Takes

Tom Brady has definitely heard the Pardon My Take podcast

Tom's definitely heard you guys. Statistically, I mean, statistically speaking, there's not that many people who haven't. So Hank, if you're listening, [Tom] knows exactly who you are.

Mike Tirico replacing Bob Costas is a win for white media members

NBC announced that Bob Costas is handing over Olympic duty to Mike Tirico. And if you remember, Mike Tirico is a white guy, as he said. ... As a white guy, I'm happy that Bob Costas is passing off the Olympic coverage to another white guy. It's good to see the white guys keep their jobs in the media business.

Roger Goodell is being negligent by not knowing Barstool since they've been 'threatening his life'

[Roger Goodell] said he had never heard of Barstool Sports before. I believe him, yo. Which is bullshit. And as Dave and Hank mentioned, he's being negligent if he doesn't know who Barstool is because they were the ones that have been threatening his life. Allegedly. Through his own ignorance, he's actually putting the entire NFL in harm's way by not making sure that he takes all the precautions to stay alive.

Mike Wilbon is actually a blogger because his job is the same as Barstool's

Has somebody explained to Mike Wilbon that his job is pretty literally our job? So he's a blogger, too. He doesn't even write columns anymore. You know what? Anybody that doesn't like bloggers, guess what? You're a blogger. I'm going to call you a blogger.

Vegas will be taken by storm once Brent Musburger moves there

Hot seat, I have Las Vegas. Brent Musburger is opening up a handicapping company in Las Vegas. So if you think that he's going to move out to the desert and not take that place by storm, then you haven't been watching television for the past 50 years.

The new 6 PM SportsCenter will be 90% conversation and only 10% traditional highlights

We have producers who enjoy and appreciate what we do... In fact, we had to give it a percentage. The six is going to be 85% to 90% of what you've seen on His and Hers and 10% some SportsCenter. And that 10% is going to feel like His and Hers. It's just going to be something that SportsCenter would have done anyway.

Lacrosse will be a top-tier major sport within 10 to 15 years

Cool throne lacrosse. I might have been in two. I've been a little early. I said there's 30 years. It's looking more like 10 to 15... I mean, it's like the hottest thing. It's like number one thing on SportsCenter.

The Starters on NBA TV are sports hipsters

I don't like to shit on other people's quality of their work. But they have a show, and it's actually good. It's very stat-oriented... but like the Starters on the NBA network. They are hipsters. They're sports hipsters.

Hank is more famous than former NHL star Ryan Whitney

Is there a part of you that realizes that Hank is still more famous than you? [Ryan Whitney: I'm fully 100% aware of it.]

Social media and video games have ruined the camaraderie of wrestling road tours

The guys nowadays pretty much stayed to themselves. A lot of video games, a lot of stuff like that, you know. Social media is tough. The guys don't go out like they're used to. It's just different times... raising hell, driving on the road. It's a different time.

WWE's production values are superior to the NBA and NFL

WWE's production values are [so good]. Their stuff is better than NBA, NFL, Namath. Their stuff is so good and so far advanced.

Every crime headline should include the sports teams the criminal roots for

Every time that there's a crime in the paper, if the detectives are able to figure out what teams they supported, they should include that in the headline. So like Pittsburgh Penguins fan hits Washington Wizards fan in a drunk driving accident.

Jay Mariotti is just a troll looking for attention

It's called a troll that's looking for attention. And I absolutely played right into what he wanted.

News broadcasts should stop reporting on crimes to discourage copycats, similar to how the NFL stops showing streakers

The news should stop showing all the bad stuff that happens so it's work for me they should follow the NFL's lead once again Roger Goodell is a thought leader trying to improve society so hey news big news producers out there maybe stop leading with mass murders cut away from them and have Gruden just talk that's right and then and then there won't be any more murders

The popcorn debate will be featured on Mike and Mike within two weeks

I'm going to call my shot. The popcorn debate is going to be featured on Mike and Mike within the next two weeks. Anytime you can introduce a bracket, it's going to do wonders for water cooler talk.

Announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive ratings

I think that announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive up ratings. Because there's one thing that you can't draw when you're doing a telestrator and that's a dick. And they do it every time. Every single time it's a dick.

Training yourself to say 'tuckus' instead of 'ass' makes you a giant 'tuckus hole'

Do you know how big of a tuckus hole you need to be to actually do that in college? ...What a fucking tuckus. God I hate, I hate that.

Fox has a much better Thanksgiving broadcast than CBS because they use holiday graphics

CBS cheated us on that. I don't know if you saw it. But it came back. They didn't have it, and then Fox was like a bukkake of leaves on my face. Leaves and gourds just dripping... I actually got mad on Thanksgiving Day when I turned on the Lions game and it was just a regular scoreboard. How the fuck am I supposed to know it's a holiday if it's a regular scoreboard?

J.J. Watt’s Players' Tribune article is basically erotic fan fiction he wrote about himself

One was wearing a 99 jersey with my name on the back, and another was wearing shoes with my logo on them... That was some fucking fan fiction erotic art shit for J.J. Watt. He hired a J.J. Watt mega fan to write that passage.

J.J. Watt released the first-ever non-retirement announcement for a retirement nobody expected

J.J. Watt just had the first ever non-retirement announcement. No one was wondering if he was retiring. But he's like, hey, guys, if any of you are wondering, yeah, I'm not retiring.

Twitter is a perfect representation of what is going on in the world and decides major decisions

Twitter decides major, major important decisions. Twitter is a really good testament to what is going on in the world. Right. Great representation. Everything that everyone's exactly.

Adam Schefter didn't go to Mexico because he's afraid of getting kidnapped because he fits perfectly in a trunk

Maybe because his body is so short and it fits so perfectly in a trunk, he doesn't want to go there and get kidnapped.

Chris Collinsworth's son Jack is likely running his Twitter account

Jack Collinsworth the night before Chris's son... when the tweet went out from Bill Simmons he wrote somebody needs to gently break the news to Simmons that his show just got canceled... I think Jack is running Chris's account and Chris is either going to explain that or he got roped into some radio wars.

Gladiator fights to the death would draw huge ratings

If there were to be actual gladiator fights on television... I'd watch. I think it would draw huge ratings. Like, yeah, fight to the death. Someone's got to die. Someone's got to die... Someone's got to die within 10 minutes. Or else they both die.

Barack Obama would be an electric Sunday Night Football announcer

I think he [Obama] would make a good Sunday night football announcer. You team him up with Peyton Manning. I think he'd be electric in the booth.

PFT Commenter effectively built a hospital by giving Kyle Rudolph the nickname 'Big Country.'

They printed up a bunch of t-shirts... and they're using the concept to raise money for the Kyle Rudolph's End Zone campaign, an effort to build a state-of-the-heart... space at Masonic Children's Hospital. So Ipso facto, I kind of built a hospital.

NFL ratings are down because of poor game matchups, not boycotts

The numbers on the big games... they're down dramatically. But those have been crap games this year. The matchups are horrible... Tennessee and Jacksonville is not going to do great ratings... people aren't turning off those games. They're not watching the national games. They're not watching the crap games.

NFL ratings are down primarily because the prime time games have been poor

One reality is the games haven't been very good... You're going to have some crappy primetime games. But even Jaguars-Titans... the problem is, more often than not, the primetime games have been crap.

Joe Thomas bribing journalists with BBQ is a violation of ethics

Mary Kay Cabot... tweeted out yesterday that Joe Thomas bought us lunch today trying for the third Good Guy Award... Joe brought them all barbecue... respect the biz. You can't be accepting free barbecue. This is probably why the Browns have gotten such glowing press.

The take that the NFL 'sucks' right now is becoming too mainstream and annoying

My hot seat: People who say the NFL sucks. I'm done with it. We were kind of early to it... Now it's become a little too mainstream. People saying the Seahawks-Cardinals game sucked. That game was amazing... I still love the NFL. I'm sick of it. I'm back on Roger Goodell's side.

I did not fart on the air during ESPN Sunday Countdown

It wasn't me. Not at all. It wasn't me, absolutely. I would take blame if it was me, because that was a doozy. But I don't think, and everybody looked at me, but I don't think, I don't even think it was anybody passed gas. I think it was a chair, somebody moved in the chair.

We have officially run JJ Watt off the internet

How long has it been since J.J. Watt tweeted? 20 days. 20 days since J.J. Watt has tweeted. We have officially run him off the internet.

I will probably retire from broadcasting in about 15 years

Vince Scully is in his 67th and final year here. Subtract about 30 years from that. And then, yeah, so we're like in the upper 30s... I may just go do something else.

The pressure for male TV announcers to have full heads of hair is messed up

Joe Buck has come out and said that he was addicted to hair plant surgery and almost lost his career... I think that's fucked up, the pressure that we put on our male announcers to look good for the camera. Always be looking good.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

Vince Scully's 'retirement' is the coward's way out for an announcer.

I'm glad that Vin Scully's done. I'm just sick of hearing about the farewell tour. It's like, dude, you're just an announcer. I want my announcers like Harry Caray and Jack Buck, they need to stick around to the bitter end. Get a little senile. Vince Scully, you took the coward's way out. What real announcer retires?

A Mike Greenberg solo show would be a four-hour suicide note of unathletic stories

Can you just imagine four hours of Greeny? ... It actually just might be really depressing to have a guy just making fun of how unathletic he is for four hours. You need that Golic balance. ... Now it's just going to be one long suicide note. It's just going to be him being like, I was not good at sports in high school.

The Auburn girl getting hit in the face by a football was a staged video

I think it was planned. Obviously, she still got the ball off her face, but there's a second video of someone videotaping her behind her. That seems too convenient... I said in the text, I was like, I don't know how, but I know.

Skip Bayless is a professional hockey goon of sports media

A guy like [Skip] Bayless is a professional hockey goon. He goes out and skates around the ice and punches people. The people just happen to be LeBron or Chris Bosh, etc... He is one of the brilliant sports television people who understands how to push people's buttons and say ultimate contrarian things.

Deadspin under Univision ownership will not change as much as people think

I do not think that Deadspin under Univision will change as much as people think. The question will be, will the guys who are running Deadspin now stick around for the long haul or will there be a sort of an editorial change? But I don't think Univision bought Deadspin not to have Deadspin.

NFL Media should prioritize getting the All-22 film and Game Rewind up on time for 'film grinders'

Can we please get the All-22 and the Game Rewind up on time? There are a lot of people out there that like to sit and grind film on a Monday morning or a Monday afternoon.

The 'Send Beer Money' Venmo kid on College GameDay is a fake viral ad

No, you don't do that. Seemed a little fishy... Nowhere to be found. No one can find Sam Crowder... It's a fake. It's a viral ad.

Twitter is officially out to get Curt Schilling

Twitter is out to get Curt Schilling. It has nothing to do with his awful opinions, his racist beliefs, the fact that he's addicted to memes and retweeting idiots... Nope.

The 'PMT Bump' gets guests massive contracts

You touch part of my take, you turn into gold. Facts are facts. David DiCastro... Kyle Long... Chris Long... A.J. Hawk. We told him how to get hired... Boom. On a team. Rainmakers. We are rainmakers.

The NFL books terrible pregame bands like OneRepublic on purpose to show power over the audience

I think the NFL does that on purpose. They always have the world's shittiest band opening up for the season... They do it on purpose just to say, like, fuck you, you're going to watch. We could wheel out Ozzy Osbourne while he's in a coma, and you would still tune in and watch.

Pardon My Take has more listeners than Bill Simmons

We have over 40 million listeners in six months. That's crazy. I'm just going to say it's more than Simmons. Yeah, it's more than [Bill] Simmons.

Mike Greenberg's belief that ties are more satisfying than overtime is the worst opinion ever

Mike Greenberg's dumb rules... I dislike overtime and college football so much that I genuinely believe ending in a tie is not only more just, it is more satisfying too. That has to be the worst opinion of all time.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen might be getting a divorce

Like, maybe things aren't going so well in paradise? Maybe the big D word coming down the pike? Like, maybe he doesn't have such close ties with Brazil anymore?

CBS firing Mike Carey because of internet meaness sets a terrible precedent

But what CBS has done here is it sets a terrible precedent. Yes. Because if you cave into the Internet once, oh, boy, that's a lot of power that you're giving CBS basically said we can get anyone on their staff fired. Right.

Jay Mariotti is the senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take

Jay, you will be our senior Iceland correspondent. Done... Jay Mariotti has been named senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take.