Takes

Alex Honnold is a 'fucking idiot' for his free solo climbs

He's a fucking idiot. And I hated every second of it... as a person who's terrified of heights watching him get up to those bamboo rings...stood up at the top in the wind forever. Fuck this guy. I can't watch any more of it.

The World Series of Poker should embrace its bad boy William Kass to save the game from 'robot' players

The World Series of Poker is gonna do the opposite thing that they should do. They should embrace this guy because these type of people... you need personalities. You need people that are aggravating. You don't need people who are robots who are playing by an algorithm and just going through it.

Brian Steele is the greatest defense attorney of all time

Brian Steele might just be the greatest defense attorney of all time... he has beat racketeering charges for his clients for the second time... Young Thug... Sean Combs.

The era of the 'Featured Barber' and high-priced haircuts is officially here

The barbers are up... you pull up, they only do the app appointments... they're like 60 to 80 dollars... then there's guys down a little bit further down the street doing featured spots... book your appointment now.

Jim Irsay lived exactly how a billionaire NFL owner should live

I think Jim Irsay is the closest to how I would wanna live my life if I was a billionaire. He had a football team... He collected sick guitars... He lived how you should live if you are a billionaire.

Running a marathon in six hours does not count as finishing a marathon

People do run marathons in like six hours and then they, and they, and then they post on Instagram... No you didn't. Six hour marathon is not doing it.

100 dedicated humans could easily defeat one gorilla in a fight

I think a hundred friends could be one gorilla. Everybody just gotta be dedicated to the shit. And that sparked a debate across the internet... I am firmly of the belief that a hundred people could easily be go a fight.

Kidney stone pain is worse than childbirth

Also, the doctor again for the second time told me that this pain is worse than childbirth. Which I will not be saying to any women, but it's true... I've given birth to like 13 kidney stones. I'm as tough as Philip Rivers' wife.

Hammocks are the most overrated thing in the world

I have a hammock take they suck. Most overrated thing in the world... It's thinking about getting out of a hammock. Getting out of a hammock sucks... They're uncomfortable. You're not taking naps in the hammock.

Nice furniture does not belong outside

Nice furniture should not be outside... the maintenance is not worth the comfort. It's fucking outdoors.

Borgs (Blackout Rage Gallons) are ratchet

My other, who's back of the week is... Borg. Blackout rage gallon. Foul... I've seen... people name 'em and stuff... it's so ratchet.

Jason Kelce was in the right for smashing that kid's phone

Jason Kelce turned around, grabbed his phone, smashed it through the crust of the earth, awesome spike... I have no problem with that guy brought the F word into it. Fair play... I stand with Jason Kelce.

Engagement parties for men are 'a joke' and 'bullshit'

Engagement Party's a joke guy for guys. For guys. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fucking joke. Engagement party is the most optional thing in the world. Engagement party is a fucking bullshit thing that no one should even have or be invited to.

The Enhanced Games (steroid Olympics) will be better than the actual Olympics

I'm going to watch hard. ... That sounds way better than the regular Olympics. ... They're starting the Olympic games where every contestant's gonna be allowed to dope, which means we're gonna get all kinds of crazy records. We have a bunch of freaks running around out there.

I will eat 50 Dairy Queen blizzards as my New Year's resolution

My New Year's resolution is I'm gonna eat more blizzards, Dairy Queen blizzards... New Year's resolutions are, to me, less about changing yourself for the better and more about just doing the things you like more... I'm thinking like 50.

The NFL should allow players to wear either zero, one, or three-plus mouthpieces

Anthony Evans... was wearing not one, not two, but three mouthpieces at once on his person. He's got a red one in his mouth, yellow one hanging down, and then he has a third mouthpiece that's jammed into his left ear hole on his helmet. I kind of love three mouthpiece. Congress needs to step in. You can't do two. You can do three or more. You can do one, zero, or three or more. That's my ruling.

Silent walking is a ridiculous Gen Z trend that just describes thinking

My who's back the week is a new trend. It's called Silent Walking... walking without your phone... this person has never had an inner dialogue. I have an inner dialogue every day. I'm doing a lot of thinking. I got multiple dialogues.

Anyone who wears glasses is a dork

Glasses can look cool, but if you said to anyone, would you rather wear glasses or not? Everyone's picking not. Take four eyes, dude, you're a dork. Like that's just a fact. You're a dork.

I would never take a job that requires waking up at 3:30 AM

I am officially taking my name out of the hat... because of the early wake up time. I actually don't think that there's a single job in the world that I would do if it meant that I had to wake up at three thirty in the morning every day.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the GOAT because he achieved his physique with fewer steroids than modern bodybuilders

Basically Arnold started talking about his steroid use for the first time and talked about his cycle and basically he wasn't on that much steroids compared to a lot of guys today in body building, which just goes to show that he is the goat.

Picking someone up from the airport in a big city is a psychotic move

In New York, it's, it's borderline psychotic for somebody to volunteer to pick someone up from an airport... Instead of me paying an Uber fare, can you pay double an Uber fare? Right. To have somebody else drive you to pick me up.

The 'Tony Pizza' boyfriend is a legend and it's a great nickname

My boyfriend won't stop calling me Tony pizza... it honestly bothers me that he can't even bother to find a somewhat nice nickname for me... backfire for this chick because everyone was like your boyfriend rocks. Tony Pizza is a hilarious nickname... Tony Pizza is a great nickname.

People who wear SPF 50 sunscreen should just stay inside

I judge you if your SPF is 35 or plus... I want to put it on 50. I'm just immediately like, dude, just go inside. There's no reason to be outside. If you really can't handle this, just say you're not that guy pal. That's what I say to anyone who puts on 50.

The world ended in 2016 and we are currently in an afterlife simulation

There's a theory out there that the world ended in 2016. When that [Large Hadron Collider] opened up a massive black hole on earth and everything got sucked into it. And so everything you've experienced since then has been your particular version of heaven or hell, depending on if you were good or not prior to 2016.

Once you mentally transition into wearing shorts for the spring, you can never go back to pants

Once I mentally transitioned into shorts, I just don't go back. And so I'll get caught with like wearing these shorts when it's freezing outside, looking like a fool... but I can't go back and officially made the mental transition. I'm a short, skinny.

Breaking your ribs feels the same as being shot

You know, Rob Gronkowski is stealing more valor. He said that when he broke his ribs, he's never been shot before. But when he broke his ribs, he thought it was like how it feels to get shot.

Vegans have nothing to look forward to in life

Vegans gross. Like what do you do? What do you look forward to? Bread? Ice cream? If you're a vegan, tell me what you look forward to? The day you die and you get the sweet release of this hellhole of a life.

You shouldn't be allowed to coach Little League if your children aren't in that age group

You should honestly should not be allowed to coach Little League if your children are not in that age group. Agreed. That's not a career, but you can stay on a Little League. Coach is not a job that you have for the rest of your life. You don't retire from becoming a Little League coach.

Joey Chestnut is pound-for-pound the greatest athlete of all time

I really do think pound for pound [Joey Chestnut] is the greatest athlete of all time. Maybe you could say Secretariat, but I don't. No, I think... Joey Chestnut has won 14 titles now. 14. No one has ever won that many titles at anything.

James Conrad's disc golf shot is the most clutch play in the history of any sport

I actually think that this is the most clutch play ever in the history of any sport. Name me a better shot than this... That shot was awesome.

Billy Football doesn't have the punctuality to be a Navy SEAL

Billy drunkenly tweeted... 'I would trade it all to be a Navy SEAL.' Now... rule number one of being a Navy SEAL is punctuality. And Billy fails at that all the time.

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

August is the 'Sunday of Summer'

My real who's back to the week is Seasons. Yeah dude, it's August. Yeah... August for me is always like oh, it's Sunday. Oh because back to school. Yeah, you're still in the mode where like I go to the department store with your mom and you see backpacks on sale.

Nobody actually wants a real dad bod

Fuck the people who have made dad bod culture seem cool because I know deep down, no one actually wants dad bods. They want the Zac Efron six pack dad bod... reality is if you have a true dad bod you're just really tired all the time because your metabolism is fucked up and you're overweight.

I am sexually attracted to the 'alpha' energy of Karens in public

I think I'm sexually attracted to Karens. Like I don't care what they're saying or what they're doing... Whenever I see a Karen video gets me going it's like a little bit of that craziness... They exude some kind of like, oh my God, like you just get a look from a Karen and you feel like you did something wrong.

Complaining is the most authentic part of sports fandom, and appreciation is for when they're gone

When sports come back. I'm going to revert right back to my sports fandom instantly. I will complain about everything instantly. That's what sports fans do. That's when you know it's back, when we can complain. So don't give me this like, hey, man, just appreciate that it's back. No, no, no, no. I'm going to complain. That's what sports fans do.

Week 17 fantasy football leagues are for psychos

Hank, bring that up on the other side... how stupid people are who do week [17]... people that somehow keep their fantasy season going along until week 17. You're a psycho. You're a psycho if you do it.

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning... Dude, who gets salmonella from fucking eggs anyway? That's such bullshit.

Being a 'koozie guy' is a sign of a weak drinker

This might be a controversial take, but I think I'm anti-koozie. Because maybe I'm just a guy that likes to drink his beer fast enough where you don't need a koozie. Maybe koozie is a crutch for the week. It's a participation trophy for drinking a beer like Aaron Rodgers.

Lacrosse and baseball should make goals worth more points to make the final score look cooler

You know what they really need to do in lacrosse? They need to make the goals worth more than one point. It's an easy fix for baseball, too, if you want to draw more attention to your sport. Like in football, a touchdown is really one score, but it's worth six, which makes the final score look so much cooler. In lacrosse, if every goal was worth five points and the final score was 100 to 98.

I would rather be a zombie than be canceled

We're going to all cancel each other until we're the army of the dead. And I'm okay with that. I'm on the record being fine with being a zombie army. You don't have a lot to worry about when you're literally dead.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

Good indication of the sport of the future. I saw that highlight on my feed more than baseball, rugby, basketball, any other sport.

Eating out of bowls is superior to eating off plates

Bowls are way, way better than plates. Would we all agree? There's nothing that you can eat out of a plate that you can't also eat out of a bowl. Everything's getting put in a bowl these days. America is hung up on bowl culture.

The clutch gene is a real muscle that can be strengthened

Researchers who study the brains of athletes believe more and more that a so-called clutch gene exists. They've seen enough incremental improvement through brain training that they regarded as a muscle capable of being built and likewise atrophying.

Cheating on your wife shouldn't count as cheating if you are under 5'5"

If you're under 5'5", I don't think it's cheating. Yeah, you're fulfilling your natural destiny at that point. You're just shocked that a woman pays attention to you.

If you stay in a bar that is uncomfortably hot, you are a crazy person

If you go into a bar that is hot and you don't leave immediately, you're a crazy person. I will absolutely call a night like, alright, night's over if I walk into a bar and it is uncomfortably hot in there.

If you show up somewhere with a glowing orb, people will give you money out of fear

If you show up somewhere with a glowing orb, people will give you money because they'll be afraid of you. That's how it works.

If your wife goes away on business, you should move farther away from her to make her miss you more

Here's a pro tip for all you guys out there that are married. If your wife goes away on business, move farther away from your wife. Make her want to come to you.

The first few years after college are more fun than college itself

I think the first three or four years after you graduate can be more fun than college. Because you actually have money in your pocket. You have money in your pocket. You make real life friends. It's not just like, whoever was living on my hallway.

It is okay to be a fair-weather fan

My who's back of the week is fairweather fans... I think it's okay to be a Fairweather fan. I don't like the people that come out of the woodwork being like, oh, you only cheers for the Bruins in the playoffs.