Takes

The name 'Six Female Chinese Boy Whisperers' instills fear in opponents

I love that. I love that people hear that name and they go running for the hills... A name that instills fear.

It's my duty to 'shake it off' on the floors of airplane bathrooms to punish people who walk in with just socks

I watch people get up in their socks and walk into the bathroom... I feel it's my duty to just shake it, shake it up, even it out. Just get the little, few little drops here and there just to let you know that if you wear your socks in there, you're coming home with urine on them.

The US government will confirm the existence of aliens this week

Aliens might drop this week. Like, like there's aliens might drop this week... [The White House] might confirm the existence of aliens as early as this week. And just be ready for the outcome of that.

Exposing your 'boys' to sunlight increases testosterone.

Never tried it, but there is evidence that if you get sun on your boys, that your testosterone will go up.

Body wash doesn't work under your armpits

My take was that it's bullshit. That body wash doesn't work under your armpits. If you use body wash on your armpits and you don't use deodorant, your armpits still smell like an hour later.

St. Louis is a terrible city with shit sports teams and paste-like pizza

St. Louis isn't great. Sports teams shit. Pizza not good. I don't even think it's cheese. I think they use like, some sort of glue or paste. It's a whole, whole entire city of people sitting under an arch eating paste.

I will bear-hug and kiss my dad on the lips on the Hall of Fame stage

I will on the stage, man. I'll hold him down. It's five years after you play so he probably won't have enough strength. I will bear hug him and I would kiss him on the lips. A big wet kiss.

Reading is dumb

I think that this book we're dumb and books are dumb reading's. Dumb.

Joey Chestnut would beat Usain Bolt in a mile race if they both had to eat a hot dog first

Usain Bolt has literally never run a mile in his entire life... I think it switches at a mile. I think Joey Chestnut beats him.

Nice furniture does not belong outside

Nice furniture should not be outside... the maintenance is not worth the comfort. It's fucking outdoors.

Being clean and smelling good is the mark of a loser

Being clean, smelling good is the mark of a loser. Your must should take over. I remember there was a team, I think it was Derek Dooley when he coached at Tennessee... he blamed it on the lack of shower discipline. That's a mark of a loser head coach right there.

People will stop visiting Orlando entirely if the airport removes its Chili's

I am taking up a new fight. They're changing the Orlando airport and the Chili's is going to be gone in 2025. We're not gonna let this happen... I predict that people are gonna stop visiting Orlando, Florida entirely because of this. There's no amusement found in Orlando [without it].

The Tasmanian Tiger is likely not extinct and lives in Papua New Guinea

The one that sits on the top reign supreme is an animal called a Thylacine. Tasmanian tiger... it managed to get a pilot and get picked up and turned into a series... because it used to range like 4,000 years ago... there are still ongoing reports from tribes and villages of striped dogs and all these things in Papua New Guinea. That's the area that I think needs the biggest exposure.

Pepper jack cheese is yellow

I'll go with pepper jack cheese.

Pepper jack cheese is white, not yellow

Pepper jack is white dude. It's all white, red and green. You picked a white cheese. If pepper jack's not yellow then no cheese should have been allowed.

A Jimmy Carter 'not awake' report is effectively a death notice

Jimmy Carter, who it was reported the other day that Jimmy Carter is no longer awake every day... isn't that just dead? The guy just let him die. He's been in hospice for like a year and a half... grandson, don't wake him up next time he is not awake for a day. Don't wake him up the next day. Just let him sleep forever.

Every hobby a man has is designed primarily to attract women

It's from Ed Latimore, former professional boxer... All of your hobbies and ambitions are to attract women. Nature doesn't care how much personal fulfillment you get from them. Those things are cool, but they're coincidental positive externality to the Prime objective to keep the species going. Every hobby that you have is designed to attract women.

I will give it my all and I believe I will be able to dunk

I'm in it. The bet's out there. It's 20, it's 20 k. ... I'm going to give it my all to be able to dunk. I think I'm gonna be able to do it. I know the haters and you guys and everyone in the world doesn't think I'm going to, but I I welcome that. I welcome that. ... The only way that's gonna stop me is injury.

I never sit with my back to the door in restaurants so I can always have a vantage point

I never sit with my back to the door like you in a restaurant. I never sit with my back to the door. You always gotta sit to where You can have a vantage point of like, everything that's going on around you.

Hitchhiking should be brought back because it was generally safe

Bring back hitchhiking. Hitchhiking was safe. I feel like hitchhiking got a bad rap because there were a couple serial killers out there. Almost 100% of hitchhikers ended without a serial killer encounter.

Tyler Owens is pretending to not believe in space to get a free rocket ride from NASA

I actually think it, it's not a bad thing to say that you don't believe in space. You don't believe in, in the round earth theory, if you want to get a free ride on a Rocket ship, because there's always one guy where NASA's like, yeah, fuck you. We'll show you. Yeah. We'll take you up to space and you can get a look at it. Like, yeah, you know what, I, I also believe that space is fake. NASA prove help, help me prove myself wrong.

If you are a streaker and you aren't nude, you're not a streaker

If you're a streaker and you're not nude, you're not a streaker. You are an enemy combatant... If you just interrupt the game and you're wearing pants, you're not a streaker. That's stolen valor.

Your physical health and fitness decisions do not matter until you turn 40 years old

I've always thought that nothing that you do before you're 40 really matters. So once you're 40, you're an adult... if you turn 40 and you're not in good shape, nobody ever gets in great shape after they're 40... besides that, you don't really clean your life up that much in terms of your physique.

The NFL should allow players to wear either zero, one, or three-plus mouthpieces

Anthony Evans... was wearing not one, not two, but three mouthpieces at once on his person. He's got a red one in his mouth, yellow one hanging down, and then he has a third mouthpiece that's jammed into his left ear hole on his helmet. I kind of love three mouthpiece. Congress needs to step in. You can't do two. You can do three or more. You can do one, zero, or three or more. That's my ruling.

Players should be allowed to open-hand slap any fan who talks shit to them immediately after a loss

I really do think that Caleb Williams, like every player, if a fan goes up to you and talks shit after a devastating loss, you have like a ten second period where you can just open hand slap 'em. Yeah. Not punch. We're civilized. But I think that that would actually, if that just became a law and a rule, 'cause then fans would start acting accordingly.

Crows are the dumbest animals in the world

My personal big takeaway was that crows are dumb as shit. ... I've been told my whole life that crows are the smartest bird in the world. And it's a miracle that they ever get out of bed in the morning without stabbing themselves in the butthole with their own beak. Because they're so stupid that they just hold onto the back of an eagle and die of not being able to breathe.

I learned how to run before I learned how to walk

I learned to run before I learned to walk.

Vacations are for suckers and losers

Full stop. Fucking work hard. Hank vacation. Boy, you're soft bitch. All these vacations you're taking. I didn't even like doing it. I wanted to be working with the boys... vacations for suckers and losers.

Magnus Carlsen is a 'baby back bitch' for quitting the chess tournament

And then they, they, they finally have another matchup yesterday and Magnus quits after one move. He retires. And he disconnects his entire computer. I might not be this goat thing might not be working out. He might, he might be baby back bitch.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

I officially hate everyone named Cameron

I fucking hate all Camerons. Fuck all Camerons for the rest of my life and their life. Someone pointed out that I hate all Camerons because they showed a picture of Duke's Cameron Indoor Court, and I realized I do hate all Camerons.

The James Webb telescope images are fake and look like a lava lamp

Those images... are freaking me out... but that could also just be some fucking scientists lava lamp and they just send it out and they're like, check this out guys... I did see this picture and I just said that's fake.

Nuclear-powered 'air cruises' are fake and would definitely crash

It's a plane cruise. Yeah. It's like a massive, massive, massive, bigger than whatever name like four aircraft carriers... 20 electric engines powered by nuclear fusion. I'm just going to say this. If this is real, I will absolutely laugh when it crashes and everyone dies. There's no way to test fly this until you actually make the real thing.

There might be as few as one intelligent civilization per galaxy

I think there's a good argument that there might be a very few of those. And actually there's a reasonable argument we might assume there's about one per galaxy on average, any one time, which means that we're it.

Information is never truly destroyed by a black hole and could theoretically be reconstructed

It seems now that's what happens in black holes. So you throw the book in, and then at some point in the distant future, you could collect all the Hawking radiation that comes off and reconstruct the book... if some sufficiently clever, super advanced civilization, if they could collect all the Hawking radiation and put it into some quantum computer would actually reconstruct you.

Unspayed ferrets will die if they do not get pregnant

Unspayed ferrets will die if they don't get pregnant. Die of stress.

I would take Draymond Green in a fight against any set of brothers

Draymond has, has the irrational confidence that I don't think it can be stopped against anyone... I'd take them against [the Jokic brothers]. I would take against any set of brothers.

People under five foot nine should not be allowed to lead countries

If you're five foot nine or less, you should not be in charge of a country. I will fully admit my people [short people] have a deficiency and that's like, we like to try to take over the world to prove everyone... we should not be allowed within 50 miles of a nuclear missile.

Vegans have nothing to look forward to in life

Vegans gross. Like what do you do? What do you look forward to? Bread? Ice cream? If you're a vegan, tell me what you look forward to? The day you die and you get the sweet release of this hellhole of a life.

I could defeat a bald eagle in a fight by grabbing it and slamming it on the ground.

The move would be to jump up in the air and to grab it like you're mossing nature. And you just grab it and then you slam it on the ground. Smother it... while it's trying to do that, just boom, stamp him on his head.

My worst one was island gorilla — I thought it was a lowland gorilla from the island

My personal opinion, the worst one was island gorilla... Lowland gorilla. Oh yeah. You thought it was the gorilla from Des Moines? How sick would Iowa be if there were just wild gorillas rolling through the country?

If I get into a fight, I would be charged with murder because my hands are registered weapons

I got legal hands, I can't fight anybody. No seriously, like legally I'd get murder not manslaughter if I get into a fight with someone... because I was registered in a professional boxing match.

I am going to buy an albino cobra

Bro, I went down to Florida, and I'm about to buy an albino cobra. ... Dude, they can ship it. ... [I'm] not going to bring COVID back [to the office].

I know more about steroids than most doctors and endocrinologists

I know more about steroids than most doctors, most endocrinologists. Believe me when I tell you that.

I will never wrestle another match in my life

I'll never wrestle another match in my life... I'll say it. I'm done. Never's a long time [but] no, it ain't worth it... I got the wrestling bug out of my system.

It should be encouraged to kill bats to keep the population down and reduce the risk of mosquito bites

I feel like it should be encouraged to kill bats... [to keep the] population like to keep it down. So like no of the mosquito bites. Which also was the bats. That's true.

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

The seeds from China are 'murder gourds' designed to destroy American pumpkins and cancel Halloween

He planted him seeds and a gourd pops out. Personally I think that the gourd was... going to try to harm American gourds with some sort of disease or murder gourds. And guess what's a very American gourd? Pumpkin. Trying to cancel Halloween exactly.

You should definitely plant mystery seeds sent from China even if the government says not to

I saw the story over the weekend and I get the US government was saying do not plant seeds that come ship to you from China. Fuck that. If I get mystery seeds. The first thing I'm going to do is plant those.

Hank thought the word superlatives was super relatives

Hank thought the words superlatives was super relatives.