Takes

No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl

It is scientific fact. No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about it. Parcells was skinnier. John Madden was a lot skinnier. Every football guy gets fatter after they retire... Parcells was actually kind of in football guy shape. I'm saying no fat coach. That's why Andy Reid's probably losing all this weight because he's like, fuck, I got to get in shape.

Breaking news: Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet

I think I'm going to go with the DM rumor and confirm that Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet. I've heard the same rumor... Mike Gundy does not have a mullet anymore.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year. So your [PFT's] trade analysis now on the hot seat. Oh, last year, I mean, he had pretty damn good stats with the worst offensive line basically ever. Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Les Miles is coming for Magic Johnson's title as the most obvious tweeter on the internet

Magic, you're on the hot seat. If Les [Miles] starts figuring out how to predict MVPs and stuff, Magic might be out of a job.

No one will be put in a position of importance in America if they have weird hair

No one's going to get put into a position of importance in America if they have weird hair. That's a fact.

Mike Gundy's mullet should be considered an NCAA recruiting violation

I actually threw out the idea that [Mike Gundy's] mullet might now become a recruiting violation because who wouldn't want to play for him?

Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods in golf right now

The real question is it sounds like Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods now.

Mitch Trubisky should start early because the Tim Tebow model worked for John Fox

John Fox... just said he wants to start getting Mitch Trubisky as much experience as possible, as early as possible... because it worked really well when he got Tebow. All that experience right away.

The Browns hiring Ryan Grigson is a threat to the AFC North

My hot seat is the AFC North. And my reason why is because the Browns hired Ryan Grigson. So watch out... I'm very excited to see how Ryan Grigson can fuck up the Browns even more. It will be interesting. That's a great challenge for that guy.

I'm destined to see Ovechkin win a Stanley Cup with a different team

The Washington Capitals are... Our fans, we're entering cuck territory. And it's Ray Bourque all over again. So I'm destined over the next five years to see Ovechkin win a Stanley Cup with a different team. And for me to cry during it and be like, I'm so glad and applaud him and be like, I'm glad he finally got his chance.

The Capitals and Ovechkin should split up because their regular season success is too good

I do think I am of the mindset that the Capitals and the [Ovechkin] should just be like, you know, hey, maybe this thing isn't working out anymore. Maybe it's just, you know, we love each other. Maybe our sex is just too good. Our regular season sex is too good. So we got to split up.

Brad Stevens is coaching for his job because higher expectations follow the number one pick

My hot seat is Brad Stevens. We advance another round. It means he has at least four more games. He's coaching for his job out there. And the number one pick. That's higher expectations... Setting himself up to fail.

Doc Rivers will be fired by the Los Angeles Clippers

My other hot seat is nepotism because I think that Doc Rivers is going to get fired.

LeVar Ball will eventually replace Luke Walton as the Lakers' head coach

In about two years when LeVar Ball gets Luke Walton out as a Lakers coach and takes over as coach. That's going to be great.

Bill Belichick already has conditions on the Browns' number one overall pick for a Jimmy Garoppolo trade.

I think that it's Belichick's pick if he wants it for Garoppolo. Belichick's just such a dick that he institutes his own conditions on other teams' draft picks before he even takes them. So he's like, I'm going to take that draft pick from you, but my condition is you're not allowed to talk about your draft pick.

Kyle Shanahan is making a huge mistake by trading for Kirk Cousins as a first-year coach

Kyle Shanahan... Looks like he's going to trade for Kirk Cousins. Big mistake, Kyle. We as football guys, guys know the last thing you want to do if you're a new coach is get your guy in there day one. Because then you have no excuse. You have no backup plan.

Concussions are a private family matter and the government should stay out of it

Whether or not a kid has a concussion, that's a private matter. That's a family matter. It's nobody's business. Handle it behind closed doors. Keep your government Dr. Obamacare death panel hands off my son. I'm going to be the one to tell whether or not he's seeing double.

John Calipari will leave Kentucky for the Pelicans to escape looming NCAA sanctions

He needs to get out of town, needs to go to the NBA... The NCAA sanctions are about to hit Kentucky. That's a fact. I'm just calling that right now. So he needs to get out of town, needs to go to the NBA... Be a perfect fit for the Pelicans. You've got two of his best players from college that are playing there.

Sammy Sosa put Chicago on the map when nobody knew where it was

Sammy Sosa did an interview today... Sammy also said when nobody knew who Chicago was, I put Chicago on the map. So the third largest city right after Michael Jordan was the greatest player of all time. Sammy Sosa made people know, hey, Chicago's here. It's in Illinois.

Chip Kelly will try to steal someone's job as a behind-the-scenes villain at Alabama

If there's somebody who's able to undermine and sneak around and steal somebody's job, it's definitely Chip. Chip is a behind-the-scenes Shakespearean villain. He's going to be doing everything that he can to make sure he gets that job.

The Chicago Bears will win the Super Bowl next year

Alshon Jeffrey guaranteed a Super Bowl victory. So you get one year now, a little more than one year, 13 months. Go ahead and keep doubting. He guaranteed it. He guaranteed the Chicago Bears win the Super Bowl next year.

Brad Stevens is on the hot seat

My hot seat, Brad Stevens. He's 5-5. He's coming into the season, predicted to be number two. He's coaching for his job.

The Steelers are no longer playing 'Steelers football'

My hot seat is Steelers football. Pittsburgh is not playing Steelers football. They're not winning. They're not playing defense... their defense is soft. And they're not running the ball, they're 25th in the league in running.

A team of college basketball players could beat an NBA team because they try harder

NBA players don't try. They don't try like the college kids... I can't be the only one who thinks that a team of college players could put together a team and beat an NBA team. At least they would try harder.

Next year is finally Tennessee's year and Butch Jones needs one more season

I'm going to say that you've got to give Butch Jones one more year. He's got a good recruiting class, and next year is Tennessee's year. I really think so.

Arian Foster retired because he is an atheist and quit football on a Monday

My hot seat is atheism... Arian Foster quit last night. He's an atheist. Straight up quit. People don't talk about him being an atheist, but he quit football. Nice of an atheist to give up on a Monday instead of giving up on Sundays for the change.

Mike Brown is the ultimate hot seat guy and a sacrificial lamb for the Warriors

Mike Brown's the ultimate hot seat guy. And I actually like this move by the Warriors, by Steve Kerr. Got to have a hot seat guy around. So if Kevin Durant starts to falter, if this team, this super team doesn't do so well, Mike Brown's going to be the first to go. Also, Mike Brown is a sacrificial lamb. He stumbles out of bed every morning on the hot seat.

Ken Bone is a plant for the coal industry

Ken Bone, his employer — one of the biggest coal plants in America. And also a coal company that is opposed to climate change... regulations... So I don't know where these dots lead to, but it seems like a plant to me. Coal plant.

Europe is on the hot seat for being off its game across all sports

My hot seat, I've got the entire country of Europe. Europe has been off its game. They can't win at the Olympics. They can't win at the Ryder Cup. They lost England.

Andy Reid is a mediocre coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Andy Reid is just kind of there all the time... He's not threatening. He's not going to win a Super Bowl, but he's going to make your team okay.

Dan Quinn is on the hot seat because his defense can't get sacks

Dan Quinn. Oh, okay. Yeah. Second year. You know what? Really, really bad. Dan Quinn, defensive mastermind, 19 sacks in 17 games with the Falcons.

Chip Kelly is on the Ice Throne because he intentionally stocks his roster with bad players to buy more time

I think Chip Kelly's on the ice throne, too... Because he's got blame gap. One thing that Chip Kelly is really great at is stockpiling his rosters with the shittiest quarterbacks... He's stocking his roster up with bad, bad players. And then he can be like, well, I didn't have the personnel this year. I'm still implementing my system.