Takes

US Women's Hockey beating Canada is more meaningful because hockey is all they have

It just feels good to beat Canada because you know in hockey, that's all they have. It bothers them a lot. And Canadians can't get bothered... We know you're bothered. We know you're triggered right now.

The NHL is a money laundering operation for Russia

If you were to run the NHL as a money laundering operation, you would not do anything differently than Gary Bettman has done in the last 10 years... I'm guessing it's some sort of a money laundering scheme from Russia. That's the only thing I can come up with.

The Olympic hockey committee ruining the games by banning NHL players is a joke

It's a joke. You can't. The NHL asked if they could at least show the videos from the Olympics, which you can't do. They wanted the NHL logos on the board. They wouldn't do that. So at some point it's both sides, but it does suck for the game.

The Phoenix Coyotes 90s jersey is the worst of all time

And then my four is probably the worst jersey of all time, the Phoenix Coyotes. You remember that one? That was awful. That was the most disgusting jersey I've ever seen in my life.

Yellow jerseys are disgusting and make for a bad viewing experience

My number two is the Nashville Predators. I just hate yellow. I hate when they're playing games and their whole arena is yellow. It just looks disgusting.

The Vegas Golden Knights jerseys suck

Those jerseys suck. Bad sleeves. Suck. It's like they tried to get as many colors as they could fit on a sleeve... A fictional 2004 franchise in Madden has better jerseys than a 2017 real-life franchise. It's really bad.

Wayne Gretzky is the best player ever, but Sidney Crosby is the best I've ever seen

Wayne is the best player ever. But, I mean, I think – I mean, obviously, Sid, in my eyes, just because I'm – I mean, I've seen him play, and I see him every day. I think, honestly, he's the best player that I've ever seen and been able to play with.

The U.S. government should use being a hockey fan as an interrogation technique for terrorists

The United States government should make one of their new enhanced interrogation techniques for terrorists. Just make the terrorists become a hockey fan. Watch three overtimes. And then have to watch playoff games until their team loses in the Stanley Cup Finals.

The Stanley Cup is the best trophy in all of sports

The Stanley Cup itself is the best trophy in all of sports. I think we can all agree on that.

Hockey is the only sport that truly has karma

Hockey is the only sport that I think truly has karma. That's a fact. Yeah, I can go with that one.

The Matt Niskanen hit on Sidney Crosby was reactionary, not intentional

I think it was more of a reactionary thing from Niskanen, and Sid was kind of falling down as his stick got up... I just don't think that he's intentionally at all trying to get him in the face or the neck or the head.

Losing by four goals in the playoffs is better than losing in a heartbreaker

I would rather we lose the game by four goals than lose the game in a heartbreak or an overtime. That's demoralizing. Because now it's like you're a little bit embarrassed. You've got that chip on your shoulder in game three.

I hate the hockey handshake line because people talk about it too much

The handshake line is one of those things that I didn't want to hate, but people talk about it so much that I have to hate it.

Overtime hockey is the worst experience in sports when your team is playing

You know what else is bad is overtime hockey when your team is in it. If another person's team is in it, it's great... But when it's your team, you just want to eat a gun.

Betting over/unders in NHL playoffs is the biggest rush in gambling due to empty netters

My favorite part about the NHL playoffs is betting the over-unders. There's no bigger rush in gambling than the last minute empty netters.

Hockey playoffs in Canada are higher stakes because they have nothing else

Hockey playoffs in Canada, that crowd, I mean, it's basically like live or die because they don't have anything else. Usually die, though. It's Drake and the Raptors losing in the first round. That's the only two things that Toronto has.

The Pittsburgh Penguins are the Seattle Seahawks of the NHL

I'd say probably [the] Seattle Seahawks where they're in it every year. ... Pittsburgh, Seattle, every year they're competitive. They've won it recently.

The Minnesota Wild and Vikings share a history of disappointing Scandinavian fans

The Vikings in the Wild, they both consistently disappoint a shitload of pale Scandinavian people. That's the history of the franchise.

The Soviet Union would have won the Cold War if they had beaten the US in the 1980 'Miracle on Ice' hockey game

I have two. One is a historical one with the Russians, which they had to do over in 1980. They would have won the Cold War if they won that hockey game. People forget that that was not the gold medal game, though. That was the semifinals.

It is dumb that the Montreal Canadiens will only hire coaches who speak French

Part of it goes into this foolish, I don't even know what to call it, that the Canadiens will only hire—you have to speak French to coach the Canadiens, which is so dumb. If you're going to win a Stanley Cup, I don't know why you have to—it doesn't matter what you speak.

Henrik Lundqvist has flawless, dreamy hair

Mostly his hair... When [Lundqvist] is playing, he kind of either goes with the cap on or the cap off, and when the cap's off, it's... It's dreamy. Yeah, it's flawless.

You have to be a little crazy to be a professional goalie

All goalies are a little bit off. You've got to be a little bit off to do that for a living.

LeBron James would be the best hockey player ever but would never play due to minor injuries

LeBron would be the best hockey player of all time... [but] he wouldn't play in one because in the preseason he'd probably get like an elbow bruise. Like, you know when you, like, hurt your bursitis in your elbow?

The US should invade Canada for their hockey players

Just invade Canada already... I'm sick of America being nice. Where's that gotten us? We haven't won a Hockey World Cup ever... Just do it just for the sports. Or just be a really bad neighbor... Let's shade all of Canada and then we own it.

Losing a Stanley Cup Final is even worse than blowing a 3-0 series lead

At that point [blowing a 3-0 lead against the Kings] I said it's way worse to blow the lead but... you go all that way, and you think you're going to win it, and then it just comes crashing down... it definitely fucking sucks.

The NHL should remove the penalty for shooting the puck out of play

If you could change one rule in hockey, what would you change? Um, the, the shoot the puck out of play penalty. I hate it. I, I don't know why it's a penalty, honestly, because you're not shooting the puck into the stands on purpose. That's one thing that needs to change.

Every person on the ice for the Stanley Cup celebration should be required to wear skates

I don't like the fact that they roll out a carpet onto the ice. I feel like if you're going to be celebrating something on the ice, it needs to be done by only people wearing ice skates. So like the guys in the tuxes, the girl that comes out to sing the national anthem, they all need to be wearing ice skates. Like respect the sport a little bit.

Hockey is better than basketball because the games are more competitive

The NBA was blowouts everywhere, okay? Most of [the hockey] scores are either one goals or two goals. That's not a blowout. Hockey's better than basketball.

The 2016 Pittsburgh Penguins are the softest and worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup

Congrats to Pittsburgh, right? They are probably the softest team to ever win a Stanley Cup... I think that this Pittsburgh Penguin team is probably the worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup. And we don't even know if they won it. That's how bad they are, that we have no confidence that they're going to win.

NHL superstars like Sidney Crosby get better treatment from refs and can bully linesmen into letting them cheat on face-offs

Typically superstars do get a better treatment just because they can bully linesmen a lot more than say no namers... Whereas if Joe Thornton's like, 'Hey, drop the fucking puck when I want it,' he'll be like... 'Hey Michael [Jordan], I didn't see it, but I'm going to call it now.' It's very similar to that.

I would beat Conor McGregor in a fight if we were both wearing hockey skates

If it was you and Conor McGregor fighting... but you're both wearing hockey skates, who wins? Well man, he's got pretty good balance. I would put my money on myself just because I'm a lot bigger than him.

It is easier for the US to win an Olympic gold medal than for a Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup

I would probably say it's easier to win an Olympic gold medal in hockey than it would be to win a Stanley Cup just based on how hard it is... if you have a good two weeks at the Olympics and all your lines are clicking, you get a gold. So I would say U.S. winning gold.

Joe Thornton is wrong for playing with his kids instead of watching his potential Stanley Cup opponents

Joe Thornton, when the Sharks won the Western Conference Finals... said that he was going to play with his kids during the Game 7 Penguins-Lightnings. Not watch who he was going to play in the Stanley Cup Finals. Mike Milbury was not happy... how you win a Stanley Cup is being always focused and making sure you tune in to your opponent even when you're not playing them.

The Capitals would be better if they had a 'junkie mom' coach like Bruce Boudreau

They never should have gotten rid of Bruce Boudreau... because he's a really shitty coach. ... The best analogy I can give is like if you have a mom who's a junkie. A lot of times the eldest siblings will step up their leadership roles. ... If you have a guy who's a huge putz, then everybody else on the team, all of a sudden they have to mature really fast. They raise their brothers and sisters because mom's hooked on dope in the kitchen.

NHL teams should exploit a loophole by signing injury-prone players to get opponents' stars suspended through ticky-tack hits

There's like a loophole that could be exploited here to sign a bunch of like Eric Lindros's kids, or maybe even Lindros himself, someone who has that weakness in their game, who gets concussed really easily, and then just wipe out all of your opponent's best players through really small ticky-tack hits that end up knocking you out.

The NHL handshake line is the worst display of sportsmanship because it is mandatory

If anything, the hockey line is the worst handshake line because one, it's mandatory. So there's no like actual thought behind it. They just have to line up and do it. And two, they just go and they high five and say good game. The Heat and Hornets game today, guys are like hugging and talking and catching up.

I would rather get punched in the face than get face-washed by a guy with a sweaty hockey glove

The face wash is probably, I would rather get punched in the face than get face-washed by a guy with a sweaty glove.

Setting the tone is the most important part of being successful in the hockey playoffs

Setting the tone is so important in hockey playoffs. That's what everyone said. You have to set the tone. It's a very big part of being successful in hockey is setting the tone.

The hip is the dividing line between an upper and lower body injury in hockey

I would think it would be hip, wouldn't you all? I mean somewhere below the hip since all the hip checking and the broken legs... That [the hip] would be lower.

Hockey would be much more popular if goals were worth eight points like football

The greatest trick that football ever played is making their scores worth six points... If hockey changed to eight-point goals, this guy would be in. Okay, so if we ever develop a sport – Trick number one is make the single goals or points worth like eight times. Make everything worth like eight points. And then you've got yourself a sport.

There is nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs

And there's nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs. It's awful. You know what else is bad is overtime hockey when your team is in it. If another person's team is in it, it's great... But when it's your team, you just want to eat a gun.

Home ice advantage does not exist in the NHL playoffs

You know what I don't like about playoff hockey is that there's basically no home ice advantage. It doesn't exist. The ice is the same everywhere you go.