proven fact

Do you think that they unfairly accused [Brady] of something and it's a conspiracy just to sit down the face of the NFL? ... Yes, that's actually a proven fact. ... Yeah, they just don't like the Patriots. Too much winning.

Warren Sapp staged his shark attack to get back into the national media spotlight

Connect the dots. Warren Sapp doesn't have a job right now... Best way to get yourself back in the national media spotlight without saying, 'Hey, I want a job,' get attacked by a shark. ... I'm just saying, do we know what that shark looked like? No... That's for sure a fake shark. Truther Warren Sapp did not get bit by a shark. He rigged this whole thing.

Claiming you got a 'new phone' is a bulletproof excuse for missing an NFL drug test

The more I think about it, the more it's a bulletproof excuse for Le'Veon Bell. ... Isn't it like getting served? If you never get the call, then you don't have to pee. Unless you see the cup in front of your penis, you don't have to pee into it.

The NFL should implement the 'Romney Rule' requiring one white cornerback per team

There was a big report that came out in ESPN saying that professional position coaches are hired at a much lower rate to become a coordinator or a head coach if they're a minority... and I suggest in the spirit of brotherhood that we develop a Romney rule where if the president of the United States is black and therefore racism doesn't exist at the time, we can do the Rooney rule, but there should also be a rule that says every team should have one defensive back... cornerbacks specifically because there are a lot of Eric Weddle types running around out there.

The NFL preseason should be 10 weeks long and start in July

I think preseason should start in July. Give us something more to talk about. We should have 10 weeks of NFL preseason.

Brett Favre's durability was due to an 'inconclusive' John Thomas sign

If you think back to some of the great quarterbacks, Brett Favre was probably—his John Thomas sign was probably always inconclusive, right? Because he had such little win. That's why he never missed a game because the doctors, they couldn't pinpoint any of his injuries because he didn't have any shadows pointing anywhere.

NFL teams will view Johnny Manziel as a nerd for playing Pokemon Go

Manziel was at a club. ... But he was playing Pokemon inside a club. And this is a pretty bad look for Johnny. ... well now NFL teams are going to be like, we don't want to hire him. He's a nerd.

Johnny Manziel should drink more beer to fix his image and show he's a leader

My PR 101 to Johnny is, like, toughen up your image a little bit. Be a little bit of a bad boy. Have a couple beers. No big deal. Just kind of, like, let people know you're a regular dude.

Johnny Manziel should claim he has diarrhea to fix his reputation

The PR coming out of this is he just says when he comes back that he's got massive diarrhea from Mexico... if you just say explicitly like I've got diarrhea to your boss, your boss is going to be like, yeah, okay, don't go down that road with me. Johnny comes back... and he tells everybody, hey, guys. Sorry. The Montezuma's revenge.

When playing in Cleveland, you should throw to the side of the field farthest from the lake to avoid lake-effect snow

One thing that jumped off the page at me was the part about lake effect snow... as something that you can take away and practice from this, when you play up in Cleveland, throw the football to the side of the field that's farthest away from the lake to avoid the snow as much as possible.

Teams playing in Seattle should use snow machines to drown out the crowd noise

I also learned that snow is a sound absorber. So like if you ever have a game up in Seattle, I don't know if you can like rent a snow machine, but to kind of drown out the crowd noise a little bit, maybe you could just like drop a bunch of snow on them.

Johnny Manziel should retire from football and play baseball to pull a 'Michael Jordan'

Retire from football, play baseball, come back to football, win three Super Bowls, call it the Michael Jordan.

My dad was convinced Barry Sanders was coming out of retirement every year until 2008

My dad was convinced I would say up until about 2007 or 8 that Barry Sanders was coming back. He had himself convinced every summer right around camp season... He'd be like, someone's going to take Barry Sanders. Someone's going to pick him up. You just watch.

Carson Wentz's gas station bathroom story is a fake alibi for doing something else

I don't think this actually happened... I think that Carson was doing something that he wasn't supposed to be doing. And he was setting up an alibi for himself... anytime somebody starts throwing in these unnecessary details about a weird event that happened, it's because they're trying too hard to corroborate their story.

I officially hate the New Orleans Saints and will root against them on broadcasts

Joe Buck now hates the Saints... I think we should go on record and at least have one that I actually can't stand. And I'm just over the top rooting against. And whoever they're playing that week, I will refer to as we.

Peyton Hillis had a more successful pro career than anyone else on that Arkansas team, including Darren McFadden

People forget that the most successful pro career of anybody on that Arkansas team was Peyton Hillis. Madden cover boy.

Cam Newton's next celebration should involve converting to Islam and refusing to stand for the anthem

Cam X, Cameron X, converted to Islam, doesn't stand for the national anthem. His touchdown dances to pray, and then he hands the ball to a black kid. I mean, there we go.