Takes

I will cut my hair short by the summer if it doesn't improve

I'm dealing with my hair issue... noticeably thinning out back there. I've made the executive decision if it doesn't improve by the summer, we're taking it off. We're going short... I got my own blood injected into my head earlier today... if I haven't turned it around by then, gotta come home.

Short people are crucial for conserving food and resources on our dying planet

Being short is better for the future... Not only do shorter people tend to live longer, but they're also crucial in conserving food and resources on her dying planet. The short are also inherent conservationists, which is more crucial than ever in this world of 8 billion. So basically if we were 10% shorter, we would save 87 millions of tons of food per year.

Corn is botanically a fruit

Corn is a fruit. If you look it up, corn is a fruit. It has fruit qualities... the kernels of corn are fruit.

Don't ever bet parlays or exotics; stick to single bets

I read a book in the nineties called The Right Horse. It basically said exotics. parlays for example. You should never bet them cuz they're so enticing. And it's humans. We wanna bet a parlay even like a two game, partly... basically the book, I mean, I'll sum it all up for you, says don't do it. Bet one bet.

I will take Liver King back if he admits he used steroids and was just trying to recover from injury

If he just says like, yeah, guys, I'm 50 years old... I needed this stuff to like, you know, come back. Like if he basically does the, I was injured and I wanted to get back with the team real fast. Like, if he does that, I'll take him back. I'll be like, what? Fuck it, dude. Like at least you're honest now.

European food is healthier than American food because it is less processed

But because it's non-processed yeah. Is that what's going on? Cuz they're they don't the cigarette thing over there is out of control... I think it's less processed food. I think whenever it, I was, I was teeing you up there. I think the research would tell you is just the service is not what it is here.

Boxers and porn stars never actually retire

Boxers in porn stars never really retire. They always say they do. They're always ready for one more. It just always, you know what I mean? You'll see. You just be like, no, no, if you're there's one more you just age into becoming a MILF.

Not pulling out is a bad idea

Not pulling out. He's saying not pulling out when you were supposed to pull out. [Big Cat: You're against cream pies?] Billy Football, anti-cream pie.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

Neutrogena has discontinued the face wash I have used my entire life

I'm pretty sure the face wash I've been using my whole life has been discontinued... probably like middle school. And I've gone to like five or six CVSs... Neutrogena website, sorry for the inconvenience we're sold out. On Amazon it's going for $70. I've transferred to Cetaphil.

Wolverines are more closely related to seals and sea lions than they are to wolves

Wolverines are related to seals and sea lions closer than actual wolves.

Squids have the largest eyeballs in the animal kingdom

Squids had the largest eyeball in the animal kingdom. Bigger than elephants. Oh yeah. I guess that would make sense. Right? There's just giant squid. ... Colossal squid. He's right. Damnit he's right.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

An evil God is completely satisfied with the party's horrific actions

[Big Cat]: Greg, I'm not the one to tell you that your God is angry with you... what are the thoughts going through Greg's head? [Nick Turani]: My God has never been more proud of me.

PFT is the ultimate winner of the campaign after outlasting everyone

I'd like to just, I'd like to piss all over everybody... Everyone and there are some people making, saving, throws. They may live or die... but they're getting pissed on no matter what. And that is where we would finish up our game for today then.

Nuclear-powered 'air cruises' are fake and would definitely crash

It's a plane cruise. Yeah. It's like a massive, massive, massive, bigger than whatever name like four aircraft carriers... 20 electric engines powered by nuclear fusion. I'm just going to say this. If this is real, I will absolutely laugh when it crashes and everyone dies. There's no way to test fly this until you actually make the real thing.

Billy Football has taken his position for granted and needed a suspension

I think Billy is very entertaining... The problem that I see going forward right now is that Billy has taken advantage of this show... and it reached a tipping point... because he didn't come to work. He was drunk and he didn't come to work... he is a weird combination of him kind of being entitled and kind of taking for granted the spot he's sitting in.

The Squatty Potty is the medically superior way to defecate because of human evolution

I got it, bro. I got it. Okay. This is not a plug, but a Squatty potty... We sit regular, right? And that messes up our bowel movements. Right? So if he's leaning for a while... it could be coming out the wrong angle, but the Squatty potty lifts your knees to your chest. And the angles is downward. That's how we evolved to actually defecate.

I have harder and tougher hands than Billy Football

I honestly I'll I'll like disavow my own title. I have stronger and tougher hands than [Billy Football]. I don't want the title. I don't want the belt. Admitting I have soft hands... they're soft. But you don't have hard hands. You are not as tough as you think you are.

Unspayed ferrets will die if they do not get pregnant

Unspayed ferrets will die if they don't get pregnant. Die of stress.

Alcohol is a diuretic because it flushes liquid out of your body faster than you can hydrate

Al calls a diuretic. And why it dehydrates you is because it flushes all the liquid in your body, out through your piss. So even though it may seem like it's hydrated... It gets all your liquid out faster.

A lion would beat a jaguar in a fight

I feel like a lion, right? King of the jungle? Yeah. They're way bigger.

Getting in shape requires a consistent lifestyle change rather than a temporary diet

The tips are easy. The application is hard. Make good choices and be consistent. And that's absolutely it. Don't make it a January diet, make it a lifestyle change, make good choices and be consistent.

Planes can basically land themselves now, so clapping for pilots is unnecessary

Even in fog, you'll basically have the plane land itself... I think you should, more or less [clap] back to the plane. I mean, now most of the landings are done by hand, you know, obviously, cause, cause you've got to stay current... you know that if something was really going on, you know, those things are pretty much going to land themselves in fog.

JNCO jeans are officially back in style

My cool throne is JNCOs. Yeah. And JNCOs are also back... there was a, a trend piece in the Wall Street Journal, you know, something's real cool when it's written about in the Wall Street Journal.

The state of Arizona is right to end Daylight Savings Time

I don't care about the daylight savings technicality... why we do it. I'm pretty sure the state of Arizona ended it. ... I just don't understand why farmers need to have us bent over a barrel for them. I'm sick of it. Agreed. It's very depressing.

The PIN to my ATM card has completely vanished from my brain after 15 years

I went to the ATM on Tuesday and went to punch in my pin, four-digit pin. I've had the same pin for probably 15 years. Fellas, it's just not in my brain anymore... There is no pin. I sat there. I typed in five different pins... Mrs. Cat doesn't know the pin? No pin.

Bucking bulls are getting tougher and bred to buck harder

Bulls are getting tougher. It's just like the horse racing industry. They bred faster horses. They're breeding bulls to buck harder. And that's where we're finding a lack in actually getting more bull riders into the sport.

A scientific study proves that squirting is actually just pee

There was a study done on squirting where they hook an MRI machine up to someone's bladder... and the bladder's empty. Wait. So it's piss. It came from the bladder.

I can hold my breath for over 5 minutes

I did his [Wim Hof] technique. One day I was about to fall asleep. I was like, I'm just going to try, I'm going to try holding my breath. I dude, I made it five minutes and six seconds. Yeah. In the scariest part, the scariest part is I, I felt fine.

You will never have a six-pack for next year's Grit Week either

I'm not trying to be a hater, but I don't think you'll have a six-pack for next grit week either. [to Billy Football]

Milk is the official state beverage of Kentucky

Kentucky state beverage is milk... for how much bourbon they store, largest in the world, and the mint juleps they serve at the Kentucky Derby, Kentucky state beverage is milk.

Squirrels can survive falls at terminal velocity

Squirrels can survive terminal velocity. Oh my God. What is that? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Are you kidding me? 69 faxing back 60 nines.

The Nassau Coliseum has the best Wi-Fi of any stadium

The biggest thing I could not figure out... is the fact that we went to the Nassau Coliseum. The venue's a dump. It's a time travel. By far and away the best Wi-Fi I've ever had inside of a stadium. The Wi-Fi was incredible... I was on the Wi-Fi and it was fucking humming. It was better than Barstool's Wi-Fi.

Giving blood is the best way to save money on drinking

But the great thing about giving blood is if you give blood, you get drunk off like half a beer afterwards. So it's actually very economical. I'm just trying to be an ambassador for health.

T-Rexes lived closer in time to humans than they did to Stegosauruses

T-Rex are closer to humans in time than they are to stegosauruses. Whoa. So T-Rexes and humans are 65 million years apart. Stegosauruses and T-Rexes are 85 million years apart.

The entire NFC North could fit inside the landmass of Jacksonville

Did you know the entirety of the NFC North could fit inside Jacksonville? Every other city. Chicago, Detroit [In the landmass of Jacksonville]. And they only add up to, like, half of Jacksonville.

House cats are prima donnas that can be easily defeated by any human.

A house cat means that that cat's drinking milk, that cat's sleeping in beds... that cat is fucking total prima donna... I'll fucking strangle a house cat.

I am the best person in the Barstool office at table tennis

The moment Hank had an opportunity to say I was no longer the best, he would have ran away with it. So I knew if I lost back-to-back... But I knew I'm 12-2 now. I'm the best freaking one here.

Horse racing is in a precarious spot in America and the Medina Spirit scandal is not good for the sport

We're in a precarious spot in horse racing in America. I think it's one of those sports that people are starting to be like, yeah, maybe we don't need to. I love horse racing, so I think that this is not the scandal we need... The haters are going to be like, see, this is a fucked up sport.

This summer will be the 'Summer of Fake Butts'

I have a theory. This is going to be the summer of fake butts. The Roaring Twenties. My theory is that a lot of people got elective cosmetic surgery during this year that the world hit pause. And this summer, you're going to see a lot of fake asses that come out of nowhere.

It is safe to stop wearing masks outside now

My hot seat is anyone who's still wearing masks outside. We're good. CDC said we don't have to do it anymore. Which I don't want to say not to brag, but I called it. But last week, my sunglasses were getting fogged up. And I was like, I think I'm done wearing a mask outside.

Anyone who announces they are retiring from Twitter is an asshole who will eventually return

Here's just a simple rule in life. If you announce that you are retiring from Twitter, you're probably a fucking asshole who will be back on Twitter in due time. That was Chrissy's biggest thing... we pulled you back in you can't fucking leave we got you we got our claws in you you're a fucking loser like us

I genuinely didn't know the T in 'mortgage' was silent

I genuinely thought that's it. I didn't know the T was silent... I missed that once. I've gotten criticism in my broadcasting career. I've gotten destroyed for this... It's my fault. I messed up.

COVID is no joke, even for peak athletes like me.

My Fyre Fest is I have COVID. It pretty much sucks. It's low-key not a great time... a peak athlete like myself, I've had trouble breathing all week. It has not been fun. I've literally just done this show, and after we hang up, I'm like, gasped beyond belief. It is no joke, and you shouldn't take it seriously... i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll fucking say it this thing is no joke

Viruses do not have nuclei

Viruses don't have nuclei.

Adult laughter is a release of social tension and uncomfortability

When we're babies, we don't laugh for that reason. When we're babies, we laugh out of joy. When we get older, we laugh out of uncomfortability. So you're diaphragm contracting... is a release of social tension and uncomfortability.

Shorter men need to earn $133,000 more than tall men to be seen as successful

A male who's five foot eight needs to make $133,000 more per year to be viewed as successful as someone who's six feet tall. I'll just do two more episodes of Pardon My Take on my own a year. All of a sudden, boom, I'm back in the red, baby.

My back pain is caused by a bulging disc, not a muscle issue

My back hurts. I fucked up my back. I woke up on Wednesday morning and couldn't really stand up... starting to get shooting pain down my right leg. I think it's a skeletal thing. If it's your lower back and everything you described sounds like a disc... a bulging disc like basically hits the nerve.