Takes

Vaping is about to see a spike in use because it has become 'rebellious' again

My cool throw is vaping because there's been a real spike... in vaping deaths. So now vaping has kind of turned the corner. It's like it's a bad boy thing... well now vaping has entered that realm because it's killing people... I think it's going to see a spike in use.

Alabama could beat the Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins are trash. The Dolphins are trash and Alabama can beat them. What's a better, what's a better debate? That is Yukon women's basketball bad for women's basketball... Or which school is the real DBU?

People in Australia greet each other by eating ass as casually as a handshake

In Australia you eat ass like you're shaking hands. That's a classic hello.

Larry the Goldfish will finish higher in the Las Vegas Supercontest than thousands of humans

Larry... will do better than thousands of people in the Las Vegas [Supercontest]. He makes five picks a week... you can say that you own a gambling goldfish that will do better than thousands of people.

Kyle Sloter should start for the Vikings over Kirk Cousins

Kirk Cousins needs to be benched. Kyle Sloter needs to start the season for the Vikings... This guy's the best fucking player in the history of any league's preseason of all time.

The Cubs didn't need Bryce Harper because they need professional hitters like Nicholas Castellanos

Bryce Harper would be a very redundant talent to what the Cubs have right now, and the Cubs need professional hitters, not more guys who hit home runs and strikeouts... I wish they had more [Nicholas] Castellanos, not more Harpers.

The United States should just invade Greenland if Denmark won't sell it

There are other ways to take over a country besides buying it like fuck it. Let's just ride. Well, what's Denmark going to do to stop us from invading green? Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. Yeah. There's probably some treaty that would stop it. But that's a piece of paper. Denmark has bigger fish to fry.

Michael Porter Jr.'s spine is made of dust

My hot seat is Michael Porter Jr. You guys remember him? Remember he's in the NBA? Has yet to play a minute. His spine is made of dust.

Adam Silver intentionally leaked his own phone number so he could smash his phone and hide something else

Do you think he actually planted that? Like he was cool with being doxxed because he's the accessible commissioner. Ooh, maybe he's got something to hide. So he deliberately got his phone [doxxed] so that people aren't sniffing around the other stuff.

The Four Loko hard seltzer isn't real

I think that the Four Loko thing is fake. I'm very woke on this because there was no link to the product whatsoever. It was a Photoshop that Four Loko put out there... here's why I think it's fake is because if you're going to make something 14% alcohol, why not just make it 20?

The NBA should suspend LeBron James for his role in the Rich Paul agent rule controversy

I think the NBA should suspend LeBron. We're on Team Rich Paul, not Clutch. Just Rich Paul as a person... If Rich Paul, he's an agent of chaos.

Michael Crabtree didn't sign with the Cardinals because he feared Aqib Talib

My cool throne is Michael Crabtree. So Michael Crabtree decided not to sign with the Arizona Cardinals yesterday... It would have been a terrible move for him because he would have had to play against Aqib Talib twice. Oh, he didn't want that chain snatched. Yeah, the Dunn chain was about to hang over his neck, and Aqib Talib was about to swipe it off.

The Los Angeles Clippers should change their team name to the 'Los Angeles Lil Nas X's'

Or they could do what the Raptors did back in 1994 or whatever and just name your team after whatever pop culture phenomenon. The Los Angeles Lil Nas X's. Perfect.

Roger Goodell should suspend Tom Brady for cliff diving with his daughter

It would be the ultimate troll move by Roger Goodell to suspend Tom Brady for one game after Tyreek Hill gets zero and just be like, hey, there's videotape... wouldn't be right, but it would be fucking funny.

If Brooks Koepka wins the 2019 US Open, he is the 'new Tiger'

I want Brooks to win... If Brooks wins this one, he's the new Tiger. I'm going to say it. He's a Blake and a Tiger and a Brooks.

FIFA is the one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit.

If there's one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit, it's FIFA. This is like number 100 on their list right now of things to take care of right behind building stadiums that look like vaginas using slave labor.

Ant-Man will either defeat Thanos by crawling up his butt or Thanos will be defeated by logic and reason from reporter Clark Kent

Either Ant-Man's going to crawl up in [Thanos's] butt and expand, like we said on the show, or he's going to get defeated using logic and reason by fact-checking super reporter Clark Kent. Those are my two predictions for the end of The Avengers.

Robbie Gould will quit football if he isn't traded back to the Chicago Bears

Robbie Gould, I think, is demanding—I think he's essentially demanding that he will quit football if he doesn't get to be a Bear again. ... I'm all for it when it helps the Bears especially with how bad they the Bears have three kickers right now on their roster.

Odell Beckham Jr. is genuinely happy to be in Cleveland and away from Eli Manning

Odell Beckham Jr. because he wants everyone to listen he is totally happy in Cleveland... Odell Beckham is probably just happy he's away from Eli Manning. He truly actually is happy that he doesn't have to play with Eli Manning anymore.

Archie Manning is behind the Daniel Jones hype to protect Eli Manning's job

Very clearly Archie Manning [is behind this] because the Manning family is fucking in love with Duke's coach [David Cutcliffe]... And this guy is just somebody that's been around Peyton and Eli for long enough that Archie's like, he's my third boy... He knows how to keep this guy under control and not be good enough to take Eli's job for at least five years.

The Virginia Cavaliers will lose to a 16-seed again

The Harvard of the South is not in a position to win anything this postseason... They'll lose to a 16. I'm a big trends guy, and right now in their last one, the Cavaliers are 0 for 1 against 16th seeds. I'm going to take the over for the Cavaliers in every single game. They'll only play one.

James Dolan will eventually find a way to ruin a Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant pairing

You know what I'm really excited for? To see how James Dolan can fuck up Kyrie Irving and KD together. Yeah, that's never going to work.

El Chapo will escape from prison because no jail in the world can actually contain him

If [El Chapo] is not already escaped, you think that there's a jail in the world that can contain El Chapo?

The Bitcoin exchange CEO who reportedly died with the passwords is not actually dead

There's no way he's dead, right? There hasn't been a good fake death in a while... He is living it high with, he's probably fucking whales with John McAfee in wherever the hell they are.

Jerry Jones should hire Tony Romo as the Cowboys head coach

I think that Tony Romo would be a great coach... because we would get the chance to see Tony Romo blow more fourth quarter games... And Jerry Jones will never fire him. No, make it happen, Jerry.

The cold weather in Kansas City favors the Chiefs over the Patriots in the AFC Championship.

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. Because it is going to be 5 to 10 degrees in Kansas City... It favors the Kansas City Chiefs. This is their home field. The Patriots, I don't know if they can do it in the cold.

It is never against the law to eat food that you found on the road

They're just trying to scare you. Don't listen to them. It's never against the law to eat food that you found on the road. Actually, as a taxpayer in Alabama, that's your food.

Our next breaking news scoop is 100% guaranteed to be correct

The next piece of news that we break, 100% guarantee that it's correct. 100%. We are not going to take any more risks. We're going to get back in the winning streak.

I'm guaranteeing Duke wins the national championship

I'm guaranteeing Duke wins. [Big Cat] is guaranteeing Duke wins.

I am rooting for Washington State to get into the College Football Playoff

I now am rooting for Washington State to get into the playoff just to piss off... Mike Leach... is going to make [Saban or Harbaugh] so angry because they're all serious.

Steph Curry might leave the Warriors for the Lakers

Aisha Curry recently followed Vanessa Bryant on Instagram. So what if Steph was the one to leave the Warriors, go to the Lakers, and leaves KD to deal with Draymond and all the trash in Golden State?

Kansas football should run the triple option because they will always suck otherwise

Kansas should just start running the triple option. Why not? Like, you suck. You're always going to suck unless you bring back Mark Mangino. You suck, so just run the triple option and just fuck everyone up. No one wants to play against the triple option.

Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman will be fired if he doesn't fix the team quickly after firing Joel Quenneville

Because now, Stan Bowman, you're on the hot seat. If you get a guy fired, you better fix it fast. Otherwise, you're going to get fired.

Duke is guaranteed to win the national title this year

Duke is going to win the national title. Mark this down. Write this down. Post it. We'll replay this in the spring. Duke is going to win the national title. Guaranteed. Big Cat guarantee. There's nothing that will stop them.

Urban Meyer will coach the Packers and Mike McCarthy will coach the Browns

The tip that I got, I think I said it last week, that the dominoes have started to fall. Hugh Jackson gets fired. Urban Meyer goes to coach the Packers. Mike McCarthy gets fired, coaches the Browns because of John Dorsey. And then Bob Stoops comes and coaches Ohio State.

Nebraska will upset Ohio State

Nebraska's been really bad this week. They're fixing for a big upset. If they lost this game, Urban Meyer's out. I think they're going to lose. I think he's out.

Nathan Peterman will beat the Chicago Bears

Big Cat is on the hot seat... because your Chicago Bears have to play against Nathan Peterman on Sunday. Peterman's back... Nathan Peterman hasn't played his best game yet. And I know that because he wouldn't still be on the roster if he was that bad.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future and will surpass baseball

My cool throne is lacrosse... My other hot seat could have been baseball because lacrosse is coming for that America's Pastime, sport of the future. Premier Lacrosse League was announced. TV deal... This sounds like a real dud. No, this is going to be great.

Marshawn Lynch is faking his injury because he doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden

Marshawn Lynch is out... He's out with an injured groin is the explanation they gave. I don't think that Marshawn Lynch is capable of having his groin injured... I think he doesn't like Jon Gruden. He doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden to do a car.

The Chicago Cubs will remain in first place 'by hook or by crook' for the rest of the season

No matter what, by the time you're listening to this, no matter what, the Cubs will still be in first place by hook or by crook.

The Jets vs. Browns color rush game is going to suck

Can I counterpoint you? That game is going to suck. Because Pup Punk is House of Blues, Boston. You should go to that instead.

Jason Garrett will definitely be fired this year

I think that... This is absolutely the year that he [Jason Garrett] gets fired. He's going to lose to the Giants on Sunday night, by the way.

Al Gore is personally directing hurricanes to increase climate change funding

I think [Al Gore] is personally directing these government-manufactured hurricanes... in order to get more money steered towards climate change funds and carbon tax emissions... convincing that climate change is real by interrupting their Saturday football schedules.

If you don't like mayonnaise, you are probably homophobic and misogynistic

If you don't like mayo, you're actually, well, and also, you're probably kind of homophobic and a little misogynistic. Because you're just like, your masculinity is threatened by having this creamy, delicious spread just down your throat.

Tom Brady will run for office in Massachusetts as a Democrat after he retires

I think that Tom Brady is going to run for office in Massachusetts after he's done playing football. And to win in Massachusetts when you're running for office, you typically have to be a Democrat. And Tom Brady has gone from having the Make America Great Again hat in his locker to now he's liking Colin Kaepernick's Instagram posts for the new ad campaign.

Tom Brady shipped Jimmy Garoppolo to San Francisco because he was a Republican

I think he shipped Jimmy Garoppolo out to San Francisco because Jimmy G was a Republican. And he didn't like having a Republican as his teammate. So he's like, I'm going to send you out to hang out with all the libs out in San Francisco.

The Chiefs' new parking lot policy is the beginning of the end for tailgating

The Chiefs have started a new policy where after the game starts, they're just going to start kicking people out of the parking lot. I feel like it could just be the beginning of the end... They're going to slowly outlaw tailgates.

Ben Roethlisberger will gain 150 pounds as soon as he retires from the NFL

[Ben Roethlisberger] is going to gain like 150 pounds when he retires. He's going to be so fat. He's going to be like Ron Dayne.

Duke basketball is entering a major championship window because of Zion Williamson

My cool throne is Duke basketball. So they're back. Zion Williamson, my guy. 6'10", 320 pounds... Dunked from the free throw line. Kyrie, Jason Tatum about to take over for the Celtics. So it's going to be a big, big window for Duke basketball.

Case Keenum is officially on 'Swag Watch' because Swag Kelly is nipping at his heels

My hot seat is Case Keenum because we are on Swag Watch 2018. Swag Kelly is now the second-string quarterback for the Denver Broncos, nipping at Case's heels, and he's looking pretty good doing it.