Takes

Peptides are the play for weight loss and health in 2026

Through some limited extensive research, I think part of my peptides might be the play. All the hot people online are just like, 'these are what you need to do. Take these peptides, you'll lose a bunch of weight.'

Alex Honnold is a 'fucking idiot' for his free solo climbs

He's a fucking idiot. And I hated every second of it... as a person who's terrified of heights watching him get up to those bamboo rings...stood up at the top in the wind forever. Fuck this guy. I can't watch any more of it.

If someone spits in your face, it should be legal to hit them with your car

I'll just say this, if someone spits in your face like that, you should be able to hit him with your car. I think. There's no overreaction to being spit on. [Spitting is] massive.

I fully condone and respect the thieves who successfully pulled off a heist at the Louvre.

I condone robbing the Louvre. That's, that's, I got nothing but respect. ... It's good to know that like there's still thieves that are planning heists, especially at the Louvre and like making it happen.

The World Series of Poker should embrace its bad boy William Kass to save the game from 'robot' players

The World Series of Poker is gonna do the opposite thing that they should do. They should embrace this guy because these type of people... you need personalities. You need people that are aggravating. You don't need people who are robots who are playing by an algorithm and just going through it.

Hearing people describe their poker beats is more boring than hearing people describe their dreams

I actually think that hearing people describe their poker beats might be more boring than hearing people describe their dreams.

Brian Steele is the greatest defense attorney of all time

Brian Steele might just be the greatest defense attorney of all time... he has beat racketeering charges for his clients for the second time... Young Thug... Sean Combs.

The era of the 'Featured Barber' and high-priced haircuts is officially here

The barbers are up... you pull up, they only do the app appointments... they're like 60 to 80 dollars... then there's guys down a little bit further down the street doing featured spots... book your appointment now.

I would fight Marlon's Man in a Rough N' Rowdy match.

I'm not ashamed to beat up a 68-year-old man... I'll fight you in Rough N' Rowdy Marlon's Man. Balls in your court.

Jim Irsay lived exactly how a billionaire NFL owner should live

I think Jim Irsay is the closest to how I would wanna live my life if I was a billionaire. He had a football team... He collected sick guitars... He lived how you should live if you are a billionaire.

100 dedicated humans could easily defeat one gorilla in a fight

I think a hundred friends could be one gorilla. Everybody just gotta be dedicated to the shit. And that sparked a debate across the internet... I am firmly of the belief that a hundred people could easily be go a fight.

Kidney stone pain is worse than childbirth

Also, the doctor again for the second time told me that this pain is worse than childbirth. Which I will not be saying to any women, but it's true... I've given birth to like 13 kidney stones. I'm as tough as Philip Rivers' wife.

Hammocks are the most overrated thing in the world.

I have a hammock take: they suck. Most overrated thing in the world. It's thinking about getting out of a hammock—getting out of a hammock sucks. I don't trust them. I get into hammocks and it's a problem.

Nice furniture does not belong outside

Nice furniture should not be outside... the maintenance is not worth the comfort. It's fucking outdoors.

Borgs (Blackout Rage Gallons) are ratchet

My other, who's back of the week is... Borg. Blackout rage gallon. Foul... I've seen... people name 'em and stuff... it's so ratchet.

Jason Kelce was in the right for smashing that kid's phone

Jason Kelce turned around, grabbed his phone, smashed it through the crust of the earth, awesome spike... I have no problem with that guy brought the F-word into it. He was very clearly harassing him. I stand with Jason Kelce.

Engagement parties for men are 'a joke' and 'bullshit'

Engagement Party's a joke guy for guys. For guys. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fucking joke. Engagement party is the most optional thing in the world. Engagement party is a fucking bullshit thing that no one should even have or be invited to.

Robot officials and AI will ruin sports by removing 75% of male conversation

If you put AI into sports and you make robot umps and robot referees, you are depriving men of somewhere between 50 and 75% of the conversations they have with each other. You can't do that. The world will crumble if we can't complain about the refs. What the fuck are we gonna talk about? Nothing.

The Enhanced Games (steroid Olympics) will be better than the actual Olympics

I'm going to watch hard. ... That sounds way better than the regular Olympics. ... They're starting the Olympic games where every contestant's gonna be allowed to dope, which means we're gonna get all kinds of crazy records. We have a bunch of freaks running around out there.

My 'Pretty Much Dry January' rules allow drinking on Fridays, Saturdays, Monday Night Football, Sunday brunches, and any night I want a beer

I am going to be doing pretty much dry January again this year. The rules are as follows: no drinking unless it's Friday. If there's football on a Monday, you can also drink on a Saturday and you can have brunch on a Sunday and then you can have a beer during the week any night. But besides that, no heavy drinking whatsoever.

I will eat 50 Dairy Queen blizzards as my New Year's resolution

My New Year's resolution is I'm gonna eat more blizzards, Dairy Queen blizzards... New Year's resolutions are, to me, less about changing yourself for the better and more about just doing the things you like more... I'm thinking like 50.

The NFL should allow players to wear either zero, one, or three-plus mouthpieces

Anthony Evans... was wearing not one, not two, but three mouthpieces at once on his person. He's got a red one in his mouth, yellow one hanging down, and then he has a third mouthpiece that's jammed into his left ear hole on his helmet. I kind of love three mouthpiece. Congress needs to step in. You can't do two. You can do three or more. You can do one, zero, or three or more. That's my ruling.

Silent walking is a ridiculous Gen Z trend that just describes thinking

My who's back the week is a new trend. It's called Silent Walking... walking without your phone... this person has never had an inner dialogue. I have an inner dialogue every day. I'm doing a lot of thinking. I got multiple dialogues.

Anyone who wears glasses is a dork

Glasses can look cool, but if you said to anyone, would you rather wear glasses or not? Everyone's picking not. Take four eyes, dude, you're a dork. Like that's just a fact. You're a dork.

Modern bunk bed technology with built-in staircases is incredible

My son has a bunk bed and I did not realize bunk bed technology has gotten insane. He has bunk beds with like a legit staircase on the side of it. I got jealous of something that my four-year-old has that I bought with my own money. It used to be a ladder where you were basically going to get hurt. Now they just fucking rock. There's bunk beds with slides, legitimate slides. I want one.

I would never take a job that requires waking up at 3:30 AM

I am officially taking my name out of the hat... because of the early wake up time. I actually don't think that there's a single job in the world that I would do if it meant that I had to wake up at three thirty in the morning every day.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the GOAT because he achieved his physique with fewer steroids than modern bodybuilders

Basically Arnold started talking about his steroid use for the first time and talked about his cycle and basically he wasn't on that much steroids compared to a lot of guys today in body building, which just goes to show that he is the goat.

Parents having multiple children should buy a 'big gift' for the older siblings to keep them occupied when the new baby arrives

The only tip I'd give is I bought a big gift for my first son and my daughter and I saved it for when the baby came. So when the baby came home, I was like, 'look, here's a gift.' And it was like a toy they could play with for four hours, which was a lifesaver.

I am officially done having children now that I am a father of three

I'm done. Three's easy, I'm done. Four's... I mean, three's already a lot. Snip snip. I think I'm done.

Picking someone up from the airport in a big city is a psychotic move

In New York, it's, it's borderline psychotic for somebody to volunteer to pick someone up from an airport... Instead of me paying an Uber fare, can you pay double an Uber fare? Right. To have somebody else drive you to pick me up.

Flying private is the coolest thing you can do if you are rich

We've been lucky enough to fly private every now and then—it is pretty fucking awesome. If you have the means to do it, like these people do, it's probably the one coolest rich thing you can do.

The 'Tony Pizza' boyfriend is a legend and it's a great nickname

My boyfriend won't stop calling me Tony pizza... it honestly bothers me that he can't even bother to find a somewhat nice nickname for me... backfire for this chick because everyone was like your boyfriend rocks. Tony Pizza is a hilarious nickname... Tony Pizza is a great nickname.

People who wear SPF 50 sunscreen should just stay inside

I judge you if your SPF is 35 or plus... I want to put it on 50. I'm just immediately like, dude, just go inside. There's no reason to be outside. If you really can't handle this, just say you're not that guy pal. That's what I say to anyone who puts on 50.

Once you mentally transition into wearing shorts for the spring, you can never go back to pants

Once I mentally transitioned into shorts, I just don't go back. And so I'll get caught with like wearing these shorts when it's freezing outside, looking like a fool... but I can't go back and officially made the mental transition. I'm a short, skinny.

Vaping is officially back

My whose back is vaping. Vaping's back. Oh, accidentally... Jerry gave me my own vape. I've been hitting it for the last six hours. I'm full on addicted again.

Vegans have nothing to look forward to in life

Vegans gross. Like what do you do? What do you look forward to? Bread? Ice cream? If you're a vegan, tell me what you look forward to? The day you die and you get the sweet release of this hellhole of a life.

The Whipsnakes are cheaters and I hope they never play lacrosse again

Fuck the Whipsnakes. Whipsnakes are cheaters. Everybody knows that... I root for two teams: I root for the Waterdogs and whoever's playing against the Whipsnakes. Fuck the Whipsnakes. I hope they all lose and never play lacrosse again.

You shouldn't be allowed to coach Little League if your children aren't in that age group

You should honestly should not be allowed to coach Little League if your children are not in that age group. Agreed. That's not a career, but you can stay on a Little League. Coach is not a job that you have for the rest of your life. You don't retire from becoming a Little League coach.

Fighting in public should be allowed as long as there are no face shots

I actually think that fighting in public should be allowed. As long as you all agreed, no face shots. You could just, you should be allowed to just body everybody up all day long... Kidney shots. That's fine. Wedgies break. A couple of ribs. Go for it. Kick some shit. Maybe one need of the balls. That's okay.

Joey Chestnut is pound-for-pound the greatest athlete of all time

I really do think pound for pound [Joey Chestnut] is the greatest athlete of all time. Maybe you could say Secretariat, but I don't. No, I think... Joey Chestnut has won 14 titles now. 14. No one has ever won that many titles at anything.

Goody bags are the best part of the two-year-old birthday party circuit

My Who's Back is goody bags. I've been doing the two-year-old birthday party circuit... they fucking rock. You get a gift for going to a party. It's incredible. It's amazing. It's the best.

James Conrad's disc golf shot is the most clutch play in the history of any sport

I actually think that this is the most clutch play ever in the history of any sport. Name me a better shot than this... That shot was awesome.

UNC Women's Field Hockey is bad for the sport because they are too dominant

UNC Women's Field Hockey... just won their third national title in a row. Do you think that UNC women's field hockey is bad for women's field hockey? Because they're too dominant. If they go five in a row, that's bad for the sport.

This summer will be the 'Summer of Fake Butts' due to people getting surgery while the world was on pause

I have a theory. This is going to be the summer of fake butts. The Roaring Twenties. My theory is that a lot of people got elective cosmetic surgery during this year that the world hit pause. And this summer, you're going to see a lot of fake asses that come out of nowhere.

Novelty drinks are back and I will order them every time they're on a menu

My who's back of the week is novelty drinks. Novelty drinks are back big time. If there's a novelty drink that's on the menu, I'm going to order it every single time. I'm talking like a punch bowl style thing or a margarita that's got a beer upside down in it.

Billy Football doesn't have the punctuality to be a Navy SEAL

Billy drunkenly tweeted... 'I would trade it all to be a Navy SEAL.' Now... rule number one of being a Navy SEAL is punctuality. And Billy fails at that all the time.

The biggest mistake you can make after tripping is speeding up your pace to look more athletic

You can't do what Joe Biden did, and that is the initial reaction whenever you trip going upstairs is 'let me speed my pace up to show everyone how athletic I am and ha-ha, I didn't trip up these stairs.' Well, then you just trip up more stairs.

Walmart is the number one store for finding people fighting

Walmart's number one. Walmart, yeah, Walmart's definitely up there. When they try not to accept that 20% coupon that you have, that's like seven years old.

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

The return of 'crisp air' is the best feeling for big guys

The crisp air is all the way back. I like it. When you're a bigger guy, it looks like a big dog getting their life back when the crisp air comes. I feel like I could just run, I have the Zoomies. I hope someday, many years from now when I die, it's just sitting outside in the crisp air.