Takes

Sitting on stage with Artie Lange felt like being a member of Billy Bob Thornton's band

I remember thinking, oh, this is what it feels like to be in [Billy Bob] Thornton's band. Just because I remember about that same month, I think, there was this viral clip of Billy Bob Thornton on a radio show talking about his music... and his bandmates just kind of sitting there and not really saying much and kind of taking it all in.

Below Deck is the modern-day Downton Abbey

Below Deck is great because it's young people. It's almost like Downton Abbey... It's the modern day Downton Abbey because it's the people who live downstairs serving the people who live upstairs.

Imagine Dragons' new song will be the perfect pump-up music for college football this fall.

Imagine Dragons dropped a new song, which is going to be the perfect pump up music for college football this fall. ... It's really good. ... It's very, very, it's like perfect. You can actually imagine, you know, like South Carolina playing Clemson on a Saturday night.

The 'virgin' storyline for Colton Underwood on 'The Bachelorette' is a narrative that actually plays well with the audience.

I'm telling you, this virgin thing plays. ... I think it absolutely plays. ... What better chase than a 30-year-old guy that's like, I could have had sex, but I've never had sex.

I can stay 'Kid Poker' for at least another 10 years as long as I don't go gray

I feel like I got a solid 10 years. I feel young, so I guess maybe up until I get gray hair, and so far I'm good.

Goodfellas and The Godfather are essentially based on real events

When you go to see some of the quote unquote fictional movies, The Godfather or the other one, which I love, Goodfellas, so many of the stories that are in there are based on things that really happen.

Drake's Degrassi reunion video was a calculated response to Pusha T's diss track

Drake decided that his response for the diss track basically coming at his entire livelihood... was to just do a video from his childhood acting days. Big Degrassi reunion.

Pusha T killed Drake in their rap beef

So Pusha T killed Drake. Yes. Drake cannot stop. He's still going to come out with an album. We'll probably have some subtle shots, but I don't think he's going to come out with a full-on diss track.

Drake lacks the 'clutch gene' in rap feuds

I don't think that Drake has it in him. I don't think he's got the clutch gene [against Pusha T].

Oscar De La Hoya's alleged sex tape is one of the wildest ever

The sex tape features one blonde and one brunette... in one scene, the women are seen performing sex acts on him with kitchen utensils. [A source] said it's one of the wildest sex tapes he's ever watched.

I am going to go viral singing Cardi B songs

I think I can go viral being a Cardi B remixer... I'm literally just going to sing her lyrics into a camera and just be like, check it out, y'all. I love Cardi B... My goal is in the next week to go viral singing Cardi B.

Tom Brady was definitely drinking real beer on Colbert's show because of the lacing left on the glass

What that is called on the side of the beer is lacing. ... Lacing is what happens when the foam sticks to the side of the beer glass. So it's beer. ... That was beer.

The first people to go to Mars in Elon Musk's spaceships are probably going to die

Elon Musk is finally being honest with people and saying that the first people who go to Mars in one of his spaceships are probably going to die. So just getting it out there. Finally, Elon Musk is stopping with these Twitter videos saying that we're going to travel around the world in 45 seconds.

Steve from Blue's Clues has a million potential memes in his face

I'm going to call my shot here. I feel like Blue's Clues has like a million memes in it. That guy, Steve, with his fucking stupid old Navy shirt, that guy for sure has a memeable face.

Vince McMahon hates sneezing because he can't control it

He doesn't like sneezing in the same room... I think he doesn't like sneezing because he perceives it to be unsanitary and it's not something that he can control as much as he would like. And so he's not a sneezer and you don't need to be a sneezer in his presence either.

Tex can't fight and is a little girl

Tex can't fight. He's a little girl. I love how Tex just goes around the office and punks people just on the whole tough guy kick. ... He tries very hard and it doesn't work.

The dog in Aaron Rodgers' commercial does not actually love him

You know the commercial that [Rodgers] does with that dog where they play the Believe It or Not song? It's a very cute dog. No chance in hell that's Aaron Rodgers' dog... if you look into that dog's eye, you can tell that it feels no emotion.

Tobey Maguire is the greatest celebrity poker player in the world

The biggest celebrity winner probably in the world is Tobey Maguire... He's really good. Ben Affleck is an excellent poker player as well, and these guys play in some high-stakes games.

LaVar Ball will be doing work for the WWE within two years

Within two years, [LaVar Ball] is going to be doing stuff for WWE. He is that good at being the heel. Like, he was yelling at the reporter for not holding the microphone close enough to his face.

DJ Khaled is on the hot seat because he got booed off stage at a music festival

My hot seat is DJ Khaled... he went to a music festival tried to perform actual music and just got booed off the stage because I mean he's all his songs are just other people singing and him in the background.

I predict love will be found on this season of the Bachelorette

I'm sure this is going to be a great season. They're going to find love. I'm going to predict it right now. I'm calling my shot. Love.

Aaron Rodgers is plagiarizing Jack Handey SNL quotes on Twitter

I'm going to read you a tweet that Aaron put out yesterday. 'If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.' ... Guess what? It's actually plagiarism, bro. That's Jack Handey. That was from SNL Deep Thoughts. No attribution given whatsoever.

Moonlight is the favorite to win Best Picture because Hollywood loves movies about poor people

Moonlight's my favorite to win, and here is why... Hollywood loves movies about poor people. They just love it because it makes [them feel] like, oh, wow, look at these people struggling. We can really relate to that, all of us in our Hollywood bubble. Let's wear tuxedos and talk about poor people.

Tony Siragusa is a closeted actor because of how much he protests against acting

It sounds to me like he's [Tony Siragusa] got some pent-up latent actor tendencies. It's like homophobes are usually, secretly, they have homosexual tendencies. So it sounds like Tony's just a closeted actor.

The creepy clown sightings across the US are fake videos staged for views

I really dove into the clowns. They're all fake. It's all videos of people recording themselves driving. When in your life have you recorded yourself driving? It's them trying to turn around, freaking out like a bear is coming at them, and then the video stops right before the clown comes at the door. Until the clowns take action, I'm woke.

Son of Zorn is the first ever show with a cartoon as the main character of a sitcom.

Zorn is the first ever show that is a cartoon as the main character of a sitcom. I think that is absolutely true.

Iggy Azalea's music career is over because she pivoted away from pop hits to 'true' rap

She took a left turn and started her true rap career. That's when you get cheated on, when you go away from your moneymaker and everyone's like, oh, shit, she's a really bad rapper.

The only difference between a mixtape and an album is price

[Mixtapes are] for free. Albums you have to technically pay for. You can still find it for free, but technically it costs money. Mixtapes are just for free. Musically... there's really not much of a difference.

Rache Caldwell is the world's worst criminal

The whole premise of it is like [Rache] Caldwell is the world's worst criminal... he orders five and a half pounds of MDMA from China and it shows up on his doorstep delivered by a federal agent.

Michael Jordan doesn't actually get paid for the Crying Jordan meme

Black Twitter bullied ja rule off of twitter and and this was because ja rule said that michael jordan gets paid a dollar for every time the crime jordan face is tweeted yes yeah which if we are ranking ja rules tweets it actually wasn't the top tweet he's ever had... This guy thinks he just cracked the lotto and Michael Jordan makes a dollar off every picture on the internet.

Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes beat the Monstars at the end of Space Jam

The spoiler is that Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes beat the Monstars in the end.

The Crying Michael Jordan meme will never die

The reason why the crying MJ meme will never die, and it's very simple, anyone who ever complains about it instantly gets the crying MJ meme on them so it's like it just it's a self-fulfilling you can't stop it.

Adam Morrison is an apocalypse prepper with a bunker and guns in Spokane

The guy is fully equipped. If there was an apocalypse, he's got food stashed in the way, everything. So he could survive anything. Yeah, he's got guns, everything. He's got a bunker, everything. He's a pro... He thinks something's going down with politics or something. Because if you ever ask him a political question, you will get a great answer. I'd probably say he just thinks there's basically, he thinks everyone is corrupt.

The 'suh dude' trend will last until the end of the school year

I got to say at least until the end of the school year because it's already second semester and usually that won't wear off until the end.