Takes

Birds stand facing into the wind because they like 'adversity'

Did you know that? You can tell which way the wind is blowing by how birds are standing. Birds always stand facing into the wind. Oh, they like the adversity. They don't wanna get blown away too. Because if they, if the wind kind of gusts, then they just take off and fly away.

Pre-boarding an airplane early by ignoring your assigned group is a legitimate 'hack in the system'

It's pretty easy. I have no problem with it. They never say anything. It's a hack in the system. I slip in... by myself. I have no problem with it. They never say anything.

I shouldn't have been draftable if I were playing basketball because power forwards make more money

I'd be seeing these, seeing these contracts come out. I'd be like, 'Whoa man, like, I think I'm in the wrong sport.'... [If my son plays], we might go be hooping or something.

I cannot run a 5K in under 33 minutes

I'm not gonna be able to run under 33 minutes. I'm not gonna be able to do that and I can't do that. Physically... I'm going to end up, I'm gonna get an injury.

Having kids is a massive money pit

I want to say that I don't see this as a waste, but it is a waste. Having kids is just... it's a money pit. ... If you buy a kid a toy, they play with it for about five minutes. Then they're like, I'm gonna play with your fucking shoes or something that could kill me. ... You should actually just adopt your kids when they're 17 years old. You spend way less money on them.

There is a 0% chance they successfully fly an orca in a cargo plane

I can't, there's, I I just, I know you guys are just fucking with me, but [there's] no way. 0%. 0% [chance this happens].

Polar bears are 'huge pussies' compared to grizzly bears

Polar bears are huge pussies. They actually, every time they meet grizzly bears in the wild, they like run away. 'cause grizzly bears are about that action. They scrap harder than polar bears. It's because their population densities are higher. So they see other grizzly bears and fight them more.

Dirt bikes are the only effective way to escape Los Angeles when society collapses

If something goes sideways in LA and there's riots in the streets... you only have the freeways out and those can lock down quickly. So how do you get out? Well, dirt bikes. Dirt bikes is the answer.

I pee in 100% of the pools I have ever been in

I piss in every pool I've ever been in. Yep. A hundred percent. Yep. All the time. ... Every pool I've ever been in, in my entire life. Every pool I've pissed in.

Hank will likely catch a stray and be put in a dangerous situation before the D&D session ends.

I think somebody pro, if I, if I were to guess, because there's always gonna be a little bit of blood lust about somebody wanted to kill Hank very much... I think Hank might have caught a stray. Maybe we put Hank in a dangerous situation after I left.

If you see me on the street, I will almost certainly have a D20 on my person to roll for you.

If you come up to me on the street, I will roll a D 20 because I will probably have one on my person. Almost definitely.

The party can always turn on Hank if the mission goes south.

Okay, well, if shit goes south, we can always turn on Hank. As long as it's not me.

A Warlock is nothing without their spells.

You need your spells. [Hank] is nothing If you don't have spells.

North Carolina is the rightful home of the Wright brothers over Ohio because they actually performed the first flight at Kitty Hawk

For the record, I'm on the side of North Carolina. This is like they did the flight at Kitty Hawk... Ohio's gotta get to the back of the line. It's basically like, oh, their parents had sex in Ohio. They try to count that as a dub.

I would never fight a Penn State wrestler because those guys are absolute freaks

I wouldn't fight any of the Penn State wrestlers... there are some freaks. Yeah. They are like Bo Nickal and I'm good. Yeah, he's dude, he's insane.

The passengers on the missing Titanic submarine are likely already dead

They're dead. This is one of those situations that it's captivated the internet because they keep being like, they have 50 hours of oxygen... they died. It's probably better that they died almost instantly. I would imagine they did. You don't, something bad happened and the sub broke and they died.

The losing team of Mount Rushmore season must do a 24-hour solitary confinement stream in a white padded room

The punishment that I am offering up for Mount Rushmore season is the losing team has to do a 24-hour stream in a white padded room. Solitary confinement. Obviously you're not solitary because you're with someone else. 24 hours. Nothing else in the room.

I've officially quit vaping cold turkey to stop people from talking about it

The idea of... that being something that people are talking about after a playoff game is annoying enough to provoke me to never do it again. And I've since quit classic McDaniel style cold turkey, just like alcohol. But I, you know, as far as a game, I... I don't totally know what you guys are talking about.

I am going to start taking Ozempic to lose weight.

I'm just gonna go on Ozempic. I don't fucking care. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna tell everyone to do it and then I'm gonna look hot and then I'll get off of it and then I'll gain it all back. Drop like 25 pounds and then just slowly gain it back.

Shallow pools are slower because waves bounce off the bottom and slow down the swimmer

If you have a shallow pool, it's not gonna be as fast because if you make waves and they bounce back up off the bottom of the pool at you, that just can slow you down. So you want it to be at least six to eight feet deep.

I drink mushroom coffee with MCT oil before games for a mental advantage

About 90 minutes before game I tip off, I go mushroom coffee with a little MCT brain octane into the coffee, just to get that extra advantage over whoever I'm coaching against. And then during the game I'll go in a bulletproof mentalist blend with that Bye drink.

Using shampoo on your armpits doesn't work to make them smell good like it does for the hair on your head.

When you wash your hair, it smells nice. When you wash your armpit hair, the smell does not stick. It doesn't do anything... If you use shampoo in your hair, you'll be able to smell the shampoo in your hair later in the day. Use shampoo in your armpits. You will not be able to smell that.

Hank has never correctly guessed the lottery ball and never will

Can you ask him if Hank's ever gotten the lottery ball? Correct. [Mepo]: Never. Never... [Mepo] doesn't even know how he knew that it's just in his body and it came bursting out. Liar, liar style. Just like, no.

The unidentified aerial objects being shot down are just balloons without propulsion systems, not extraterrestrials

It's not UFOs. They're not UFOs... balloons don't have propulsion systems. Right. You would be aware of this, right? PFT? ... When everyone's going nuts on Twitter because they saw they have to report the object, so they're like, we don't know if this thing has a propulsion system. So that made it sound like it was something extraterrestrial. But really just balloons don't have propulsion systems.

Punxsutawney Phil is a fraud and a 'wannabe Greta Thunberg'

My big fire fest is really for America... because you guys are letting a groundhog ruin your day today. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow... be a fucking man... I'm going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me the sky is falling.

I am having a third child and I purposefully conceived to ensure it wouldn't be born during football season

I'm having another child, so congrats. Father three loading... early June... Are you purposely conceiving for the off-season? I mean, yeah... it's nice not having children during football season. I am a football guy.

The US Bowling Congress not inviting me to the US Open is an insult

A five-time Open champion... PBA/USBC Hall of Famer... and I don't get an invite? I think that's just an insult. That to me is a double insult. That I have to ask for an exemption into a tournament that I've won five times.

A future Super Bowl punishment should be that someone has to hit a hole-in-one.

Next year I think we're gonna do, you gotta hit a hole in one. That would be so funny. If we just had a course in like a, a nice little [area]... it would take forever.

I will cut my hair short by the summer if it doesn't improve

I'm dealing with my hair issue... noticeably thinning out back there. I've made the executive decision if it doesn't improve by the summer, we're taking it off. We're going short... I got my own blood injected into my head earlier today... if I haven't turned it around by then, gotta come home.

Surviving COVID-19 three times makes my body a dynasty against the virus

I'm a back-to-back two-time Covid survivor. I'm about to make it a dynasty. This would be my third covid survival in two years, which I believe puts my body in a dynasty against the Coronavirus.

Short people are crucial for conserving food and resources on our dying planet

Being short is better for the future... Not only do shorter people tend to live longer, but they're also crucial in conserving food and resources on her dying planet. The short are also inherent conservationists, which is more crucial than ever in this world of 8 billion. So basically if we were 10% shorter, we would save 87 millions of tons of food per year.

Corn is botanically a fruit

Corn is a fruit. If you look it up, corn is a fruit. It has fruit qualities... the kernels of corn are fruit.

I will take Liver King back if he admits he used steroids and was just trying to recover from injury

If he just says like, yeah, guys, I'm 50 years old... I needed this stuff to like, you know, come back. Like if he basically does the, I was injured and I wanted to get back with the team real fast. Like, if he does that, I'll take him back. I'll be like, what? Fuck it, dude. Like at least you're honest now.

Buffalo are the only animals that walk into snowstorms rather than away from them

Buffalo [is] the only animal that goes towards snow storms. It'll [walk] towards the storm while other animals go away from it. That's got a rock. I like that's like pretty [hardcore].

The 2022 picks punishment should be the loser has to complete a half marathon with no training

I might retract my veto on the marathon because it's not as bad as some of the other ones. Right? And I think it would be pretty funny to have to go to the Super Bowl and run a marathon with no training... [I am] now bowling kind of endorsing it.

Mules are better workers than horses or donkeys

Mules are sterile and they're actually better workers than horses or donkeys. They're way better than horses. [How do they get born?] It takes one horse and one donkey. There's also zorses, that's a horse and a zebra.

Boxers and porn stars never actually retire

Boxers in porn stars never really retire. They always say they do. They're always ready for one more. It just always, you know what I mean? You'll see. You just be like, no, no, if you're there's one more you just age into becoming a MILF.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

Neutrogena has discontinued the face wash I have used my entire life

I'm pretty sure the face wash I've been using my whole life has been discontinued... probably like middle school. And I've gone to like five or six CVSs... Neutrogena website, sorry for the inconvenience we're sold out. On Amazon it's going for $70. I've transferred to Cetaphil.

Wolverines are more closely related to seals and sea lions than they are to wolves

Wolverines are related to seals and sea lions closer than actual wolves.

There are zero rats in the province of Alberta

Two million rats in New York city and absolutely zero in Alberta. [They] could never make the department up there.

Otters are necrophiliacs and serial killers

Otters are necrophiliacs. They're fucked up. They fuck dead otters. Otters are like serial killers. No, they're not cool at all.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

Men digest food 14 hours faster than women because men 'just get shit done'

A Mayo clinic study showed that the digestion process moves faster in men. It takes 33 hours mouth to butt in men and 47 hours for women... men are digesting 14 hours faster than women. And we just get shit done.

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

Lost Mines of Phandelver is the quintessential D&D adventure that almost everyone who has played the game has experienced

The adventure that I have planned for us today is a classic. It is known as Lost Mines of Phandelver. It is one of the most well-known D&D adventures. ... honestly, it's a well-known adventure. It's in the beginner box. So if anybody has played any adventure here, it would be that one.

An evil God is completely satisfied with the party's horrific actions

[Big Cat]: Greg, I'm not the one to tell you that your God is angry with you... what are the thoughts going through Greg's head? [Nick Turani]: My God has never been more proud of me.

PFT is the ultimate winner of the campaign after outlasting everyone

I'd like to just, I'd like to piss all over everybody... Everyone and there are some people making, saving, throws. They may live or die... but they're getting pissed on no matter what. And that is where we would finish up our game for today then.

Nuclear-powered 'air cruises' are fake and would definitely crash

It's a plane cruise. Yeah. It's like a massive, massive, massive, bigger than whatever name like four aircraft carriers... 20 electric engines powered by nuclear fusion. I'm just going to say this. If this is real, I will absolutely laugh when it crashes and everyone dies. There's no way to test fly this until you actually make the real thing.

Billy Football has taken his position for granted and needed a suspension

I think Billy is very entertaining... The problem that I see going forward right now is that Billy has taken advantage of this show... and it reached a tipping point... because he didn't come to work. He was drunk and he didn't come to work... he is a weird combination of him kind of being entitled and kind of taking for granted the spot he's sitting in.